I can see why one of the most popular sayings in AA and Al-Anon is One Day at a Time. This is a one step forward two steps back kind of world we live in. As I pray for direction, I can't help but get the feeling that I need to hold the boundary....stay the course.
It is so difficult when you want so desperately to trust and yet you know you can't. I keep looking for signs of the person I knew before addiction. I miss that person. I get my hopes up to see him again. When I think I see a glimmer of him again, it would be easy to just relax a little. But, I can't. I have to stay vigilant and remind myself to hold fast to the boundary.
All of this vigilance causes emotional fatigue. I want to just relax on the couch without worry creeping in to wake me. I want to plan a Sunday dinner and have all my kids there eating and chatting and fighting over dessert. I want so much that I may not have for a while. I'm not giving up on my dreams, I'm just trying to remain patient until they come true. I believe they will. I just live in a fast food world where I want it now.
Mother Teresa is my most favorite (soon to be) saint. I just love her so much. She was this no nonsense, plain spoken, straight forward, pushy,holy nun. I've learned many things about truly living a life according to God's will through her writings. Prayer was at the center of all that she did. It must be at my center too. She felt that God was requesting that she start this new order to go to the poorest of the poor. She had to get permission from her superiors and when they didn't give her the answer right away, she continued to write and pray and did not give up. What are the odds that an everyday sister would start a new order in a very poor country with no funding and eventually open a home for the dying, an orphanage and be known world wide? She just kept her eye on who could do it. She persisted. She kept her faith.
Today, I am looking to Mother Teresa and will try to follow her lead. Prayer, perseverance and faith will help me to get my second wind. I pray that my son will learn new healthy habits too. I pray that he learns to be honest. I pray that he become the man that God wants him to be. I pray for the ability to stay the course and as always I pray for Henry.