Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Source of Your Strength

The recovery process is one that you will either give up on or it will make you stronger.  It really all depends on where your strength lies.  The possibility of relapse is very real.  Many say that it is part of the recovery process.  I have been very intimidated at the thought of it.  Coming to terms with step one and realizing that I don't have any control over it have taken a lot of courage to accept.  When the very real scary monster in the room rears it's ugly head, how do I not fall into a puddle on the floor and not come apart? 

Well,  I have a very good answer for that.  I am letting God be my strength.  I don't have it.  Control doesn't give it to me.  My husband can't fix this.  No priest can fix this.  Turning to food or drink or substances certainly doNOT give anyone strength.  God does.  This is the big game of trust where I have to cross my arms across my chest and fall into the strength that only God provides. 

Today we met relapse.  A slip maybe.  A stumble perhaps.....but a relapse.  My son was very upset at the thought of hurting us.  I was up most of the night praying, praying.  Out of nowhere when he told me that he was worried about what it would do to me, I felt this incredible strength and told him to quit worrying about me, I am strong!!  And, at that moment and at this moment, I felt it.  God is at my back.   I know it and feel it.  " I am strong, you are not."  " I don't need to turn to pills or booze when I am stressed, you do."  My brain is healthy and clear, yours is not."  "Stop worrying about me and take care of you."  "Tell me the hard stuff, I can take it."  God has my back.  He has his back too.  He just isn't looking at the proper source for his strength. 

I don't know what will happen next.  I know it is out of my control.  I know my son will need to quit worrying about the unimportant things like being embarrassed and look at what is asking for help.  God is the number one go-to guy.  I can't convince him of this, but today I pray for it.  I ask you to pray for it.  I also pray for my son to learn and value honesty and hard work in his program, no matter how hard it gets.  I pray for God to continue to hold us all up with his massive strength.  I pray for healing.  I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen

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