"Keep your eyes fixed on where you're going."  Shouted Mr. Gray, an old cowboy who was trying to teach me to ride my horse, Bo. 

He would say this over and over again because, I was easily distracted.  "If  you keep your eyes fixed on your destination, he will head in that direction."  He said.

But, how will he know where my eyes are fixed, I wondered.  Mr. Gray continued as if knowing my question, " He can feel a fly on his back.  He will feel the slightest shift in your weight as you look around."

I began to learn that he was right.  If  I looked down at my feet, or looked at something to my left or right, he became distracted.

Today, Lucy, my little long haired dachshund, and I were out for our morning walk.  She was wandering more than usual, and I was wondering why she seemed so distracted.  Just as I began to think about why, the memory of those riding lessons came to mind.  So, I fixed my gaze on the path that I intended to walk, and like magic, Lucy straightened her path.

St. Francis of Assisi is attributed to the quote,

 "Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary, use words."

I began to understand how to preach the gospel, without opening my mouth through my twelve-step program.  I had to mind my own business--clean my own house, first.  I cannot force anyone to follow my lead.  But if  I examine my motives carefully and am purposefully seeking to follow the will of God, by attraction, others may follow.

 If I have my gaze fixed on the will of my 'power which is greater than myself--God', then my weight will stop shifting in all sorts of conflicting directions.  It will be clear that there is confidence in where I am going.

We went to a family funeral last weekend.  It was a hotbed of distraction.  There have been disagreements.  There is division to the point of some family members refusing to speak to others even in a place where a family should come together. 

It was so stressful that when I got home, I got physically sick.  Those family systems can be toxic.  It gets confusing.  How do you honor your parents if they try to force you to go against all that you believe in?

It is no wonder why we self medicate. 

I was so grateful to come home.  It is where I can slow it all down.  I can call on the Serenity Prayer and work on discernment.  Then, I try to do what I need to do to take care of myself...Today.  That is all that I need to figure out.

Prayer and meditation are wonderful gifts.  I can pray for guidance and through meditation, I listen.  God's grace floods my mind with all sorts of ideas and thoughts to help me understand; thoughts to remind me to stop looking around. 

"Fix your eyes" I can almost hear Him say.  And so today, that is where I will place my focus. 

Addiction gave me these tools.  I would not have them if it had not been for the difficult journey of addiction.  Out of difficulty, there is blessing.  Always.

I'm praying for 'the Henry's' in my life and yours.

Draw What You See

Sirens racing past.  Two police cars, another unmarked and one ambulance.  I'm picking up dinner as I see them pass, wondering what could be going on in our small town.  The ten o'clock news reveals that there is a hostage situation at our county jail.  It is the same county jail that I have volunteered at for the last five years.  It is where I will be in just a few short hours.

A local detective who has worked closely with animal control has been placed on administrative leave without pay, pending investigation of misconduct.  My husband has worked with him for years.  He has always respected him. 

In high school, I took an art class.  I wanted desperately to be an artist.  But, I could not draw.  I was a serious coloring book aficionado, growing up.  But, drawing left me frustrated.  In our very first class, the teacher gave us each a huge sketching pad and pencil, placed an object in the front of the room and said, "draw what you see." 

That was it.  As she walked around the room, I stopped her and said, "I just can't seem to do this."  She looked at me and smiled, "draw what you see."  And that is all that I got for the rest of the year.

It wasn't until I began to write and I was told, "Don't tell me, show me", that I started to understand my problem.  As I began to put on paper what I actually saw, separating it from the way that I felt, I realized how often I saw with my head instead of my eyes. 

What do I actually see?  How has my perception colored what is?

A friend posted her son's " one second movie" on Facebook.  There is an app where you record one second each day for a year and then it creates a movie from your collection of one second videos.  It was so interesting that I decided to buy the app and make my own movie.  My friend's son is a professional; not only was his movie very good, he made it look easy.

He pointed out that this app, helped him to look for the good in each day.  It's true.  I am more observant.  I am always on guard for that moment--a second that is worthy of interest. But, for me, it also helped me to see that a random moment probably isn't so random.

And, perhaps I am learning that what I see has many more layers.  And, separating what I see from what I feel has tremendous value.  Maybe that is why I write.  Maybe seeing with my head and my heart are just as important to the story.  Maybe that is why I have so many questions. 

As the mother of a recovering addict and alcoholic, staying in each moment and realizing that I can't "see" beyond what is within the scope of my vision or the confines of my heart and mind has given me tremendous freedom.  It also helps me to be responsible with my moments--my seconds of each day that all too often, I tend to take for granted.

This post may be a bit random.  But, sometimes these seemingly arbitrary moments won't leave my thoughts.   When that happens, I usually know that there must be a nugget of value in them.  Why did my mind tie advice from a high school teacher to yesterday's news and a friend's FB post? 

To me this is fascinating.  It is a part of why I love to write.  I hope that you will capture what is special about your day and unearth what the moment has for you to learn.

Feeling grateful for the lessons learned in recovery and this community.  I'll take time today to pray for Henry--yours and mine.





 

Numb

"Well Mama, I think we have finally become numb."  The Dad said over our lunch, last Friday.
We were traveling to Columbus Ohio to the Dad's thirty year veterinary school reunion when I received a call from a bail bondsman letting me know that the son had been arrested for a DUI, his second in a month.

The Son has worked very hard to stay off of drugs.  But, he hasn't yet accepted his powerlessness over alcohol.  We did not bail him out, this time.  We did not try to manage his consequences.  This time, we tried to manage our lives, instead.

As I sat over lunch I thought about it, numb was the perfect adjective.  I didn't feel anything.  I didn't feel the panic, that I might have felt early on.  I didn't feel all that surprised.  Parents/loved ones know when the distance of addiction is present.  And, we know that something is probably brewing just over the horizon.

Instead of changing our plans to hover over the latest crisis, we went on our trip, taking in each activity with gratitude.  We stopped for lunch at a Jerry's restaurant, one that we had eaten at many times while growing up because it was the only restaurant in Elizabethtown KY.  I'd like to say that we didn't worry at all, but you would all know how impossibly untrue that can be. 

We stopped in Lexington Kentucky at the historic Keeneland Race Course and watched a few races while enjoying the beautiful sunshine that blanketed the still green pastures of central Kentucky.  From there we headed north and once we crossed the Ohio river we took in a little Cincinnati style chili at Skyline Chili.  Finally we finished our journey north by arriving at our hotel in Columbus.

The next morning after breakfast, we went to the All American Quarter Horse Congress, a show that is the culmination of all of the American Quarter Horse show season where the best of the best compete.  When my mind tried to return to the illusion of what I'd like to control, I would try to steer it in the direction of  'what am I to learn from today for my life.'  Then we had a little Rotola's pizza, the Dad's favorite from vet school and a trip to Barnes and Noble--what trip is complete without a new book or two?

We went back to the room and I read while he watched THE Ohio State cream Rutgers.  Then we headed to the reunion.  We visited and chatted.  Most were strangers to me.  At one point the Dad whispered in my ear, " Are you okay?"

Quite automatically I responded, "Yes, I am, now that I know who I am."

I'm not sure why that came out.  But, if I think about it, knowing who you really are instead of being the extension of others releases any fear that I might have had before. 

Post addiction, I can go to the reunion and see those who are posturing and think, "Bless their hearts" and enjoy those who are just want to touch base with old classmates.  Knowing who I am is a perpetual exercise in understanding intention.

That exercise allowed me to come to a place where I can let this place that we find ourselves in be about recognizing that this is his disease to figure out.  I will love him....enough to stop offering advice.  I will trust enough that I will allow him the space to feel God's presence and help. 

Numb, yes to the old fears and worries but yet hopeful.  Hopeful that like me, he will start to know who and whose he is and finally to know that that is all that really matters.

Praying for us all.  Praying for Henry.





 

Gifts of Addiction

I've been asked to chair the next Al Anon meeting.  That means you lead the meeting and choose a topic for discussion.  Sometimes I need to deal with something in particular such as fear.  But other times I thumb through the index and I wait to see what topic jumps out at me.  This week I didn't really have a pressing need to focus on a particular topic so I started to thumb through the index. 

There were several topics that jumped out at me.  I wrote each of the topics down on a piece of paper.  I thought that maybe I'd take some time to see if one topic spoke to me more than the others.  I believe that Al Anon works that way.  God will choose and I will deliver the topic.  I finally looked at my list and instead of looking at each individual item, I looked at the collection as a whole and realized that they were all gifts of addiction.  You might think that they are gifts of a twelve step program or gifts from my faith or gifts from counseling, but really if it hadn't been for the disease of addiction, I would not have sought the changes learned from each of those avenues. 

Addiction has changed me.  Addiction has made me humble, loving, mindful, accepting,  aware, present and grateful.  Addiction has taught me not to be afraid, judgmental, mind other people's business or expect. 

I'm so grateful that I am in process.  I don't think it ever would have happened without addiction.  Maybe it would have, but addiction did happen and I am changing as a result.  Make no mistake, I would never wish this disease on my son.  But, it did happen and I will be grateful for the gifts that were given in the midst of the heartbreak.  I was wondering if any of you all felt the same way.  If so, what one thing really changed about you?

On another note, I have lost 9.6 lbs....as of last Monday.  I will weigh in tomorrow afternoon at 4pm and I feel as though I've lost another 1-2 lbs.  I'll let you know later.  It is a slow process but I am thankful that I am facing a lifelong struggle. 

My niece just had her fourth child!  Her mom was an alcoholic.  I used to say that she was an alcoholic and my brother's drug of choice was her......I didn't know the term co dependent but I knew what it was....even then.  I'm going to go see her and take her dinner and a ODAT or Courage to Change.  I've never asked her as an adult how she dealt with it.  I guess we didn't talk about it much.  I think it's time I asked.  I'm praying for all of you.

Looking Back on the Past

I just printed off all of the blog posts that I have written since the beginning.  Two hundred forty-four, single spaced pages.  Sometimes I don't like going back to read because it's so hard.  Sometimes I do because I am able to see some progress.  I'm going to go have it collated.  Here is the proof....proof of a long fought battle for quiet acceptance, proof that our awareness was awakened and continues to grow, proof that in a empty space that mainly housed only me and my fears, now resides a  space full of love of God and his will, with me close by allowing him to show me the way to myself. I wonder if any of you guys have ever done the same? 

A new session has begun at the jail.  I met the ladies for the first time on Thursday.  I am only offering a creative writing workshop this time.  I am relieved that I am not facilitating a class that I do not feel qualified to teach.  I guess some could argue that I am not qualified to lead a writing workshop but my goal is mainly encouraging them to look in and question and effectively communicate with themselves and others. 

I watched a great segment on writing obituaries on Saturday.  I must admit that I love reading them.  There has to be some really great stories tucked in those interesting snapshots of a life.  I learned that in Great Britain, their obituaries aren't always flattering.  I've included one of my favorites to give you a "happy" for today. 

Yesterday I got to spend the entire day alone.  To many, that may sound lonely but to me, it is a necessary part of my sanity.  I need quiet to allow myself to look in and be present with my feelings.  Then, I am able to understand them, deal with them and let them go.  I'll probably turn into the odd little blue haired lady who kids are afraid of before it's over.  Oh well.

I'm beginning to day dream about warm coastal breezes.  I fantasize about winning the lottery and packing only an overnight bag and checking flights not for price but warmth, buying a one way flight and staying as long as I feel like it, shopping for the proper clothes when I get there, eating delicious food and taking a huge stake of books.  Can you imagine? 

The son seems to be making progress, lately.  He has a girlfriend who seems very nice.  He is paying bills on his own.  He is visiting family, hanging out with us, talking on the phone with friends while staying in the same room where we are ( I know that a lot of you get how big that is), trying to quit smoking and making future plans. 

Big Sister is working as a vet assistant until the fall when graduate school begins.  She is paying her own way which was a little shocking to her at first but I'm really proud of the job she is doing.  She is even replacing the tires on her car this week.  That is a big financial burden off our plate.  I'm really proud of her.

Little Sister is quite excited about nursing school.  I purchased hot dogs at the grocery store so that she could practice IP shots!!  It's so funny to look at these kids that I remember so vividly as the little characters now enter adulthood taking on grown up responsibilities.  It's been great finally letting them go.  They are so much more than I could ever force them to be.......

This reason we are all here is the darndest thing, isn't it?  It almost broke us and yet, it has changed things in the most wonderful ways.  I guess that is what I will look for when I read about the past. 

Praying for Henry, my family and yours. 





 

There is No Situation too Difficult to be Bettered.....

I went to my first Al Anon candlelight meeting this year.  It was really lovely. Someone read a special opening and then expressed gratitude for what Al Anon had done to enrich her life.  Then we went around the room taking turns sharing what we had to be grateful for. 

We all shared how our lives had changed since living the program.  One person spoke about how hearing the phrase, "no situation is too difficult to be bettered" which is read in our closing, had been a gift of hope for them early on. 

Others had learned to live a life without constant fear and anxiety in the midst of a loved one's addiction.  A few were shocked at a life that had so radically turned itself around after losing hope just a year before. 

I love Al Anon.  I love my Catholic faith.  Each has sustained me through the battles of addiction.  Al Anon helped me to learn practical ways of living my faith.  It gave me a tremendous support network and taught me a lot about humility. 

Just wanted to share my experience, hope and strength before the year's end.

On the Journey

I've been busy during these holidays but have slowed enough for a quick update.  Son finished 60 days at the 12 step immersion program and is now living at a recovery house.  He looks so good.  I could be wrong but I believe he has had his own "spiritual awakening."  He has a beautiful new attitude and is working the program.  Thanks be to God. 

Daughters are doing well.  We have signed up to run an upcoming half marathon in April.  I am in the least athletic shape of my life.  This is really just a goal to help get into better shape; better health. My real goal is just to commit to the training required to run it.  Then if I can cross the finish line whether I run, walk or crawl, I don't care.

Christmas was lovely.  We were moved.  Travels completed.  Kids were all together.  I had finished all of the shopping and wrapping and was trying to be very cognizant of what I bought each person and why.  And, then I wrote a little piece that I wanted to read to them.  I think I will share it here.  Merry Christmas everyone, (It's still Christmas till Sunday, you know). 

I buy these gifts, keeping in mind, who you each are as individuals, created uniquely by God, and try to look for items, tokens, that will make your life easier or better, or perhaps just bring you joy.  And, I do this because I love you so much and this is a concrete way for me to show you that:  You are loved, You are loved, You are loved, You are loved….in a way that I am able to show you. 

But, sitting in adoration one Saturday, I began to unpack the reasons why I shop/select the items that I do and why I do it.  I was trying so very hard to look at each of you to boil down your real needs and I came to the conclusion that your needs are all the same.  You each need to be loved.  You need the assurance and trust that you are loved. 

You need to know love, from me, so that one day, you can fathom the love that our Father in heaven freely offers.  That is THE gift of Christmas and every day.  The best gift that I can give you is love.  There is no material item that I will ever choose that will substitute your need to be loved.  So, please know that these gifts are not intended to put a price on your value.  They are merely items that will soon be forgotten. 

Our family has been through so much.  We have weathered deaths, illness, storms, financial difficulties, and a world of change.  And, here we are, together.  We are all working to heal in a myriad of ways. 

We are trying to learn to love in such a way that the other knows, feels and understands the depth of the love that Dad and I have for each other and for each of you individually.  We won’t always show you love in beautifully wrapped presents under the tree.  Sometimes we will show you by doing the hard things, saying the unpleasant things and choosing a more difficult path.  We won’t find pleasure in any of it.  But, we will do it because we are learning to love as God did.  He loved us so much that He gave His only son up to death on a cross for us.  That kind of love is hard for us to show, but we are learning that it is the kind of love that cannot be avoided if you are to be happy and healthy. 

Our greatest job is to help you one day find your way to heaven.  As I watch the news, I realize that it is not an easy task.  But,  I pray that each of you can  begin to grow your relationship with Him each and every day.  I hope this for you because when you do, you will discover who God created you to be and when you start that find your way, it will bring the most amazing joy, regardless of any obstacle that might have brought you down before.  That is the gift I would give you if I could.

 

Change

Our home of eighteen years has a contract on it.  I am beyond delighted.  The husband, not so much.  The kids are a mixture of excited and nostalgic.  It is change.  Change is hard.  We have not decided whether to buy or rent for a bit and decide what to do. 

One day I think rent and have a little time with the decision.  Then, I see rental prices and interest rates and I think you're a fool not to buy.  Maybe we won't get the loan and the decision will be made for us.  I do not know.

I remember bargaining with God when we first learned of our son's addiction.  I remember telling him that I'd give it all up just to have a healthy son again.  I don't think you can really bargain with God.  But, perhaps I may have an opportunity to realize what really is important in my life.

The kids, all three of them, are making good progress (not perfection by any stretch) .  Hubby and I are working on all of the issues that we bring to the table.  We are not hungry or sick.  God is taking care of us.  I think he will continue to do so.

Today, I am thankful for the sale of our home, an answered prayer.  I am thankful for progress.  I pray for guidance and perseverance.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry.

The Glass IS Half Full Today

Today I had an early morning doctor's appointment.  It took me 1 1/2 hrs to drive there.  It should have taken 45 minutes.  When I left the appointment, a funny smell started coming out of my air conditioner vent and then my air conditioner quit working.  It was 90 degrees Fahrenheit.  Then, I stopped to get gas and I stepped over the gas line to shade the area where you punch in your credit card info so that I could see it and I tripped over the gas line.  Miss twenty something was on the pump on the other side.  She had on workout clothes and was slim, trim, and fit.  She saw me fall flat on my face stubbing my big toe (which still throbs!).

I still didn't make it home in time to attack the pile on my desk.  Two house showings in three days has robbed me of the pleasure of checking items off my list.  And, to add insult to injury mine and my husband's cell phones are on the blink.

But, my son called and talked about having a dream about a devastating accident at work that involved a death.  It bothered him so much that he was extra careful when he had to use that piece of equipment.  Then at work, a similar accident happened but no one was hurt.  He told he how after the dream, he had been doing a lot of praying.  "That, I said, was the Holy Spirit!   How cool is that?"  "Pretty cool he says.  I've been praying so much lately."  Cool indeed.  And definitely the path to recovery.  My cup is more than half full.  It runneth over with words like those.

Today I bathe in thankfulness.  I pray for all of you and for your loved ones and for Henry.

Today,
 

Fear is My Enemy

Many experts warn about the dangers of parenting out of fear.  I think there is a lot to that.  The problem is that I have a hard time stopping myself when fear arises.  I start thinking that maybe I am letting something slide instead of confronting it.  I start backsliding with the whole control issues.  I start to panic and so I behave in all sorts of weird ways that confuse the whole family.

I hate living like this but I can't seem to stop myself when he behaves in a way that I don't recognize.....which is most of the time.  It is all new.  He is really doing better than I remember in such a very long time.  You'd think that would put me at ease, but no, it gives me all the more reason to fear the past.

I guess this is where I have not let go of control.  There is where I must face the daily task of detaching.  And, I'm not really all that good at that.  We've gained so much ground.  I am truly over the moon for that.  Some days, I get greedy and forget what I have to be thankful for.  I want normalcy, whatever that is.  Maybe that's what I have and I don't recognize it.  I guess it is my norm.

Today I start a new term of the Homeward Bound program at the jail.  I get to meet the new ladies and start a new AlAnon group with them.  I really look forward to that.  After working for and with the public, it is so refreshing to work with those who are at the place where they know that they have to change.  They are thankful for the opportunity to learn a healthier way.  Working with that mind set is like breathing the sweet air after a springtime rain.

Today, I am thankful for a new fall routine.  I am thankful for sobriety even though each new step is a little scary.  I am thankful that we are really starting to show our house.  I am thankful for my kids and my husband and my friends.  I pray for strength in detaching, continued sobriety and health to all who read.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

The Long and Winding Road

We are at the stage of the game that leads to really good places and really tough places.  We have uncovered so much that was hidden by the anesthesia of drug addiction each day and even though the addiction is "in remission"??  we have other battles ahead.  Anxiety is a big problem.  Getting help for someone who is afraid of taking medication is problematic.  

I have so much to be thankful for but this long and winding road has really begun to wear on me both physically and emotionally.  I feel good about my decisions and then an hour later I question.  I'm really tired.  I don't know how to proceed.  

Today, I say a prayer of thanksgiving that we are dealing with the issues underneath the addiction.  I pray for guidance and strength.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Grateful Easter

I've been a little stuck lately .......having a marathon pity party.  But, I think I'm mostly over myself now...at least for today, right?  It's Easter season and there is so much to be thankful for.  So, here goes...

1.  A power greater than myself.

2.  Never giving up at recovery.

3.  Babies both animal and human.

4.  Bare bones honesty (which I find so much of in this community.)

5.  Moments of Quiet.

6.  Adult children.

7.  Trips to the beach.

8.  Hubby who is trying desperately to learn and grow.

9.  Parents who loved me enough that I still know it without question.

10.  The wisdom gleaned from this awful experience with addiction.

And Henry, a prayer for you on this Easter weekend.

New Delivery....

Okay,  so I delivered my first dog bed today and I was a little nervous but he ended up really liking it.  I was so relieved.  Then I met a man who does a little upholstery on the side.  He is going to help me upholster a canopy bed I'm working on....pictures to follow.  When I showed him the fabric I had picked out he got so excited.  This new hobby/job...who knows what it is or will be, brings such joy and fun.  I am so thankful and I just wanted to share it with you guy,  my "in the trenches" friends.  It is so odd how I know so little and yet so much about you all. 

My prayers today are of thanksgiving for sobriety, my new friends, my new joy and the ability to hope for much better times.  I pray for your sons and daughters and Henry, as always.

So Much to be Thankful For....

My, how things have changed in a years time. This time last year we held our Thanksgiving meal minus our son.  We weren't quite sure where he was or what he was doing.  We had told him not to call unless he wanted to go to rehab. He called late at night obviously drunk and swearing.  It was a tough day to go thru the motions and feeling so out of sorts.  Then when he called at night we felt such a sinking feeling of how the disease of addiction had such a profound hold on our son.

Here we are today, with my beautiful boy home, sober, safe and sound.  I am so thankful for a second chance to convey the love needed for him to heal.  Prayer and love are the best weapons I have against the disease of addiction. 

Today was so wonderful.  We enjoyed ourselves so much.  I watched my whole family sit at the table eating, laughing, sitting quietly together, content to just bask in our being together.  My son didn't isolate.  He joined in.  He is Christmas shopping for his Dad.  I don't remember him thinking of anyone else in such a long time.  He wanted to bring a friend over.  He sat and hung out with his sisters and friend.  To many this may not be such a big deal but to us, this is huge because it means that he is "joining up." 

In the horse world when you start working with a horse you want to establish your place in the herd and when a horse begins to trust you and starts following you, he is joining up.  To me this is a great gift to have my son want to join back up with his family after addiction took him away for so long.

I am so thankful for this gift of a second chance.  I am thankful for the process of healing.  I am thankful for understanding what is really important.  I'm thankful for all of you guys and your wise and encouraging words.  I pray for our continued perseverance and I pray for the soul of Henry.

Aye, Aye,Aye Aye......

I am sitting in a lovely hotel room in San Antonio, Texas, with blisters on my feet from all of the walking  yesterday.  I laid my tennies out to wrap in newspaper so I wouldn't get my clothes dirty when I packed them only to forget to pack them.  This annual meeting for continuing education takes us to a different city every year.  I have learned to trek a Little farther out away from the Gap and the usual homogenized part of the city.  Otherwise, they all begin to look the same.

Yesterday, I went to Goodwill and flea markets and antique malls.  It was great fun.  I also took a cab to the Basilica of the Little Flower where I said prayers for all of you guys.  The cab ride cost me $40.00 which I have to say started to bug me but then I thought, I need to realize that I am paying for an experience and that, I can always carry with me and it doesn't gather dust and clutter my home.

AlAnon and this experience of addiction have taught me a lot about riding the waves.  Just ride it....don't think about every instance in terms of successes or failures, but paths which continue on. 
So, when the mariachi band came over and asked if I'd like a song, I said sure, how nice......until they said that will be $6.00 please.  So, I dug out six bucks and made myself quit growling and I just sang along. 

Today I have great prayers of thanksgiving for this time away, the sunshine and warm temps, for healing of others and a new perspective on life.  I pray for all of our addicted loved ones (active and recovery) and I say a pray for Henry.

Day 18 Gratitude

It was a really good weekend.  Friday night we went to a fundraiser for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.  We try to at least attend one fundraiser for CF once a year because my cousin and great friend has two children with CF. 

We grew up miles apart but spent many days of vacation on great adventures.  We grew up and live only about 30 minutes apart now,  but life happens and we still find little time together. 

Her oldest son is 22 yrs old and was diagnosed at around age 12.  So, for a long time now, she has lived carrying this tremendous weight on her shoulders.  When she learned of my son's addiction, she knew about living with constant fear and no control. 

Ours wasn't a club that anyone really wanted to join but we each had someone that we could talk to who understood that tremendous fear that never leaves.  She has carried this for so much longer than I have.  And, that fear had taken it's toll.  I cannot recall seeing her relax.....really relax.

My son is doing so much better.  I am so grateful but know that the war isn't won.  I still know that this battle is one day at a time.  But, each day makes me a little more grateful.  This weekend at the fundraiser I learned that a new drug is on the horizon which deals with THE CURE and not the symptoms.  It is so hopeful. 

I feel like my cousin and I are watching that tiny little snowball start to grow.  At that dinner, I saw my cousin light and happy and most importantly hopeful!!!  It was and is a great gift to watch.  I am so thankful.

Today, I am thankful for all those who have held my hand during my tough times even when they had their own.  I am thankful for the ability to hope.  I am thankful for the possibility for a cure. I pray for continued success with that drug.  I pray that each family facing hardship realizes that it does "take a village."  I pray we are there for each other and learn and love and hold each other up in the low times and dance and celebrate in the good times.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Finding Me Day 13

We are trying to sell our home.  There are a lot of reasons for doing this.  For one, it is a big house with  only me, hubby and two dogs rambling around.  Also, the amount of yard work beats me up.   Downsizing would allow us to get a smaller home on a smaller lot and allow us to pay off some business debt while making life easier at the same time. 

It is something that I want so bad on so many different levels that I tend to only see what I want instead of realizing how much I've been given.  I've written a number of times about failing to see and see the importance of the small things. 

One day when I was feeling particularly frustrated with the progress of selling our home, I decided to start compiling a list of what I have to be grateful for.  The list just kept going.  I thought about just how ungrateful I'd become because I wasn't getting the thing that I wanted. 

I guess you're never too old to feel entitled.  I was really embarrassed at my lack of appreciation. 

Today, I am thankful for so much progress.  I am thankful for the gift of having a home.  I am thankful for my son's progress.  I pray that he continues to learn and never forget to be grateful.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

Finding Me Day 11

I'm a little behind on posting but today I took a look back at my blog.  I looked at my very first post,  then a few others.  I was struck by just how lucky I really am.   Because of the journey I've been on, I've had a paradigm shift...... a much needed one. 

I keep thinking of Dr. Martin Luther King's famous quote where his wish for his kids is that they will be judged by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin.  If I am honest, I must admit to being judgemental for all kinds of ridiculous things.  While I may not judge for skin color, I have judged for messy rooms, bad grades, the way things "look", and a host of ridiculous things that my kids have about as much control over as MLK's kids had control over their skin color. 

One of the gifts of this journey is fresh eyes.  Today, I see that my kids are so marvelous.  It took my getting out of their way to see who they really are.  My son inspires me.  When I look at the changes he has made, I am so impressed.  He has a serious work ethic.  His sense of humor leaves me in stitches.  And, if he weren't my son and I was his age, I'd want to be his friend because of how great he is.  I know that when I need him, he'll be there for me. 

My oldest daughter has this tough exterior but a soft vulnerable soul.  I think she's the only one who doesn't see how special she is.  She is so gifted at so many things that she could really take her pick of occupations.  But, caring for others is her specialty...sometimes to the detriment of herself. 

My youngest daughter is this little ray of sunshine.  She is quiet but she can pack a punch.  She is very thoughful and detail oriented.  Because of health problems, she has the wisdom of an old soul.

My husband and I are doing something that I am so proud of.  We are going to marriage counseling.  A lot of folks consider those who are in counseling to be those who are in trouble.  I think those who are in counseling to be those who love each other and their kids enough to realize the need to do things right for the rest of their lives. 

Counseling has made me realize that every person just needs to feel loved, needs to belong to others, needs to be appreciated for their unique gifts, needs to be heard.....needs to be loved! 

I am so blessed.  My new eyes don't look at the world anymore.  And, it's amazing because what's inside of my house is far better than anything outside of it.  I have a husband who is working so hard both at work and at home to build our family up.  I've got these three great young adult children.  Watching them find their way in life is like watching the bud of a rose unfold.  The content of their character makes me so proud. 

If I can pass along one thing it is this.....look deeply at what is important and then cherish it, nourish it and be grateful for it.  Today I share my favorite prayer with you and I'll throw in a prayer for Henry.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.