Why don't they just Pull themselves up by their Bootstraps?

I'm back!!!!!  My computer had been sputtering for sometime, but I was determined to get every last breath out of it, but when only a white screen appeared, I knew it was time. Now with a new computer after six to eight years on my old one, there is a tremendous learning curve.

I went to the Southern Festival of Books this weekend.  I absolutely love this event.  I clear my October weekends in preparation for it.  There were over one hundred authors present.  Many of then have a session where they talk about their latest project and answer questions.  And, of course they sell books!  What's not to like?

One of my favorite southern authors is Rick Bragg.  If you have not read "All Over But the Shoutin'", you should.  I bought his new book about the life of Jerry Lee Lewis.  I'm not really crazy to read about his life but Rick Bragg's prose is almost poetic and so I will read anything that he writes. 

I stood in line to have it autographed.  And, what I thought would be a long boring wait, turned into a very interesting turn of events.  Strangers in line began to talk.  We began to share our hero worship of Rick Bragg but somehow the conversation took a turn when one lady that I'll call the church lady, started complaining about minimum wage employees like baggers at the grocery or store clerks.

She went on a rant, "There is just no work ethic anymore.  They ignore you and have those ear buds in while they are working.  I was taught better than that."
 
Another lady in line whom I'll call Compassionate Lady, tried to explain, "well things are different,  many of the minimum wage jobs are people who might not have been blessed to come from a family who taught them some basic skills."

The Church Lady went on to say, "well I just don't understand when you come from the richest nation in the world, that those poor people (she said with air quotes) don't just pull themselves up by the bootstraps like my grandparents did."

Almost in unison, me, Compassionate Lady, a man who had been talking with her said, "it doesn't have anything to do with money." 

Bam!  I couldn't believe it.  With my new post addiction heart, I am rarely in a majority.  The three of us began chatting away.  The man turned out to be a health reporter who also volunteers at a women's prison in Oregon where he is from.

Reporter began talking about a study done that speaks to how hard this new poverty that we face in this country is to overcome.  Mother Teresa herself said that it is easy to feed the hungry but the poverty in America is quite different and much more difficult to overcome. 

When he learned that I also volunteer in a county jail our conversation turned to our experiences there.   He was sickened by the number of women who are incarcerated that were sexually abused and don't know it.  Reporter explained how the definition of sexual abuse needs to widen.  I told him about one lady who said that when she was twelve years old "she let" a seventeen year old have sex with her so she guesses it's her fault.  He told me about an inmate who at fourteen years old "seduced" her stepfather.  They both wonder what is wrong with them that they would do such a thing.

We've separated and segregated ourselves so much that we as a people don't know or want to know what is going on in our own backyards.   I call the lady who initiated our conversation by complaining,  Church Lady because she first told us about all of the "good things" she does for her church.  But, then, is quick to judge and wring her hands over the way the poor bags her groceries.

I was the Church Lady before.  I don't have a right to stand in judgment of her. But, like any addict who goes into recovery, I too, had a conversion.  I like to follow the tradition of St. Ignatius of Loyola who lives by the simple idea of "Seeing God in All Things". 

There is beauty in going to the hard places and seeing hard things.  It is a paradox that is taught by St. Ignatius, St. Francis, twelve step recovery groups and most religions.  But, oddly enough you see it in practice in a twelve step group in a beautiful way that our churches could take a lesson from.

Seeing what I have always seen but with new eyes still shocks me sometimes.  But, it gives me a purpose.  I can be one changed voice.  That's all that I have to do.  Perhaps it will ripple.....I can only pray.

Praying for Henry and many, many others.


 

Mercy Works......

Last Thursday,  I arrived at the county jail to a swarm of busy-ness.  I have two classes each Thursday and in the five years that I have been coming and going, I had never seen such activity.  The day before our local drug task force had captured and arrested thirty-three men and women involved in the illegal purchase and sale of narcotics.  There are still seven under investigation.

When I got home later that day, I looked on my Facebook feed ( which I have a love/hate relationship with) to see various posts of celebration from folks in my county on the arrests of all of those "low lives". 

Some of the comments included sentiments such as "proud to be from a county that locks those thugs away" or "justice is served" or even "so happy that that trash is off our streets".

I found myself growing angry with these people who had made the statements.  I had to sit in quiet with God to figure out the source of my anger and this is what I came up with:

I do think that it is good that we stop the illegal sale of drugs.  I think it's good that these folks receive a consequence for their action.  But, the lynch mob mentality towards those arrested was quite disturbing. 

Each person arrested  is a son or daughter.  Each person arrested is a child of God.  I understand that it is a good thing to discover who is selling them and to stop that person but make no mistake, there will probably be another one there in short order to fill his spot or like the bad disease that addiction is, that drug ring will morph in a new way until the authorities have time to catch up to them.

And then there is this:  I have started working on a new mentorship program there at the jail and I have been asked to work with a lady who gets out near the end of September.  I met her last week for the first time. 

We discussed her needs.  She has no home to go back to, no clothing once out, no job, no family support, no education to speak of, her only ID is a revoked drivers license and she is scared to death.  She has written to every recovery house in our area to try to secure housing but inside jail she can only communicate by mail and on occasion by phone.  The recovery houses have asked her to contact them by phone.  On her few opportunities to phone, she gets a voice mailbox.

I'm going to call this lady Maggie.  Maggie filled out our form which assesses need.  She has held a job for as long as seven years at a time.  She has survived the addiction of her first family, physical, emotional and sexual abuse the best way that she knew how.  Even though at one time she was suicidal, she now feels like she is ready to try living again.

Sitting face to face with this woman taught me a lot about myself.  It was hard at first to look beyond the tattoos and missing teeth.  It was hard to look at the un-kept hygiene of someone who was about an inch away from giving up again.  But then I thought of my mentor ( at least in my mind) who is Mother Teresa.  What would she do?

If you follow her, you know.  I looked deeply into Maggie's eyes.  I kept my gaze there.  Jesus was there and as soon as I reminded myself of that fact, I stopped noticing the evidence of a hard life.  Maggie was weak and soft.  She is a heart crying out to find something that she has never had .....love. 

We talked for the two hours that our class lasted.  Towards the end I asked about whether or not she had a felony.  It is a lot more difficult to secure a job if you have a felony. 
"Yes" she said. 
Was it violent?  I asked.  Another hurdle for finding a job.
"Yes, she said.  I was so high on pills that I stabbed my husband." 
"Is he okay"  I asked. 
"Oh yes, it was superficial.  He's in here now."

Here I am sitting with a lady who stabbed her husband.  And, because we sat face to face and I was able to look beyond the label of 'assault with a deadly weapon', I understand very clearly that I have no right to judge. 

Am I naïve about her chances of reoffending?

 No.

Do I believe that simply locking people up and getting them off the streets for a certain period of time will work or even make our society better?

 No.

But, then I think about my mentor.  Sometimes, when she found the dying in the streets, she only had the time to hold them in her arms and stay with them as they died, gazing into the eyes of Jesus.  She might have taken them back to her Home for the Dying and bathed and fed them knowing that in the end it would not save their life.  But, her goal was only to love and serve. 

And so, for me, that will be my goal.  For whatever period of time that I have with them, I will gaze into the eyes of Jesus....offering the love that is freely given to me in spite of my offenses.  I will leave the final results in the hands of God.

That is the lesson that I wish that I could convey to those who made those comments.  But, then again, you have to be ready to receive the message.

 Funny thing is this:  It took addiction to open my heart to receive enough so that I could give it away.

Praying for us all.
 

Finding Me Day 14

This post may sound like a bit of a rant, but the intent is to bring about awareness.  Because the topic has been a frustrating one for me, it may come across as negative.  I am trying to stay aware of how blessed I am.  But, as my youngest says, "it can't always be hearts, sunshine and butterflies". 

My son and I have ADHD.  As Mr. Monk says of his OCD, it is both a blessing and a curse.  One of the hallmarks of ADHD is slower processing.  Many folks will see that since things aren't clicking right off the bat that there is an inability for it to click.  This can't be farther from the truth.  While the speed isn't the same, when connections are made that person might be able to take that new skill and further it like no one else. 

Schools today really frustrate me.  As someone with a teaching degree, I can say with some bit of knowledge that the schools today are set up for one kind of learner.  The powers that be have set up a system that shows more importance in learning for testing than in learning for the sake of learning.

My girls did great in school.  They were easy.  My son picked up his diploma and looked inside in disbelief that he actually made it.  But, my son tests like there's no tomorrow on those standardized tests.  He is so intelligent sometimes that it shocks me.  My girls take a little longer but can organize and get a system of study to fit each class and succeed.

My point is this, they are all three so smart in different ways.  I do not worry about their ability to navigate this life.  But in school, my son was made to feel like a loser for some disabilities which were totally out of his control.  I can tell you the really good teachers because they were the ones who liked my son.  I once had one teacher tell me at a conference that he didn't even know who my son was....Shame on him.  And, he was respected as a great teacher. 

I don't have any complicated answers for how to teach each child individually but I do have some answers that would make a world of difference.  Love your students.  Fight for your students.  Cheer your students on.  Know your students.  Create an atmosphere of cooperation instead of competition with your students.  Show them how to fight for each other.  It's all about love.  It's the greatest gift.  No matter what the disability, home situation, socioeconomic level, academic level or degree of difficulty they are all children of God.

Today I pray that someone far brighter than me will come up with a way to teach all of our children with love and respect.  I pray for our addicted loved ones to heal from wounds that were so painful that addiction was easier than facing the pain.  I pray for all of our children.  I pray for their loved ones and I say a prayer for Henry.

The Scarlet Letter...

I've saved this from my son's time in treatment.  It has haunted me since I first laid eyes on it.  These words are the antithesis of what I've ever wanted my children to learn or feel about themselves.  But, here it is in black and white. 

Over the year's time, I know that we've gained a lot of ground.  I am thankful for that.  But, last night I was reminded of how far we have to go.  I was telling my son about my girls at the jail.  He was asking why they were there.  I told him I didn't know and that it really didn't matter.  "What is important, is their need for hope and encouragement."  "I don't think that they have been told that they can do anything they set their mind to", I said.  Without missing a beat, my son says, " you shouldn't tell them that, it just sets them up for disappointment." 

Pow! Boom!Bang!  It felt like an old episode of "Batman" where those words popped across the screen and I couldn't see them coming.  "Where I work, they are more accepting of  people like me, but a lot of places aren't that way,"  he casually stated. 

The stigma of addiction. The word stigma is from the Greek and it is the singular form of the word meaning a mark of disgrace on one's reputation.  If you are Catholic, you've heard of a stigmata.  Go here for more info.    People (saints mostly) who bear the physical marks resembling the wounds of the crucified Christ are experiencing a stigmata.  Stigmata is the plural form of the word stigma, meaning many marks or tattoos of sins or suffering.  I find this "goosebump worthy". 

Raise your hand if you've  read The Scarlet Letter in high school.  What did you learn from that?  Have you heard the parable of the Good Samaritan?  What about how foolish the people of biblical times were about the lepers?  Huh, did we associate that lesson to the AIDS epidemic?  We're so evolved.  We can see each lesson in that one tunnel visioned story or lesson, but we can't GET the lesson that is to be applied to other things. 

There is this  wise blogger out there says that folks won't get it until they get their turn in their own barrel.  I guess she's right.  But, I still need to get this rant off my chest.  Are you perfect?  Have you done things you weren't proud of ?  Did you do it of your own free will?  Well, guess what, our addicted loved ones lost their free will.  They didn't want to keep doing these things.  But, the disease of addiction physically forced them to keep feeding the hungry beast. 

All I ask is this, the next time you see a homeless person, an inmate, a drunk or addict, look into their eyes.  Imagine those eyes as an infant in the arms of it's mother.  Remember that that person is someones child.  Imagine that it is your child in that place.  Now, treat them accordingly. 

"The  King will answer and say to them ' Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of the brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me."  Matthew 25:40

Today I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for the gift of knowledge.  I am thankful that God gave me the vision to see my son's "marks".  I am thankful for the gift experience from all those great bloggers out there.  I pray for the wisdom to continue this journey.  I pray for the continued healing of our addicted loved ones and, a prayer for Henry.


wise

There but for the Grace of God, Go I

Today, I volunteered for my second meeting at the jail.  These girls/ladies teach me so much.  My fearless leader,  (aka my Al Anon leader) who will never accept that title.....but who lovingly leads....quietly,  soothing each fear and insecurity in her ever so approachable way, asked me to join her because 2 volunteers are needed at the jail and no one else was available.  I went. 

If you had asked me just one year ago if I would ever volunteer at a jail, I would have said, "absolutely not !!"  My perspective one year later, finds this experience to be a great  blessing.  Like most people, a year ago, I might have thought that these people were reaping the fruits of their actions.  I,  most likely would have had any number of judgements swirling around in my mind.   But, since this time 13 months ago, I, like them, have been broken. 

There is beauty in our brokenness.  I would have never understood that before.  But, when something like addiction rocks you to the core, you finally have the courage to let down your guard, lose all those protective barriers, confess all those dark haunting sins and know that only by throwing your arms wide open and walking directly into your personal pain, will you ever have the chance to experience a different life.  Brokenness opens the door to conversion.

Some of these girls are the victims of some pretty awful circumstances and abuses.  Most of them are smart but have been poorly educated.  If they are pulling the wool over my eyes, it is because this behavior has always helped them to survive. 

Today, they opened up a lot more.  I have no reference for how long this takes, but my fearless leader says that they are trusting sooner than usual.  She is pleased....so I am too.  There were two ladies in particular who talked about how they felt that forgiving those who abused them, let them off the hook.  We tried to tell them that by not forgiving, they allowed their abuser to steal away a piece of them that could be used to explore their gifts.  Letting go is a gift to them not the abuser.  One lady has such tremendous guilt over her actions and how they are affecting her children.  Like most of us, they are stuck.  Feverishly hanging onto our sins as if we don't trust that we can be forgiven while allowing the shame and consequences of our bad choices define us.

The beauty of "the bottom" is that at that place we are ready to let go and start to hope for something different.  We are ready to confess our sins and plead for forgiveness and another chance.  We finally feel worthy of forgiveness. 

Before the meeting I always say a little prayer that God will help me to use only His words and that He will help me to keep my mouth closed when I need to (a recurring problem).

 A couple of the girls had a really hard time articulating the guilt they felt and the worthiness to expect anything different.  It was at that time that I heard myself say, "there but for the grace of God go I."  God's words I am sure, for I didn't plan them....they just popped out.  I went on to say, "that means that if I were born into your circumstances, or yours, or yours.....would I be any better or different?  If you had been born into mine, would you be different?  I had loving parents who didn't drink or do drugs.  I wasn't abused.  Who am I to judge someone who had to endure all of that?"  "We are all children created by God.  I am no better than anyone here.  I got lucky growing up, but I screwed up with my own son by not making sure he felt unconditional love." My eyes moved around the room, making eye contact with every girl who would meet my gaze as I said, "we are no different, in God's eyes, we can only learn and support one another and when you get on your feet, give back."

With tear filled eyes, two people mouthed thank you.  I say thank you to God, for the privilege of being His messenger, for the gift of His words and for the hope He brings.  I am so blessed.  Mother Teresa was right.  Americans are spiritually starving.  At the end of each meeting we form a circle, hold hands and say the "Our Father".  I took this one girl's hand and she winced.  I looked down and her hand was terribly swollen.  "Oh, I'm so sorry" as I let go.  "You can still hold my hand, just don't twist it."  I held her wrist and hugged her when we finished. 

We all crave love without judgement.  These girls crave our touch, acceptance and love.  Today I realized what an unworthy servant I am.  I have frittered away so many opportunities and been given so many advantages. 

Today I am thankful for this vision given with this new opportunity.  I am thankful that I am allowed the privilege of His service.  I pray that the stigma of addiction, alcoholism, those who are in jail and so many other things will be seen as the marks of Christ dying for our sins.  I pray that we can help to feed the spiritual starvation of our world.  And, I say a prayer for all addicts and Henry.

Stigma

Stigma is a huge problem for addicts and alcoholics, recovering or not.  It is a problem for me because it makes me angry, as mama bear.  I'm working on writing a piece for a magazine on this subject and I thought that getting outside insights would be more objective than just presenting my lone perspective.  So, I'd love to hear your opinions on this subject. 

If you have the time, please my blog as your platform.  I would appreciate all and any help!!