Thoughts From the Weekend

Big Sister and I drove to Ruston Louisiana Friday night.  She had an interview for a position in a PhD program at Louisiana Tech University.  We arrived at 12:30 am.  We were unable to leave until she got off work at 2 pm.  Saturday morning she was supposed to be at the university by 9:30 am and finished around 4 pm and then back for a dinner at 6 pm. 

I did a little wandering around.  Ruston is 30 minutes from West Monroe, LA in one direction and an hour from Shreveport in another direction.  I wandered around the antique district in West Monroe.  It was probably the best antique shopping I'd ever seen.

Once her dinner was over, she picked me up from Starbucks ( where she had parked me) and we headed a little closer to home.  We stayed the night in Little Rock.  The next morning we headed to Memphis where I met a cousin for mass and lunch before heading back to Nashville.  It was so nice to see him and spend a little time there. 

I've spent a lot of time this year trying to stop and visit.  I'm trying to remember to savor the family that I have left.  The Dad and I have been isolated for far too long.  At first we lived 500 miles from all of our family and once we moved back here, the business and insanity of all that we had come to be took over.  I'm living my life now.  I'm starting to enjoy a few things that I had forgotten about.

I am tired of the same problems.  Today I feel as if I need to stay parked in my home and just rest.  Some days just feel as if things will never change.  Honestly, I know that many things are so much better.  But, other problems weigh me down.  Maybe it is the fatigue from the weekend.......You have all been there.  While I am taking today to just chill, I'll get back out there tomorrow.  But, while I'm in, I'll be praying for all of you guys.


 

The Long and Winding Road

We are at the stage of the game that leads to really good places and really tough places.  We have uncovered so much that was hidden by the anesthesia of drug addiction each day and even though the addiction is "in remission"??  we have other battles ahead.  Anxiety is a big problem.  Getting help for someone who is afraid of taking medication is problematic.  

I have so much to be thankful for but this long and winding road has really begun to wear on me both physically and emotionally.  I feel good about my decisions and then an hour later I question.  I'm really tired.  I don't know how to proceed.  

Today, I say a prayer of thanksgiving that we are dealing with the issues underneath the addiction.  I pray for guidance and strength.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

The Journey

A chronic disease is like a marathon.  Anyone who suffers from one knows this for sure.  Addiction, I think like cancer or cystic fibrosis, drags the family along in tow.  I have always felt that this is a journey that no one wanted to take.

A journey suggests that this will take us from one place to the next.  And, so it does.  In the beginning I wanted direction from anyone who could help.  Then, I tried employing only the boundaries I discovered in the recovery communities.  Now, I look to my faith to help me out in the gray areas.

I recently met with my friend Lou.  I told her that we (our family) had helped my son "one last time".  She said that she hoped it wasn't the last time.  And when I tried to apologize for something that I'd done with my son, she told me to quit apologizing.  When she instantly, matter of factly (don't know if that's a word) said those words it was as if a 60 lb boulder was lifted from my shoulders.

If he is using, he will go.  If he is trying to recover do I just stay away?  For now, I have decided to go with my intuition.  I have decided to go with prayer.  I am trying to remember that parable of the man forgiving his servant not 7 times but  77 times.  I am trying to remember that loving my neighbor as myself and the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and mind can never steer me wrong.

This does not mean that I'm allowing him to move in, ever or that I will give him money.  It just means that I will not be sorry for forgiving after disappointment or for loving him no matter what he does or where he goes. 

This is my newest milestone.  This is a place where control and fear are not allowed to enter.  This is a place of holy indifference. 

Today, I am thankful for the peace and joy provided when I am at a point where I can no longer keep moving forward without God's grace.  I am thankful for great friends who are pretty good at throwing a tow line.  I am thankful that God is the one doing the heavy lifting on this one.  I pray so hard and without ceasing for healing for our addicted loved ones.  I pray for the miracle of love to engulf them so that a substance will never compare.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Battle Fatigue

I love watching the daylight increase during these cold frigid months.  It gives me hope.  I am a warm weather girl.  Lucy (our doxie) has noticed, as well, as she begins training me to let her out at will.

 I always have this dream of order in my life.  It is a goal that always eludes me.  I think this notion becomes important to me in the winter.  I am not sure why.  I guess it's the fresh start idea that has become ingrained in me even though  I don't really take it too seriously.

Today I go to the doctor, again.  I am a diabetic with high blood pressure who has had bouts of racing heart with nausea.  It is a random thing that scares me when it's happening and makes me question if it's my imagination when it's not. 

These kind of things cause me to pause over what is most important in my life.  We're selling our home and downsizing.  We've been on the market for almost a year.  It feels like living in purgatory and wanting to get the hell out.  I'm weary of showing the house and looking online at possible replacements.  I'm sick of getting my hopes up. 

I want to be in a fresh new smaller home.  I want to sit on a beautiful warm beach and feel the sun kiss my skin.  Sometimes the journey becomes tiring.  I think that time and experience are so important to a family.  That's what I want this year.  Simpler, smaller, less stuff more experiences. 

These ramblings help me to sort out my feelings.  I will continue this journey of prayer for all of our loved ones and always remember to throw in a prayer for Henry.