Why don't they just Pull themselves up by their Bootstraps?

I'm back!!!!!  My computer had been sputtering for sometime, but I was determined to get every last breath out of it, but when only a white screen appeared, I knew it was time. Now with a new computer after six to eight years on my old one, there is a tremendous learning curve.

I went to the Southern Festival of Books this weekend.  I absolutely love this event.  I clear my October weekends in preparation for it.  There were over one hundred authors present.  Many of then have a session where they talk about their latest project and answer questions.  And, of course they sell books!  What's not to like?

One of my favorite southern authors is Rick Bragg.  If you have not read "All Over But the Shoutin'", you should.  I bought his new book about the life of Jerry Lee Lewis.  I'm not really crazy to read about his life but Rick Bragg's prose is almost poetic and so I will read anything that he writes. 

I stood in line to have it autographed.  And, what I thought would be a long boring wait, turned into a very interesting turn of events.  Strangers in line began to talk.  We began to share our hero worship of Rick Bragg but somehow the conversation took a turn when one lady that I'll call the church lady, started complaining about minimum wage employees like baggers at the grocery or store clerks.

She went on a rant, "There is just no work ethic anymore.  They ignore you and have those ear buds in while they are working.  I was taught better than that."
 
Another lady in line whom I'll call Compassionate Lady, tried to explain, "well things are different,  many of the minimum wage jobs are people who might not have been blessed to come from a family who taught them some basic skills."

The Church Lady went on to say, "well I just don't understand when you come from the richest nation in the world, that those poor people (she said with air quotes) don't just pull themselves up by the bootstraps like my grandparents did."

Almost in unison, me, Compassionate Lady, a man who had been talking with her said, "it doesn't have anything to do with money." 

Bam!  I couldn't believe it.  With my new post addiction heart, I am rarely in a majority.  The three of us began chatting away.  The man turned out to be a health reporter who also volunteers at a women's prison in Oregon where he is from.

Reporter began talking about a study done that speaks to how hard this new poverty that we face in this country is to overcome.  Mother Teresa herself said that it is easy to feed the hungry but the poverty in America is quite different and much more difficult to overcome. 

When he learned that I also volunteer in a county jail our conversation turned to our experiences there.   He was sickened by the number of women who are incarcerated that were sexually abused and don't know it.  Reporter explained how the definition of sexual abuse needs to widen.  I told him about one lady who said that when she was twelve years old "she let" a seventeen year old have sex with her so she guesses it's her fault.  He told me about an inmate who at fourteen years old "seduced" her stepfather.  They both wonder what is wrong with them that they would do such a thing.

We've separated and segregated ourselves so much that we as a people don't know or want to know what is going on in our own backyards.   I call the lady who initiated our conversation by complaining,  Church Lady because she first told us about all of the "good things" she does for her church.  But, then, is quick to judge and wring her hands over the way the poor bags her groceries.

I was the Church Lady before.  I don't have a right to stand in judgment of her. But, like any addict who goes into recovery, I too, had a conversion.  I like to follow the tradition of St. Ignatius of Loyola who lives by the simple idea of "Seeing God in All Things". 

There is beauty in going to the hard places and seeing hard things.  It is a paradox that is taught by St. Ignatius, St. Francis, twelve step recovery groups and most religions.  But, oddly enough you see it in practice in a twelve step group in a beautiful way that our churches could take a lesson from.

Seeing what I have always seen but with new eyes still shocks me sometimes.  But, it gives me a purpose.  I can be one changed voice.  That's all that I have to do.  Perhaps it will ripple.....I can only pray.

Praying for Henry and many, many others.


 

Examen

In the happy wagging tail of one long backed Lucy.
In the evening summer sounds of crickets and frogs.
In the sudden direction previously not seen.
In the despair at starting over.
In the prayers said by family members.

God is Present.

For healing and growth in our family.
For help when I cry out.
For strength when weary.
For a way, when none is seen.
For acceptance.
For Love.

I am grateful to God.

Fear.
Depression.
Quiet Acceptance.
Hope.

The feelings God gives me today.

Heavenly Father,

Please empty me of all that is not from you.  Fill me with strength, direction and love.  Give me the wisdom to see and hear your will for me this day and give me what I need to carry that out.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen

Tomorrow.

The possibilities are endless if only I listen to the desires that God has placed within me.  There is hope in tomorrow.  There is love waiting tomorrow.

This is an example of a five step Examen used in Ignatian Spirituality.  Our wonderful Pope Francis is a Jesuit (the group who follows the example of St. Ignatius).


Ignatian Spirituality is about developing a better relationship with God through converser (Prayer).  This is a helpful link on his ideas about prayer.

 

Contemplation

I turned fifty on Tuesday.  I've been thinking about this new decade with hope.  Ever since I turned forty-nine my focus has been on fifty.  You could argue that I'm not really living in the present....and be right.  But, for me I need to look back and examine so that I can look forward with clarity and possibly understand what it is that I really want out of what's left of this life.

In the early days of dealing with my son's addiction, I held on to the past (i.e. what I did and didn't do) with a death grip.  I'm not sure why.  I guess I wanted to know why he was an addict.  I figured if I knew why then I could fix it. 

I've been on a long search trying to understand.  "I've been to at least one hundred thousand Al Anon meetings", as Father Tom Weston SJ would say.  I've been to many Saturday night open AA speaker meetings.  I've taken some weekend Ignatian retreats to better understand the Spiritual Exercises.  I volunteer at the jail in the Homeward Bound program.  And, I've bought many books.  If I laid down all of the books that I've bought in the last few years and put them end to end they would extend from my home in Tennessee to........Never mind......that is probably not information that the Dad or I want to look at too closely.

I've been looking for truth.  Like the apostle Thomas, I am looking for direction.  "I am the way and the truth and the life." Jesus said in John 14 :6.  When my Son went to his second stint in rehab the counselor met with us on family weekend.  "He's really honest.  But, he's not very truthful."  He said.

What a strange thing to say. The Dad and I looked at one another puzzled.  This counselor, this recovering addict would teach us a lot about life.  I was asked to teach a class in the jail called Moral Reconation Therapy.    I didn't really want to teach the class.  I didn't even know what the word reconation meant.  The class taught me and the students to stop making decisions based on pleasure or pain and to start making decisions on moral reasoning or right and wrong. 

Truth is what is real.  Period.  Honesty, simply put, is our perception of truth.  Growing up, if you hear that you are lazy enough, it becomes what you believe about yourself.  But, is it truth? 

I write in an effort to mine for truth.  I look back at my family looking for what is real...not what I've always heard.  There is a lot of alcoholism and addiction in my family.  What does that mean?  What does that say about me?  Does that mean that my son is doomed to live his life out in active addiction?

I've learned so much.  I am really no different than the alcoholic or addict.  At the root of it all, we all feel uncomfortable with who we are or what we think that we are.  We've been listening to those voices whether from within or without telling us that we are not enough. 

Those voices that say, "You should be ashamed of yourself."

Those voices saying, "It's your fault."

Those voices that tell you to be afraid.....every waking moment of every day.

The difference between them and me......I can have a drink and think, "no I'd rather save those calories for chocolate."  They can't.  I have diabetes and when my blood sugar drops, my hands shake and I start sweating and my body aches for sugar.  I told my endocrinologist, " I think my drug of choice is sugar."  He said, "Yes, diabetes acts very much like addiction.  You get low and crave sugar.  You eat the sugar and you feel sick again and it starts over and over again.  You can't live with it and you can't live without it.

I get that analogy.  My son has a disease just as my ancestors have.  Disease is hard to live with, no matter what the disease.  Disease, regardless of the kind  affects the whole family.  But, with addiction, nobody wants to talk about it. 

I do.

I want to respect the privacy of my son.  But, I will not let fear or shame keep me sick.  I'm not ashamed of the addict or alcoholic.  I hope one day they will find their way past fear and shame. 



But, until then, I will pray. 

For them. 
For you. 
And for Henry. 



 

A Little Lost

  Trust is a detachment from control ( my definition...don't quote me).  I'm having a spectacularly difficult time resting in faith, right now.  My house is exactly one week away from closing, if all goes well.  I sit here typing while waiting on the appraiser to arrive; the last item on the list of things to do before closing.  It makes me a nervous wreck.  Tomorrow we have another showing.  Our realtor does not believe in taking chances and will continue to show it until the ink dries.

Son is at his 12 step immersion retreat and the counselor called saying that he was doing well but moving slowly with regard to the first step.  So, now I'm worrying about that.  Why oh why do I do this?  Someone please tell me how to turn this off.

I want so desperately to do things differently this time around.  As I sit here to write, I start to dig out my feelings and I think that I am afraid to accept the possibility that he might not make it.  I am afraid of totally letting him go back into addiction because if he does, I will not be able to afford to put him in a safe place to recover.  I am afraid of this disease taking him completely.  I am afraid to entertain the thought of burying my son.

There it is, my greatest fear.  And some how, my worrying about the fact that he is struggling with the first step leads me straight to the worst possible scenario.  I wonder if parenting a child who suffers from drug addiction counts for time off in purgatory? 

Today is another day in the desert.  I'm so tired of of the mountains of worry here.  I hate addiction.  I hate feeling so lost.  I know that God has been so good.  I know that I could turn all of this around and look at it from the point of gratitude. 

He is in recovery.  Thanks be to God.  There is a contract on the house.  Thanks be to God.  He is struggling with this first step, but he's got ten other young men there to help him ( and they are trying to teach him to ask for help which they say he has trouble with) and maybe this is one big step in changing the way he does business.  Thanks be to God.

Ignatian spirituality teaches us to have "holy indifference" to anything and everything.  That requires a great deal of trust.  The reason I can't trust that much is because I want it to turn out the way I want it.  I don't trust enough to let go of my will, not all of the time anyway.

So, I sit here a little lost and fearful.  I will continue to pray for courage.  I am thankful for this opportunity for recovery for both son and for myself.  I am thankful for the contract on the house.  I am thankful for good friends and family.  I pray for recovery for all of our addicted loved ones.  And, as always one for Henry.

 

Conquer Self

There are so many changes going on that I can't seem to catch my breath.  My youngest is going to graduate high school soon.  My son is anxiously awaiting a new job/apprenticeship with the iron workers union.  My house is for sale.  I've changed jobs.  But, the most profound change is the way that I look at life. 

On Friday the 13th (appropriate right?), I will turn 47 years old.  And, I feel this since of urgency in "getting it all in".  There is so much that I want to do that I don't know where to start.  I feel impatient and want it all now!!  I can't  create any sense of order out of my swirling ideas...

So, I must learn to plan under God's direction.  As I study the Spiritual Exercises, I get little nuggets to guide this phase of limbo that is my life.   I am learning that planning means looking back at mistakes and confessing them and making penance for them.  It means apologizing, if necessary.  This takes away distractions so that I can honestly focus and it helps me to learn to avoid future stumbles of the same sort. 

Next, I must allow for "quiet time" each day with God both in meditation and prayer.  For me, this "talk less/listen more" tactic has been long overdue.  When I listen, a lot of useless "self talk" seems to evaporate and I am supplied with the ideas that really need my attention.

I also must look at the parables and imagine myself there and use my senses while doing this.  This has been so good because it teaches me in a practical sense how Jesus handled situations.  This exercise begins to help you see the parables that are present in your life everyday. 

Conquering self is the goal of the Spiritual Exercises so that you live in accordance to God's will.  I think conquering self is the most efficacious vaccine available to combat drugs/alcohol and a host of other problems we create when we see things as the world does instead of how God does.

My life has been hard this year.  I think I could have easily given up on many occasions.  But, God in his goodness has given me the kick that I needed to get up and fight.    I am so thankful.

Today, I am thankful for the progress made.  I pray for wisdom and guidance for the days ahead.  I pray for my son and your loved one to find the fire inside that God has given them.  I pray for all those who are just beginning the journey into sobriety....may the hold strong and keep fighting.  And I pray for Henry.

What is really underneath it all?

 

Every big life change thrusts you into a new world that you must learn about.  Addiction is no different.  There are so many topics related to this issue.  Every time that I think I understand so much, a new little twist pops up.  I am constantly surprised.  I began looking into the beginning of AA and the 12 step program.  I discovered what a fascinating story that is.  I want to share with you a little of what I've learned.  I think it will help you whether you have addiction in your family or not. 

Let's start with a working knowledge of terms.  Addiction is THE disease.  It isn't just alcoholism or drug addiction.  Scientists have learned that in the brain of the addict, it doesn't matter what the substance is.  If it is booze or pills, stimulants or depressants, in the brain of an addict, it all behaves the same way.  Their brains have over a period of time, become rewired.  That is not to say that they don't have a drug of choice.  It just helps us to understand that the big problem is that of addiction.  Other substances might be substituted with many of the same effects of the drug of choice, in the life of an addict.

About the time of prohibition, we began to see a lot of alcoholics.  Few doctors recognized alcoholism as a medical condition.  Bill W an alcoholic, had found one doctor who looked at addiction as more than just a moral failing. He had treated Bill three other times. Bill was told that if this treatment failed, he would go to a mental institution or die.   On Bill's fourth hospital stay, he was feeling hopeless and cried out "I'll do anything, anything at all."  "If there is a God, Let him show himself."  He then experienced a great light, a sensation of ecstasy and serenity.  It was after this experience that he realized that any recovery could only happen because of a spiritual awakening. 

Bill later meets with an old drinking buddy who is now sober.  He tells Bill that he has found religion.  It helps Bill to talk to this friend. He realizes that alcoholics need other alcoholics to recover.   He then meets a doctor who struggles with addiction.  His name is Dr. Bob.  Together they begin forming what is now AA. 

Now fast forward a few years.  The AA "Big Book" has been printed.  There are a few meetings going on.  But, Bill is frustrated that things aren't taking off as quickly as he'd like.  It was a very cold sleety night.  Someone comes to the door and Bill in his fatigue thinks it's another bum.  He is tired but says come on in.  The fella removes his coat which reveals his priest's collar.  The man is Father Ed Dowling, a Jesuit priest.  He came to tell him how similar the 12 steps are to the "Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius."  Bill replies, " never heard of him."  This gets a laugh out of Father Ed but begins a great friendship between the two men.

Now, let's go back in time.  St. Ignatius, the author of the spiritual exercises, had his own "at the bottom" moment.  He was a great warrior.  He was very proud.  An injury forced him to be bed ridden for a very long time.  He requested reading material that had to do with warriors and battles but the only reading material was "Vita Christi" by Ludolph Saxony.  This book known as Simple Contemplation, asks the reader to place himself at each of the scenes of the gospel stories.  It was a condensed version of spiritual instructions, meditations and prayers that he had heard from over sixty writers, with regard to spiritual matters.  This made Ignatius experience a conversion.  He went on to form the Society of Jesus (Jesuits). 

OK, this is a very abbreviated version of a couple of men, separated by more than 400 yrs.  What could they possibly have in common?  As a parent of an addict, I have acquired this new vocabulary this year.  We've talked about detaching, learning the will of God through discernment, we've talked about dependence on God, we've talked about understanding the harms that we've done to others and then to make amends for them, we've talked about sponsors who advise you and have the courage to tell you when you are wrong.   We were advised to continue to take a moral inventory of ourselves and to make amends.  We do this so that thru prayer and meditation so that we can improve our contact with God.  And we are taught to take this message to others.  Learning these things was like hitting the lottery.  These activities have helped our family so much.  I had wished that the 12 steps were around when my grandfather, Henry was alive. 

Guess what, they were.  Well, not the 12 steps.  But, the idea that we give up control and become dependent on God.  The idea that we get to know ourselves and our motivations better so that we can learn through the gospel stories how Jesus lived.  The idea of frequent confession so that we can focus on the will of God.  St. Ignatius gave such great instructions for discernment.  He thought that everyone needed a spiritual advisor who could be honest  so that they  could see their authentic self.  Then he advised them to take God's message to others. 

Sound familiar?  Ever heard, "they need to hit rock bottom?"  Well, Ignatius and Bill had hit rock bottom.  In both cases, God intervened.  Ever heard of an intervention?  I really thought I was learning new cutting edge information.  Nope same problems, same solutions.  Do you suppose addictions are only to drugs and alcohol?  I don't anymore.  I think we are ALL addicts.  We might have different drugs of choice.  Ours might be legal.  But, addictions are something we need more and more of.  They are something we don't think we can live without.  We might spend more and more time trying to get what we want.  I love sugar.  I've told my endocrinologist that I needed AA for sugar and he agreed with me.  He said it was an addiction.  There is also power, money, attention, sex, food, and ANYTHING that you  can't or won't give up to maintain a healthy relationship with God (remember he is a jealous God).   You are as,  George Strait says in a really good song, "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places." 

Why are we so afraid?  Why were Adam and Eve afraid in the garden?  Sin....it is that voice telling us that it won't hurt to do what we want.  This is were we need to get to know ourselves....where we need to practice discernment.  Does the voice we hear tell us what we want to hear or does it bring us back to God? 

When we start peeling all of the rubbish off of our pile, we learn what is important.  Peeling back....detaching.  Relying on THE ONE, can show you what God sent you here for.  Now, how cool is that?  How exciting is that?  We, like the addict, have been mucking up God's plans.  But, it's not too late.  It never is. 

Today my prayer is that each reader will peel back to learn what is underneath.  God is at our core.  Can you find him?  I pray for the ability to recognize right from wrong, good from evil and life from death.  I also pray for the soul of my Henry and yours.