Numb

"Well Mama, I think we have finally become numb."  The Dad said over our lunch, last Friday.
We were traveling to Columbus Ohio to the Dad's thirty year veterinary school reunion when I received a call from a bail bondsman letting me know that the son had been arrested for a DUI, his second in a month.

The Son has worked very hard to stay off of drugs.  But, he hasn't yet accepted his powerlessness over alcohol.  We did not bail him out, this time.  We did not try to manage his consequences.  This time, we tried to manage our lives, instead.

As I sat over lunch I thought about it, numb was the perfect adjective.  I didn't feel anything.  I didn't feel the panic, that I might have felt early on.  I didn't feel all that surprised.  Parents/loved ones know when the distance of addiction is present.  And, we know that something is probably brewing just over the horizon.

Instead of changing our plans to hover over the latest crisis, we went on our trip, taking in each activity with gratitude.  We stopped for lunch at a Jerry's restaurant, one that we had eaten at many times while growing up because it was the only restaurant in Elizabethtown KY.  I'd like to say that we didn't worry at all, but you would all know how impossibly untrue that can be. 

We stopped in Lexington Kentucky at the historic Keeneland Race Course and watched a few races while enjoying the beautiful sunshine that blanketed the still green pastures of central Kentucky.  From there we headed north and once we crossed the Ohio river we took in a little Cincinnati style chili at Skyline Chili.  Finally we finished our journey north by arriving at our hotel in Columbus.

The next morning after breakfast, we went to the All American Quarter Horse Congress, a show that is the culmination of all of the American Quarter Horse show season where the best of the best compete.  When my mind tried to return to the illusion of what I'd like to control, I would try to steer it in the direction of  'what am I to learn from today for my life.'  Then we had a little Rotola's pizza, the Dad's favorite from vet school and a trip to Barnes and Noble--what trip is complete without a new book or two?

We went back to the room and I read while he watched THE Ohio State cream Rutgers.  Then we headed to the reunion.  We visited and chatted.  Most were strangers to me.  At one point the Dad whispered in my ear, " Are you okay?"

Quite automatically I responded, "Yes, I am, now that I know who I am."

I'm not sure why that came out.  But, if I think about it, knowing who you really are instead of being the extension of others releases any fear that I might have had before. 

Post addiction, I can go to the reunion and see those who are posturing and think, "Bless their hearts" and enjoy those who are just want to touch base with old classmates.  Knowing who I am is a perpetual exercise in understanding intention.

That exercise allowed me to come to a place where I can let this place that we find ourselves in be about recognizing that this is his disease to figure out.  I will love him....enough to stop offering advice.  I will trust enough that I will allow him the space to feel God's presence and help. 

Numb, yes to the old fears and worries but yet hopeful.  Hopeful that like me, he will start to know who and whose he is and finally to know that that is all that really matters.

Praying for us all.  Praying for Henry.





 

All I Can Do is Pray

"I have reached the point that all I can do for him is pray."  The Dad says with sadness.  I had reached that point sometime earlier.  Then second guessed myself and tried to take back control.  Given it up.  Taken it Back......You know how it goes.

But now, we have reached a newer level of acceptance than before, together.  And so what we do now is pray and grieve. 

Our counselor says that this is the place we all need to be.  He thinks we are getting healthy.  But, will the son?  It will totally be up to him.  We are at that place where the realization has come to us and we have accepted that it is time for him to decide for himself, the kind of man that he will be in this life.

He needs to face his own struggle....as we are facing ours. 

I look at the girls that I work with at the jail.  And, many times I am so discouraged.  This is why I go to Al Anon.  But, I must realize that I am in the business of planting seeds.  It may come up.  It may not.  It may be taken over by weeds.  It may flourish.  It may need to die back before it comes up new and strong.

And, so is the case with the Son.  I've planted the seeds.  Now I need to get back and tend my own garden.  I keep forgetting to tend my own garden.  And, I was thinking.....all along, all we could really do was pray. 

Praying for you and yours.
Hattie

Money For Nothin' and Your Chicks For Free.....

My husband is an equine veterinarian.  He has been practicing now for 28 years.  There are times when it has been a very fulfilling career and vocation for him.  Lately, with a slow economy, there has been nastiness of epidemic proportion.

Just today, two clients have threatened to us;  one to use another vet if an after hours charge wasn't removed and one threatened to have a dispute filed with a credit card company over charges another disagreed with.  She also threatened a lawsuit and reporting us to a veterinary medical association.

There really are a lot of nice clients out there but a few make you want to wave the white flag, sell out and move on.  I was thinking just how brilliant the cupcake places are.  You sell one enormous beautiful cupcake for $5.00 and nobody gets pissed off or tells you that the ingredients were not just right.  They don't tell you that because they are so fattening that maybe they'll just pay $3.50.

I was feeling overwhelmed at all of this happening just before noon when my husband said, 'remember son is doing so much better right now; we are doing better; the girls are okay.  I guess that really is all that matters.

Today, I am thankful for a husband that can remind me when life pushes me down.  I am thankful for all of the blessings listed above.  I pray for all of our addicted loved ones to persevere in their fight for freedom from addiction.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

The Face of Jesus

Sometimes, when I stand back and pay attention, I  see things that I easily miss on any given day.  Don't you imagine that there are times that God is all of His glory in heaven sits back like any good parent shaking His head thinking, when will they get it?

Son is at home between jobs and sober.  I know this because when I thought he was using I said , "would you be willing to take a drug test?"  His reply was "yes ma am, would you like for me to pick one up?"  In days past this would have been all that I needed and I would have been delighted by such a response but older wiser Hattie was not falling for it so she said,"why yes, I would appreciate that very much!"

He was clean....clearly PAWS were rearing their ugly head his way.  He is of his own volition, doing 90 meetings in 90 days and met with a sponsor yesterday.  Before, this would have had me doing a happy dance.  Today, I figure it will work out or not.....holy indifference, a grace for sure.

Sunday, he went to an NA meeting and stopped at a convenience store to get gas on his way home.  There was a homeless guy outside who asked if he could bum a cigarette.  Son said sure and gave him 3-4 cigarettes.  The homeless man  was very grateful and asked how he was and what he was up to.  Son told him where he'd been.  The homeless man told him that he used to smoke crack cocaine but now substituted for alcohol.  He told him to keep it up.  He told him to take this chance and change his life. 

This encounter really touched my son.  He kept talking about it all day.  I think my son saw Jesus that day.  And, sometimes, the kindness of those who have the least still surprises me.  The marginalized are just dismissed.  But, if we pay attention, if we look them in the eyes with the hope of seeing Jesus.........we just might.

Later, the daughter had the Kardashians on tv.  Everyone that walked in the room made a comment about how we could not believe that she was watching that. And, like moth to a flame, we all sat there unable to change it because we could not believe how unrealistic these folks really are.

 Later, my son said to me that he thought the mom was a succubus......OK this is my son who was not sober for most of high school and all of college.  First of all, I had to ask him what this meant, then I could not believe it when my son told me that it was a female demon appearing in human form and that one of our earliest popes was corrupt in large part because of his liaison with one.  He thought this was true, then googled it and confirmed. 

Well, wonders never cease.  Wonder what God has in store next?  Everyday is a surprise.....

Today I am thankful for the gifts of God's generous heart.  I am thankful for the "least of these" and the lessons that they teach me, all of the time.  I'm thankful for the gift of faith.  I pray for God to heal your sons and daughters and mine.  I pray for wisdom and I pray for the soul of my grandfather, Henry.

Today's Parable

I

Ever mindful of my life and the lessons before me, I pray that I don't miss the opportunity to learn in the way that Jesus taught us....through the parables in our everyday lives which serve to teach and remind us of who and what we are and what we are called to do.

I sat a lone in my hot attic on this 92 degree day with sweat pouring down the center of my back.  Nineteen years of memories are held here.  I am emptying it in a leap of faith that if I begin the process of moving, the buyers will come.

As I empty the contents, I am thinking of how overwhelming this task will be.  I come up with the plan to :

1.  Get rid of the garbage
2.  Sell that which could be of use to others
3.  Keep what is still of use or a memento

I sit here in the floor looking at the girls American Girl dolls, favorite DVDs, books but not my sons camera, X-Box, computer or guitar because they were sold for drugs.  Downstairs (in the garage below) I hear my daughter sorting the garage sale items, jamming to one of my I tunes;  a favorite from when I was just a young girl...

"Got on board a westbound 747
Didn't think before deciding what to do
Ooh, that talk of opportunities
TV breaks and movies
Rang true
Sure rang true

Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But girl don't they warn ya
It pours, man it pours

Out of work, I'm out of my head
Out of self respect, I'm out of bread
I'm underloved, I'm underfed, I wanna go home
It never rains in California
But girl don't they warn ya
It pours, man it pours"

And then I see this cross pendant laying on the floor right next to what looks like a "straw" used for snorting drugs...

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it
Had offers but didn't know which one to take
Please don't tell 'em how you found me
Don't tell 'em how you found me
Gimme a break, give me a break

Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But girl don't they warn ya
It pours, man it pours"

I think to myself, I could take every last item to the dumpster and never look back.  I think I will mourn, again and again.  Until I can relax and surrender what is not to be, what never was, what the road ahead will not include. 

But, today I will throw away the trash both in this attic and in my life.  I will not hold onto what only gathers dust and begins to decay.  I will only take with me, what is of use.

When I look back on the empty space left behind, I will see that cross and that straw and know that I will choose to throw away the straw and hold onto the hope of that cross.  I will not let fear cause me to be too afraid to let go of what might be by refusing to see what is and just deal with it.  In place of the chaos that was my life, I see an openness to what might be.

Realizing how little control I have I will toss pride on the top of the garbage heap along with old expectations and open my eyes and ears to what should be and learn with God's grace, to be grateful.

Today, I feel blessed to have an empty clean attic.  I am thankful for the courage to let go....to so much.  I pray for my son and yours to learn the lessons that God has in store for him/her today and I say a prayer for Henry.

My New Normal

I met with some friends over the weekend, from high school.  We are planning our 30th high school reunion.  What is it about 30 yrs that seems so old?  They began asking me how my kids are and what they are up to and what I've been up to.......I never know how much to say or where to go with that question.

Today I went to the pool.  I was enjoying the sunshine reading Melody Beattie's newest book, Playing it by Heart.   When I got in the pool to cool off, I ran into a mom that I hadn't seen since my son was in about the fourth or fifth grade.  Her youngest son was in his class.  She too, asked about my kids.  I learned that her youngest just graduated college and is about to start his masters degree. 

She asked what I was up to and I said, "just reading and enjoying the sunshine."  She asked what I was reading and I said , "oh, Melody Beattie's newest book."  She said she didn't know who she was but her friend did.  I finally said, " she writes about addiction and codependency."  This is where there is the awkward silence until she masterfully changes topics. 

I used to have such a heavy heart when these situations arose.  Now, I really don't but I do hate it when others feel awkward and I don't know how much to really get into.  It's just hard to know how to proceed. 

Just how much to do you tell?  How far do you go?  I know it depends on the situation but sometimes, like at the pool, I get into it without meaning to.  This life is my new normal.  But, for others it is not. 

I really like the new book, by the way.  I got a call from my son who pleasantly surprised me by telling me that he had met up with a friend from rehab and had gone to an AA meeting.  It was a good day;  a nice surprise.

Today I am thankful for the growth that doesn't have me feeling sorry for myself.  I am grateful for the wisdom of others.  I am thankful for those who care.  I pray for my son and all of your sons and daughters, husbands and wives or friends, that they may realize God's will for them and have the courage to follow their dreams.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

Coexist

Coexist is defined as the the ability to live at the same time and at the same place; to live in peace with others. 

Lately, one of my greatest challanges has been trying to take all of the ideas I've learned and LIVE them.  But, because I tend to be an "all or nothing" kind of girl, I've had a lot of problems balancing this new information.

There are so many good sources of information out there for addicts/alcoholics as well as for the family member.  AA and Al Anon meetings are everywhere. 

Melody Beatty is a great writer on the subject of recovery.  Not only is she a recovering addict, she began counseling those"whiney" family members and in the process began to explain what codependancy looks like in everyday actions.  She began to understand family memebers behaviors while becoming  personally involved in those she counseled.  She became codependent.
She has seen both sides of that coin.  That kind of insight is valuable. 

The twelve step program is  proabably the greatest tool at the addict/alcoholic's disposal.    I began researching the Catholic connection to the twelve step program which  led me to the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius.  Then, I look at the "why" of a person's need to medicate.  And, I find at the heart of it all a need for love and a need to belong. 

This is where my ADD mind is struggling.  How do these ideas coexist in my life?  How do I focus on my own life, remain tough regarding my boundaries and still show love?  It is like I am able to be tough when I need to be tough.  I know how to show love,  when I show love, but how do I show love while being tough? 

This is such a balancing act.  My fear of relapse (disguised most of the time as anger) is always just below the surface  waiting to boil over and erupt in an angry less than loving kind of feeling at most any moment. I know this is where I must detach and find my own happiness, but, hopes get raised and having moments without fear are such a gift that the idea of going back down that ugly place just pisses me off.

So, here I am with swirling disorganized, out of control thoughts jumbling around in my brain.  I feel so out of sorts.  This is where I need to slow down and pray for direction.  Today, a prayer of Thanksgiving(always give thanks first) for all of the tools readily available to us.  Then a prayer for clairty and guidance.  And a prayer for your addict and mine and as always for Henry.