MYOB

I had forty-five days.  Forty-five days where I simply had no control.  He had forty-five days.  Forty five days where he had no control.  We had no power.

For forty-five days, I could admit that I was powerless.  I really haven't had any trouble admitting that my life was unmanageable.  But, admitting powerlessness, that was another thing all together.

But, for those forty-five days, I was actually aware that I was totally under God's care.  I had my ups and my downs.  Sometimes I felt brave only to crash and feel hopeless later.

By the end, I had accepted that I could not make a difference.  Before, I was so adamant about showing unconditional love.  Now, I questioned that love.  Was it really unconditional or an effort to love him out of his addiction (manipulate)?

The best thing that I did, was pay attention.  If I could quit planning long enough to just be present, then I could learn so much more. 

What if I stopped judging everything that he said ...what if I stopped thinking..., 'that sounds irresponsible or it sounds like someone who is not on the right road to recovery...' You know those crazy thoughts--If I could stop long enough to just witness who he is as a child of God, what would I see differently. 

So I became a spectator.  I watched deeply.  I listened intently.  Every time that I tried to get all 'judgy' I asked God to help bring me back.  The more I watched, the more I liked watching.  He is a very smart, fun and loving person to be around.

Once after he came home but before he went back to Sober Living, I was unable to stop myself.  "I'm just so worried because I haven't heard you say that you weren't going to drink again."  I said with tears rolling down my cheek (extra guilt thrown on top ).

"Mom, I feel bad.  I don't want you to cry.  But, I can't say that.  I don't know that I can say it.  So I'm not going to."

Crap.  Double crap.  I blew it again.  "Please Lord help me.  I knew better but I just could not stop myself.  Help me fix it.  Amen."

"I'm sorry."  I repeated. 
"I don't want you to feel bad because of me."  He said.
"I am the one who is sorry.  If it weren't you, it would be something else.  It's what I do."  I said.

 He looked surprised.  I felt better.  It was all true.  It was my stuff.  We are on this parallel journey.  If I can just stay on my path, I think it will all be okay.

These hardships are but lessons on living.  I'm praying for us all.  And, for Henry, of course.
 

Coming Full Circle

I have five brothers and sisters.  And, I have twenty nieces and nephews.  And, fourteen great nieces and nephews.  We are a prolific bunch!  Yesterday I traveled an hour away to see my niece and her newest child, just five days old.  He was so tiny.  This is her fourth child and so I decided to take them dinner instead of a baby gift.  By the time you have four, two boys and two girls, you have it (baby clothes, furniture, tools)  all.  But, you don't have time. 

This niece is my oldest brother's daughter.  While growing up, he was my favorite.  He is seventeen years older than me and he took me everywhere.  He tried ( and failed) to get me into sports.  He read to me, turning me  into a voracious reader.  We lived in a tiny town in Kentucky.  There were no book stores for miles around.  But, we had a library and we lived in the country so  the bookmobile came around every two weeks.  My brother worked on the railroad so when he went to a town where there was a bookstore, he always brought me back books. 

He got married when I was in my early teens and when he and his wife had a baby, I loved hanging out at their house.  It went well for a while but then my sister-in-law's drinking became a wedge between her and every single area of her life.  It was ugly.  We became distant.  Everyone just wanted to steer clear of the insanity that is alcoholism.  I grew up, got married and moved away.  Then my own cloud of addiction entered the picture.  They say that if you don't deal with things in your life, God will continue to give you opportunities to learn from them and so I guess he did.

Yesterday was the first time that I've really talked to my niece.  Oh we've chatted, but yesterday we talked about what was/is real.  And it was such a blessing.  This little girl that I knew is now a grown woman carrying scars from addiction but surviving it.  She is a loving mother, good wife and so diligent in providing for her children, what she did not have.  I am so impressed.  But, I want her to learn to take care of herself and to model that for her children. 

I want to get to know her again.  I want to get to know the others.  Addiction is the big elephant in the family room of my big extended family.  If we all gathered at the same time, we could form our own Al Anon group and probably an AA group as well.  I just think it's time we started to talk to each other. 

In other news, it is the second day of lent and the time changes this weekend.  I can't believe it's spring forward time again.  It's been so  cold that it doesn't seem like it can be that time, already.  Weight Watchers was cancelled due to weather which bummed me out because tracking both food and weight really help me. 

Big Sister got an invitation to interview for a position in a PhD program in Louisiana.  We are going down next weekend for a tour and a day of events followed by her interview.  I think she was shocked by the invitation.  She only expected to be accepted into masters programs. 

The Son is working for his Dad until he gets a new job.  I have a lot of concerns about that.  I really want to be careful that we aren't enabling.  We did need an employee and he had just quit a job but it can be a slippery slope.  Praying you guys.

 

Gifts of Addiction

I've been asked to chair the next Al Anon meeting.  That means you lead the meeting and choose a topic for discussion.  Sometimes I need to deal with something in particular such as fear.  But other times I thumb through the index and I wait to see what topic jumps out at me.  This week I didn't really have a pressing need to focus on a particular topic so I started to thumb through the index. 

There were several topics that jumped out at me.  I wrote each of the topics down on a piece of paper.  I thought that maybe I'd take some time to see if one topic spoke to me more than the others.  I believe that Al Anon works that way.  God will choose and I will deliver the topic.  I finally looked at my list and instead of looking at each individual item, I looked at the collection as a whole and realized that they were all gifts of addiction.  You might think that they are gifts of a twelve step program or gifts from my faith or gifts from counseling, but really if it hadn't been for the disease of addiction, I would not have sought the changes learned from each of those avenues. 

Addiction has changed me.  Addiction has made me humble, loving, mindful, accepting,  aware, present and grateful.  Addiction has taught me not to be afraid, judgmental, mind other people's business or expect. 

I'm so grateful that I am in process.  I don't think it ever would have happened without addiction.  Maybe it would have, but addiction did happen and I am changing as a result.  Make no mistake, I would never wish this disease on my son.  But, it did happen and I will be grateful for the gifts that were given in the midst of the heartbreak.  I was wondering if any of you all felt the same way.  If so, what one thing really changed about you?

On another note, I have lost 9.6 lbs....as of last Monday.  I will weigh in tomorrow afternoon at 4pm and I feel as though I've lost another 1-2 lbs.  I'll let you know later.  It is a slow process but I am thankful that I am facing a lifelong struggle. 

My niece just had her fourth child!  Her mom was an alcoholic.  I used to say that she was an alcoholic and my brother's drug of choice was her......I didn't know the term co dependent but I knew what it was....even then.  I'm going to go see her and take her dinner and a ODAT or Courage to Change.  I've never asked her as an adult how she dealt with it.  I guess we didn't talk about it much.  I think it's time I asked.  I'm praying for all of you.

Three Steps in Three Years

A couple of days ago, the Dad and I received a call from the Son's work.  It was 6pm and the Son was supposed to be at work at 4pm.  He was a no show and they were worried about him.  He had been late for the last two days.  This is the kind of call we all worry about receiving. 

The Dad called one of his friends to see if he knew how to get in touch with him (his phone had run out of minutes).  He hadn't heard from him.  So the Dad decided to drive to the city to try to roust him in his apartment.  Of course our first thought, as many of you can easily guess was, "will we find him alive?"

I didn't go with the Dad.  I calmly said that I just didn't think I could go not knowing what we'd find.  He agreed.  He thought that I should stay home.  Five minutes later the Dad came through the door and said, "he's alive."  His friend managed to find him and he called....... drunk, but he called.

The snowball is starting to roll downhill fast.  And yet, it is sadness that I feel, instead of panic.  All day yesterday I started thinking about the way that I was feeling.  I started to wonder if my heart had grown hard.  The feelings are so different than they were before.  Yes, I am worried.  I know where this is headed.  I know that things will get radically worse before than have any chance of getting better.  But, still I'm not a nervous wreck.  I'm not pasting on a fake smile.  I am a little sad.  I am tired from the ups and downs of this disease.  But anxiety has mostly left the building.

Last night I was to choose the topic for our Al Anon meeting.  I wanted to talk about this most recent experience and so I was trying to get to the root of what had changed.  What had happened to make this frightening experience bearable?  And then I realized that for the first time, I had actually 'made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.'

Finally, I knew that this madness was out of my control.  Finally, I accepted that God was the only thing that could restore my sanity and finally I decided to allow God to handle this because He knows far better than me.  And, there is peace in this madness.  The anxiety is gone. 

I've been in Al Anon for three years.  There have been a number of times where I've thought that I "had" the first three steps.  But, really it took three years to really get it.  I realize that if I am not careful, I can go right back to insanity.  But for today I am grateful for a loving God who is at the helm.  I am grateful for rest while in His care.  I am grateful for my Al Anon family group. 

Praying always for you and your loved ones.

 

Interior Change

There has been a change.  The inner change allows outward manifestations to  sneak out bit by bit defining a new person or perhaps illustrating  the real person minus the drugs or the anxieties of the past.  I do not know why it is happening or when exactly it started to happen but I am so thankful.

I've been reading some really good books regarding love.  Real love.  How we show love....how we perceive love and my only explanation for this change is prayer and a new understanding of how to love.

Prayer in and of itself is love.  It is a love of God and getting to know Him more deeply.  Prayer is love.  Not just of what we want but trusting God to know and give us what we need.  So I don't question, I just accept with grateful heart.

Love is the subject of many books, many songs and movies.  It is the theme of what we all live for and crave.  Hollywood has distorted our image of love in such a way that most of us don't know the first thing about it anymore. 

Today, I am so thankful for God's holy grace.  I am not worthy.  I am thankful.  I pray for each of you to learn as I am learning God's gift of love.  I pray for our addicted loved ones and I say a prayer for Henry. 

Today's Parable

I

Ever mindful of my life and the lessons before me, I pray that I don't miss the opportunity to learn in the way that Jesus taught us....through the parables in our everyday lives which serve to teach and remind us of who and what we are and what we are called to do.

I sat a lone in my hot attic on this 92 degree day with sweat pouring down the center of my back.  Nineteen years of memories are held here.  I am emptying it in a leap of faith that if I begin the process of moving, the buyers will come.

As I empty the contents, I am thinking of how overwhelming this task will be.  I come up with the plan to :

1.  Get rid of the garbage
2.  Sell that which could be of use to others
3.  Keep what is still of use or a memento

I sit here in the floor looking at the girls American Girl dolls, favorite DVDs, books but not my sons camera, X-Box, computer or guitar because they were sold for drugs.  Downstairs (in the garage below) I hear my daughter sorting the garage sale items, jamming to one of my I tunes;  a favorite from when I was just a young girl...

"Got on board a westbound 747
Didn't think before deciding what to do
Ooh, that talk of opportunities
TV breaks and movies
Rang true
Sure rang true

Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But girl don't they warn ya
It pours, man it pours

Out of work, I'm out of my head
Out of self respect, I'm out of bread
I'm underloved, I'm underfed, I wanna go home
It never rains in California
But girl don't they warn ya
It pours, man it pours"

And then I see this cross pendant laying on the floor right next to what looks like a "straw" used for snorting drugs...

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it
Had offers but didn't know which one to take
Please don't tell 'em how you found me
Don't tell 'em how you found me
Gimme a break, give me a break

Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But girl don't they warn ya
It pours, man it pours"

I think to myself, I could take every last item to the dumpster and never look back.  I think I will mourn, again and again.  Until I can relax and surrender what is not to be, what never was, what the road ahead will not include. 

But, today I will throw away the trash both in this attic and in my life.  I will not hold onto what only gathers dust and begins to decay.  I will only take with me, what is of use.

When I look back on the empty space left behind, I will see that cross and that straw and know that I will choose to throw away the straw and hold onto the hope of that cross.  I will not let fear cause me to be too afraid to let go of what might be by refusing to see what is and just deal with it.  In place of the chaos that was my life, I see an openness to what might be.

Realizing how little control I have I will toss pride on the top of the garbage heap along with old expectations and open my eyes and ears to what should be and learn with God's grace, to be grateful.

Today, I feel blessed to have an empty clean attic.  I am thankful for the courage to let go....to so much.  I pray for my son and yours to learn the lessons that God has in store for him/her today and I say a prayer for Henry.

Romans 8:28

As this year comes to a close, it is  interesting to look back at the year and look at where we've been, appreciate any good changes, and look forward in the hopes of making other changes.  There is nothing like a life changing event to really shake you out of complacency. 

Last January, I would never have imagined that we would be where we are today.  Oddly enough, my son's addiction has been a gift to our family in many ways.  I would never have imagined how this could be until I went through this.  When a child, even an adult one, faces such a life threatening crisis, you will either roll over in the fetal position and give up or you will throw caution to the wind and fight like never before.  I must admit that I did find myself in the fetal position from time to time, but, only long enough to gather myself, pray for strength and direction, get mad and get up swinging. 

This year has taught me so much.  I have truly understood for the first time ever that I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, in control.  I have learned to trust God and to stop fighting for control.  I have learned that I will not survive peacefully, unless I have surrendered my all to Christ.  I now know that even the most trivial (in my mind) of sins, separates me from God.  I know that miracles happen, big and small, when I follow God's will. 

This year I joined Al anon.  It is one of my life's greatest blessings.  Al Anon teaches me to take care of myself.  It teaches me to stop taking God's teachable moments away from my son.  It has taught me to allow God to restore sanity to my life.  It has taught me to mind my own business.  It has introduced me to such amazing people.  It has given me a wonderful safety net of people who know all about what I'm going through. 

This disease has brought me closer to friends and family.  It has shown me how loved and blessed that I really am.  It has made me more mindful of how important it is to constantly pray for my loved ones.  Since I'm not so busy trying to fix my son, I've started to dream again.  I've started to pursue some of my interests again.  I am excited for the first time in a long time. 

My husband and I are truly a team.  This disease has brought us so much closer.  He is learning through Alanon in a men's meeting.  We are learning to really follow God's will in every aspect of our family, business, and home life.  We are finally growing.  No more stuck in neutral or even going in reverse. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not happy that my son suffers from the effects of addiction.  I wish that he had never tried the first thing.  But, he did.  It is what it is.  It is the past.  Today, I am thankful that I was finally able to take a life experience that God gave me and actually learn something.  This time, after a few "poor me's", I stopped and asked "ok, what do I do?''  "Show me the way, Lord."  And guess what, he answered.  He didn't leave detailed instructions.  No, it was more like, trust me with him first....then I received peace.  Then it was a gift of sharing this story with all of you...then I had a desire to pursue writing and I received such closeness from you all and the gifts of your prayers.  Then my husband and I stripped away all of the useless unimportant aspects of our lives, tossed them in the can and are starting fresh.....that is so hopeful. 

I look back at 2010, and feel blessed.  I really do.  I feel excited.  I feel like shouting....Look what God CAN do!!  On July 25, 2010, I could never have imagined that this is how I'd feel, but I do.  On that date, I learned a truth that had been haunting my son for some time.  It is always best to get truth out in the open and deal with it.  I began by feeling paralyzed with fear and now feel comfort and joy.  Thanks be to God.  I look so forward to what's to come.  I can hardly wait to see what God will do this year.  My faith has grown....maybe not enough but it is growing.  Life is good. 

My son has a job.  He is excited.  He is making it on his own.  I'm not doing anything to support him except remind him that I love him and know that he can do it.  His confidence is growing.  My confidence in him is growing...little by little.  I think 2011 is gonna be amazing.  But, 2010 was pretty good too. 

Today my prayers are of Thanksgiving for my family, friends who are my family too, my son's sobriety, my husband's will to do what's right, my girls strength, my Al anon family, and for all of the gifts of health for my family members.  I don't really need black eyed peas or tamales for good luck this year (but I want them...).  I will continue praying for each of you in the new year and as always for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.