Coming Full Circle

I have five brothers and sisters.  And, I have twenty nieces and nephews.  And, fourteen great nieces and nephews.  We are a prolific bunch!  Yesterday I traveled an hour away to see my niece and her newest child, just five days old.  He was so tiny.  This is her fourth child and so I decided to take them dinner instead of a baby gift.  By the time you have four, two boys and two girls, you have it (baby clothes, furniture, tools)  all.  But, you don't have time. 

This niece is my oldest brother's daughter.  While growing up, he was my favorite.  He is seventeen years older than me and he took me everywhere.  He tried ( and failed) to get me into sports.  He read to me, turning me  into a voracious reader.  We lived in a tiny town in Kentucky.  There were no book stores for miles around.  But, we had a library and we lived in the country so  the bookmobile came around every two weeks.  My brother worked on the railroad so when he went to a town where there was a bookstore, he always brought me back books. 

He got married when I was in my early teens and when he and his wife had a baby, I loved hanging out at their house.  It went well for a while but then my sister-in-law's drinking became a wedge between her and every single area of her life.  It was ugly.  We became distant.  Everyone just wanted to steer clear of the insanity that is alcoholism.  I grew up, got married and moved away.  Then my own cloud of addiction entered the picture.  They say that if you don't deal with things in your life, God will continue to give you opportunities to learn from them and so I guess he did.

Yesterday was the first time that I've really talked to my niece.  Oh we've chatted, but yesterday we talked about what was/is real.  And it was such a blessing.  This little girl that I knew is now a grown woman carrying scars from addiction but surviving it.  She is a loving mother, good wife and so diligent in providing for her children, what she did not have.  I am so impressed.  But, I want her to learn to take care of herself and to model that for her children. 

I want to get to know her again.  I want to get to know the others.  Addiction is the big elephant in the family room of my big extended family.  If we all gathered at the same time, we could form our own Al Anon group and probably an AA group as well.  I just think it's time we started to talk to each other. 

In other news, it is the second day of lent and the time changes this weekend.  I can't believe it's spring forward time again.  It's been so  cold that it doesn't seem like it can be that time, already.  Weight Watchers was cancelled due to weather which bummed me out because tracking both food and weight really help me. 

Big Sister got an invitation to interview for a position in a PhD program in Louisiana.  We are going down next weekend for a tour and a day of events followed by her interview.  I think she was shocked by the invitation.  She only expected to be accepted into masters programs. 

The Son is working for his Dad until he gets a new job.  I have a lot of concerns about that.  I really want to be careful that we aren't enabling.  We did need an employee and he had just quit a job but it can be a slippery slope.  Praying you guys.

 

Perpetual Worry

My mama sent two boys to Vietnam.  I 've always had a hard time imagining how terrifying that must have been.  One brother was in the Army.  He had a one year tour.  He came home skinny but okay.  The other brother was a Marine.  He was shot by sniper fire in the knee because he was carrying the radio.  He came home within a couple of months of leaving but the scars extended beyond his leg wound.

I have always heard one story in particular that is fascinating to me.  I was only four at the time and because I don't have a memory of it, I rely on the memories of others.  My mother saw an official car drive down the driveway.  She mistakenly thought that if  an official came to your door, there was a death.  She must have gone into a blind panic because as these men got out of the car, she took off her shoes and started throwing them at them and yelled at them to get off of her property. 

Last week the third young man that I knew, in six months, was buried due to overdose.  This young man went to the same high school with the Son.  He was at the same rehab with the Son when he went the first time.  He also attended the second program that the Son attended and they spoke by phone to each other often.  All of those facts caused me to feel that "take off my shoes and throw them" type of reaction.

I guess things never change.  Maybe the impetus of worry is different.  But worry and suffering remain.  It is out of my control.  Those first three of the twelve steps are really the hardest to swallow.  They have layers and layers for me to understand. 

The Son struggles.  And, I struggle to accept.  But, today I do.  I guess that is all that I can ask for.  I am praying for an increase in faith, for your Henry and mine.

 

Mary, the first Steel Magnolia

I've often talked about how we enable the addict.  I had done just that in many many ways.  I had protected him by hiding something from my family because I wanted to eliminate another bomb being dropped.  I felt like I had hit my stress quota.  It was dishonest and I lacked faith and for those things, I am truly sorry.  The problem is that the bomb tends to grow with time, as does my fear of exposing it. 

The truth came to light and the bomb exploded, imploded and threw shrapnel.  My intent was to protect but it just never really works out. 

Now I felt injured.  I felt misunderstood.  I felt like what was already broken was just continuing to break.  I started to fear.  I started to imagine all sorts of bad endings.  I started to panic.  Feeling totally alone, I called my best friend.  She listened and said in a very determined voice, " You get up right now and go to the adoration chapel."  She went on giving me a laundry list of prayers that I was to say.  "You need a mother right now;  pray the rosary;  Mary will help you through this time."   She didn't say, "Aww bless your heart."  no, she gave my frozen self that smack in the face that brings you back to reality.

In a childlike stupor, I did just what I was told.  I got in the car and drove 15 minutes to the adoration chapel.  Once inside, I begin by praying, "I don't know what to do."   Psalms 46:1 says, " God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble."  He, the real presence, was there.  I saw him, felt him. and heard him.  I began to calm down.  I began to hear his fatherly advice.  No, I didn't hear a voice.  I began to get thoughts that were real ways of positively moving on. 

A wise saying is that you should talk 10% of the time and listen 90% of the time.  I think this is the beauty of the adoration chapel.   I was forced to listen.  I arrived in this place a humiliated soul.   I was at the bottom.  Any pride that I might have felt before was gone.

The idea that humility is a bad trait is such a misunderstanding.   I have heard some define humility as the state of being teachable.  C.S. Lewis said that "humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less."
I spent two hours in this holy place.  I read about humility.  I prayed.  I listened.  I began to see a pattern of the strong women in my life.    My best friend did not have the world's reaction of giving advice on how to proceed.   No, she sent me to Mary and Jesus.

 My friend has eight children.  They are of various races, from different places, with different capabilities and she is this tiny person who makes it all work.  I have seen her go for an entire year praying for a child that God had set aside just for her and then travel to Ethiopia to bring her home.  Language, learning and culture barriers have not been able to keep the love away that she brings to this child.   She makes it work with God's beautiful grace.  She is such a role model.  She even has time to parent her aging friend. 

Then I thought of my favorite cousin.  She has three children.  Two of her children battle a chronic disease.  She has a full time job of tending to daily treatments and medicines which are necessary to keep them healthy.  She is the most humble person that I know. 

The other day she told me the most interesting story.  She was part of a chat for parents of children who have the disease her children have.  Another family had requested prayers and if anyone could,  some financial assistance.  This disease makes it so hard for both parents to work.  Another person in the chat started complaining about her request.  My cousin had the right perspective.  She said that the way she felt about it, that even one more prayer obtained for her children was a blessing.  She felt that there shouldn't be any other judgements.  Do what you can or what you like. 

What struck me about this story was the value that she placed on prayer.  That was such an extraordinary display of faith.  I was so impressed.  She is also a tiny little gal that no one should ever underestimate.  She quietly, strongly gets things done in the midst of fear and worry. 

Then there is Mary, our role model.  She said "Fiat."  She gave birth in less than ideal circumstances, knowing that she would give her child up.  Then, she stood at the foot of that cross and watched what no parent would ever wish to see.  At her son's direction, she still mothers us today.  She prays for us when we ask.  She prays for our children. 

Robert Ludlum, author of "The Road to Gandolfo", said "There was a will of steel beneath the soft magnolia exterior.  This describes the role models that God has placed along my path; steel magnolias.  I am so blessed. 

If we remember in times of adversity, to go to our Lord, we will get the right advice.  But, there's a bonus.....there's peace and direction.  Today my prayer is for anyone who suffers to always retreat in prayer.  I am thankful for my wonderful role models.  I pray for those suffering from addiction and as always, a prayer for Henry.