"Keep your eyes fixed on where you're going."  Shouted Mr. Gray, an old cowboy who was trying to teach me to ride my horse, Bo. 

He would say this over and over again because, I was easily distracted.  "If  you keep your eyes fixed on your destination, he will head in that direction."  He said.

But, how will he know where my eyes are fixed, I wondered.  Mr. Gray continued as if knowing my question, " He can feel a fly on his back.  He will feel the slightest shift in your weight as you look around."

I began to learn that he was right.  If  I looked down at my feet, or looked at something to my left or right, he became distracted.

Today, Lucy, my little long haired dachshund, and I were out for our morning walk.  She was wandering more than usual, and I was wondering why she seemed so distracted.  Just as I began to think about why, the memory of those riding lessons came to mind.  So, I fixed my gaze on the path that I intended to walk, and like magic, Lucy straightened her path.

St. Francis of Assisi is attributed to the quote,

 "Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary, use words."

I began to understand how to preach the gospel, without opening my mouth through my twelve-step program.  I had to mind my own business--clean my own house, first.  I cannot force anyone to follow my lead.  But if  I examine my motives carefully and am purposefully seeking to follow the will of God, by attraction, others may follow.

 If I have my gaze fixed on the will of my 'power which is greater than myself--God', then my weight will stop shifting in all sorts of conflicting directions.  It will be clear that there is confidence in where I am going.

We went to a family funeral last weekend.  It was a hotbed of distraction.  There have been disagreements.  There is division to the point of some family members refusing to speak to others even in a place where a family should come together. 

It was so stressful that when I got home, I got physically sick.  Those family systems can be toxic.  It gets confusing.  How do you honor your parents if they try to force you to go against all that you believe in?

It is no wonder why we self medicate. 

I was so grateful to come home.  It is where I can slow it all down.  I can call on the Serenity Prayer and work on discernment.  Then, I try to do what I need to do to take care of myself...Today.  That is all that I need to figure out.

Prayer and meditation are wonderful gifts.  I can pray for guidance and through meditation, I listen.  God's grace floods my mind with all sorts of ideas and thoughts to help me understand; thoughts to remind me to stop looking around. 

"Fix your eyes" I can almost hear Him say.  And so today, that is where I will place my focus. 

Addiction gave me these tools.  I would not have them if it had not been for the difficult journey of addiction.  Out of difficulty, there is blessing.  Always.

I'm praying for 'the Henry's' in my life and yours.

Sunny and Seventy-five.....

Today is a gorgeous day.  It is sunny and 75 as the country music song goes.  I would love to enjoy this day but instead, I got called in to cover the Dad's office.  If I seem a bit pout-y about this, it is because I am. 

I think that all of the cold, wind, snow and dreary skies have caused my body to organically blanket itself in fat for added warmth.  As I begin to shed thick layers of clothing and try to squeeze my body into some of my warmer weather clothing, I find myself mildly panicking.  You see, I will see my endocrinologist tomorrow.  It will not be pretty.

I'm not giving up without a fight though, in a desperate attempt at quickly shedding say ten pounds overnight, the Dad took me to Wal-Mart where we bought bikes.  They are complete with bigger seats and baskets.  My first ride caused me to collapse on the sofa for a two hour nap.

We have not heard from the Son in a week.  That is always worrisome.  The Dad and I have taken a vow to detach from his situation.  With a bit of Lenten encouragement, we are trying to walk this Paschal Path while praying for the faith to trust that God does in fact love him more than we do.

Our girls don't really ask about him.  They know that I freely share the good news.  They are weary of the bad so we just 'don't ask-don't tell' as they say.  Even friends rarely ask.  It is probably safer that way.  But, sometimes it is a lonely feeling. 

I am sneaking in bits and pieces of time to work on my book.  My book and I have a love/hate relationship.  I need to write it but it is painful and sometimes I dread it all at the same time.  I am drudging forward.  Secretly, I'd love to be able to wait long enough to slap a happy ending onto it.  But, in reality, it is probably best to end it here where we are trying to tread water and grow our faith.

It is in this place that we are just a bit closer to our Lord.  This is where we learn the most.  And this is where I am most afraid.  Today I pray for each of you and your loved ones as I pray for Henry.
 

Coming Full Circle

I have five brothers and sisters.  And, I have twenty nieces and nephews.  And, fourteen great nieces and nephews.  We are a prolific bunch!  Yesterday I traveled an hour away to see my niece and her newest child, just five days old.  He was so tiny.  This is her fourth child and so I decided to take them dinner instead of a baby gift.  By the time you have four, two boys and two girls, you have it (baby clothes, furniture, tools)  all.  But, you don't have time. 

This niece is my oldest brother's daughter.  While growing up, he was my favorite.  He is seventeen years older than me and he took me everywhere.  He tried ( and failed) to get me into sports.  He read to me, turning me  into a voracious reader.  We lived in a tiny town in Kentucky.  There were no book stores for miles around.  But, we had a library and we lived in the country so  the bookmobile came around every two weeks.  My brother worked on the railroad so when he went to a town where there was a bookstore, he always brought me back books. 

He got married when I was in my early teens and when he and his wife had a baby, I loved hanging out at their house.  It went well for a while but then my sister-in-law's drinking became a wedge between her and every single area of her life.  It was ugly.  We became distant.  Everyone just wanted to steer clear of the insanity that is alcoholism.  I grew up, got married and moved away.  Then my own cloud of addiction entered the picture.  They say that if you don't deal with things in your life, God will continue to give you opportunities to learn from them and so I guess he did.

Yesterday was the first time that I've really talked to my niece.  Oh we've chatted, but yesterday we talked about what was/is real.  And it was such a blessing.  This little girl that I knew is now a grown woman carrying scars from addiction but surviving it.  She is a loving mother, good wife and so diligent in providing for her children, what she did not have.  I am so impressed.  But, I want her to learn to take care of herself and to model that for her children. 

I want to get to know her again.  I want to get to know the others.  Addiction is the big elephant in the family room of my big extended family.  If we all gathered at the same time, we could form our own Al Anon group and probably an AA group as well.  I just think it's time we started to talk to each other. 

In other news, it is the second day of lent and the time changes this weekend.  I can't believe it's spring forward time again.  It's been so  cold that it doesn't seem like it can be that time, already.  Weight Watchers was cancelled due to weather which bummed me out because tracking both food and weight really help me. 

Big Sister got an invitation to interview for a position in a PhD program in Louisiana.  We are going down next weekend for a tour and a day of events followed by her interview.  I think she was shocked by the invitation.  She only expected to be accepted into masters programs. 

The Son is working for his Dad until he gets a new job.  I have a lot of concerns about that.  I really want to be careful that we aren't enabling.  We did need an employee and he had just quit a job but it can be a slippery slope.  Praying you guys.

 

Gifts of Addiction

I've been asked to chair the next Al Anon meeting.  That means you lead the meeting and choose a topic for discussion.  Sometimes I need to deal with something in particular such as fear.  But other times I thumb through the index and I wait to see what topic jumps out at me.  This week I didn't really have a pressing need to focus on a particular topic so I started to thumb through the index. 

There were several topics that jumped out at me.  I wrote each of the topics down on a piece of paper.  I thought that maybe I'd take some time to see if one topic spoke to me more than the others.  I believe that Al Anon works that way.  God will choose and I will deliver the topic.  I finally looked at my list and instead of looking at each individual item, I looked at the collection as a whole and realized that they were all gifts of addiction.  You might think that they are gifts of a twelve step program or gifts from my faith or gifts from counseling, but really if it hadn't been for the disease of addiction, I would not have sought the changes learned from each of those avenues. 

Addiction has changed me.  Addiction has made me humble, loving, mindful, accepting,  aware, present and grateful.  Addiction has taught me not to be afraid, judgmental, mind other people's business or expect. 

I'm so grateful that I am in process.  I don't think it ever would have happened without addiction.  Maybe it would have, but addiction did happen and I am changing as a result.  Make no mistake, I would never wish this disease on my son.  But, it did happen and I will be grateful for the gifts that were given in the midst of the heartbreak.  I was wondering if any of you all felt the same way.  If so, what one thing really changed about you?

On another note, I have lost 9.6 lbs....as of last Monday.  I will weigh in tomorrow afternoon at 4pm and I feel as though I've lost another 1-2 lbs.  I'll let you know later.  It is a slow process but I am thankful that I am facing a lifelong struggle. 

My niece just had her fourth child!  Her mom was an alcoholic.  I used to say that she was an alcoholic and my brother's drug of choice was her......I didn't know the term co dependent but I knew what it was....even then.  I'm going to go see her and take her dinner and a ODAT or Courage to Change.  I've never asked her as an adult how she dealt with it.  I guess we didn't talk about it much.  I think it's time I asked.  I'm praying for all of you.

Looking Back on the Past

I just printed off all of the blog posts that I have written since the beginning.  Two hundred forty-four, single spaced pages.  Sometimes I don't like going back to read because it's so hard.  Sometimes I do because I am able to see some progress.  I'm going to go have it collated.  Here is the proof....proof of a long fought battle for quiet acceptance, proof that our awareness was awakened and continues to grow, proof that in a empty space that mainly housed only me and my fears, now resides a  space full of love of God and his will, with me close by allowing him to show me the way to myself. I wonder if any of you guys have ever done the same? 

A new session has begun at the jail.  I met the ladies for the first time on Thursday.  I am only offering a creative writing workshop this time.  I am relieved that I am not facilitating a class that I do not feel qualified to teach.  I guess some could argue that I am not qualified to lead a writing workshop but my goal is mainly encouraging them to look in and question and effectively communicate with themselves and others. 

I watched a great segment on writing obituaries on Saturday.  I must admit that I love reading them.  There has to be some really great stories tucked in those interesting snapshots of a life.  I learned that in Great Britain, their obituaries aren't always flattering.  I've included one of my favorites to give you a "happy" for today. 

Yesterday I got to spend the entire day alone.  To many, that may sound lonely but to me, it is a necessary part of my sanity.  I need quiet to allow myself to look in and be present with my feelings.  Then, I am able to understand them, deal with them and let them go.  I'll probably turn into the odd little blue haired lady who kids are afraid of before it's over.  Oh well.

I'm beginning to day dream about warm coastal breezes.  I fantasize about winning the lottery and packing only an overnight bag and checking flights not for price but warmth, buying a one way flight and staying as long as I feel like it, shopping for the proper clothes when I get there, eating delicious food and taking a huge stake of books.  Can you imagine? 

The son seems to be making progress, lately.  He has a girlfriend who seems very nice.  He is paying bills on his own.  He is visiting family, hanging out with us, talking on the phone with friends while staying in the same room where we are ( I know that a lot of you get how big that is), trying to quit smoking and making future plans. 

Big Sister is working as a vet assistant until the fall when graduate school begins.  She is paying her own way which was a little shocking to her at first but I'm really proud of the job she is doing.  She is even replacing the tires on her car this week.  That is a big financial burden off our plate.  I'm really proud of her.

Little Sister is quite excited about nursing school.  I purchased hot dogs at the grocery store so that she could practice IP shots!!  It's so funny to look at these kids that I remember so vividly as the little characters now enter adulthood taking on grown up responsibilities.  It's been great finally letting them go.  They are so much more than I could ever force them to be.......

This reason we are all here is the darndest thing, isn't it?  It almost broke us and yet, it has changed things in the most wonderful ways.  I guess that is what I will look for when I read about the past. 

Praying for Henry, my family and yours. 





 

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth is, Sister....

I've read a lot about things that help an addict to heal some of the issues which might fuel their addiction (yes I know there is no cure.....my idea was that this falls under the ".....change the things that you can...." idea...no scolding comments, please).  I've read about attachment and shame.  I work (note present tense) the twelve steps continuously, initially of course in an effort to fix my addicted loved ones.  I have read about the need to examine the hurts of childhood and to grieve them and release them.  And, for the most part, I have accepted that I can only fix me.  To that end, I go to Al Anon.  I pray and meditate, I volunteer at the local jail.  I try to mind my own business....through gritted teeth and white knuckles.

But, if I have the hope that my addicted loved ones will take the necessary steps to find serenity in their lives then perhaps it is time for me to do the same.  Late last year I decided to try to enter a study at Vanderbilt University for diabetics not using insulin.  It was a very interesting study in many ways.  Regardless of which group ( control or study group) I would have randomly been selected for, I would have had supervision from a registered dietitian for six months.  Also during that time, I would have four different occasions where they would give me a stimulant and put me in an MRI and PET scan to flash food pictures at me while they watched my brain activity.  How cool is that? 

I had hoped that this focus on healthy eating would help me get my eating ( my addiction) on a path that would lead to a healthy weight, thus a healthier me.  I was DENIED.  I had been feeling really bad and a little hopeless that this problem would ever change.  The fact is diabetes and weight get harder and harder to manage as time goes by.  I was very down. 

You see I am larger than I have ever been.  My family has begged me to get healthy since the kids were little.  They watched both grandmothers go through the awful process of dialysis as their kidneys failed as a result of diabetes and high blood pressure.  And, in May, I turn the big 5-0!!!  I am on medicine for the diabetes, high blood pressure and my heart.  My eyesight is bad and it is harder and harder for them to prescribe the right glasses when my blood sugar runs high.  I was denied participation in the study because of my heart issues (arrhythmia).

My weight has always been a great source of shame for me.  I have never told my husband a number.  That number stifles me.  It means that I am less than.  It means that I am a loser.  It means that I am lazy and undisciplined.  Does all of that self talk remind you of anything?  Well, it did me and so I thought that if I expected my addicted loved ones to deal with it...already, then maybe I should put my money where my mouth is.

On January 1, 2014, I weighed ten pounds more than I did at nine months pregnant with my son.  There it is.  It's not a number yet, but I'm working up the courage for that.  I started trying to eliminate sweets from my diet.  I started to feel a little lighter but I never weighed.  The last week of January, I joined Weight Watchers.  I had done it before and it worked.  But, until now I knew that I wasn't ready.  I don't know what changed other than the fact that I finally associated step one with my weight and began praying about it, because I did not/do not know how to live day in and day out without eating the southern food that I grew up learning to prepare which always, always ends with dessert. 

After week one, I lost four pounds.  I was very excited and hopeful.  Some days were hard.  Some days I didn't totally comply.  But, this time, it was different because when I slipped, I got back up again.  Week two I started and I continued slipping day after day.  I felt pretty bad about the week as a whole.  I had tried as we often do, to make it work the way I wanted it to, plus Super Bowl Sunday was bad no matter how healthy I tried to make it.  I wanted to skip my weigh in.  I did not want to go and face those ladies.  But this time I realized that what I dreaded so intensely is exactly what alcoholics and addicts faced all of the time.  So I went and I weighed in and I gained .8 pound.  And, when I came home, I told my family directly instead of hiding in shame and guilt.

I'm going back too.  I'm trying again, today.  That's what I expect of them.  This morning when I stepped on the scales, I realized that since January 1, I am at my nine month pregnancy weight with my son again.  I'm not the largest anymore.  I'm not as ashamed telling anymore.  People understand.  They relate.  How foolish we can all be my friends.  Welcome to my journey.  You are a safe group to be vulnerable with.

I am happy to report that my little friend from Homeward Bound went to court, paid her fine and has that behind her.  And, when she asked me how she could get a job when she couldn't drive to work, I told her to ask around in her meetings.  I told her that many, many people start out without cars and rely on those who have started out just like she is.  The pre Al Anon me would have looked up job listings, worked out a schedule to pick her up and made my life a living resentful nightmare. 

Happy and Praying....for all of you and your loved ones.





 

May Be Good, May Be Bad....

There is this Chinese Proverb that I've heard many times.  The first time that I heard it was in a family intensive out patient session.  The story is an important one for families of addicts and alcoholics to understand and more importantly, to accept.  I find myself stressing less and instead looking to each thing that happens with curiosity.  "I wonder what I am to learn from that?"

The Son lost another person he knew from his first rehab.  It was the second person to die in three weeks.  The Dad has a coffee drinking buddy who lost his son to cirrhosis of the liver this week.  We went to the visitation last night and as this older Dad sat and received each of us his soft touch extended beyond taking our hands as he tried to encourage us that our son still had such great hope. 

I misplaced a couple of things of value right after the Son's last visit.  My mind instantly went "there".  I tore apart my closet and other places trying to find the items that I had misplaced.  I was sick.  Even though I knew in my heart that our last visit was the most real of any visit we'd had in a long time, I knew that I had to acknowledge that items were missing and he had been here at the same time. 

So, I accused him and he denied.  I told him that I didn't believe him.  He told me to keep looking for them.  Nothing new.  I was so conflicted, this time.  Our visit seemed so genuine.  And then, I found one item and then the next.  Did I blow it?  Will he open up to me again after what I did?  What am I to learn from all of this? 

Have I mentioned how much I hate this disease?  I'm giving it to God.  I don't know how to restore what I have broken.  I promptly admitted and apologized. But, I hurt his feelings at a time where he was showing vulnerability......exactly what I didn't want to do. 

Time will tell but in the mean time, I praying for Henry and all of you.



 

Discernment

I've traveled to Dallas to a writer's conference.  I am considering writing a book on my journey through my son's addiction.  There are days where I feel like I have to write this story.  Then, there are days that I think, who do you think you are to write this book?  There is the fear factor that is present because I have never published a book before.  There is also the fear of publishing such a personal account of our life.

Last night, I was channel surfing.  The lack of quality on TV is astounding.  Let's just say that when I become intimidated by writing, all I have to do is look at Toddler's in Tiaras or Honey Boo Boo.....

I've learned a lot here.  I've learned that I will really need to get organized, which does not come naturally to me.  And, I will need to get clear about the message that I want to convey.  But, most importantly, I only need to write if this is God's will.  So, I will proceed with prayer before I take any further action.

The most important thing is my son's sobriety.  What I have learned in this journey, is first and foremost for that purpose.  So I will pray for wisdom.  I pray for all of our loved ones who have felt the ravages of the disease of addiction.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Trust More

John Kavanaugh, philosophy professor at SLU and Jesuit priest, once asked Mother Teresa to pray for him to have clarity during his formation process.  She said, "I've never had clarity and certitude.  I only have trust.  I'll pray that you trust."

What a spunky gal she was....just getting to the meat of the problem.  I've been in a real funk...wanting to know what I was supposed to do with myself.  So, I bought this book , "God's Voice Within".  And, I'm learning (again) that I need to use today as a day of service. 

Enough Said.

Today I am thankful for the gift of books to help continue to guide me.  I am thankful for sobriety for those who have it and pray for it for those who still strive for it and I say a prayer for Henry.

Finding Me Day 2

"Poverty doesn't only consist of being hungry for bread, but rather it is a tremendous hunger for human dignity."



I've done a little research on self discovery.  It seems rather odd that I'd need to research who I am but that just about sums up how my life works.  I tease my friend about what a paradox she is and I find that I too may be living in the same conflicting world.

Anyway, in my research, I am told to use my senses to find what brings me joy.  That is easy for sights, smells and tastes, but touch can involve more than the physical touch and hearing can be layered with more than just the words spoken. 

 I tried to remember the times where I felt like I was doing something needed.  In being needed, not used, I feel called to help.  It is an urging or longing.  Even though I'm not really qualified in any particular field of service, sometimes I think that we all just need someone to tell us we can do it. 

The picture above is of a pony foal named Sassy at 7 months old.  She had botulism.  Botulism can be contracted from any decaying matter, whether animal or vegetation (like rolled hay bales).  What happens is the virus (remember I am the vet's wife and didn't go to vet school and my memory seems to lapse more and more) causes the animal to be unable to stand or swallow.  The virus itself doesn't kill, it is the inability to eat or drink or pneumonia that usually kills. 

Sassy's owner didn't know if he could afford treatment and so I said to my husband, "Can't we try to save her if he chooses euthanasia?"  Long story short, we treated her and I do mean we because when you pass an NG tube to tube feed, it is good for the pony to be sternal so that the chance of aspiration is less.  So, his assistants and I would roll this pony's dead weight  up to a sitting position while he fed her 4 times a day for almost 3 weeks.

More than that I would visit her and brush her and cheer her on.  And when she was first able to nibble on her own, I would pull grass from outside for her to munch on.  It seemed to perk her up.I knew that if she survived, she'd be a fighter, and she is.  And, she's not afraid of anything!! 

Here is Sassy today.  I've got a "little" trainer for her and she entered her first dressage show as a 3 yr old this spring but she will probably be a little hunter/jumper when she's old enough.  Dr. Maya Angelou once said that what children need is for you to "light up" when they entered a room.  I wish I had heard that and understood the importance of that long ago.  I can't go back, but no matter their ages, I want to physically light up when they enter the room....because they do light me up....they just need to know that they matter, that they can do it.  I guess it doesn't take a degree to do that.  So, on day two, I'm gonna make an effort to show others how much dignity they have by making them feel like they matter.

Today, I am thankful for this one thing.  I pray for all of our children that they may know that no matter what their past, that they are so important.  I pray for continued strength and vision in this journey and I say a prayer for Henry.















































 

Conquer Self

There are so many changes going on that I can't seem to catch my breath.  My youngest is going to graduate high school soon.  My son is anxiously awaiting a new job/apprenticeship with the iron workers union.  My house is for sale.  I've changed jobs.  But, the most profound change is the way that I look at life. 

On Friday the 13th (appropriate right?), I will turn 47 years old.  And, I feel this since of urgency in "getting it all in".  There is so much that I want to do that I don't know where to start.  I feel impatient and want it all now!!  I can't  create any sense of order out of my swirling ideas...

So, I must learn to plan under God's direction.  As I study the Spiritual Exercises, I get little nuggets to guide this phase of limbo that is my life.   I am learning that planning means looking back at mistakes and confessing them and making penance for them.  It means apologizing, if necessary.  This takes away distractions so that I can honestly focus and it helps me to learn to avoid future stumbles of the same sort. 

Next, I must allow for "quiet time" each day with God both in meditation and prayer.  For me, this "talk less/listen more" tactic has been long overdue.  When I listen, a lot of useless "self talk" seems to evaporate and I am supplied with the ideas that really need my attention.

I also must look at the parables and imagine myself there and use my senses while doing this.  This has been so good because it teaches me in a practical sense how Jesus handled situations.  This exercise begins to help you see the parables that are present in your life everyday. 

Conquering self is the goal of the Spiritual Exercises so that you live in accordance to God's will.  I think conquering self is the most efficacious vaccine available to combat drugs/alcohol and a host of other problems we create when we see things as the world does instead of how God does.

My life has been hard this year.  I think I could have easily given up on many occasions.  But, God in his goodness has given me the kick that I needed to get up and fight.    I am so thankful.

Today, I am thankful for the progress made.  I pray for wisdom and guidance for the days ahead.  I pray for my son and your loved one to find the fire inside that God has given them.  I pray for all those who are just beginning the journey into sobriety....may the hold strong and keep fighting.  And I pray for Henry.

I Am Blessed

I went to McDonald's today.  I had been on a four mile walk with the dogs and the park bathrooms were closed for winter maintenance.  I thought I would die before I found a bathroom.  Just as I got to the door to the restaurant, a very large older man held  the door for me.  He asked how I was and I said," fine and you?" through gritted teeth, feeling as though my bladder might burst at any moment.  He stops, looks me directly in the eye and says, "I am blessed."

His matter of fact statement surprised me and snapped me out of my selfish little snit over a bathroom.  I said, "then you are more than fine."  And, so am I.

I wonder why we want more, when we have plenty and we want less and appreciate more when we have less?  It logically seems that it should be the other way around.  But, it takes a stripping down to really discover who we are.  Some might think that a fancy sports car defines their personality.  Some think that power or position define them.  Others might think that their failings define them.  So, with less clutter, it is easier to get to know who God intended you to be. 

This revelation is yet another gift our family has received as the result of our son's addiction.  Steps one through three in AA and Al anon, help us to see that God is in charge.  We are to look for his will in all that we do.  I learned that I had to look inward.  I had to not only take an inventory of the things I'd done wrong, I had to start to figure out what brought me joy.

 When you are a wife and mother and employee, it is easy to learn what your husband, kids and fellow employees want.  Trying to do what needs doing, usually takes precedent over anything you might have wanted to do.  Before long, you forget about having that joy all together.  This not only robs you of the gifts God has given, it robs your family of those gifts.  The meaning of taking care of family is a world view definition more than a spiritual one.  I think it is time to re-examine those ideas.

I have a close family member who has children who suffer from a chronic disease.  She dove into their care as any Mom would.  But, somewhere along the way, she lost herself.  It happens little by little.  I remembered how truly smart she was from our days growing up.  I don't think she did.  I think she was beginning to doubt herself.  Recently, as with many of us in the middle/late part of our lives, she felt the pull for more.  Like employees who have spent their entire adult lives at one position, it is hard to see outside that box.  It's hard to know where to start.

This is where we start paying attention.  What makes you happy?  What makes you excited?  What comes naturally?  What gives you anxiety?  There has to be this time in prayer and attention to "get to know" this adult self. 

The addicts in our lives didn't do this.  They used a substance to alleviate stress.  They were too afraid to look inward to find joy.  Maybe they defined joy as the world would and that was just too empty.  We must all look inward to find what God put us here to accomplish.  Then, we will find joy.

My family member is finding her voice.  It is thrilling to watch.  She seems shocked and amazed at what she is able to accomplish.  I'm not surprised at all.  But it's so fun to watch her find this joy.  I can't wait to see what God helps her to accomplish.  I know it will be great.

Today, my prayers are for all readers to allow God to direct their lives.  I pray for the addict, the addicts family and those who suffer for any reason.  I pray that you find your inner joy.  I pray that you use it to give back.  And, I also send a prayer for Henry.

Snowball.....

Today has been one of those antsy days.   My pre-Al Anon self would have allowed that fear and anxiety to snowball totally out of control.  But today, I look inward.  Why do I feel this way?  What is fueling this fear? 

I look at my life and realize that every little item that contributes to this out of sorts feeling is because of something that I haven't dealt with. When I don't deal with something I dread, I am being slothful.  When I ignore my diabetic diet because I'm upset over what I can't deal with, I am being gluttonous and using food instead of God to help me deal with my problems.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.  My life in the church taught me all about confession but my son's addiction taught me just how practical and necessary it really is.  It helps me to anticipate.  When I don't use the gift of confession as I should, it leads to the place I find myself in today. 

This is my cue to slow down my life.  This is my cue to pray more about my life.  This twinge of fear and anxiety is a little reminder that God is in control.  I need to pray for strength to carry out my tasks and faith to give the rest to God. 

My son's addiction gave me perspective.  I pray that I never lose it.  Today my prayer is for a good examination of conscience, the ability to discern God's will and the faith to carry it out.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry. 

Ebb and Flow.........

Growing up, my visits to the beach were limited to the atlantic and gulf coasts.  There is truly nothing as restorative as a beach vacation.  It is a vacation that stops the hurry and hustle and for me, helps me to feel God.  How can you look at the magnificence of the the ocean and it's tides and not see God?  It was not until my forties that I visited the Pacific beaches of southern California.  It is so very beautiful.  The waves are massive compared to the waves I'd seen before.  The power of it all is breathtaking.

 It was on this beach that I first attempted to surf.  I have always thought of myself as a fairly coordinated gal.  I did gymnastics and cheerleading in high school.  I can water ski and dance.  I can stay on a horse....most of the time.  So, I thought this would be no problem.  There seems to be three separate parts of surfing to master.  First of all you lay on your board and paddle out away from the shore either guiding your board over the waves or diving under them.  This requires a lot of strength.  The second part is the ability to go from laying on the board and jumping to your feet in a crouched position.  The third part is the ability to drive your board in the direction of the wave you wish to ride...or catch the wave.  I'm sorry, I don't really know the surfer lingo.  Anyway, these are three separate skills to master and timing and balance must accompany each of the three.  So, coordinating all of this at one time is quite a feat. 

Jesus taught many lessons in the form of a parable.  A parable usually describes a setting, describes an action and then shows results.  It is much like an analogy.  I often wondered as a child why He taught in this fashion.  I really felt like I needed some straightforward directions with a few pictures....please.  Now, I am beginning to think that He taught in such a way so that we could  pick up the lessons from God through the miracle of His creation.  I think that there are lessons everywhere if your eyes are open. 

I've finally let go.  I find myself paddling out to the unknown.  I've ridden over a few smaller waves.  I am diving under the larger waves.  I don't know if I'll be able to pop up on this board or not.  It takes timing and courage and no second guessing.  I am at the mercy of the power and strength of the sea.  It is a foreign concept to imagine myself putting blinders on and boldly popping up and letting the wave take me where it wants.  There can be no stiffening up or you will surely fall.  You must use the strength of your body to work with and not against the force of the wave.  This is how I see God's will.  I don't know where it will go.  I don't know where it will take me.  I just know that I need to pray and be still and listen.  I know that I need to trust the ride and move myself with the direction that God is sending me.  I know that I can't hesitate or my lack of faith will throw off the timing of that wave. 

The ocean is in a constant state of ebb and flow.  The rise and the fall of sea levels are caused by the combined effects of gravity exerted by the moon and the sun and the rotation of the earth.  God is His grace knows our human weakness and gives us many many waves to catch.  He gives us time to gather our strength.  He allows us to fail so that we hopefully learn what not to do next time.  The biggest and hardest lesson for me is the total trust.  The total let your body move with the current that is God.  I don't know why that seems so frightening.  I don't know why we ever imagine that we can do better than the One who moves the ocean. 

The next time I go to California, I'm taking an official surfing lesson.  I'm a simple gal who needs a concrete example to help illustrate the feeling of letting go so that I can learn to ride the waves that are God's will.  I want to keep learning.  It is so exciting to feel like you see a glimpse of the hand of God.    I want to look at the world daily and find the parables that God has placed in our daily paths if only we can be still and quiet long enough to see them. 

My son is now having wonderful opportunities to face the natural consequences of his actions.  There is no safety net of Mom or Dad.  He is learning what he should have been learning long ago.  The only difference between then and now is that we aren't contributing or getting in the way.  God is now allowed to show my son these lessons or parables.  Thanks be to God.  This paradigm shift gives me freedom and hope.  Today, I pray for my son to learn from life's daily lessons.  I pray for the wisdom for him to accept his addiction and truly deal with it.  I pray for those who are sick and suffering and as always, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

The Sacrament of the Present Moment

Recovery is a journey.  Life is a journey.  I wonder if our tv and movie watching have conditioned us to want to know the ending?  There is safety in knowing that the ending will be a happy one.  When my husband and I first married, we moved to northeastern Ohio.  We were 500 miles from our families.  He worked many many hours while I was home alone with little ones.  We lived in the snow belt and not having grown up there, I had a really hard time dealing with the cold.  I was just so determined to leave that place, from the first minute that I unpacked my last box.  We didn't look to buy a house, because we weren't staying.  One year for my husband to gain experience in his field and we'd head closer to home.  I was constantly looking to the end of the plan.  I wanted warmth and sunshine and family.  So, I kept myself looking only to that goal.  Funny, how it works when I am following my own will......one year became two, then five became six and around the eighth year in Ohio, I said OK Lord, I hate it here, I miss my family, I don't understand but if it is here that you want me to be I will stay(I won't like it, but I'll do it).  Doors began to open and within a year we moved closer to family and in warmer climate.  I can't imagine what I would have done, if I had known that I'd be there for over eight years.  I wonder what would have happened if instead of constantly stamping my foot, refusing to be a part of this place, I had enjoyed it.  What if I had learned to ski?  What if I had become a part of the community?  What if I had said on day one, Lord, if this is where you want me to stay, I will?  I often wonder if we'd come home a lot sooner.  In all probability, it would have been something much grander than all of that.  You see, when you allow God to be in charge, the possibilities are so much greater than your imagination can even dream. 

This recovery is so scary to me.  Do I have the courage to say Lord, your time and not mine?  In the beginning, my prayers were, send me a miracle.  I want him cured without the possibility of relapse.  Then they moved to please give him strength and perseverance.  Now, they are a whisper of thy will not mine, but please, please help me.  This road could take over eight years....until I am comfortable....it could take a lifetime.  Fear and anxiety plague so many of my wakeful moments.  They wake me from sleep.  They make me weary.  My dearest friend gave me a wonderful book called the Abandonment to Divine Providence.  The topic is of course abandoning your will to the will of God.  Abandoning....like walking away from...our will.  But wait, I'm so worried.  What will happen if I don't put in the work of worry....something will surely go wrong, right?   Oddly enough, I think that is what I am thinking.  Steps Two and Three ...turn our will over to the will of God so that He might restore us to sanity.  But, how do we just let go...walk away?  I need a plan.  I need clear instructions with pictures.  St. Therese had some really good advice:  "If I did not simply live from one moment to the next, it would be impossible for me to keep my patience.  I can see only the present, I forget the past and take good care not to think about the future.  We get discouraged and feel dispair because we brood about the past and the future.  It is such folly to pass one's time fretting, instead of resting quietly on the heart of Jesus."  Resting quietly on the heart of Jesus....comforting words....how do I get to that level of trust and confidence?  I guess it will take time and prayer and practice in waiting on His will. 

As I travel this new reality of my life, and I am waiting on my Lord for direction, I already have received so many gifts.  Maybe not THE big gift of this to be over, but gifts of people that I never would have met, seeing the goodness of so many who surround my family, getting to know my son again, my girls finding strength and amazing me with their loving hearts and resiliant spirits and finally learning many truths about myself, like it or not, that I needed to learn.  So, for today, my prayer is for the ability to abandon my will to God's will and to do it with great confidence and as always a prayer for Henry.