Autumn

Yesterday's rain brought a drop in the dew point which means instant relief from the humidity here in middle Tennessee.  Between a change in the temperature and a steady stream of Facebook feed pictures of school aged children all holding signs stating the first day of school for which ever grade they happen to find themselves entering, I feel a shift in the seasons.

I have no little ones heading back to school.  But, the moving rental will come and be loaded to take my oldest daughter to Louisiana to graduate school.  Perhaps she will let me snap her picture with a sign saying, "Grad School or Bust" for me to post.

My youngest daughter will start a new semester of nursing school on the twenty-sixth.  She has only three remaining semesters.  I can easily see the beginning of her new chapter in sight.

The Son has been asked to choose the way in which he wishes to live his life.....but do it away from home.  He has been told that he can figure it out and his father and I did when we were about his age.  I hope he chooses well. 

My mother died in late October sixteen years ago.  She started her decline about this time of year.  As I sit on the porch of the morning and the evening the sounds of crickets and frogs seems to slow.  The biting humidity gives way to a cleaner, dryer air and my body remembers.

Sadness still comes sixteen years later.  An open window with the smells of dried leaves brings to mind that time when I held on tight to every bit of her that I could.  Now it is a new generation that I am releasing. 

I guess that I find my life entering it's own Autumn.  Fatigue helps me accept the new season.  Experience helps me to appreciate it.  Hope helps me to keep looking forward. 

Praying for all of us.

Bottom Line

Everybody has an opinion regarding the death of Robin Williams.  Some can't believe it.  Some want to be clear that he only went back to rehab for a tune-up....Some think those who take their own life are selfish.  Some think he could have afforded the doctors so he should have gone to them so that he could  just snap out of it. 

Those of us who have lived with either addiction or mental illness or both hope that his life and his death might bring understanding to those whose lives have not. 

I accidently "butt dialed" a friend yesterday.  Last year her adult son was killed in a car wreck.  He had no problems with drugs or alcohol.  He was just a wonderful young man who was responsible and hard working.

"How are you doing?"  I asked.  It had been almost exactly a year since his accident."

She said, "You, know I had gotten past the point where I worried about his driving like you do a sixteen year old.  It just came out of nowhere. I don't think I will ever get over it.

"I can't even imagine."  I say.

"I'm really glad you called.  Most people avoid me like the plague.  Losing a child is a mother's worst nightmare and so it's like people are afraid they will 'catch it' from me."  She said.

I felt a big twinge of guilt.  You see I accidently called her.  However,  I do suspect that with God there are no accidents.  In his mercy he gave her an ear when she needed one.

I look at both of these situations and think---bottom line folks--bottom line.  We are to love one another as Christ loves me.  That's it.

So what if Robin Williams was using again.  So what if he was selfish.  So what if he could afford doctors and didn't seek their advice.  So what if we don't know what to say to a grieving mother who lost her sweet boy? 

We're not here to judge.  We're not here to say or do the perfect thing.  We are only here to love. 

Wonder if we will ever get it? 

 

Gifts of Addiction

I've been asked to chair the next Al Anon meeting.  That means you lead the meeting and choose a topic for discussion.  Sometimes I need to deal with something in particular such as fear.  But other times I thumb through the index and I wait to see what topic jumps out at me.  This week I didn't really have a pressing need to focus on a particular topic so I started to thumb through the index. 

There were several topics that jumped out at me.  I wrote each of the topics down on a piece of paper.  I thought that maybe I'd take some time to see if one topic spoke to me more than the others.  I believe that Al Anon works that way.  God will choose and I will deliver the topic.  I finally looked at my list and instead of looking at each individual item, I looked at the collection as a whole and realized that they were all gifts of addiction.  You might think that they are gifts of a twelve step program or gifts from my faith or gifts from counseling, but really if it hadn't been for the disease of addiction, I would not have sought the changes learned from each of those avenues. 

Addiction has changed me.  Addiction has made me humble, loving, mindful, accepting,  aware, present and grateful.  Addiction has taught me not to be afraid, judgmental, mind other people's business or expect. 

I'm so grateful that I am in process.  I don't think it ever would have happened without addiction.  Maybe it would have, but addiction did happen and I am changing as a result.  Make no mistake, I would never wish this disease on my son.  But, it did happen and I will be grateful for the gifts that were given in the midst of the heartbreak.  I was wondering if any of you all felt the same way.  If so, what one thing really changed about you?

On another note, I have lost 9.6 lbs....as of last Monday.  I will weigh in tomorrow afternoon at 4pm and I feel as though I've lost another 1-2 lbs.  I'll let you know later.  It is a slow process but I am thankful that I am facing a lifelong struggle. 

My niece just had her fourth child!  Her mom was an alcoholic.  I used to say that she was an alcoholic and my brother's drug of choice was her......I didn't know the term co dependent but I knew what it was....even then.  I'm going to go see her and take her dinner and a ODAT or Courage to Change.  I've never asked her as an adult how she dealt with it.  I guess we didn't talk about it much.  I think it's time I asked.  I'm praying for all of you.

Looking Back on the Past

I just printed off all of the blog posts that I have written since the beginning.  Two hundred forty-four, single spaced pages.  Sometimes I don't like going back to read because it's so hard.  Sometimes I do because I am able to see some progress.  I'm going to go have it collated.  Here is the proof....proof of a long fought battle for quiet acceptance, proof that our awareness was awakened and continues to grow, proof that in a empty space that mainly housed only me and my fears, now resides a  space full of love of God and his will, with me close by allowing him to show me the way to myself. I wonder if any of you guys have ever done the same? 

A new session has begun at the jail.  I met the ladies for the first time on Thursday.  I am only offering a creative writing workshop this time.  I am relieved that I am not facilitating a class that I do not feel qualified to teach.  I guess some could argue that I am not qualified to lead a writing workshop but my goal is mainly encouraging them to look in and question and effectively communicate with themselves and others. 

I watched a great segment on writing obituaries on Saturday.  I must admit that I love reading them.  There has to be some really great stories tucked in those interesting snapshots of a life.  I learned that in Great Britain, their obituaries aren't always flattering.  I've included one of my favorites to give you a "happy" for today. 

Yesterday I got to spend the entire day alone.  To many, that may sound lonely but to me, it is a necessary part of my sanity.  I need quiet to allow myself to look in and be present with my feelings.  Then, I am able to understand them, deal with them and let them go.  I'll probably turn into the odd little blue haired lady who kids are afraid of before it's over.  Oh well.

I'm beginning to day dream about warm coastal breezes.  I fantasize about winning the lottery and packing only an overnight bag and checking flights not for price but warmth, buying a one way flight and staying as long as I feel like it, shopping for the proper clothes when I get there, eating delicious food and taking a huge stake of books.  Can you imagine? 

The son seems to be making progress, lately.  He has a girlfriend who seems very nice.  He is paying bills on his own.  He is visiting family, hanging out with us, talking on the phone with friends while staying in the same room where we are ( I know that a lot of you get how big that is), trying to quit smoking and making future plans. 

Big Sister is working as a vet assistant until the fall when graduate school begins.  She is paying her own way which was a little shocking to her at first but I'm really proud of the job she is doing.  She is even replacing the tires on her car this week.  That is a big financial burden off our plate.  I'm really proud of her.

Little Sister is quite excited about nursing school.  I purchased hot dogs at the grocery store so that she could practice IP shots!!  It's so funny to look at these kids that I remember so vividly as the little characters now enter adulthood taking on grown up responsibilities.  It's been great finally letting them go.  They are so much more than I could ever force them to be.......

This reason we are all here is the darndest thing, isn't it?  It almost broke us and yet, it has changed things in the most wonderful ways.  I guess that is what I will look for when I read about the past. 

Praying for Henry, my family and yours. 





 

Pray For Me

The first thing that our new Pope said after being elected was a request for the people to pray for him.  Prayer is so important.  In the beginning of this madness, I wanted to fix the world for my son, then I wanted to fix him.  I met a priest that told me about how he lived in bars prior to going into the priesthood.  One day his brother asked their mother why she didn't go into the bars and drag him out and let him have it.  She told her son that she had a much better chance of fighting for his brother on her knees than she ever would going after him in the bars.

It was a bigger lesson than I could ever imagine back then.  I began praying by telling God what to do.  Later I learned a lot about myself by paying attention to what and how I prayed.  I began to change my prayer from little requests like help him to do this or that to simply heal him.  I began to understand that all these things that I deemed normal were not necessarily things that would mean healing for my boy.  I started to see and accept that I didn't know what it would take to heal my son. 

Now I am realizing that I need to pray for myself.  I need to be healed.  I need to know how to be a mother who loves unconditionally in the midst of addiction.  I need to love without judgment.  I need to pray for continued awareness.  I need to pray without ceasing. 

Things are different now.  I don't really know if they are good or bad.  I don't know if my son is using or not.  I don't know if he's better or found a new way to manipulate.  And, I just don't know how to stop trying to manage him.  So, I ask for your prayers.  I realize that I am still not minding my own business.  Boy am I a slow learner. 

It's really strange weather here tonight.  It is supposed to drop 50 degrees overnight.  The wind is blowing up to 30 mph.  I've missed reading all of your blogs.  I've been tied up at work but should hopefully get back to a normal schedule.  I also cut my pinkie on a can of pumpkin and had to get six stitches on Christmas eve!  Luckily my best friend is married to an orthopod and so he stitched me up.  It is unbelievable how much you need your pinkie.  Typing has been a nightmare.

Well, our tree is down.  We put it out by the curb for the city to pick up and it has blown all over the place since the wind has picked up.  Hopefully we will get back to some version of normal.  The days get longer.....my favorite time of the year is on it's way.  Praying for us all.

 

Without Condition

Within the last three weeks, the Son has lost two people that he knew from his first rehab experience.  It has been a very sobering experience for all of us.  The Son is very hurt.  Addicts have a really hard time dealing with pain.  He came to visit and things weren't going all that well between us.  The Dad wisely reminded me how difficult it is for an addict to handle pain.  "Pray for him and love him" he said. 

It was the message that I needed.  Fear had me panicking about the way he was behaving.  I was reacting.  But when I was reminded to pray and love, I started to see the Son as someone who was heart broken and afraid.  Instead of looking for what I considered as "right" behavior, I could see him.  I could see his hurt. 

I shut my mouth.  I just loved him.  I prayed for him to have the desire and courage to work towards his own health.  Then out of the blue he started reading one of the many books on recovery that are on our shelves.  He asked if he could take it home. 

Today, he opened up to me more than I EVER remember.  He shared his concerns and let go of some of the toxic feelings that he's so good at carrying around.  It was truly a miracle.  It was an unexpected gift.  And I believe that it all happened because this family is attempting to love the right way.

My mom died 15 years ago today.  I think she's praying for us.  Feeling thankful and praying for Henry and all of you.

We all Need Hope



There is a lot of heartache in this world.  And, in this community in particular, we have seen, heard, and personally felt a lot of heartache.  So, today, I wanted to share a story of hope with you.  The Dad is a horse vet.  He sees all kinds of horses.  There are beautiful dark warm bloods, thoroughbreds, quarter horses, arabians, morgans, paints, ponies, miniature horses, draft horses, donkeys and mules and many others.


They all have owners....(okay, that is another post).  But, many owners aren't all that equipped to own a horse.  Horses are a big responsibility.  I often say that there are horse people,  there are competitors or collectors of horses and there are folks that like the idea of having a horse.  But, few really and truly just love the animal.

I've got a friend who is to the core, a horseman or maybe horsewoman.  She loves and appreciates them for the creature that God created them to be.  Yesterday afternoon she called in tears because she went to look at a horse to purchase for a lesson horse for her farm and what she found, was pure unadulterated abuse and neglect.  She wanted to know how to go about reporing these folks to the proper authorities.  Later that evening, still in tears, she called to let me know that she had just purchased the horse in the poorest condition.  Her heart is big.

I went to the clinic when they brought him in and this poor guy was surrounded by my friend and five other people from her farm.  The thought that came to my mind was this poor guy went from being in a tiny 4X6 stall with no hay or clean water to having his own personal village of humans to love and care for him. 

This 16.1 hand horse weighed 966 pounds.  His affect was very dull and depressed.  He had sores in his mouth because of the poor quality hay and because his teeth needed a dental.  But, his eyes were so kind.  And, he had not given up.

We keep a big glass jar of peppermints on our counter at the clinic.  When the horse's procedure is over we give him a treat.  My friend opened the jar and began to rattle the celophane wrapper and his eyes lit up and he began to move towards her.  He had been given treats before.  He remembered.

Tonight he can rest in a big stall.  He gets all the hay he can eat.  He will begin to get grain and water and fresh grass.  But, more than that he will be loved.  Afterall, that's all that we all really need right?

I'm posting his picture here, not to shock but so that you will see a starting point.  By the way, my friend looked up his tattoo ( all registered thoroughbreds have a tattoo on their inside upper lip) and found that he shares her daughter's birthday.  As Leroy Jethro Gibbs says on NCIS, "there are no coincidences."

Today I am thankful for the ability to witness the kindness of others.  I am thankful that I had my family together tonight for dinner and a rosary.  I pray for healing for all of our addicted loved ones and as always, a prayer for the soul of Henry.



I love you, Daddy...

Tomorrow the family will drive out of state to my father-in-laws house to cook for him and spend the day in celebration of Father's Day.  If my Dad were alive he would have been 90 years old.  I can't tell you how much I miss him.  And, it really surprises me.  I always loved my dad but I wasn't as close to him as I was to my mother.  But, when he died, it was if a big part of him stayed with me. 

My Dad's father was Henry, the alcoholic in this blogs title.  Daddy was so feisty and sweet, all rolled up together.  He was tough but honest and willing to give so many others a shot that they might not have gotten otherwise. 

Later in his life, he began buying rental properties.  They were little, inexpensive homes in need of love, money and some elbow grease.  We teased him a lot calling him the slum lord.  But, he would take these homes and clean them up, repair what needed repairing, give them new paint and floors and rent or sell them to folks that might not have been able to come up with a down payment or bank financing. 

To this day, I  run into people who will tell me that they wouldn't have ever owned a home, had it not been for my father.  I am still so proud of him.  Because my Dad....my lovely sweet Dad, grew up with an abusive alcoholic father that sent him to work instead of school and took that money to drink, and as the son of that sharecropper he never had a home of his own until he married my mother and he knew what that meant to someone and he gave back. 

So today on the eve of Father's Day I want to offer up prayers of thanksgiving for my Dad.  I am so thankful for the man he was and the lessons he left me.  I pray for our sons and daughters, that they might have healing.  And, I also pray for the soul of Henry.

 

How I Met the Good Samaritans

I've heard that God will whisper to you to make you pay attention.  If you don't listen, he'll tap you on the shoulder and if you still don't listen then perhaps a brick to the head!  I think I've just received the third, loud thud.  I love to eat SUGAR!!!!  I think dessert should be a food group or the bottom of the pyramid, depending on how old you are.  But, I have diabetes and now high blood pressure and the third whack is that my heart is in a really big hurry.  It is in such a hurry that it often runs away with me until I become sick at my stomach and vomit.

So, I have begun this round of tests.  First, I had to wear a Holter monitor for 2 long, unable to bathe, days.  Yuck!!  I felt pretty good while wearing it and thought, heck I aced that one.  But, apparently, my heart rate ranged from 140-160 beats per minute at rest.  Crap...next, I had an ultrasound of my heart.  The young man who did it, sensed my concern and even though they aren't allowed to tell you much, made me feel as if there weren't any big blaring monsters on the screen (God bless him).

Then yesterday, I had the mother of all tests.  I was told that I would have a stress test.  I googled it and read about how you get on the treadmill and spend about 9 minutes at various speeds and inclines, while hooked up to blood pressure cuff and EKG.  Seemed like no problem, so when hubby offered to go I said," nah, I'll be in, I'll be out in 45 minutes to an hour, tops." 

Guess what, I was scheduled for a nuclear stress test.  This is a whole different ball game.  I was told no caffeine for 24 hrs.  This is a BIG, B-I-G, problem.  I love caffeine.  I love it hot, cold and in chocolate.  I take a big sip of Diet Pepsi in the morning and let the fizz burn down my throat and give a big ahhhh knowing that it will soon open my very sleepy eyes.  Can you say addict?  Well I know it, own it, accept it, but thus far have been unwilling to do a darn thing about it. 

Also, no drink after midnight and no food.  My appointment was scheduled for 11 am.  I have diabetes.  If you don't eat, you become very sick.  After waiting for almost an hour, they call me back.  I am beginning to get a very big caffeine withdraw headache.  They had me change into 2 gowns and put an iv in.  Then they pull out this very heavy metal tube of radioactive medicine that looks like something James Bond might carry around and inject me with it so that my heart will show up on a gamma camera.  Next, I must drink 3 cups of water on my empty, nauseated stomach and go to a separate radioactive waiting room and only use the radioactive bathroom.  No, I'm not kidding or exaggerating.

It is time to wait for the next camera.  There is an older gentleman in there who wants to talk.  My head is pounding, stomach churning but he is so sweet.  He tells me about running a feed store for 25 years after his father did it before him.  He tells me how 7 of his old employees passed away just last year and his voice begins to crack.  "Life is hard when you start to lose everyone " he said. 

After chatting for a while, I know that the inevitable is coming so I excuse myself to go to my "special" bathroom to hang with the porcelain goddess.  The 3 cups of water comes up first.  I cannot seem to stop retching.  And, all the while I hear my nurses and techs in the hallway, having a big time.  Finally, I get out and my old friend comes and gets them and tells them that they need to take care of "His girl".  How sweet is that?

The nurses get me wet towels and oj in case my sugar is low.  They put me on the bed with the camera and attempt to get this phase done.  Midway through, I yell for them to get me out and get me a trash can.  I am sick again.  They urge me to finish this portion and come back tomorrow for the next phase.  I make it through but am sick as soon as I get out. 

As I lay on this cold tiled bathroom floor in 2 hospital gowns and big baggy sweatpants, I listen to the tech laughing and having fun in the hallway.  I see all sorts of radioactive debris lying on the floor from those who have used this room before me but I no longer care.  I asked God to help me or take me, really I didn't care which. 

I had asked for phenagran.  That's all I need.  "No," they say.  A doctor would have to prescribe that.  I am in one of middle Tennessee's largest hospitals and I can't get phenegran or a doctor to give me some.  "The only option", they tell me "is to go to the ER".  Finally I decide that I cannot make it anywhere.  So, I stagger out into the hall and tell them to take the iv out and take me to the ER.

A nurse gets me in a plus sized wheel chair so that I can stuff all my belongings around me.  She wheels me through the bowels of this large hospital in order to get me and my radioactive vomit the heck out of Dodge.  She parks me in the ER waiting room, checks me in and leaves. 

I must look like some indigent person off the streets with my gowns on, puke bucket in my lap an wet towels all over me.  Then it happened.  What would normally be mortifying, no longer mattered.  I began retching again.  Right there in the middle of the waiting room.  I would have been embarrassed if I still wanted to live but I just wanted to die.  Two lovely strangers sprang into action.  One man ran to his bathroom and got wet paper towels for me while a woman picked up a magazine and fanned me until someone finally came to get me.

I got my phenagran...."Thank you Jesus" as a lot of little old southern women might say!  I finished my test today.  Everyone kept saying, "Oh my you look a lot better than yesterday."  You think? 

What is ironic to me about this story is that it was the strangers who showed the most caring and compassion.  Clearly, I'm not gonna die from vomiting, but I wanted too!!!  This only affirms what I said in my previous post.  Those other patients or families of patients cared what I was going through.  They tried to provide comfort.  Hubby was none too happy by the time he got there.  He was upset that we weren't totally prepared for what I was going through.  He was upset that they weren't really paying attention.  I think that after his questions, I became the squeaky wheel because today, I was first in and out!!  Have I said "Thanks be to God?"  Well, just in case I forgot, " Thanks be to God!"

Today I say a prayer of thanksgiving for phenegran, compassionate strangers and completed tests.  I pray for those who battle this "machine" that our hospitals have become.  I pray endlessly for our addicted loved ones, their families and Henry.

All Ya Need is Love....

My best friend is a mom to 8 children.  She has 3 bio kids and 5 adopted ones.  She is always the student and so she has read many, many books about adoption issues.  She continues to school me on attachment issues. 

Attachment has become a big deal in psychological circles.  The Dad and I attend counseling and our therapist uses attachment therapy with us as a couple.  Gabor Mate, MD is a physician in Canada who has written several books ( the ones I have read deal with addiction and ADD).  He looks at attachment as a primary problem for those suffering with addiction.  He also looks at how attachment exacerbates problems with ADD. 

My friend went to a conference on attachment and brought me back CD's from Karen Purvis, the speaker.  While she was specifically referring to children in adopted families and in foster homes, the behavior of those children sounded a lot like the behavior of my son.  I started applying some of her principals to my interactions with him. 

It's about unconditional love.  Really that's THE bottom line.  But, do we know how to express love withOUT condition, really?  It's harder than you think.  We're so programmed by our own past, the media, our friends, pride, etc. that it takes some real slowing down our behavior to examine from where it comes.

Recently, my son had to serve 2 days jail time for a DUI.  He was so anxious.  Before, our family would have been angry(fearful) about this consequence that we would have lectured ( to control) him on how really stupid this was.  This time around, I talked him through his fear of this experience.  I never mentioned what he did.  I finally let this consequence be the punishment. 

When he got out, he spent the night with a coworker so I didn't see him until the next day.  He had to take a drug test the day after he got out.  He didn't have a car as his was in the shop.  He called the probation officer to say that he didn't have a ride.  He quickly told him that was too bad and that things didn't work that way and if he didn't get there, he would be in violation of his probation.  Needless to say HE found a way to get his drug test.

That night when I came home with the Dad after speaking to a 4H group, I saw him in the window as I was walking in.  "My boy is home!"  I exclaimed.  He heard me and opened the door and gave me a great big hug!!  This boy rarely wanted me to touch him in the past.  "How was your drug test?"  I asked.  "Fine, I passed."  he said.  "How was jail,"  I continued.  This is where he doubled over in laughter and ran out to tell his father about my greeting, which I never saw as funny.

What was really cool was that when I let go of how he should have behaved in the past (his business) and just loved him this day allowing the natural consequences be the consequence, he came to ME with his concerns and problems....ME, not a substance!!!!

Pretty cool, huh?  Mother Teresa was this simple tough chick.  I love her words because they aren't complicated.  They are honest.  She didn't try to show us her intelligence by complicating things.  No, I'd say she was so secure in her attachment to God that she was able to speak in  simple yet straightforward and not always politically correct terms. 

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." Mother Teresa

and when you have an addicted loved one or someone who is in the hell of addiction remember:

"Each one of them is Jesus in disguise."  Mother Teresa

Today, I am thankful for having experienced the fruits of unconditional love.  I am thankful for the wise words of those who have walked this path before me.  I'm thankful for friends who help in so many ways.  Love, really is all you need. 

I say a prayer that we all experience and give that great love that heals and sustains.  And I say a prayer for the soul of Henry.






This is me (the baby) as my brothers and sisters called me and my oldest sister.  I was loved by parents and 5 older siblings......I had it all!

Day 16 Persons Being Visited By the Lord.....

I've been doing a lot of reading about learning to truly love.  I firmly believe that the gift of love is as healing as anything that I can ever do for my son.  I was reading some quotes from our Blessed Pope John Paul II on the subject of love.  I thought that one quote was so appropriate for all of us who have dealt with or are dealing with addiction. 

"The sickness of a family member, friend or neighbor is a call to Christians to demonstrate true compassion, that gentle and persevering sharing in another's pain.  Likewise, the handicapped and those who are ill must never feel that they are a burden;  they are persons being visited by the Lord."

Mother Teresa always lived and served the poorest of the poor by keeping the idea of serving the "least of these" as serving Jesus himself.  When you imagine looking into the eyes of those suffering whether it be cancer or addiction and see someone so in need, and you imagine that you are peering into the eyes of Jesus, I think that your strength is renewed in the fact that loving those who are sometimes very difficult to love are a way for us to really give love.  It is a challenge worth taking.

I am so blessed to be a part of this addiction/blogging community.  I know that sounds strange but, you who have walked this path....GET IT.  You know what is important.  You have lived or are living in fear and you're still standing.  I learn so much from you.  I feel the depth of your humanness.  I your strength and perseverance.  And, I feel your unconditional love in your giving back.
Today, I am thankful for all of you.  I am thankful for the lessons I learn from each of you on how to love, how to care for myself, how to be grateful, how to appreciate each day.  I pray for our continued growth and the spread of that love for all of the "least of these."  And, I pray for the soul of Henry.

Day 15

Last night, I spoke with a mom whose son wanted to deal with his addiction.  Today he is detoxing and will enter a rehab facility when the detox period is over.  A few years ago I would have felt so terrible hearing news of a child going through detox but not today.  Today, I feel so happy for this family.  I know about the reality of relapse.  But, I have also come to the realization that relapse may be a part of the learning process and I appreciate every step forward.

Love really does heal.  I believe that learning to love the whole, broken, warts and all package of our loved ones and radiating that love so brightly that they know it just by looking at us goes a really long way towards healing our addicted loved ones. 

My friend's son is going to a rehab facility where everyone patient is given a 6 week old puppy which they will train and care for and take home when they leave.  I think this is brilliant.  What better example of unconditional love than that of a puppy.  And, learning to care for something, be responsible for something.....to be told they are capable of caring for something.  I'm so impressed.

In some ways addiction has been a blessing to my family.  It is a horrible thing don't get me wrong however, it did wake us up to deal with a lot of things we really needed to deal with.  It did help us to see what is really important.  It did help us to really learn to love.  And, to learn how to love more completely. 

Today I am thankful for faith, hope and love.  I am thankful for the journey of recovery.  I am thankful for the clarity that this journey gives.  I am thankful to all of my new blogging buddies.  I pray for continued strength and understanding.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

PS  I didn't mean to publish the widget to ask for money.....just copied and pasted the quote and it came with it and then I couldn't get rid of it....I'm sure it is a worthy cause but I didn't intend to fund raise for them....FYI

Finding Me Day 6 Rembering the Golden Rule

"We are precious to him, the man dying in the street--precious to him, that millionaire--precious to him the sinner--precious to him." Mother Teresa

“You did then what you knew how to do, And when you knew better, You did better.”  Maya Anjeleou

We are all children of God.  I can accept this almost all of the time; now more than ever.  One of the places that I have a harder time is when someone  blatantly tries to cause harm to me or my family in an effort of personal gain.  I have prayed for the strength to forgive, but I'm not sure that I'm there and I don't especially know how to get there.  However, while I pray for the ability to forgive, I will recognize that this is not a safe person. 

I think this also applies to remembering that we are precious to God.  So many of us have raked ourselves over the coals to look for what we did wrong with our addicted family member.  I think we all need to get to know what our personal motives are for our behaviors.  Then pray for direction.  Learning to love ourselves and others is a big job.  It is the most important job. 

Today I pray for the wisdom to learn the lessons that I need to learn.  I pray for all of you who love and care for anyone affected by the disease of addiction.  I pray increased awareness and I say a prayer for Henry.

Finding Me Day 3 Learning From Lucy

"Love has to be put in action and that action is service."  Mother Teresa

In The Road Less Traveled Scott Peck defines love as action, as the willingness to extend oneself in order to nurture another person's spiritual and psychological growth or one's own.  It so happens that this is also the precise meaning of giving attention to another person or to oneself.  The origin of the word attend is the Latin tendere, "to stretch".  Attend means to extend, to stretch toward. 

The best teacher of unconditional love that I know,  is a member of my family.  Her name is Lucy and she "lights up" every time I see her.  She brings such joy to our home.  Today I will try to remember to be more like Lucy. 

Today I am thankful for Lucy and her amazing ability to show love no matter what.  I am thankful for the perspective and awareness of my need to put that kind of love into service.  I pray that our addicted loved ones will also start to enjoy that kind of love and I say a prayer for the soul of Henry.

My Prodigal Son and I

The younger son said to his father, "Father, let me have the share of the estate that will come to me.."  So the father divided the property between them.  A few days later, the younger son got together everything he had and left for a distant country where he squandered his money on a life of debauchery.

When he had spent it all, that country experienced a severe famine, and now he began to feel the pinch so he hired himself out to one of the local inhabitants who put him on his farm to feed the pigs.  And he would willingly have filled himself with the husks the pigs were eating but no one would let him have them.  Then he came to his senses and said, "How many of my father's hired men have all the food they want and more, and here I am dying of hunger!  I will leave this place and go to my father and say:  Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you;  I no longer deserve to be called your son;  treat me as one of your hired men.:  So he left the place and went back to his father. 

Henri J. M. Nouwen was a catholic priest who wrote the book, The Return of the Prodigal Son.  I bought and read that book several years ago.  I loved it because he talked about how we can all be  the son and the father and the brother.  Nouwen saw a poster of Rembrandt's painting and it was so moving for him that he got permission to sit in front of the actual painting for several hours to study it.  He also heard reactions of those who came by to look at it.  It spoke to him at the very core.  It speaks to me too.

My son has left this family.  He chose to do it.  Initially, it was hurtful that he was able to leave a place where we provided for and loved this child.  Our intentions were only good for him in this place.  Yet, he left it for a life of debauchery.  In my mind's eye, this could not be understood.  It was more than just leaving, it was a disrespect of all that he had been taught.  He was cutting loose from the families way of thinking and being and doing.  Having lost both of my parents, I couldn't fathom willingly giving up that unconditional love.  Or could I? 

Today I picked up my old book and skimmed over it again.  Nouwen describes both Rembrandt and himself as the son.  He talks of a spiritual leaving home.  When we choose a life that searches for happiness in money or success or personal comfort are we choosing to belong to God or to the world?  If we are looking for unconditional love from those of this world and base our happiness on being loved because we are smart or pretty or are serving their need at a particular point in time, will I ever find happiness?  Will I be "hooked" to trying harder and in a different way to gain love and acceptance from this world?  I will be a slave to all of the hurdles I am trying to jump through to get something that is unattainable.  When Nouwen describes this as addiction, I thought,  Oh my, I am the prodigal son.  I am no different than my son.  I am looking for acceptance and comfort in all the wrong places.  I have squandered my inheritance. 

The father could not force his son to stay home.  He knew that he must allow him to find his own way even though the cost could be great.  But, the great blessing was that not matter how many times he would leave, the father would be there to welcome him home with outstretched arms.  This is what our heavenly Father does for us over and over again.

Counselors speak about the need to hit bottom.  I have heard it over and over again.  It is now what we are waiting on to occur.  Leaving home takes you farther and farther from love.  It becomes harder and harder to live in the world that will entangle you in manipulations and struggles of this world.  There becomes no one to trust.  There is no one who truly cares unless you can be used for something that they want.  You stop seeing those that you might have something in common with.   Life looses meaning.  This isolation and loneliness, this feeling of no where to turn is the only way that opens your eyes to what you might have lost.  It is in this place that you might discover your true self. 

I know these things.  I have been in this place...and not too long ago.  I worried more about success in our business, who quit using us, who liked using us.  I forgot that this business isn't personal.  It is a means to pay for our needs.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I spent too much money when times were better.  I could have saved that for leaner times, but I squandered my inheritance.  I put more focus on financial gain that the time spent with my children....I left my country.  But, four months ago, after watching my son come home high as a kite, belligerent, irrational and worried for his life.  I made a turn in my path.  I watched my son in a drug hazed condition, shave his head, because he thought it would be more comfortable.  I watched this shell that was once my beautiful little boy mutilate himself.  I decided then and there, that my life had become meaningless.  I decided then and there that if God would help me back on the path towards Him, that I would look in the right place for love.  

I am still traveling back to where I can say that I am not worthy and hope to be taken back in.  I am praying on this day, that my son will soon find the place at the bottom and when he does, I pray that he will make the right choice.  I am thankful for this lesson.  I am thankful for prayer.  I am thankful for the bottom for it is from that place that I see the most clearly.  Today I pray that we all continue our daily journey with the Father.  I am thankful for all of the prayers said on our behalf.  And as always, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.