"Keep your eyes fixed on where you're going."  Shouted Mr. Gray, an old cowboy who was trying to teach me to ride my horse, Bo. 

He would say this over and over again because, I was easily distracted.  "If  you keep your eyes fixed on your destination, he will head in that direction."  He said.

But, how will he know where my eyes are fixed, I wondered.  Mr. Gray continued as if knowing my question, " He can feel a fly on his back.  He will feel the slightest shift in your weight as you look around."

I began to learn that he was right.  If  I looked down at my feet, or looked at something to my left or right, he became distracted.

Today, Lucy, my little long haired dachshund, and I were out for our morning walk.  She was wandering more than usual, and I was wondering why she seemed so distracted.  Just as I began to think about why, the memory of those riding lessons came to mind.  So, I fixed my gaze on the path that I intended to walk, and like magic, Lucy straightened her path.

St. Francis of Assisi is attributed to the quote,

 "Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary, use words."

I began to understand how to preach the gospel, without opening my mouth through my twelve-step program.  I had to mind my own business--clean my own house, first.  I cannot force anyone to follow my lead.  But if  I examine my motives carefully and am purposefully seeking to follow the will of God, by attraction, others may follow.

 If I have my gaze fixed on the will of my 'power which is greater than myself--God', then my weight will stop shifting in all sorts of conflicting directions.  It will be clear that there is confidence in where I am going.

We went to a family funeral last weekend.  It was a hotbed of distraction.  There have been disagreements.  There is division to the point of some family members refusing to speak to others even in a place where a family should come together. 

It was so stressful that when I got home, I got physically sick.  Those family systems can be toxic.  It gets confusing.  How do you honor your parents if they try to force you to go against all that you believe in?

It is no wonder why we self medicate. 

I was so grateful to come home.  It is where I can slow it all down.  I can call on the Serenity Prayer and work on discernment.  Then, I try to do what I need to do to take care of myself...Today.  That is all that I need to figure out.

Prayer and meditation are wonderful gifts.  I can pray for guidance and through meditation, I listen.  God's grace floods my mind with all sorts of ideas and thoughts to help me understand; thoughts to remind me to stop looking around. 

"Fix your eyes" I can almost hear Him say.  And so today, that is where I will place my focus. 

Addiction gave me these tools.  I would not have them if it had not been for the difficult journey of addiction.  Out of difficulty, there is blessing.  Always.

I'm praying for 'the Henry's' in my life and yours.

Draw What You See

Sirens racing past.  Two police cars, another unmarked and one ambulance.  I'm picking up dinner as I see them pass, wondering what could be going on in our small town.  The ten o'clock news reveals that there is a hostage situation at our county jail.  It is the same county jail that I have volunteered at for the last five years.  It is where I will be in just a few short hours.

A local detective who has worked closely with animal control has been placed on administrative leave without pay, pending investigation of misconduct.  My husband has worked with him for years.  He has always respected him. 

In high school, I took an art class.  I wanted desperately to be an artist.  But, I could not draw.  I was a serious coloring book aficionado, growing up.  But, drawing left me frustrated.  In our very first class, the teacher gave us each a huge sketching pad and pencil, placed an object in the front of the room and said, "draw what you see." 

That was it.  As she walked around the room, I stopped her and said, "I just can't seem to do this."  She looked at me and smiled, "draw what you see."  And that is all that I got for the rest of the year.

It wasn't until I began to write and I was told, "Don't tell me, show me", that I started to understand my problem.  As I began to put on paper what I actually saw, separating it from the way that I felt, I realized how often I saw with my head instead of my eyes. 

What do I actually see?  How has my perception colored what is?

A friend posted her son's " one second movie" on Facebook.  There is an app where you record one second each day for a year and then it creates a movie from your collection of one second videos.  It was so interesting that I decided to buy the app and make my own movie.  My friend's son is a professional; not only was his movie very good, he made it look easy.

He pointed out that this app, helped him to look for the good in each day.  It's true.  I am more observant.  I am always on guard for that moment--a second that is worthy of interest. But, for me, it also helped me to see that a random moment probably isn't so random.

And, perhaps I am learning that what I see has many more layers.  And, separating what I see from what I feel has tremendous value.  Maybe that is why I write.  Maybe seeing with my head and my heart are just as important to the story.  Maybe that is why I have so many questions. 

As the mother of a recovering addict and alcoholic, staying in each moment and realizing that I can't "see" beyond what is within the scope of my vision or the confines of my heart and mind has given me tremendous freedom.  It also helps me to be responsible with my moments--my seconds of each day that all too often, I tend to take for granted.

This post may be a bit random.  But, sometimes these seemingly arbitrary moments won't leave my thoughts.   When that happens, I usually know that there must be a nugget of value in them.  Why did my mind tie advice from a high school teacher to yesterday's news and a friend's FB post? 

To me this is fascinating.  It is a part of why I love to write.  I hope that you will capture what is special about your day and unearth what the moment has for you to learn.

Feeling grateful for the lessons learned in recovery and this community.  I'll take time today to pray for Henry--yours and mine.





 

Listen and Learn

Trapped. 

That is how I felt.  For the last eight weeks, I have had to fill in at my husband's office.  It is a forty-four hour work week, unless I don't finish the jobs that I normally do when we have another employee in the office or an emergency comes in.  Then it could easily stretch to a fifty hour work week.

Endlessly the phone rings to schedule appointments, ask for advice, give updates on their horses health or sometimes to complain about a bill.  Clients come in to pick up medications and love to talk without realizing that there is still lab work to get ready for pick up or shipments to unpack because someone is waiting on a medication.  I used to handle the stress far better.

My husband and I have been doing this for over twenty years and I am weary from it.  It is his passion, not mine.  But, it is our bread and butter.  I am grateful.  I'm just very tired and very burned out.

I had to take over at the office one week before I went to New Jersey to pitch a book that I have been working on for quite some time.  At first, I panicked.  Then I realized that I had given this outcome to God and so whatever was supposed to happen would.

In the midst of this heavy workload, my son decided to seek sobriety.  He decided.  There is such gratitude and a lot of trepidation. 

Be careful. 

Don't expect. 

Just be.

Breathe.

Then, I realize that for a few weeks, all three adult children will live with us.  There is more laundry.  There is less food.  The house is a big mess.  I find myself tensing up. 

On a Tuesday evening, after a nine hour day at work, cooking supper and running a load of clothes, I wanted nothing more than to put on my jammies and fall asleep on the couch to some mindless  television program. 

But, I have the key to the church where our Al-Anon meeting is held.  I knew that the others who have keys would not be there that night.  I'd like to say that I knew that I needed a meeting, but I was too tired to care.  I felt obligated.  So, gripping and complaining, I went.

The chairperson for the evening's meeting said that I had 'voluntold' her to chair the meeting.  I think that is how I got my service position.  It was either that or I didn't show up and so I was nominated and voted in.  I'm glad that she chaired because she did a marvelous job and it was just the meeting that I needed. 

Her topic was on the slogans.  She took all of the slogans that she could find from our conference approved literature (CAL), typed them up,cut them into strips, folded and put in a basket.  She asked for us each take a turn to choose a strip, look in the index of our book and find a reading on that topic and then read the reading and tell the group, how that topic applied to our day.

As always, there are no mistakes.  God always seems to choose just what we need.  I think he told me to 'shut up and listen, dad gummit.'  No, he told me to 'listen and learn.'  Boy, oh boy is that exactly what I need.

I kept my slip of paper.  I am using it as a book mark. 

I'm glad I spent those eight weeks at the clinic.  I was able to clean up a lot of things that needed dealing with.  I was able to find a smart young girl who is happy to work there. 

My son decided to get sober, dealt with some things he needed to deal with and has chosen sober living.  He chose. 

My daughters and I have spent some time talking through some hard things that needed dealing with.

My husband and I are working through things we've needed to deal with for a long time. 

Before, I would have felt very sorry for myself.  I still did at first. 

But, then I decided to 'listen'--what am I being told to look at,  in this situation?  And, 'learn' --how am I to respond in a way that I am being led?

Like those who suffer from addictions, I too, don't really like to deal with things.  I'm learning.  It is hopeful.  My HP does a pretty good job, if I will let Him. 

I'm grateful to have my time at home again.  Lucy, my doxie is too.  We take our walks each morning.  She is careful to sniff and see who has been on "her walk".  She tells the big dogs in the neighborhood to, "Back off" when they bark at us.  And we are both grateful for our time of prayer and meditation.  Her snoring is somehow soothing as I pray.

I may have been gone, but, I did not stop praying for Henry, mine and yours.




 

Looking Back on the Past

I just printed off all of the blog posts that I have written since the beginning.  Two hundred forty-four, single spaced pages.  Sometimes I don't like going back to read because it's so hard.  Sometimes I do because I am able to see some progress.  I'm going to go have it collated.  Here is the proof....proof of a long fought battle for quiet acceptance, proof that our awareness was awakened and continues to grow, proof that in a empty space that mainly housed only me and my fears, now resides a  space full of love of God and his will, with me close by allowing him to show me the way to myself. I wonder if any of you guys have ever done the same? 

A new session has begun at the jail.  I met the ladies for the first time on Thursday.  I am only offering a creative writing workshop this time.  I am relieved that I am not facilitating a class that I do not feel qualified to teach.  I guess some could argue that I am not qualified to lead a writing workshop but my goal is mainly encouraging them to look in and question and effectively communicate with themselves and others. 

I watched a great segment on writing obituaries on Saturday.  I must admit that I love reading them.  There has to be some really great stories tucked in those interesting snapshots of a life.  I learned that in Great Britain, their obituaries aren't always flattering.  I've included one of my favorites to give you a "happy" for today. 

Yesterday I got to spend the entire day alone.  To many, that may sound lonely but to me, it is a necessary part of my sanity.  I need quiet to allow myself to look in and be present with my feelings.  Then, I am able to understand them, deal with them and let them go.  I'll probably turn into the odd little blue haired lady who kids are afraid of before it's over.  Oh well.

I'm beginning to day dream about warm coastal breezes.  I fantasize about winning the lottery and packing only an overnight bag and checking flights not for price but warmth, buying a one way flight and staying as long as I feel like it, shopping for the proper clothes when I get there, eating delicious food and taking a huge stake of books.  Can you imagine? 

The son seems to be making progress, lately.  He has a girlfriend who seems very nice.  He is paying bills on his own.  He is visiting family, hanging out with us, talking on the phone with friends while staying in the same room where we are ( I know that a lot of you get how big that is), trying to quit smoking and making future plans. 

Big Sister is working as a vet assistant until the fall when graduate school begins.  She is paying her own way which was a little shocking to her at first but I'm really proud of the job she is doing.  She is even replacing the tires on her car this week.  That is a big financial burden off our plate.  I'm really proud of her.

Little Sister is quite excited about nursing school.  I purchased hot dogs at the grocery store so that she could practice IP shots!!  It's so funny to look at these kids that I remember so vividly as the little characters now enter adulthood taking on grown up responsibilities.  It's been great finally letting them go.  They are so much more than I could ever force them to be.......

This reason we are all here is the darndest thing, isn't it?  It almost broke us and yet, it has changed things in the most wonderful ways.  I guess that is what I will look for when I read about the past. 

Praying for Henry, my family and yours. 





 

The Journey

A chronic disease is like a marathon.  Anyone who suffers from one knows this for sure.  Addiction, I think like cancer or cystic fibrosis, drags the family along in tow.  I have always felt that this is a journey that no one wanted to take.

A journey suggests that this will take us from one place to the next.  And, so it does.  In the beginning I wanted direction from anyone who could help.  Then, I tried employing only the boundaries I discovered in the recovery communities.  Now, I look to my faith to help me out in the gray areas.

I recently met with my friend Lou.  I told her that we (our family) had helped my son "one last time".  She said that she hoped it wasn't the last time.  And when I tried to apologize for something that I'd done with my son, she told me to quit apologizing.  When she instantly, matter of factly (don't know if that's a word) said those words it was as if a 60 lb boulder was lifted from my shoulders.

If he is using, he will go.  If he is trying to recover do I just stay away?  For now, I have decided to go with my intuition.  I have decided to go with prayer.  I am trying to remember that parable of the man forgiving his servant not 7 times but  77 times.  I am trying to remember that loving my neighbor as myself and the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and mind can never steer me wrong.

This does not mean that I'm allowing him to move in, ever or that I will give him money.  It just means that I will not be sorry for forgiving after disappointment or for loving him no matter what he does or where he goes. 

This is my newest milestone.  This is a place where control and fear are not allowed to enter.  This is a place of holy indifference. 

Today, I am thankful for the peace and joy provided when I am at a point where I can no longer keep moving forward without God's grace.  I am thankful for great friends who are pretty good at throwing a tow line.  I am thankful that God is the one doing the heavy lifting on this one.  I pray so hard and without ceasing for healing for our addicted loved ones.  I pray for the miracle of love to engulf them so that a substance will never compare.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Enable or Contribute?????

One of the things that my son still fussed about was our decision to kick him out while he was using.  The other day, we found out about someone we knew who had a history of drug use.  Me, hubby and son were lamenting his situation.  Both hubby and I were questioning why they would allow him to live there without a job knowing that he was still using.

I said, "as hard as it is, kicking him out might be the only way to get him back."  Son asked, "why?"  I said, " because allowing him to live there gives him the freedom to use any money towards using instead of living."  "By contributing food and lodging, he can use his money to use."  "They are contributing to his ability to use."  "I get it,"  he said.  I agree with that.  Wow.  As Oprah would say....an Ah Ha moment for sure. 

Today I say a prayer of thanksgiving for connections, second, third, and fourth chances (mine too), and strength for the day.  I pray for this young man in this story and all those known and unknown who walk this terrible path with him.  I pray for direction for their parents and as always a prayer for Henry.

On Hallowed Ground...

I have always looked for truth.  It's kind of like organization;  it's something to reach for but hard to find, for me, anyways.  I grew up a southern Baptist.  I moved near Lake Erie and went the non denominational route, moved back to the south, thrilled to have my Baptist church back only to realize that no, I couldn't go home again.  Then I tried the Methodist Church which led me home to the Catholic church.

I love my church.  I love the church because it immerses me in the history of Jesus.  I love the rituals that help me to quiet myself enough to hear the whisper of God.  I love the incense,  symbolic of the prayers I pray, breathing the fragrance in allowing it to permeate me before I release it up to the heavens.  I love following the liturgical year, helping me to connect to a path that Jesus might have taken.

With all of that being said, I have great respect for the journey of others.  I think that we all have to follow our own paths to truth.  What I have begun to notice is the "hallowed ground" in this blogging community.  I have realized that the members of this community are those who have seen some of the most difficult things ever.  And, without shame or pretension, they have learned to look beyond.  The members of this "club" have usually been touched to such a degree that there is little judgement, greater compassion, no superficiality, and greater clarity. 

We have all been broken.  Broken to the point that we have let go of pride, unrealistic and unimportant notions of how things "should be" and with some of the crap out of the way see things with a extreme sense of clarity.  This clarity helps us to see the "least of these" with new eyes,  minus all of the labels and lack of hope that I might have had just a few years back.  I think I've found some hallowed ground here and I walk it with great respect and honor for those who walk it with me.

Today I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for the wonderful community that I find myself in.  I pray for our addicted loved ones both active and in recovery and for their families.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

Another Fresh Start....

I used to think of the new year as a fresh start, which really never brought what I had imagined.  Addiction and AlAnon have taught me that each day is a fresh new start.  Each slip isn't a failure but something to be learned from and be built upon.  Perfection is a myth.  If life is going smoothly, I'm probably not learning a lot.  Hurdles will always be there.  These are all things that took me 47 years to learn and accept. 

This last year was one of sobriety(for the most part) for my son.  It wasn't hearts and butterflies.  But, it was better.  I learned a lot.  So I'd like to share with you the top ten important lessons that 2011 taught me.

10.  Look beyond.  In other words look deeper than the surface.  You usually find something beautiful.

9.  Judging only puts up walls.

8.  My way is not the only way. 

7.  I am thankful to NOT be in control.

6.  I need to look beyond the anger...

5.  Taking care of myself is a gift to my family.

4.  Beauty really is in the simple and small things.

3.  I've missed a lot worrying about the future.

2.  Prayer is the best weapon I have.

1.  As the Beatles said, "All you need is love".  Unconditional love that is.  Unconditional love, not enabling, heals unlike any drug, therapy, or balm. 

Finding Me Day 11

I'm a little behind on posting but today I took a look back at my blog.  I looked at my very first post,  then a few others.  I was struck by just how lucky I really am.   Because of the journey I've been on, I've had a paradigm shift...... a much needed one. 

I keep thinking of Dr. Martin Luther King's famous quote where his wish for his kids is that they will be judged by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin.  If I am honest, I must admit to being judgemental for all kinds of ridiculous things.  While I may not judge for skin color, I have judged for messy rooms, bad grades, the way things "look", and a host of ridiculous things that my kids have about as much control over as MLK's kids had control over their skin color. 

One of the gifts of this journey is fresh eyes.  Today, I see that my kids are so marvelous.  It took my getting out of their way to see who they really are.  My son inspires me.  When I look at the changes he has made, I am so impressed.  He has a serious work ethic.  His sense of humor leaves me in stitches.  And, if he weren't my son and I was his age, I'd want to be his friend because of how great he is.  I know that when I need him, he'll be there for me. 

My oldest daughter has this tough exterior but a soft vulnerable soul.  I think she's the only one who doesn't see how special she is.  She is so gifted at so many things that she could really take her pick of occupations.  But, caring for others is her specialty...sometimes to the detriment of herself. 

My youngest daughter is this little ray of sunshine.  She is quiet but she can pack a punch.  She is very thoughful and detail oriented.  Because of health problems, she has the wisdom of an old soul.

My husband and I are doing something that I am so proud of.  We are going to marriage counseling.  A lot of folks consider those who are in counseling to be those who are in trouble.  I think those who are in counseling to be those who love each other and their kids enough to realize the need to do things right for the rest of their lives. 

Counseling has made me realize that every person just needs to feel loved, needs to belong to others, needs to be appreciated for their unique gifts, needs to be heard.....needs to be loved! 

I am so blessed.  My new eyes don't look at the world anymore.  And, it's amazing because what's inside of my house is far better than anything outside of it.  I have a husband who is working so hard both at work and at home to build our family up.  I've got these three great young adult children.  Watching them find their way in life is like watching the bud of a rose unfold.  The content of their character makes me so proud. 

If I can pass along one thing it is this.....look deeply at what is important and then cherish it, nourish it and be grateful for it.  Today I share my favorite prayer with you and I'll throw in a prayer for Henry.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Finding Me Day 10

"God will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness."

Just one month before addiction came out of the closet, my son had surgery.  He had tonsils and adenoids removed and septum corrected.  The day we brought him home, it was like dealing with a mentally ill patient.   He was in a panic and his Dad was hiding the pain pills.  No one knew what to do.  I decided that he was just afraid so I went to his room and talked him down.  I decided that even as horrible as he was that I would go in there and ignore his ugly words and just "be mom" to my son.  I had my husband bring a lazy boy recliner up there and I stayed there for 3-4 days and nights.  In many ways that decision was a gift. 

This decision to just love and care for my son brought back a closeness that I hadn't had in such a long time.  I fed him and told him stories.  We watched tv together.  He actually got me hooked on "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" and "Pickers".  We watched "Intervention" where he told me what a terribly sad show that was.  I found that odd.  I was thinking of it as hopeful but he told me that most of them would never get off the drugs.  And, still I didn't or couldn't see the handwriting on the wall. Anyway, this time together is in part why I believe that he agreed to go to rehab.

The day that my husband told me that our son had to be addicted to drugs, I looked at him like he had three heads and said, "Get Out!!  I mean it Get Out!  You will not tear my boy down."  And, in that moment, I meant it.  You see that time together was something that I never imagined having again.  I could not tell you why.  Subconsciously, I could but I hadn't been willing to look very deep.  I still remember that anger (fear) of those words and the primal need to protect my baby.  I could have taken my husband out.  Four hours later, I agreed with him.

This incident reminded me of a story that my  family has told all of my life.  I am the youngest of six children and my oldest two brothers went to Viet Nam when I was 4 yrs old.  One was in the army and one was a marine.  My mother thought that if a sheriff showed up it was only to notify the family of a death.  So, when the sheriff drove down our driveway, she ran out the front door and started screaming for them to "get off her property!"  and taking off one show and throwing it at them and then the other before bursting into tears, barefoot on the front porch.  Later we learned that my brother was wounded by sniper fire and was being sent back to the states. 

Friday night, I spoke with a family who is just beginning this journey that none of us wanted to take.  She kept asking if she should drug test him to see if he was still using.  When I asked her how much money he made and what bills he had (none) and what he had to show for the money he was making(nothing), then I said unless you want to know what he's on, no what else could he spend that much on.  I kept pointing out obvious things that I too ignored in the beginning that seemed to be so hard to accept for her. 

This primal notion of mothering is so strong.  And, I've had a few ask how I could do the things that I've done.  I think it's about changing your perception of caring.  Caring for an addict requires some counter intuitive thinking.  Caring for an addict requires a dumping of pride.  It requires rolling up your sleeves and fighting with the devil.  You need to separate the addiction from the child and fight against addiction while fighting for the child.  It is a job not for the faint of heart.  It is something that I could not have done without prayer and God's strength. 

Today, I pray for this family to have the courage to let go and let God.  I pray for my new blogger friends in their recovery journey.  I pray for the Mom's and Dads who have lost their loved ones.  I pray for those who still fight for their loved ones.  And, I say a prayer for the soul of Henry, my grandfather. 

"Reality is For People Who Can't Handle Drugs"

I asked my son if he ever watched "Celebrity Rehab"?  He said, "I have but I hate that show."  "Those guys are all narcissistic." I looked at him a little surprised and said, "well, I think that 's probably the norm for those suffering from this problem."  Now he looks at me a little shocked.  Then he says, " I hate that Dr. Drew, he is just getting a lot of publicity off of that stuff."  To which I reply, " I love him."  "There are so many stigmas attached to addiction and he is bringing light to others who don't really understand it."  "He has helped me to understand some of your behaviors along the way."  There was no argument.  There was just a little stunned silence. 

Perception is defined as becoming aware of, knowing or identifying by means of the senses, mind or cognition.  I read an article on a study of artists and non artists.  The study looked at how much time each spent on looking at an object and the amount of retention each had.  Oddly, the artists spent far less time and acquired a lot more details than the non artist. 

Our perception can change just based on our vantage point.  It can be changed based on light or our ability to see things for what they really are   If we zoom in on just one aspect of what we see, we will miss the bigger picture.  If we zoom out we may miss some tiny details.  Perception is huge.  I have started questioning what I think I see.  I think my view has many biases.  I think it is distorted from time to time.  It is only focused on what I want to look at. 

I think that a lot of brokenness comes from faulty perceptions.  We sometimes rely on others to define what is good or bad.  People don't always meet our expectations.  Even if they aren't aware of what our expectations are.  We might depend on money, job, romance, social standing or others to perceive that we are loved or successful.  Being dependent on others will always fail you.  Being dependent on substances will always fail you.  Being dependent on money will always fail you.  Being dependent on success will always fail you.  Being dependent on God is the only answer.  When you let go of dependency on everything but God, the frame zooms out offering so many more opportunities without losing focus on the little details.

We are all sick, just like the addict, unless we understand that God thinks we're just perfect for what he designed us to be.  Unless, we are willing to give up our "drug of choice" and try and follow his will for us.  Unless we become like little children, totally dependant on him.  Then, light will flood your heart, soul and mind.  Your vision will improve.  Your cup will runneth over.

We learn so much through suffering.  No one wants to go through it.  But, if we can let go and just walk through the pain asking God to lead us through it, then it is so much better than trying to avoid it.  We might actually learn that God will help us.  He will help us to survive it.  He will teach us things along the way.  He wants us to use it to help others. 

Today, my prayer is for an increase in light for all who read this.  I pray that each of you have the strength to let go.  I promise that God handles it better.  Let him take your yoke.  Ask him to forgive you for any offenses and ask him to light your way.  I pray for all those who suffer and most especially for Henry.


"If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite."  William Blake