Draw What You See

Sirens racing past.  Two police cars, another unmarked and one ambulance.  I'm picking up dinner as I see them pass, wondering what could be going on in our small town.  The ten o'clock news reveals that there is a hostage situation at our county jail.  It is the same county jail that I have volunteered at for the last five years.  It is where I will be in just a few short hours.

A local detective who has worked closely with animal control has been placed on administrative leave without pay, pending investigation of misconduct.  My husband has worked with him for years.  He has always respected him. 

In high school, I took an art class.  I wanted desperately to be an artist.  But, I could not draw.  I was a serious coloring book aficionado, growing up.  But, drawing left me frustrated.  In our very first class, the teacher gave us each a huge sketching pad and pencil, placed an object in the front of the room and said, "draw what you see." 

That was it.  As she walked around the room, I stopped her and said, "I just can't seem to do this."  She looked at me and smiled, "draw what you see."  And that is all that I got for the rest of the year.

It wasn't until I began to write and I was told, "Don't tell me, show me", that I started to understand my problem.  As I began to put on paper what I actually saw, separating it from the way that I felt, I realized how often I saw with my head instead of my eyes. 

What do I actually see?  How has my perception colored what is?

A friend posted her son's " one second movie" on Facebook.  There is an app where you record one second each day for a year and then it creates a movie from your collection of one second videos.  It was so interesting that I decided to buy the app and make my own movie.  My friend's son is a professional; not only was his movie very good, he made it look easy.

He pointed out that this app, helped him to look for the good in each day.  It's true.  I am more observant.  I am always on guard for that moment--a second that is worthy of interest. But, for me, it also helped me to see that a random moment probably isn't so random.

And, perhaps I am learning that what I see has many more layers.  And, separating what I see from what I feel has tremendous value.  Maybe that is why I write.  Maybe seeing with my head and my heart are just as important to the story.  Maybe that is why I have so many questions. 

As the mother of a recovering addict and alcoholic, staying in each moment and realizing that I can't "see" beyond what is within the scope of my vision or the confines of my heart and mind has given me tremendous freedom.  It also helps me to be responsible with my moments--my seconds of each day that all too often, I tend to take for granted.

This post may be a bit random.  But, sometimes these seemingly arbitrary moments won't leave my thoughts.   When that happens, I usually know that there must be a nugget of value in them.  Why did my mind tie advice from a high school teacher to yesterday's news and a friend's FB post? 

To me this is fascinating.  It is a part of why I love to write.  I hope that you will capture what is special about your day and unearth what the moment has for you to learn.

Feeling grateful for the lessons learned in recovery and this community.  I'll take time today to pray for Henry--yours and mine.





 

Numb

"Well Mama, I think we have finally become numb."  The Dad said over our lunch, last Friday.
We were traveling to Columbus Ohio to the Dad's thirty year veterinary school reunion when I received a call from a bail bondsman letting me know that the son had been arrested for a DUI, his second in a month.

The Son has worked very hard to stay off of drugs.  But, he hasn't yet accepted his powerlessness over alcohol.  We did not bail him out, this time.  We did not try to manage his consequences.  This time, we tried to manage our lives, instead.

As I sat over lunch I thought about it, numb was the perfect adjective.  I didn't feel anything.  I didn't feel the panic, that I might have felt early on.  I didn't feel all that surprised.  Parents/loved ones know when the distance of addiction is present.  And, we know that something is probably brewing just over the horizon.

Instead of changing our plans to hover over the latest crisis, we went on our trip, taking in each activity with gratitude.  We stopped for lunch at a Jerry's restaurant, one that we had eaten at many times while growing up because it was the only restaurant in Elizabethtown KY.  I'd like to say that we didn't worry at all, but you would all know how impossibly untrue that can be. 

We stopped in Lexington Kentucky at the historic Keeneland Race Course and watched a few races while enjoying the beautiful sunshine that blanketed the still green pastures of central Kentucky.  From there we headed north and once we crossed the Ohio river we took in a little Cincinnati style chili at Skyline Chili.  Finally we finished our journey north by arriving at our hotel in Columbus.

The next morning after breakfast, we went to the All American Quarter Horse Congress, a show that is the culmination of all of the American Quarter Horse show season where the best of the best compete.  When my mind tried to return to the illusion of what I'd like to control, I would try to steer it in the direction of  'what am I to learn from today for my life.'  Then we had a little Rotola's pizza, the Dad's favorite from vet school and a trip to Barnes and Noble--what trip is complete without a new book or two?

We went back to the room and I read while he watched THE Ohio State cream Rutgers.  Then we headed to the reunion.  We visited and chatted.  Most were strangers to me.  At one point the Dad whispered in my ear, " Are you okay?"

Quite automatically I responded, "Yes, I am, now that I know who I am."

I'm not sure why that came out.  But, if I think about it, knowing who you really are instead of being the extension of others releases any fear that I might have had before. 

Post addiction, I can go to the reunion and see those who are posturing and think, "Bless their hearts" and enjoy those who are just want to touch base with old classmates.  Knowing who I am is a perpetual exercise in understanding intention.

That exercise allowed me to come to a place where I can let this place that we find ourselves in be about recognizing that this is his disease to figure out.  I will love him....enough to stop offering advice.  I will trust enough that I will allow him the space to feel God's presence and help. 

Numb, yes to the old fears and worries but yet hopeful.  Hopeful that like me, he will start to know who and whose he is and finally to know that that is all that really matters.

Praying for us all.  Praying for Henry.





 

The Glass IS Half Full Today

Today I had an early morning doctor's appointment.  It took me 1 1/2 hrs to drive there.  It should have taken 45 minutes.  When I left the appointment, a funny smell started coming out of my air conditioner vent and then my air conditioner quit working.  It was 90 degrees Fahrenheit.  Then, I stopped to get gas and I stepped over the gas line to shade the area where you punch in your credit card info so that I could see it and I tripped over the gas line.  Miss twenty something was on the pump on the other side.  She had on workout clothes and was slim, trim, and fit.  She saw me fall flat on my face stubbing my big toe (which still throbs!).

I still didn't make it home in time to attack the pile on my desk.  Two house showings in three days has robbed me of the pleasure of checking items off my list.  And, to add insult to injury mine and my husband's cell phones are on the blink.

But, my son called and talked about having a dream about a devastating accident at work that involved a death.  It bothered him so much that he was extra careful when he had to use that piece of equipment.  Then at work, a similar accident happened but no one was hurt.  He told he how after the dream, he had been doing a lot of praying.  "That, I said, was the Holy Spirit!   How cool is that?"  "Pretty cool he says.  I've been praying so much lately."  Cool indeed.  And definitely the path to recovery.  My cup is more than half full.  It runneth over with words like those.

Today I bathe in thankfulness.  I pray for all of you and for your loved ones and for Henry.

Today,
 

Grateful Easter

I've been a little stuck lately .......having a marathon pity party.  But, I think I'm mostly over myself now...at least for today, right?  It's Easter season and there is so much to be thankful for.  So, here goes...

1.  A power greater than myself.

2.  Never giving up at recovery.

3.  Babies both animal and human.

4.  Bare bones honesty (which I find so much of in this community.)

5.  Moments of Quiet.

6.  Adult children.

7.  Trips to the beach.

8.  Hubby who is trying desperately to learn and grow.

9.  Parents who loved me enough that I still know it without question.

10.  The wisdom gleaned from this awful experience with addiction.

And Henry, a prayer for you on this Easter weekend.

Grumpy Old Woman....

I've been absent for a while.  Hubby is a horse vet and this is the beginning of our busy season.....thanks be to God.  The economy and a tornado a few years back have not been kind to our business. Add Son's slip into our already hectic lives...... a bit like an aftershock, sending us rocking and rolling a bit. 

Luckily, boundaries kicked in at warp speed and his experience with the enforcement of previous boundaries and his level of sobriety and God's grace all helped to curb that storm.

I'm trying so hard to "find" myself.  I keep trying to quit, get fired, retire....maybe like Klinger on Mash, I'll shoot for a section 8?  Any ideas on how to lose your job when you work for the hubby?  Our new girl was just finding her groove when a better offer came along.  Now, I'll be there more than ever. 

The job itself isn't terrible, it's just not "my" thing.  Perhaps it's selfish but I want to do my own thing for once.  I've been mom for 23 yrs and wife for almost 26 yrs.  I've worked for hubby for 18 yrs and been Doc's wife.  I'd just like to figure out who I am while I can still remember! 

I am frustrated with working for some of those privileged clients who stamp their feet wanting what they want, when they want it and threatening   reminding me just how much money they've given to my cause.  It feels like I've sold my soul to the company store. 

I'm frustrated with those who come in hoping to "wow" us with their knowledge.  I like an educated owner who cares for their horses.  A"natural horsemanship" owner came in telling me that she had a book and had figured out what her horses problem was the night before she came in (kept wondering why she came in).   She brought "the book" and ran around the clinic reading sections of it to hubby's assistant and she doesn't get the whole personal bubble thing....  She has her hay analyzed and supplements with all sorts of things she feels are missing.  Purina Feed Mills and their decades of studies have nothing on this person.  I doubt those horses in the wild supplement with sunflower seed and beet pulp.  Seems to me that her natural horsemanship is about as natural as reality TV is real...but that's just me.

I am sick and tired of those women who come in treating me like the help while going overboard being syrupy sweet to hubby.  Do you think that having to put up with watching that  will strike out some of my time in Purgatory?  I think I deserve it, what about you?

Maybe it's burnout.  Maybe I'm not very charitable.  Maybe I should go back to school and get a psychology degree and keep working here.  It would be a magnificent research opportunity.  I know God has a plan for me.  I just can't for the life of me imagine where he's taking me.  And, I'm highly impatient. 

Today I say a prayer of Thanksgiving for progress and not perfection.  I say a prayer for patience and direction.  And I say a prayer for Henry. 

PS Just read "The Camel Knows the Way" by Lorna Kelly  Great book about Lorna Kelly who was the first woman auctioneer at New York's Sotheby's who volunteered in the slums of Calcutta with Mother Teresa.  She is a recovering addict who was brave enough to write about her character defects and an experience and woman who changed the way she looked at her life. 

Lenten Practices

I met with my girls on Friday for lunch.  Sometimes I worry about them because so much emphasis has been put on their brothers addiction.  Now that he is in a better place, they are away at school.  But Friday was a day where I could look at just how great they really are. 

It is lent and as young adults they now have the freedom (or not) to practice the faith.  We had a nice lunch with the Dad and his assistant.  We had a great time.  We listened to all sorts of animated tales.  The oldest tried to help a friend who suffers from depression.  The friend wasn't ready to hear about it or to want help.  She was very distressed at how angry the friend was with her.  Later I said to her that perhaps forgiving and letting go of this friend until or unless she was ready would be a good Lenten exercise for her.

Quietly, she said she would think about it.  Then both girls excitedly told me how each day they would mention two things that they were grateful for and that they were praying for hateful people!!  I have to say that it really warmed my heart.  My young adult daughters had that childlike exuberance about their plan which came about when a friend cried because someone was so hateful to her.  So, they decided to pray for those who are hateful!!!  Pretty mature.....don't ya think?  Wouldn't it be great if world leaders and politicians felt this way? 

Today I am thankful for my girls.  I am thankful that they fight for right over wrong and are willing to consider doing the hard things.  I am thankful for my Lenten journey and I pray for Henry.

Another Fresh Start....

I used to think of the new year as a fresh start, which really never brought what I had imagined.  Addiction and AlAnon have taught me that each day is a fresh new start.  Each slip isn't a failure but something to be learned from and be built upon.  Perfection is a myth.  If life is going smoothly, I'm probably not learning a lot.  Hurdles will always be there.  These are all things that took me 47 years to learn and accept. 

This last year was one of sobriety(for the most part) for my son.  It wasn't hearts and butterflies.  But, it was better.  I learned a lot.  So I'd like to share with you the top ten important lessons that 2011 taught me.

10.  Look beyond.  In other words look deeper than the surface.  You usually find something beautiful.

9.  Judging only puts up walls.

8.  My way is not the only way. 

7.  I am thankful to NOT be in control.

6.  I need to look beyond the anger...

5.  Taking care of myself is a gift to my family.

4.  Beauty really is in the simple and small things.

3.  I've missed a lot worrying about the future.

2.  Prayer is the best weapon I have.

1.  As the Beatles said, "All you need is love".  Unconditional love that is.  Unconditional love, not enabling, heals unlike any drug, therapy, or balm. 

New Delivery....

Okay,  so I delivered my first dog bed today and I was a little nervous but he ended up really liking it.  I was so relieved.  Then I met a man who does a little upholstery on the side.  He is going to help me upholster a canopy bed I'm working on....pictures to follow.  When I showed him the fabric I had picked out he got so excited.  This new hobby/job...who knows what it is or will be, brings such joy and fun.  I am so thankful and I just wanted to share it with you guy,  my "in the trenches" friends.  It is so odd how I know so little and yet so much about you all. 

My prayers today are of thanksgiving for sobriety, my new friends, my new joy and the ability to hope for much better times.  I pray for your sons and daughters and Henry, as always.

Finding Me Day 11

I'm a little behind on posting but today I took a look back at my blog.  I looked at my very first post,  then a few others.  I was struck by just how lucky I really am.   Because of the journey I've been on, I've had a paradigm shift...... a much needed one. 

I keep thinking of Dr. Martin Luther King's famous quote where his wish for his kids is that they will be judged by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin.  If I am honest, I must admit to being judgemental for all kinds of ridiculous things.  While I may not judge for skin color, I have judged for messy rooms, bad grades, the way things "look", and a host of ridiculous things that my kids have about as much control over as MLK's kids had control over their skin color. 

One of the gifts of this journey is fresh eyes.  Today, I see that my kids are so marvelous.  It took my getting out of their way to see who they really are.  My son inspires me.  When I look at the changes he has made, I am so impressed.  He has a serious work ethic.  His sense of humor leaves me in stitches.  And, if he weren't my son and I was his age, I'd want to be his friend because of how great he is.  I know that when I need him, he'll be there for me. 

My oldest daughter has this tough exterior but a soft vulnerable soul.  I think she's the only one who doesn't see how special she is.  She is so gifted at so many things that she could really take her pick of occupations.  But, caring for others is her specialty...sometimes to the detriment of herself. 

My youngest daughter is this little ray of sunshine.  She is quiet but she can pack a punch.  She is very thoughful and detail oriented.  Because of health problems, she has the wisdom of an old soul.

My husband and I are doing something that I am so proud of.  We are going to marriage counseling.  A lot of folks consider those who are in counseling to be those who are in trouble.  I think those who are in counseling to be those who love each other and their kids enough to realize the need to do things right for the rest of their lives. 

Counseling has made me realize that every person just needs to feel loved, needs to belong to others, needs to be appreciated for their unique gifts, needs to be heard.....needs to be loved! 

I am so blessed.  My new eyes don't look at the world anymore.  And, it's amazing because what's inside of my house is far better than anything outside of it.  I have a husband who is working so hard both at work and at home to build our family up.  I've got these three great young adult children.  Watching them find their way in life is like watching the bud of a rose unfold.  The content of their character makes me so proud. 

If I can pass along one thing it is this.....look deeply at what is important and then cherish it, nourish it and be grateful for it.  Today I share my favorite prayer with you and I'll throw in a prayer for Henry.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Finding Me Day8

"What we do is just a drop of water in the ocean, but remember, the ocean could have been deprived of that little drop of water."  Mother Teresa

Addiction and recovery are spoken of as a journey.  But, our very lives, even if addiction weren't a part of them are also a journey.  We learn through travel.  Traveling requires movement or action.  We can travel like a lame duck and go in a circle.  This is where it's important to accept and be aware that old ways of doing business are taking us to the same destination....nowhere. 

We can travel to new places trying out new things, to see what brings us growth, joy or peace.  One of the most profound lessons that the disease of addiction has taught me is in the appreciation for the little things.  I used to avoid changing because I thought that it meant there needed to be this huge change.  I didn't do things differently because I couldn't appreciate or probably understand the difference that just one little thing makes. 

Mother Teresa is said to have met a very wealthy woman in India who wanted to contribute to the Missionaries of Charity work.  She wanted to make a large demonstrative gift to the Home for the Dying.  Mother Teresa asked her not to do that but instead to buy less expensive saris and the money that she saved she would appreciate very much as a donation.  This act taught her to live daily small acts of charity.

I've always loved the idea of this but have been unsure of how to go about doing it.  I think that God has been trying to send me a tool kit lately and I am so grateful.  It started out with my best friend, the mom to 8 children, 5 of which are adopted.  We usually talk daily in our effort to solve the worlds problems.  She has often mentioned reactive attachment disorder with regard to some of her kids from hard places.  She went to a conference this weekend about attachment needs and tools for healing attachment issues.  Then when hubby and I started counseling our therapy is attachment based.  Then I read a blogging buddy's post about a book on addiction where attachment issues are studied as a root cause of addiction.  I liked that so much that I looked up the authors other works and he had a book on ADD and attachment. 

I don't think this is a coincidence.  Attachment can be healed with many small acts over time that give safety and security to our loved ones.  Eye contact, listening with both your ears and your heart and so many other little things heal.  I am so excited that I read a chapter for about 3 or 4 different books each day. 

Today I am thankful for all of those messengers pointing me in the direction that I need to take.  I pray for the understanding necessary to use this new information.  I pray that we all learn the value of the small acts of love.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself."  Ralph Waldo Emerson


 

Finding Me Day 2

"Poverty doesn't only consist of being hungry for bread, but rather it is a tremendous hunger for human dignity."



I've done a little research on self discovery.  It seems rather odd that I'd need to research who I am but that just about sums up how my life works.  I tease my friend about what a paradox she is and I find that I too may be living in the same conflicting world.

Anyway, in my research, I am told to use my senses to find what brings me joy.  That is easy for sights, smells and tastes, but touch can involve more than the physical touch and hearing can be layered with more than just the words spoken. 

 I tried to remember the times where I felt like I was doing something needed.  In being needed, not used, I feel called to help.  It is an urging or longing.  Even though I'm not really qualified in any particular field of service, sometimes I think that we all just need someone to tell us we can do it. 

The picture above is of a pony foal named Sassy at 7 months old.  She had botulism.  Botulism can be contracted from any decaying matter, whether animal or vegetation (like rolled hay bales).  What happens is the virus (remember I am the vet's wife and didn't go to vet school and my memory seems to lapse more and more) causes the animal to be unable to stand or swallow.  The virus itself doesn't kill, it is the inability to eat or drink or pneumonia that usually kills. 

Sassy's owner didn't know if he could afford treatment and so I said to my husband, "Can't we try to save her if he chooses euthanasia?"  Long story short, we treated her and I do mean we because when you pass an NG tube to tube feed, it is good for the pony to be sternal so that the chance of aspiration is less.  So, his assistants and I would roll this pony's dead weight  up to a sitting position while he fed her 4 times a day for almost 3 weeks.

More than that I would visit her and brush her and cheer her on.  And when she was first able to nibble on her own, I would pull grass from outside for her to munch on.  It seemed to perk her up.I knew that if she survived, she'd be a fighter, and she is.  And, she's not afraid of anything!! 

Here is Sassy today.  I've got a "little" trainer for her and she entered her first dressage show as a 3 yr old this spring but she will probably be a little hunter/jumper when she's old enough.  Dr. Maya Angelou once said that what children need is for you to "light up" when they entered a room.  I wish I had heard that and understood the importance of that long ago.  I can't go back, but no matter their ages, I want to physically light up when they enter the room....because they do light me up....they just need to know that they matter, that they can do it.  I guess it doesn't take a degree to do that.  So, on day two, I'm gonna make an effort to show others how much dignity they have by making them feel like they matter.

Today, I am thankful for this one thing.  I pray for all of our children that they may know that no matter what their past, that they are so important.  I pray for continued strength and vision in this journey and I say a prayer for Henry.















































 

The Cat Can't Go Back in the Bag....

Addiction formally introduced itself to us this time (within 6 days) last year.  It had been there for quite a while, we just learned it's name.  A lot has happened since that time.  A lot of good; a lot of bad.  It is hard to hear things that you never want to learn.  It is hard to hear just how long recovery takes.  It's hard to accept that life can't be "Rockwellike".  But, it's not and it does. 

I remember going to my first AlAnon meeting and being both relieved and scared.  I was in a room with people who are dealing with addiction for the long haul.  That seemed so daunting.  But, they also gave me some incredible tools. 

Step one all by itself can move mountains.  Learning that God is the only one in control seems so obvious and yet I think few of us really believe it.  We don't understand the tentacles of control we all have and try to use.  When I finally started to understand this concept, it was a relief in a way. 

The 12 step program made me go in search of who I really am.  It allowed me to respect myself more as God's creation.  It made me less tolerant of status quo.

So, in honor of this milestone in my life, I move forward again to try to live in the best way possible by seeking counseling.  There is a little fear.  Like last year, it's difficult to face the hard stuff.  It's like getting on the scales after Christmas.  But, it is an effort to try to deal with this last part of my life in the most honest and healthy fashion possible.  I know so much more now.  I know now that when I get those intuitive twinges, it is dangerous to ignore them because you are afraid of what they mean.  It is always best to deal with things truthfully. 

Addiction has been my  wake up call.  It has made me do a lot of questioning in my life.  I now know that family is the reason I'm here.  I now know that my children (adult children now) are still the best gifts I've ever received.  I now know that I am willing to do whatever God wants me to do in order to follow His will.  I just don't know, practically speaking,  how to get there.  So, today, I go before an impartial person and ask for help and clarity.  I can't ever go back to living on the same path that brought me to this place. 

There are other options.  We just have to be willing to take them.  Despair isn't an option anymore.  It is wrong and suggests that I don't trust God to make this better.  My best friend gave me a kick in the backside and got me to look at those dangerous thoughts. 

Today I am thankful for surviving this most difficult year.  I am thankful that we aren't in the same place as last year.  I pray for clarity in following God's will.  I pray for the patience to remember to take my journey "one day at a time".  I pray for all of you affected by the disease of addiction.  I pray for my family's growth and I pray for Henry, as always.