Gifts of Addiction

I've been asked to chair the next Al Anon meeting.  That means you lead the meeting and choose a topic for discussion.  Sometimes I need to deal with something in particular such as fear.  But other times I thumb through the index and I wait to see what topic jumps out at me.  This week I didn't really have a pressing need to focus on a particular topic so I started to thumb through the index. 

There were several topics that jumped out at me.  I wrote each of the topics down on a piece of paper.  I thought that maybe I'd take some time to see if one topic spoke to me more than the others.  I believe that Al Anon works that way.  God will choose and I will deliver the topic.  I finally looked at my list and instead of looking at each individual item, I looked at the collection as a whole and realized that they were all gifts of addiction.  You might think that they are gifts of a twelve step program or gifts from my faith or gifts from counseling, but really if it hadn't been for the disease of addiction, I would not have sought the changes learned from each of those avenues. 

Addiction has changed me.  Addiction has made me humble, loving, mindful, accepting,  aware, present and grateful.  Addiction has taught me not to be afraid, judgmental, mind other people's business or expect. 

I'm so grateful that I am in process.  I don't think it ever would have happened without addiction.  Maybe it would have, but addiction did happen and I am changing as a result.  Make no mistake, I would never wish this disease on my son.  But, it did happen and I will be grateful for the gifts that were given in the midst of the heartbreak.  I was wondering if any of you all felt the same way.  If so, what one thing really changed about you?

On another note, I have lost 9.6 lbs....as of last Monday.  I will weigh in tomorrow afternoon at 4pm and I feel as though I've lost another 1-2 lbs.  I'll let you know later.  It is a slow process but I am thankful that I am facing a lifelong struggle. 

My niece just had her fourth child!  Her mom was an alcoholic.  I used to say that she was an alcoholic and my brother's drug of choice was her......I didn't know the term co dependent but I knew what it was....even then.  I'm going to go see her and take her dinner and a ODAT or Courage to Change.  I've never asked her as an adult how she dealt with it.  I guess we didn't talk about it much.  I think it's time I asked.  I'm praying for all of you.

Cussin'

Some people swear.  But, in the south, we cuss.  I have never really been much of a cusser (is that a word?).  My mother, born in 1923, NEVER cussed.  She actually wouldn't even fully spell a cuss word.  Doing so might actually mean that she'd cussed.  So, she'd spell exactly half the word and not one letter more. 

My dad grew up very poor and the son of an alcoholic.  He wanted more.  He would always tell me that it was easy to cuss but he was so proud of my Mama and what a "good" girl he'd managed to snag that he just felt like he could and would do better.  Instead, he made up cuss words.  "Dad dhasted" was among his favorites.  "Son of a Buck" was another...although I'm fairly sure that a buck is male, but I don't really guess that matters. 

My aunts used Sugar instead of that word referring to fecal matter.  I wonder why we feel such power when shouting out a term referring to excrement?  But, the one that is like nails on a chalk board to me is the "F bomb".  Did you know that "f bomb" actually made it into the dictionary this year?  It is a sad sign of our times, indeed.  Anyhow, I hate, hate, hate that one. 

In active addiction, my son, knowing of my adverse  reaction to that word once called after he'd been kicked out and he'd been drinking, and using his great creativity to use that particular word as a noun, verb, adjective and a host of other grammatical terms that I have forgotten the meaning to. 

On Friday, I confronted him about something that I thought he was lying about.  When he continued to stand by his story, I yelled from a place I was certain my parents were watching and shaking their collective heads in a "you know better than" motion, BULLSHIT!

If you really think about it, bullshit is like the plain ol shit on steroids.  I know this for fact as I live next door to cows.  Anyhow, I'm fairly certain that son swallowed his gum and his face went red and the whites of his eyes just about doubled in size.  He was so shocked.  Here was this boy who was obviously not shocked by much and yet me cussin at him almost knocked him over.  He could not let it go.  He brought it up 3-4 more times.

It kind of tickled me (after I felt guilty over stooping lower than I should have in a fit of anger).  It tickled me because even if I didn't realize it before, keeping my language clean, meant something to him.  You talk and talk to your kids but it's your day in and day out actions that are really who you are.  They are what they really notice.  It is a wake up call for me to build on that one good thing that I've got going.

Today, I am thankful for his standards for me.  I am thankful for great parents.  I am praying for all of you out there with your daily ups and downs and I'm praying for Henry.

Preconceived Notions.....

My daughter has epilepsy.  She is well controlled, now.  In the beginning, it was such a frightening thing to think about.

 My husband and I saw her condition in two entirely different ways.  Neither was wrong or right, just different. My husband being (a bit) older, remembers when some of the older folks, thought those who suffered from seizures were mad.  This caused him to want to hide her problem as a means of protection.  I felt that everyone needed to know in case something happened.  I didn't think too much about what others thought. 

This same daughter had scoliosis.   I took her into the orthopaedic surgeon who began asking about her medical history.  I mentioned her epilepsy and he quickly corrected me by saying, "seizure disorder" in a very stern voice.  He later said that he didn't want my 12 yr old to feel bad about the use of the word epilepsy.  I said, "she didn't have any reason to until just now."

I am not suggesting that my husband, who loves our daughter with all his heart and the surgeon, one of the most caring individuals I've ever met, were out of line.  It is a decision to weigh; Do I protect from ignorance or do I promote honesty while  chancing bias?

The same thoughtful consideration goes into whether or not to go public about the addict/alcoholic in our lives.  It's not really my story but it does affect me.  It is a careful line to walk. I want to share some thoughts that I have on the subject.

When my husband  and I first learned of our son's addiction, we didn't tell a soul.  We wanted to protect him and quite honestly, we were scared, ashamed, embarrassed and prideful.  It didn't take very long for those pasted on smiles to feel as though they weighed 1,000 lbs.  and each person who asked about him required a phony story which began to grow old. 

Then we decided to tell those family and friends that we were really close to.  It was amazing.  The support and relief were so consoling.  We began receiving a healing balm of extra prayers.  And, others began to open up about the alcoholic or addict in their life. 

  I have ADD.  I can't tell you how hard I work at NOT interrupting.  A thought will pop into my mind and it takes the strength of elephants to stop it from popping out of my mouth.  There are so many folks that love to crack the ADD jokes.  I was even in a counselors office recently, who told me how many times I had interrupted her and that I talk too much. 

My point is this, we all have something.  And, we will most likely be judged for it and any other preconceived notion a person might have about us.  But, I think that shedding light on any problem is the first step to freedom.  Letting that secret out, strips it's power. 

For a long time I suspected my son had problems with drugs.  I felt that saying it out loud made it true.  Sticking my head in the sand, made it true.  Admitting it might have started a firestorm, but it was a firestorm to healing. 

However you wish to handle your story, at the very least, take it to our Lord in prayer.  He knows how tired you are and is willing to take on your yoke.  There is a lot of traffic on this blog and very few followers.  I suspect it is because this subject matter is so hard.  I write anonymously myself.  It is a means of saying out loud, to God, that I am here and I am taking on these problems.  It is a way of talking about the loneliness of this problem.  It is a way of talking about the fear of loss.  It is my way of being heard.  I encourage you to find a way of being heard. 

Today I pray for all who suffer from isolation because of addiction or alcohol;  that they will have the courage to take back their lives by turning on the light.  I pray for the addict and alcoholic, that they allow God to teach them the lessons that they need for today.  I pray that we all try to look beyond any preconceived notions we might have.  And, I pray for Henry.