God Has a Sense of Humor

I walk my little doxie, Lucy, every morning.  The length of our stroll is dependent upon the temperature, humidity and lately a neighbor that I will refer to as 'Mrs. Kravitz'. 

Until last week Mrs. K has only walked on occasion.  And, when she does, you will no doubt learn a lot about her life, who our other neighbors are, what they and their children are doing. 

The last time I lucked into such a meeting, we had just begun our walk and as she started talking my little Lucy did her business.

 Mrs. K said, " now you need to bag that up."

"Since it's an empty lot, I usually wait until I'm on my way home and then bag and grab it.  That way I don't have to carry it all the way through the neighborhood."  I replied.

"If you bag it now, you can lay the bag on the curb, that way you won't forget it, and will see it and can grab it on your way back."  She said.

It's hard to break old habits.  So, I bagged the poop and laid it on the curb, all the while listening to her remind me what a great idea that was.  My twelve step brain was so angry.  Why do I automatically try to please others?  Why didn't I just say, " that's a great way of doing it too" and just continue walking?

I've taken to looking out both doors before leaving and if she is on her walk, I just wait.  How silly is that?  Then one day last week, after I Lucy and I took our walk, I decided to put some day lilies in the ground before I took my shower and guess who was rounding the corner?

Inside, my youngest was having breakfast.  She heard me mumbling about what to do because I really needed to get them planted and get moving to get to a morning appointment. 

"What is going on"?  She asked.

"Oh, Mrs. K is walking and I'm afraid if I plant the lilies now and she stops to talk, I will never get away."  Then an idea came to me.

" Will you do me a favor"?  I asked.

"Sure"  She said.

"If she stops to talk and you see that I just cant get away, will you bring out the phone and tell me that there is a call for me"?  I asked feeling mildly guilty for including her in my deceit.

"Yes, I'll save you"  She chuckled.

I began digging as the guilt made it's way in.  She is probably just lonely, I thought.  How many times over the years have I told people what to do?

  "Lord, please forgive me.  Help me to be kind."  I silently prayed even though I did NOT really want to be kind.

On hands and knees, as I am putting the lily in the ground I hear her voice.  "You make me feel guilty out here planting this early."  She says as she walks up to where I am planting.

"Moooom"  I hear coming from the front door.  Wow, she did not waste a single second.  I just meant to save me if I was trapped.

"The phone is for you."  She said with an enormous smile on her face, all the while trying to give me some secret message by raising her eyebrows and winking at the same time.

"Always busy."  Mrs. K said and headed towards her home.

Daughter whispers, "the phone really is for you." 

We both laughed.  Maybe, if I was willing or perhaps even struggling to do the right thing, then God was willing to give us a little laugh for the morning.  Maybe it was just good luck.  I don't know.

As families in addiction, we sometimes need to focus on these little graces and move our focus so that the day has meaning and purpose instead of the insanity that the disease brings.  I just wanted to share this with you in the hopes that it would brighten your day.

  Praying for Henry.  Mine and yours.





 

Happy Monday

I am thankful that the last couple of weeks have passed.  There was a undercurrent of anxiety and stress that seemed to run the show.  The biggest problem was that despite the fact that the Dad and I had come up with some very clear boundaries for the Son, the Dad suddenly needed to change them and didn't really bother to consult me.  I was furious.  Anger is my go to emotion.  It's like there is no pause available after my brain registers that I have been wronged.  There is an instantaneous explosion of anger.  Then, I get a little down and depressed.  Then I work out the emotions that I am feeling.

Eventually, after much prayer for my enemy (the Dad), I was able to see that he is in a different place than I am.  I was able to recognize that since he had not been the kind of Dad that he wanted to be early on, this is something that he needs to do now.  But, I was also able to say, "Look, I can't really watch it anymore so he needs to live in his own space."  The Dad actually thanked me for letting him do his own thing.  Seems so simple now.  But, communication has never been key in our relationship.  Hopefully that will change.

This week is supposed to be glorious.  Last week the weather was as dreary and turbulent as the mood in our home.  Today's high is around seventy-three and sunny....glorious sunshine!  I watched the movie the Joneses on Netflix.  It was really interesting.  I expected only fluff but there was something there which was a nice surprise.

Saturday the Dad and I went to see the C.S. Lewis play the Great Divorce.  It was so good.  It could easily be argued that as he fought with the idea of giving up lust that he could easily interchange that with addiction.  It was very thought provoking.  After the matinee we had dinner and went to a open speaker meeting.  The weekend ended on a good note. 

Today is my Weight Watchers weigh in after a very stressful and not so vigilant week, so we will see.  I'm still not giving up.  That is the variable that has changed this time around.  I think Al Anon has helped change my perception about failure. 

It's been a productive Monday, thus far, so I'd better head off and finish my list.  You can always count on prayers for each of you being on that list.  Hope your week is good.

Coming Full Circle

I have five brothers and sisters.  And, I have twenty nieces and nephews.  And, fourteen great nieces and nephews.  We are a prolific bunch!  Yesterday I traveled an hour away to see my niece and her newest child, just five days old.  He was so tiny.  This is her fourth child and so I decided to take them dinner instead of a baby gift.  By the time you have four, two boys and two girls, you have it (baby clothes, furniture, tools)  all.  But, you don't have time. 

This niece is my oldest brother's daughter.  While growing up, he was my favorite.  He is seventeen years older than me and he took me everywhere.  He tried ( and failed) to get me into sports.  He read to me, turning me  into a voracious reader.  We lived in a tiny town in Kentucky.  There were no book stores for miles around.  But, we had a library and we lived in the country so  the bookmobile came around every two weeks.  My brother worked on the railroad so when he went to a town where there was a bookstore, he always brought me back books. 

He got married when I was in my early teens and when he and his wife had a baby, I loved hanging out at their house.  It went well for a while but then my sister-in-law's drinking became a wedge between her and every single area of her life.  It was ugly.  We became distant.  Everyone just wanted to steer clear of the insanity that is alcoholism.  I grew up, got married and moved away.  Then my own cloud of addiction entered the picture.  They say that if you don't deal with things in your life, God will continue to give you opportunities to learn from them and so I guess he did.

Yesterday was the first time that I've really talked to my niece.  Oh we've chatted, but yesterday we talked about what was/is real.  And it was such a blessing.  This little girl that I knew is now a grown woman carrying scars from addiction but surviving it.  She is a loving mother, good wife and so diligent in providing for her children, what she did not have.  I am so impressed.  But, I want her to learn to take care of herself and to model that for her children. 

I want to get to know her again.  I want to get to know the others.  Addiction is the big elephant in the family room of my big extended family.  If we all gathered at the same time, we could form our own Al Anon group and probably an AA group as well.  I just think it's time we started to talk to each other. 

In other news, it is the second day of lent and the time changes this weekend.  I can't believe it's spring forward time again.  It's been so  cold that it doesn't seem like it can be that time, already.  Weight Watchers was cancelled due to weather which bummed me out because tracking both food and weight really help me. 

Big Sister got an invitation to interview for a position in a PhD program in Louisiana.  We are going down next weekend for a tour and a day of events followed by her interview.  I think she was shocked by the invitation.  She only expected to be accepted into masters programs. 

The Son is working for his Dad until he gets a new job.  I have a lot of concerns about that.  I really want to be careful that we aren't enabling.  We did need an employee and he had just quit a job but it can be a slippery slope.  Praying you guys.

 

Ramblings of a Troubled Co Dependent

It's super bowl Sunday and we are expecting our friends and their children in a couple of hours.  It is a low key, no stress kind of entertaining as these friends have been our friends since moving to Tennessee almost twenty years ago and I can say, "this is the food I've planned to make, fill in the blanks...." and it's all good.

The dogs surprise me more and more as time goes by.  Their vocabulary seems to constantly grow.  I mentioned that I was going to go upstairs to the Dad and out of nowhere, they appear, tails wagging ready for an adventure.  They also know breakfast, supper, potty, treat, bone, outside, walk and bath (which sends them into hiding). Come and bad are words that suddenly make them appear deaf.

I often go to the open AA speaker meetings.  It is really enlightening for me to hear their stories.  It helps me to better understand my addicted loved ones.  Their words give me hope. Many times I get a little down when something happens that makes fear rear it's ugly head,  whispering in my ear that things will never change.  But, when I hear the ups and downs in their stories, I can step back and see that "it takes what it takes."  I can see God in their stories over and over again and those stories remind me to get the heck out of the way.

One of the girls from the Homeward Bound program at the jail asked me to help her by giving her a ride to a court date.  I am so hesitant about getting involved.  I have this tendency to know just how to solve the worlds problems go a little overboard to the point that I forget about my own life.  I didn't know whether or not to respond to her text so I began to pray about it by asking God if this need to help was really a product of my pride or if He was really calling me to help her.  It didn't take long until the loud and clear thought that entered my mind was reminding me that her mother had died while she was in jail and her Dad is in Hospice care as we speak.  This twenty-two year old literally has nobody. 

I felt OK about my decision but I have to say that I am concerned that I will go too far.  She kept offering to give me $20.00 to take her.  She has never gone to meetings.  I always try to encourage her to give them a try.  So I said, "if you will go to 6 AA meetings, we can call it even."  She said, "if you will take me, I will go."  Now I am thinking....no screaming, in my head, you are going too far....you are trying to control......  I was sick about it.  I prayed, "Father, I don't know if this is me and my pride trying to fix this or me trying to follow your will....show me what to do." 

We went to the meeting and I must admit that she was not exactly a girl who knew how to pay attention and respect when another is talking and she lacked a few of the "softer skills" so I was nervous.  I thought if this goes bad, there is no one to blame but you.  But, it was really good.  She was so afraid to try it and she was able to see that it was actually good.  I am hoping that she can make some good connections and the program will take over in the miraculous way that it does of bringing in the broken helping them on their journey of self discovery, understanding and healing only to send them out to serve others.

Maybe you can all help me to be accountable by reminding me to  stay out of her way.  Looking forward to winter's end, my friends.  Feeling hopeful and remembering you in prayer.

 

Just a Hot Mess

I've missed a lot of Al Anon meetings over the last two months.  My brother was in the hospital in Nashville which is a lot closer to me than his family so I spent a lot of time there.  Then I got a terrible head cold and by the time I got better second Polar vortex had arrived and I just didn't like leaving the house.

Last night I went back for the first time and was greeted with big warm hugs from folks that I really had missed seeing.  We started out small and so we gathered around a round top table.  It was still very cold (single digits) and so we didn't expect a big crowd.  But, little by little people began to trickle in, until we had twice as many folks at our table as it would hold so we just scooted out a bit.

There were a lot of newcomers.  After our meeting got underway, a lady in a wheel chair came rolling  in and when we asked, "looking for Al Anon?" (we often get people looking for the AA meeting which is in another part of the building) she said "well yes since AA was not wheel chair accessible."  She went on to mention that her father was an alcoholic so she felt this meeting would be good too.

We began going around the room talking about various slogans and how they were meaningful in our lives.  The newcomers began sharing mainly about their qualifier, which I guess we have all done in the beginning.  But when we got to the handicapped lady, things went out of control. She started fussing about steps one through three.  She let us know in no uncertain terms that she didn't believe in what they said and wanted to make sure that this wasn't a Christian meeting.  Our GR explained the spiritual nature of our meeting, explaining that it isn't religious. 

When the meeting ended she left before we prayed so that she didn't have to be present for a prayer.  Then she returned to get phone numbers.  We offered her a bottle of water and she began to open it with her teeth.  I asked her if she'd like help opening the water and she was furious.  "Isn't it just like you codependent people to want to fix everything for everybody?"  She didn't stop there. She went on and on and on about how she was perfectly independent and was capable of doing anything she wanted anytime.  I told her that I was sorry and that yes it was just like a codependent person to want to fix it. 

But, man she got under my skin.  And I spent the better part of last night and today trying to figure out why.  Now let me just throw the disclaimers out first.  I know very deeply in my heart that she needed that meeting as much or more than I needed my first meeting.  I know that she struggles ten times harder than I do in doing ordinary everyday tasks. 

Why did this bother me so?  I decided that part of the problem is that every time that I need to apply my Al Anon principles to a new situation, I have to rethink it. Secondly I didn't really want to fix her ( honestly I did want to fix so many other things she mentioned) but not her ability to open her water bottle, I just wanted to be polite.  I can certainly see how she would be hypersensitive about her ability to take care of herself but what I don't know is where the boundary is with regard to offering  help or fixing.  I don't know how to be politically correct, at all.  I tend to be more direct. 

I questioned myself over and over....Was I trying to be controlling?  When I listened to her bash the first three steps, I must admit that I was not thinking warm fuzzy thoughts. I would have loved to have said, "why are you here?  If you don't like it, then there is the door."  Was I allowing my negative thoughts influence the way that I treated her?

My usual sanctuary that is my Al Anon group was not there.  I'm sure this is something in me that I need to look at and address....I'm just not sure what.  Any ideas anyone?  I'm gonna pray about it and I'm gonna keep praying for all of us and our addicted loved ones.

Grumpy Old Woman....

I've been absent for a while.  Hubby is a horse vet and this is the beginning of our busy season.....thanks be to God.  The economy and a tornado a few years back have not been kind to our business. Add Son's slip into our already hectic lives...... a bit like an aftershock, sending us rocking and rolling a bit. 

Luckily, boundaries kicked in at warp speed and his experience with the enforcement of previous boundaries and his level of sobriety and God's grace all helped to curb that storm.

I'm trying so hard to "find" myself.  I keep trying to quit, get fired, retire....maybe like Klinger on Mash, I'll shoot for a section 8?  Any ideas on how to lose your job when you work for the hubby?  Our new girl was just finding her groove when a better offer came along.  Now, I'll be there more than ever. 

The job itself isn't terrible, it's just not "my" thing.  Perhaps it's selfish but I want to do my own thing for once.  I've been mom for 23 yrs and wife for almost 26 yrs.  I've worked for hubby for 18 yrs and been Doc's wife.  I'd just like to figure out who I am while I can still remember! 

I am frustrated with working for some of those privileged clients who stamp their feet wanting what they want, when they want it and threatening   reminding me just how much money they've given to my cause.  It feels like I've sold my soul to the company store. 

I'm frustrated with those who come in hoping to "wow" us with their knowledge.  I like an educated owner who cares for their horses.  A"natural horsemanship" owner came in telling me that she had a book and had figured out what her horses problem was the night before she came in (kept wondering why she came in).   She brought "the book" and ran around the clinic reading sections of it to hubby's assistant and she doesn't get the whole personal bubble thing....  She has her hay analyzed and supplements with all sorts of things she feels are missing.  Purina Feed Mills and their decades of studies have nothing on this person.  I doubt those horses in the wild supplement with sunflower seed and beet pulp.  Seems to me that her natural horsemanship is about as natural as reality TV is real...but that's just me.

I am sick and tired of those women who come in treating me like the help while going overboard being syrupy sweet to hubby.  Do you think that having to put up with watching that  will strike out some of my time in Purgatory?  I think I deserve it, what about you?

Maybe it's burnout.  Maybe I'm not very charitable.  Maybe I should go back to school and get a psychology degree and keep working here.  It would be a magnificent research opportunity.  I know God has a plan for me.  I just can't for the life of me imagine where he's taking me.  And, I'm highly impatient. 

Today I say a prayer of Thanksgiving for progress and not perfection.  I say a prayer for patience and direction.  And I say a prayer for Henry. 

PS Just read "The Camel Knows the Way" by Lorna Kelly  Great book about Lorna Kelly who was the first woman auctioneer at New York's Sotheby's who volunteered in the slums of Calcutta with Mother Teresa.  She is a recovering addict who was brave enough to write about her character defects and an experience and woman who changed the way she looked at her life. 

Boundaries

I remember when the word boundaries was first introduced to me in relation to addiction.  It was a little frightening and exciting to realize that I did have a little control.  The idea of something that might wrangle the chaos that constantly swirled around my life seemed like something that was too good to be true.

I began to realize that boundaries were all I had in terms of control.  Learning to be consistent with the addict was the test.  Addicts manipulate.  They are the master deceivers.  It took a little practice to stand firm.

In the Homeward Bound Program at the jail I volunteer to take an AlAnon meeting.  These girls really need AA or NA but we are all they have.  One of the things that the girls had a hard time hearing was the fact that I kicked my son out when he refused rehab.  It is a topic that they continue to revisit each week.

All of the girls but one have come to understand why I did it or have let it go, but one.  Wednesday she asked, "what if you kicked him out and he committed suicide?"  I replied, "then he would have made that choice."  I asked her, "what if I allowed him to continue to live here and because of that he had enough money to buy enough drugs to overdose?" 

"It was my boundary"  I said.  "It may not be your mothers."  "It was what I had to do to take care of myself."  "You get to decide what your boundaries are."  "You get to decide if drugs are more important than sobriety."  "You get to decide when you've had enough and you want something different."  Maybe she listened.  Maybe not.  She will decide.

I've not been on here much as I've been working way too many hours.  My house is a mess.  Laundry is piled high.  Groceries are non existent.  I've been eating so poorly and my weight is up.  I could use a few of my own boundaries about now.  It's funny how I couldn't see how the girl at the jail was putting her sobriety on her mom's shoulders because she needed her even if she was using.  She could not see that her choice was just that....her choice.  Same with me.  I haven't put up the much needed boundaries to take care of my health. 

Today I say a prayer thanksgiving for the AlAnon program and the lessons that I have to keep learning, over and over again.  I am thankful for the lessons that those girls teach me and the perspective that they give me.  I pray for growth for each of us and I say a prayer for Henry.

Signs

Lately I have been bothered by the fact that my son insists that he can drink.  I thought that this was definately better than drug use, but I still didn't feel good about it.  I went to a fundraiser for the rehab center he used.  The talk was given by a recovering addict and her mother.  They had written a book.  At first, I didn't want to read it.  It is almost as if, reading it, means I have to go back there. 

I was having a particularly bad weekend so I decided to just dive right in.  When I read it, I learned how differently an addict/alcoholic treats alcohol.  It seems that for the author, at least, that very first drink brought instant relief.  I remember when I first started drinking, I thought how bad it tasted.  I remember not liking that feeling of losing control of myself.  It made me uncomfortable.  When I stopped drinking, it really wasn't that big of a deal. 

Then I read about how manipulative the addict can be.  These were all reminders of things I had tackled once and foolishly let slip into the back of my mind in some false sense that this was mostly behind me.    They were signs.  I am traveling a journey.  I am not checking the 12 steps off my list one by one.  No, I am learning and moving forward, only to become relieved and think that is behind me and before I know it, I'm back at step one again.  This is a chronic progressive disease.  It is lifelong.  I must be vigilant at all times.  This makes me tired. 

But, I don't have to do this alone.  And, I'm not.  I was given those signs just when I needed them.  With God's help and a lot of time in prayer, I placed a new boundary.  No alcohol as long as he lives here and if he does he must go.  I don't know where or how.....It makes me a little heartsick to think of doing that again but if it takes that to help him realize the gravity of this disease and realize that he needs help, then so be it.  Pretending to make progress will take us nowhere....and fast. 

Today I pray for courage to do what is necessary. I pray for my son to learn the lessons that God has for him and I pray for the soul of Henry.

My God Has Not Forsaken Me

Boundaries are hard to enforce when you know that if they are crossed and you must stand behind the consequences you put in place that very dangerous things can occur.  But, with an addict, you must stand firm with the boundary or you are then an enabler.  My son relapsed and after much soul searching, my husband and I decided that providing transportation and a job to someone who is actively using, is helping to support that habit.  So, he was given a boundary that if he had a positive drug test, he would lose both of those things.

He was very angry at this information and that scared me, but I had to stick with it or this would not get better.  I know I must stick with this, but,  my fears can take me to some really awful places.  I felt emotionally and physically ill.  I live in a constant state of prayer...begging.  I started to feel like I was in hell and so all alone.  I was really understanding how Jesus said my God my God, why have thou forsaken me.



Then the phone rang and it was one of my fellow Al-anon members called to tell me that she just wanted to start building relationships with the members so she called to tell me that at work, she had established a boundary with a co-worker and had stuck with it.  I said that is great.  I had to establish a boundary with my son, at which point I burst into tears and told her all about our situation.  She confided in me that she had to kick her son out as long as he was using and told me that what she did to cope was to imagine that she was picking him up and placing him in God's hands.  That he was safe with God.  She also told me that her son was doing great now.  He is sober, working and had even received a promotion.  I told her that I thought that God had told her to call me and I thanked her for saying yes to that.

I cannot tell you the relief that brought me.  I decided later to call my son.  He couldn't talk but he was different and told me that he had gone to a meeting last night and was going to one today and he'd call me later.  Thanks be to God.  I did not expect that.  It was a gift.  I know the battle is still long, but I am so thankful for the gift of the lady who called and my son's telling me he was trying again.  It's so miraculous to me how God really communicates with us.  I wonder why I don't have stronger faith.  I am so thankful.

Today, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for those who say yes to God and reach out.  I am thankful that my son is trying to keep up the fight.  I am thankful for a most loving, present God who is taking care, great care, of my son and my family in such a very loving way.  I pray for strength to continue to hold this boundary, healing for my son.  And, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.