Interior Change

There has been a change.  The inner change allows outward manifestations to  sneak out bit by bit defining a new person or perhaps illustrating  the real person minus the drugs or the anxieties of the past.  I do not know why it is happening or when exactly it started to happen but I am so thankful.

I've been reading some really good books regarding love.  Real love.  How we show love....how we perceive love and my only explanation for this change is prayer and a new understanding of how to love.

Prayer in and of itself is love.  It is a love of God and getting to know Him more deeply.  Prayer is love.  Not just of what we want but trusting God to know and give us what we need.  So I don't question, I just accept with grateful heart.

Love is the subject of many books, many songs and movies.  It is the theme of what we all live for and crave.  Hollywood has distorted our image of love in such a way that most of us don't know the first thing about it anymore. 

Today, I am so thankful for God's holy grace.  I am not worthy.  I am thankful.  I pray for each of you to learn as I am learning God's gift of love.  I pray for our addicted loved ones and I say a prayer for Henry. 

Signs are Everywhere

I love, love, love it when I feel the hand of God.  It's rare when (probably) I recognize it.  I am sure that it happens more often than I notice.  My sister had planted these climbing rose bushes and they had really started to grow.  But, they had yet to bloom.  She was growing frustrated with them and was considering cutting them down.

Our mother had died in November and it was  Mother's day.  Sister was having a tough time grieving.  Mother's day was a big deal.  My mom lived next door to my sister and as she was looking across the way towards my mother's house she was thinking what a hole our mother left when she noticed to her amazement that her rose bushes were LOADED with rose blooms. 

She always felt that our mom was saying, smile....it's okay, I"m here with you.  It was a beautiful gift.  Another blogger friend shared with me this most amazing, beautiful story of the hope God gives in the midst of our heartbreaks.

Going down the dark roads that life takes us, teaches us the most.  I pray that you have the courage to travel to the most fearful places in order to unearth the gifts underneath.  I pray for strength, I pray for hope but mostly I pray for LOVE for you and your family.  And as always a prayer for the soul of Henry, my grandfather.

Now, it all begins....How Marvelous, How Wonderful!

Tomorrow,  I will go to mass and visit with our Lord in adoration before going to confession.  I will do this in preparation and gratitude before Holy week begins.  I love the catholic church.  I love the rhythms and sights and smells of it.  I love the traditions which give me pause...to imagine Christ here, physically and how that must have been. 

And, while I love everything Catholic, in my mind, I still sing a hymn that my very Baptist grandmother would sing around the house...."I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene, and wonder how he could love me a sinner condemned, unclean.  How marvelous how wonderful and my song shall ever be, how marvelous how wonderful is my saviour's love for me."

Sunday is palm Sunday.  The beginning of holy week.  And, my son just came and told me that Sunday, he'd like to join me when I go to a horse show.  He asked when I would like to go and I said, "after mass."  "I'll go with you to mass too,"  he said.  "That will be nice," I say....but my heart shouts...How marvelous....How wonderful is my Saviour's love for me.

I was in the desert a lot last year.  I am fairly certain that it was in direct proportion to my need to be there.  And, just a few days ago I was grieving lost opportunities(see previous post)  that I had given up because my priorities had been misplaced.  I felt utterly heartsick because I didn't think I could rectify the damage I'd done. 

I couldn't.  God can.  I do not know what happened.  I don't know how it happened.  But, last week, I decided that all I could do, from here on out, was let my actions tell my son that I trusted who God created him to be.  It was pretty much just a mental decision that I had made.  I can't recall doing anything as a result of that decision, but..... he changed.  I can't describe it... he just changed.  And just as holy week begins again as it did so long ago, in my heart, I believe that IT is beginning for my son. 

You see for a long time now, well before I knew what my son's problem actually was, my prayer was, "please help return my son to you, first, Father and then to me."  This week, my son has helped me without being asked.  He has been responsible.  He is thinking ahead.  He is calm and quiet.  He has talked to me about his addiction/recovery.  He hasn't asked for anything.  He is pulling himself up.  And, he is doing it by himself because God created this boy of mine for something great.  Maybe it is something that will bring him fame or wealth or maybe he will help those who are the "least of these."  But, it will be great in the eyes of God and that's all that matters.

Today, I have prayers of thanksgiving for the miracles that mark the beginning of my holy week.  I pray for continued growth for my son and for your children.  I pray for continued faith.  I pray for our eyes to be always trained to search for the hand of God in our everyday.  And I pray for Henry.

Breathe.......Focus.....

I am in the situation that can be so painful and frightening that it leaves me unsure of what my prayers should be.  God gives us all free will.  Can I pray for my son to want to go into treatment?  Can I pray for my son to not want to do bad or illegal things to support his habit?  Can I pray for my son to want to get better?  Do I only pray for God's will and the courage to follow that?  Can I pray for my desires?  Jesus asked for this cup to pass from Him but also said not my will but thine.  I guess this will be my prayer.

In one of my very confused fearful wakings, it came to me that I needed to treat this like Lamaze.  Lamaze is a way of having something to focus on and and a way to  breathe in order to relax during the very painful labor and delivery during childbirth.  I decided that my focal point would God's miracles.  This is an effort to increase my faith.  So, when I have a specifically panicky moment, I think, God had Moses part the sea....can you imagine the sea and the strength it has just parting for the Israelites to escape exile?  I imagine Jesus waking the dead?  I imagine two fish and two loaves of bread feeding that huge crowd.  I imagine water becoming wine.  I imagine myself walking on the water of this turbulent storm.  I imagine possibilities.  I imagine miracles.  I hope for miracles.  I hope.  

Now, I am still a nervous and frightened gal.  But, when the grip of fear starts to tighten it's noose around my breath, I go back to what God  can do.  Instead of fears, I see possibilities.  Instead of shutting down, I keep moving.  Instead of lack of direction, I find my way. 

I can only hope that after this long frightening laboriously difficult experience, there will be a new birth.  I hope that my first born will experience new life.  Life filled with faith and family and growth and service to others.  So, today, that is my prayer.  Please guide us through this process.  Please part the seas of addiction so that my son might escape.  Please heal his mind.  Please help him to walk one step at a time into a new life.  Please give us both the courage to not look down.  Please help all those affected with the disease of addiction.  Thank you for holding us close.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen