Know Your Enemy, Know Yourself

I now teach two classes at the jail.  One is 'Understanding Addiction' and the other is 'Expressive Writing'.  I teach them back to back and so I decided to find a way to tie them together and this came to mind.

So it is said, that if you know your enemy and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss. If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
If you know neither yourself, nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself.
                                                                                                     SunTzu


The Chinese general responsible for writing the book, The Art of War, which I have never read, BTW, is widely known for this quote.  I don't know why this quote came to mind but it did and so I used it and am now seeing that this was perhaps, divinely inspired.

The program for re-entry my class is a part of is primarily religious based ( a protestant denomination) and so when they handed me a packet with the twelve steps containing scripture to go along with each step, I was leery.

I am a good Catholic.  But, I have learned from my twelve-step program, that it is important to have a thorough understanding of what a power greater than MYself really means and to know who I think that POWER is.  Many of us worship our own illusion of power without ever realizing it.

Apropos to that last sentence, back when I was trying to cure and control the addictions of others, I read Gabor Mate's book, In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts.  His insight is eye opening and radical relative to current ideas on addiction.  He introduces people with addictions and their stories.  Then he asks us to always ask the question, "not why the addiction, but why the pain."

That book helped me to look beyond the symptomatic behavior of addiction and to see the person instead.  To me, that is key.  It is an act of mercy to see every person and not just see their failings.  Father Greg Boyle, SJ often says that, we are more than the sum total of our worst mistakes or something along those lines.  (Sorry Father G if that is wrong).

I started using this book because when I ask how many in the class are addicts or alcoholics (this happens each and every semester) few raise their hands even though ninety percent in our county jail are there due to drug or alcohol charges.  I wanted them to have an accurate picture of addiction.

Addiction--or enslavement--is the ENEMY.

Now, for knowing thyself, I turned to Divine Therapy and Addiction.  This is a book by Father Thomas Keating OCSO and Tom S.  Tom S. interviews Thomas Keating about the twelve steps of AA and how centering prayer can aid each person in the task of learning who we really are.  He also takes an in depth look at happiness; what it is and where it can be found.

First of all, let me just say that each of these books is not for you if you are in the market for a fluffy beach read.  They are deep and thought provoking.  And, they are technical.  If the class weren't thrust upon me at the last minute, I might have prepared something different.  Something on a simpler level. 

You see, most classes whose curriculum is prepared with inmates in mind, targets the vocabulary at a sixth grade level.  And, many days, my students behave like middle school girls, looking out the window at any male inmate who happens to walk past our classroom.  They whisper and giggle.  Sometimes they try to shock me with sexually explicit discussions.  They become easily bored and so if you aren't really on, you have lost them.

I began my class by reading a few personal narratives from the addicts in Mate's book.  They were totally engrossed.  I picked some hard core addicts stories and some functional alcoholics and a few in between.

Then we read step one and talked about powerlessness. I didn't need to speak much about unmanageable, that part is easy to get.  But, powerlessness, takes time. 

Then we talked about step two: Came to believe that a Power, greater than ourselves..... This is where we talked about who God is to us.  How do we see him?  Do we actually trust him?  I told them that I had a really hard time trusting Him with my son, especially in the beginning....truth be told, I didn't trust him at all with my son.  They were shocked.  The church lady doesn't trust God and says so out loud--gasp!

God had their total attention for three hours.  I just sat there and followed His lead.  It was the most amazing gift to be a part of.  Their faces were like the symbol on your computer that lets you know it's searching for some request that you have made of it.  They would ask questions and you could see surprise or delight when maybe a connection was made.  If I meditate on the most amazing part of that class, it will have to be that when they started to buy in to what I shared, HOPE appeared.

For them and for me.

I realize now that I can only share my experience, my strength, my hope and my prayers for you and the Henry in your life and mine.





 

God Has a Sense of Humor

I walk my little doxie, Lucy, every morning.  The length of our stroll is dependent upon the temperature, humidity and lately a neighbor that I will refer to as 'Mrs. Kravitz'. 

Until last week Mrs. K has only walked on occasion.  And, when she does, you will no doubt learn a lot about her life, who our other neighbors are, what they and their children are doing. 

The last time I lucked into such a meeting, we had just begun our walk and as she started talking my little Lucy did her business.

 Mrs. K said, " now you need to bag that up."

"Since it's an empty lot, I usually wait until I'm on my way home and then bag and grab it.  That way I don't have to carry it all the way through the neighborhood."  I replied.

"If you bag it now, you can lay the bag on the curb, that way you won't forget it, and will see it and can grab it on your way back."  She said.

It's hard to break old habits.  So, I bagged the poop and laid it on the curb, all the while listening to her remind me what a great idea that was.  My twelve step brain was so angry.  Why do I automatically try to please others?  Why didn't I just say, " that's a great way of doing it too" and just continue walking?

I've taken to looking out both doors before leaving and if she is on her walk, I just wait.  How silly is that?  Then one day last week, after I Lucy and I took our walk, I decided to put some day lilies in the ground before I took my shower and guess who was rounding the corner?

Inside, my youngest was having breakfast.  She heard me mumbling about what to do because I really needed to get them planted and get moving to get to a morning appointment. 

"What is going on"?  She asked.

"Oh, Mrs. K is walking and I'm afraid if I plant the lilies now and she stops to talk, I will never get away."  Then an idea came to me.

" Will you do me a favor"?  I asked.

"Sure"  She said.

"If she stops to talk and you see that I just cant get away, will you bring out the phone and tell me that there is a call for me"?  I asked feeling mildly guilty for including her in my deceit.

"Yes, I'll save you"  She chuckled.

I began digging as the guilt made it's way in.  She is probably just lonely, I thought.  How many times over the years have I told people what to do?

  "Lord, please forgive me.  Help me to be kind."  I silently prayed even though I did NOT really want to be kind.

On hands and knees, as I am putting the lily in the ground I hear her voice.  "You make me feel guilty out here planting this early."  She says as she walks up to where I am planting.

"Moooom"  I hear coming from the front door.  Wow, she did not waste a single second.  I just meant to save me if I was trapped.

"The phone is for you."  She said with an enormous smile on her face, all the while trying to give me some secret message by raising her eyebrows and winking at the same time.

"Always busy."  Mrs. K said and headed towards her home.

Daughter whispers, "the phone really is for you." 

We both laughed.  Maybe, if I was willing or perhaps even struggling to do the right thing, then God was willing to give us a little laugh for the morning.  Maybe it was just good luck.  I don't know.

As families in addiction, we sometimes need to focus on these little graces and move our focus so that the day has meaning and purpose instead of the insanity that the disease brings.  I just wanted to share this with you in the hopes that it would brighten your day.

  Praying for Henry.  Mine and yours.





 

Why don't they just Pull themselves up by their Bootstraps?

I'm back!!!!!  My computer had been sputtering for sometime, but I was determined to get every last breath out of it, but when only a white screen appeared, I knew it was time. Now with a new computer after six to eight years on my old one, there is a tremendous learning curve.

I went to the Southern Festival of Books this weekend.  I absolutely love this event.  I clear my October weekends in preparation for it.  There were over one hundred authors present.  Many of then have a session where they talk about their latest project and answer questions.  And, of course they sell books!  What's not to like?

One of my favorite southern authors is Rick Bragg.  If you have not read "All Over But the Shoutin'", you should.  I bought his new book about the life of Jerry Lee Lewis.  I'm not really crazy to read about his life but Rick Bragg's prose is almost poetic and so I will read anything that he writes. 

I stood in line to have it autographed.  And, what I thought would be a long boring wait, turned into a very interesting turn of events.  Strangers in line began to talk.  We began to share our hero worship of Rick Bragg but somehow the conversation took a turn when one lady that I'll call the church lady, started complaining about minimum wage employees like baggers at the grocery or store clerks.

She went on a rant, "There is just no work ethic anymore.  They ignore you and have those ear buds in while they are working.  I was taught better than that."
 
Another lady in line whom I'll call Compassionate Lady, tried to explain, "well things are different,  many of the minimum wage jobs are people who might not have been blessed to come from a family who taught them some basic skills."

The Church Lady went on to say, "well I just don't understand when you come from the richest nation in the world, that those poor people (she said with air quotes) don't just pull themselves up by the bootstraps like my grandparents did."

Almost in unison, me, Compassionate Lady, a man who had been talking with her said, "it doesn't have anything to do with money." 

Bam!  I couldn't believe it.  With my new post addiction heart, I am rarely in a majority.  The three of us began chatting away.  The man turned out to be a health reporter who also volunteers at a women's prison in Oregon where he is from.

Reporter began talking about a study done that speaks to how hard this new poverty that we face in this country is to overcome.  Mother Teresa herself said that it is easy to feed the hungry but the poverty in America is quite different and much more difficult to overcome. 

When he learned that I also volunteer in a county jail our conversation turned to our experiences there.   He was sickened by the number of women who are incarcerated that were sexually abused and don't know it.  Reporter explained how the definition of sexual abuse needs to widen.  I told him about one lady who said that when she was twelve years old "she let" a seventeen year old have sex with her so she guesses it's her fault.  He told me about an inmate who at fourteen years old "seduced" her stepfather.  They both wonder what is wrong with them that they would do such a thing.

We've separated and segregated ourselves so much that we as a people don't know or want to know what is going on in our own backyards.   I call the lady who initiated our conversation by complaining,  Church Lady because she first told us about all of the "good things" she does for her church.  But, then, is quick to judge and wring her hands over the way the poor bags her groceries.

I was the Church Lady before.  I don't have a right to stand in judgment of her. But, like any addict who goes into recovery, I too, had a conversion.  I like to follow the tradition of St. Ignatius of Loyola who lives by the simple idea of "Seeing God in All Things". 

There is beauty in going to the hard places and seeing hard things.  It is a paradox that is taught by St. Ignatius, St. Francis, twelve step recovery groups and most religions.  But, oddly enough you see it in practice in a twelve step group in a beautiful way that our churches could take a lesson from.

Seeing what I have always seen but with new eyes still shocks me sometimes.  But, it gives me a purpose.  I can be one changed voice.  That's all that I have to do.  Perhaps it will ripple.....I can only pray.

Praying for Henry and many, many others.


 

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth is, Sister....

I've read a lot about things that help an addict to heal some of the issues which might fuel their addiction (yes I know there is no cure.....my idea was that this falls under the ".....change the things that you can...." idea...no scolding comments, please).  I've read about attachment and shame.  I work (note present tense) the twelve steps continuously, initially of course in an effort to fix my addicted loved ones.  I have read about the need to examine the hurts of childhood and to grieve them and release them.  And, for the most part, I have accepted that I can only fix me.  To that end, I go to Al Anon.  I pray and meditate, I volunteer at the local jail.  I try to mind my own business....through gritted teeth and white knuckles.

But, if I have the hope that my addicted loved ones will take the necessary steps to find serenity in their lives then perhaps it is time for me to do the same.  Late last year I decided to try to enter a study at Vanderbilt University for diabetics not using insulin.  It was a very interesting study in many ways.  Regardless of which group ( control or study group) I would have randomly been selected for, I would have had supervision from a registered dietitian for six months.  Also during that time, I would have four different occasions where they would give me a stimulant and put me in an MRI and PET scan to flash food pictures at me while they watched my brain activity.  How cool is that? 

I had hoped that this focus on healthy eating would help me get my eating ( my addiction) on a path that would lead to a healthy weight, thus a healthier me.  I was DENIED.  I had been feeling really bad and a little hopeless that this problem would ever change.  The fact is diabetes and weight get harder and harder to manage as time goes by.  I was very down. 

You see I am larger than I have ever been.  My family has begged me to get healthy since the kids were little.  They watched both grandmothers go through the awful process of dialysis as their kidneys failed as a result of diabetes and high blood pressure.  And, in May, I turn the big 5-0!!!  I am on medicine for the diabetes, high blood pressure and my heart.  My eyesight is bad and it is harder and harder for them to prescribe the right glasses when my blood sugar runs high.  I was denied participation in the study because of my heart issues (arrhythmia).

My weight has always been a great source of shame for me.  I have never told my husband a number.  That number stifles me.  It means that I am less than.  It means that I am a loser.  It means that I am lazy and undisciplined.  Does all of that self talk remind you of anything?  Well, it did me and so I thought that if I expected my addicted loved ones to deal with it...already, then maybe I should put my money where my mouth is.

On January 1, 2014, I weighed ten pounds more than I did at nine months pregnant with my son.  There it is.  It's not a number yet, but I'm working up the courage for that.  I started trying to eliminate sweets from my diet.  I started to feel a little lighter but I never weighed.  The last week of January, I joined Weight Watchers.  I had done it before and it worked.  But, until now I knew that I wasn't ready.  I don't know what changed other than the fact that I finally associated step one with my weight and began praying about it, because I did not/do not know how to live day in and day out without eating the southern food that I grew up learning to prepare which always, always ends with dessert. 

After week one, I lost four pounds.  I was very excited and hopeful.  Some days were hard.  Some days I didn't totally comply.  But, this time, it was different because when I slipped, I got back up again.  Week two I started and I continued slipping day after day.  I felt pretty bad about the week as a whole.  I had tried as we often do, to make it work the way I wanted it to, plus Super Bowl Sunday was bad no matter how healthy I tried to make it.  I wanted to skip my weigh in.  I did not want to go and face those ladies.  But this time I realized that what I dreaded so intensely is exactly what alcoholics and addicts faced all of the time.  So I went and I weighed in and I gained .8 pound.  And, when I came home, I told my family directly instead of hiding in shame and guilt.

I'm going back too.  I'm trying again, today.  That's what I expect of them.  This morning when I stepped on the scales, I realized that since January 1, I am at my nine month pregnancy weight with my son again.  I'm not the largest anymore.  I'm not as ashamed telling anymore.  People understand.  They relate.  How foolish we can all be my friends.  Welcome to my journey.  You are a safe group to be vulnerable with.

I am happy to report that my little friend from Homeward Bound went to court, paid her fine and has that behind her.  And, when she asked me how she could get a job when she couldn't drive to work, I told her to ask around in her meetings.  I told her that many, many people start out without cars and rely on those who have started out just like she is.  The pre Al Anon me would have looked up job listings, worked out a schedule to pick her up and made my life a living resentful nightmare. 

Happy and Praying....for all of you and your loved ones.





 

Just a Hot Mess

I've missed a lot of Al Anon meetings over the last two months.  My brother was in the hospital in Nashville which is a lot closer to me than his family so I spent a lot of time there.  Then I got a terrible head cold and by the time I got better second Polar vortex had arrived and I just didn't like leaving the house.

Last night I went back for the first time and was greeted with big warm hugs from folks that I really had missed seeing.  We started out small and so we gathered around a round top table.  It was still very cold (single digits) and so we didn't expect a big crowd.  But, little by little people began to trickle in, until we had twice as many folks at our table as it would hold so we just scooted out a bit.

There were a lot of newcomers.  After our meeting got underway, a lady in a wheel chair came rolling  in and when we asked, "looking for Al Anon?" (we often get people looking for the AA meeting which is in another part of the building) she said "well yes since AA was not wheel chair accessible."  She went on to mention that her father was an alcoholic so she felt this meeting would be good too.

We began going around the room talking about various slogans and how they were meaningful in our lives.  The newcomers began sharing mainly about their qualifier, which I guess we have all done in the beginning.  But when we got to the handicapped lady, things went out of control. She started fussing about steps one through three.  She let us know in no uncertain terms that she didn't believe in what they said and wanted to make sure that this wasn't a Christian meeting.  Our GR explained the spiritual nature of our meeting, explaining that it isn't religious. 

When the meeting ended she left before we prayed so that she didn't have to be present for a prayer.  Then she returned to get phone numbers.  We offered her a bottle of water and she began to open it with her teeth.  I asked her if she'd like help opening the water and she was furious.  "Isn't it just like you codependent people to want to fix everything for everybody?"  She didn't stop there. She went on and on and on about how she was perfectly independent and was capable of doing anything she wanted anytime.  I told her that I was sorry and that yes it was just like a codependent person to want to fix it. 

But, man she got under my skin.  And I spent the better part of last night and today trying to figure out why.  Now let me just throw the disclaimers out first.  I know very deeply in my heart that she needed that meeting as much or more than I needed my first meeting.  I know that she struggles ten times harder than I do in doing ordinary everyday tasks. 

Why did this bother me so?  I decided that part of the problem is that every time that I need to apply my Al Anon principles to a new situation, I have to rethink it. Secondly I didn't really want to fix her ( honestly I did want to fix so many other things she mentioned) but not her ability to open her water bottle, I just wanted to be polite.  I can certainly see how she would be hypersensitive about her ability to take care of herself but what I don't know is where the boundary is with regard to offering  help or fixing.  I don't know how to be politically correct, at all.  I tend to be more direct. 

I questioned myself over and over....Was I trying to be controlling?  When I listened to her bash the first three steps, I must admit that I was not thinking warm fuzzy thoughts. I would have loved to have said, "why are you here?  If you don't like it, then there is the door."  Was I allowing my negative thoughts influence the way that I treated her?

My usual sanctuary that is my Al Anon group was not there.  I'm sure this is something in me that I need to look at and address....I'm just not sure what.  Any ideas anyone?  I'm gonna pray about it and I'm gonna keep praying for all of us and our addicted loved ones.

A Little of This and a LIttle of That

It's been a frigid week here in middle Tennessee.  The dogs and I are over being stuck inside.  My skin is even drier than usual, I'm shocking everybody and everything that I touch and I'm starting to feel claustrophobic!  But, better days are ahead.  I looked up sunrise and sunset times for our area and learned that the last ten days of this month gain us 15-16 additional minutes of sunlight.  Sunlight is so important to my mood, I have learned.  I'm thinking of buying one of those clocks that gets brighter as morning approaches.

I received so many thoughtful comments on my last post regarding shame that I decided to give another bit of what I learned here.  Someone commented that they thought that shame can be a good thing and it can.  There is normal healthy shame.  Shame is good when it serves as a boundary to protect us.  The book describes an infant who gets embarrassed when a stranger approaches them as one of the first signs of healthy shame.  Feeling guilty when something tastes so good is a great reminder to stop eating before we overindulge. 

Shame becomes toxic when it becomes internalized.  Healthy shame says I made a mistake; toxic shame says I am the mistake.  When shame is internalized a person feels so bad about themselves that they create a false self.  The author of the book is an adult child of an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic himself.  In one section he uses the twelve steps of AA to to explain how each steps works to restore our relationship to God, self, friend and neighbor through the twelve step program.  Once our relationship is restored to self, there is no need for a false self.  It was such a thoughtful book that it helped me to have a better grasp on what the twelve steps are actually doing in my life.

I had a great day Friday visiting with a cousin.  She has three children.  Two of the three have cystic fibrosis.  So she wanted to start blogging about her experience in the midst of that disease.  We sat with our readers on trying to set up a new word press blog, with neither of us very savvy at setting up a web page.  We fumbled and laughed all day long.  It was so much fun.  Maybe this getting older will afford us more childlike fun.  If you know of someone who battles cystic fibrosis please have them head over to Breath of Heaven and check her out.  She has fourteen years under her belt of first coping and now learning to live with this disease.  And, her journey has been one that has increased her faith, giving her some of the best lessons you can learn.  I'll leave the rest for her to share with you, but it's worth a read.

One last thought, I grew up in a teeny tiny town in western Kentucky on close to seventy-five acres.  My Dad didn't farm by the time I came around but we had the land and it was cherished. But, next door was an older couple named Mamie and Dempsey Dunning.  Dempsey used to wear green Dickies pants and shirt every day.  He sat on his front porch and played his fiddle and sang.  I don't recall if he was any good or not but, what I do remember is how he sang and played with wild abandon.  I also remember how he showed his feelings through that music without regard to what others thought and now I am seeing that that in and of itself was a beautiful thing.  What do you think?

I'm thankful for what God made me to be.  I'm gonna work a little harder to figure out what that is.  I'm proud of my family and thankful for the good and the bad because every bit of those experiences are a tool given for learning.  I'm praying for you guys too.....everyday!

 

Shame

I've been training at the Dad's office for a month or so and then two weeks ago my brother went into the hospital near me for a surgery so I have been with him at least once a day.  Today is a gorgeous sunny day in the mid fifties and I am home and able to work on my own projects.  But, this newfound freedom leaves me a little lost as to what to do first....

I've been doing a lot of reading on shame.  I started teaching a class on making moral decisions at the jail.  I had no training so I went to the internet to look for some teaching ideas.  The only thing I found was a class which was very expensive to take.  Instead, I looked at some of the references that were used in writing that book/class and read them.

One of the books I am reading is John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You.  It is a fascinating book that left me feeling.....ashamed.  No kidding, I started feeling dark and depressed realizing all of the ways that I had shamed my children without even realizing it.  Especially when he mentions not once or twice but many many many times that toxic shame is the root cause of all addictions. 

There is good news though.  There are things that can turn the boat around so to speak.  And, twelve step programs are one of the best tools used in healing the shame that binds us.  Awareness of the shame that we've carried from one generation to the next is another.  It is a fascinating book that I have to take in small pieces.  I was wondering if any of you had any thoughts on shame or had done any reading on the subject.

I'm going to turn 50 in May.  It is a big milestone.  One that I am going to try and greet a bit healthier than I am right now.  This afternoon I will go to Weight Watchers for the first time since my kids were little.  I need accountability. 

My oldest daughter graduated from college in December with two degrees.  She is applying for graduate school in the fall but in the time being she is a veterinary assistant at a small animal clinic near her apartment.  My youngest daughter is in nursing school.  She is going into the hospitals this semester for the first time.  She is very excited.  And the son.....how is he?  I only know that he has maintained a job for a year.  He bought a $500.00 car that actually runs.  He seems clear.  But, he is in God's hands and I try not to know too much or I get in the way. 

Oh my, this life seems to be running by so fast.  I'm learning some pretty important lessons and much of the time it feels as if it's a day late and a dollar short.  Hopefully I will use these lessons in a way that will be of service to others.  In the mean time I'm praying for all of you facing life in the midst of addiction.

Perpetual Worry

My mama sent two boys to Vietnam.  I 've always had a hard time imagining how terrifying that must have been.  One brother was in the Army.  He had a one year tour.  He came home skinny but okay.  The other brother was a Marine.  He was shot by sniper fire in the knee because he was carrying the radio.  He came home within a couple of months of leaving but the scars extended beyond his leg wound.

I have always heard one story in particular that is fascinating to me.  I was only four at the time and because I don't have a memory of it, I rely on the memories of others.  My mother saw an official car drive down the driveway.  She mistakenly thought that if  an official came to your door, there was a death.  She must have gone into a blind panic because as these men got out of the car, she took off her shoes and started throwing them at them and yelled at them to get off of her property. 

Last week the third young man that I knew, in six months, was buried due to overdose.  This young man went to the same high school with the Son.  He was at the same rehab with the Son when he went the first time.  He also attended the second program that the Son attended and they spoke by phone to each other often.  All of those facts caused me to feel that "take off my shoes and throw them" type of reaction.

I guess things never change.  Maybe the impetus of worry is different.  But worry and suffering remain.  It is out of my control.  Those first three of the twelve steps are really the hardest to swallow.  They have layers and layers for me to understand. 

The Son struggles.  And, I struggle to accept.  But, today I do.  I guess that is all that I can ask for.  I am praying for an increase in faith, for your Henry and mine.

 

Find to Your Roots....

I am terribly fascinated by the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius.  In fact, I'm going to start studying them with my priest (thank you Father).  And, now that this has caught my attention, I see bits and pieces of it everywhere.  It's a little like when you are pregnant and suddenly you see all things baby that never caught your attention before.

The twelve step program teaches that you accept that you aren't in control and you rightfully turn that over to God.  The steps teach you to take care of yourself and to start discovering who YOU are....not whose spouse or child you are, not whose mother you are, but who you are once you DETACH from all other things.  It also teaches us to take inventory of our wrongs and to try, when possible, to rectify them. Finally, that instruct you to find a way to serve others.

The spiritual exercises teach us to do many of those same things, but in a creative, contemplative way.  So, I've started my own new inventory control plan.  In addition to reviewing the day from the perspective of how well I followed the ten commandments, now I go through the senses.  What did I see today that was beautiful?  What smelled so wonderful or delicious?  What made me feel really good or excited...either physically or emotionally or mentally?  What sounds made my heart sing?  What tasted so fresh or restorative?  What curiosities am I dying to experience?

I often ask my married girlfriends, What would (first name, maiden name) like/ do.  And, most of them respond in the same fashion....I don't even remember her....That is so sad.  When I say detach from other things, I don't mean the family...I mean detaching from finding joy, happiness and security FROM our families.  We should still find those things from within.  When we do this, we model for our family, the fact that we are trying to use our gifts.  We are modeling an appreciation not only for the gifts from God, but we reinforce the fact that we continue seeking them.  And, in the process, guess who/what we find?

I love the dulled light we see through sheets of rain on the springtime verdant pastures.  I love using almost swear words to make a point....Dhat blasted.... Yesterday, I made homemade chicken soup for my sick kids and when I walked back in the house, that smell made it smell  like a home.  I love going to mass when it's a school mass, hearing mostly children's voices singing with all of those imperfections ringing out loud and clear....now, that's perfection!

I am almost 47 years old and sadly, I am just learning to smell the roses.  Figure out what brings you joy;  it will lead you to your passion.  It will introduce you to God's creation.

 In the movie "Runaway Bride", Julia Roberts thought that she liked whatever type of eggs that her current fiance liked.  It was Richard Gere who pointed out that she liked what she thought others would want her to like.  He told her to call him when she figured out which type of eggs SHE liked.  In the movie, this seemed blatantly obvious to the viewer but, I don't think it's all that unusual.  We are constantly filtering and editing.....maybe it's time to start tasting eggs....

Today, I pray for my son and his addiction.  I pray for him to find who God created him to be.  I pray for him to find the all time high of learning his passion.  I pray for you and me to do the same.  And, as always a prayer for Henry.

What is really underneath it all?

 

Every big life change thrusts you into a new world that you must learn about.  Addiction is no different.  There are so many topics related to this issue.  Every time that I think I understand so much, a new little twist pops up.  I am constantly surprised.  I began looking into the beginning of AA and the 12 step program.  I discovered what a fascinating story that is.  I want to share with you a little of what I've learned.  I think it will help you whether you have addiction in your family or not. 

Let's start with a working knowledge of terms.  Addiction is THE disease.  It isn't just alcoholism or drug addiction.  Scientists have learned that in the brain of the addict, it doesn't matter what the substance is.  If it is booze or pills, stimulants or depressants, in the brain of an addict, it all behaves the same way.  Their brains have over a period of time, become rewired.  That is not to say that they don't have a drug of choice.  It just helps us to understand that the big problem is that of addiction.  Other substances might be substituted with many of the same effects of the drug of choice, in the life of an addict.

About the time of prohibition, we began to see a lot of alcoholics.  Few doctors recognized alcoholism as a medical condition.  Bill W an alcoholic, had found one doctor who looked at addiction as more than just a moral failing. He had treated Bill three other times. Bill was told that if this treatment failed, he would go to a mental institution or die.   On Bill's fourth hospital stay, he was feeling hopeless and cried out "I'll do anything, anything at all."  "If there is a God, Let him show himself."  He then experienced a great light, a sensation of ecstasy and serenity.  It was after this experience that he realized that any recovery could only happen because of a spiritual awakening. 

Bill later meets with an old drinking buddy who is now sober.  He tells Bill that he has found religion.  It helps Bill to talk to this friend. He realizes that alcoholics need other alcoholics to recover.   He then meets a doctor who struggles with addiction.  His name is Dr. Bob.  Together they begin forming what is now AA. 

Now fast forward a few years.  The AA "Big Book" has been printed.  There are a few meetings going on.  But, Bill is frustrated that things aren't taking off as quickly as he'd like.  It was a very cold sleety night.  Someone comes to the door and Bill in his fatigue thinks it's another bum.  He is tired but says come on in.  The fella removes his coat which reveals his priest's collar.  The man is Father Ed Dowling, a Jesuit priest.  He came to tell him how similar the 12 steps are to the "Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius."  Bill replies, " never heard of him."  This gets a laugh out of Father Ed but begins a great friendship between the two men.

Now, let's go back in time.  St. Ignatius, the author of the spiritual exercises, had his own "at the bottom" moment.  He was a great warrior.  He was very proud.  An injury forced him to be bed ridden for a very long time.  He requested reading material that had to do with warriors and battles but the only reading material was "Vita Christi" by Ludolph Saxony.  This book known as Simple Contemplation, asks the reader to place himself at each of the scenes of the gospel stories.  It was a condensed version of spiritual instructions, meditations and prayers that he had heard from over sixty writers, with regard to spiritual matters.  This made Ignatius experience a conversion.  He went on to form the Society of Jesus (Jesuits). 

OK, this is a very abbreviated version of a couple of men, separated by more than 400 yrs.  What could they possibly have in common?  As a parent of an addict, I have acquired this new vocabulary this year.  We've talked about detaching, learning the will of God through discernment, we've talked about dependence on God, we've talked about understanding the harms that we've done to others and then to make amends for them, we've talked about sponsors who advise you and have the courage to tell you when you are wrong.   We were advised to continue to take a moral inventory of ourselves and to make amends.  We do this so that thru prayer and meditation so that we can improve our contact with God.  And we are taught to take this message to others.  Learning these things was like hitting the lottery.  These activities have helped our family so much.  I had wished that the 12 steps were around when my grandfather, Henry was alive. 

Guess what, they were.  Well, not the 12 steps.  But, the idea that we give up control and become dependent on God.  The idea that we get to know ourselves and our motivations better so that we can learn through the gospel stories how Jesus lived.  The idea of frequent confession so that we can focus on the will of God.  St. Ignatius gave such great instructions for discernment.  He thought that everyone needed a spiritual advisor who could be honest  so that they  could see their authentic self.  Then he advised them to take God's message to others. 

Sound familiar?  Ever heard, "they need to hit rock bottom?"  Well, Ignatius and Bill had hit rock bottom.  In both cases, God intervened.  Ever heard of an intervention?  I really thought I was learning new cutting edge information.  Nope same problems, same solutions.  Do you suppose addictions are only to drugs and alcohol?  I don't anymore.  I think we are ALL addicts.  We might have different drugs of choice.  Ours might be legal.  But, addictions are something we need more and more of.  They are something we don't think we can live without.  We might spend more and more time trying to get what we want.  I love sugar.  I've told my endocrinologist that I needed AA for sugar and he agreed with me.  He said it was an addiction.  There is also power, money, attention, sex, food, and ANYTHING that you  can't or won't give up to maintain a healthy relationship with God (remember he is a jealous God).   You are as,  George Strait says in a really good song, "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places." 

Why are we so afraid?  Why were Adam and Eve afraid in the garden?  Sin....it is that voice telling us that it won't hurt to do what we want.  This is were we need to get to know ourselves....where we need to practice discernment.  Does the voice we hear tell us what we want to hear or does it bring us back to God? 

When we start peeling all of the rubbish off of our pile, we learn what is important.  Peeling back....detaching.  Relying on THE ONE, can show you what God sent you here for.  Now, how cool is that?  How exciting is that?  We, like the addict, have been mucking up God's plans.  But, it's not too late.  It never is. 

Today my prayer is that each reader will peel back to learn what is underneath.  God is at our core.  Can you find him?  I pray for the ability to recognize right from wrong, good from evil and life from death.  I also pray for the soul of my Henry and yours. 

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The pressure is off!  Why, you might ask?  Well, because it's not MY problem.  Does that mean that I don't care or worry?  No, I care enough to let it be his problem no matter what.  No matter if he has a hard time.  No matter if he is uncomfortable.  No matter if he does it the hardest way possible.  No matter even, if he falls and I pray he doesn' t (everyday).  This is in a very large part, due to step 3.  Al-anon is saving me and helping my family as a whole.  It didn't ever really matter or help when I was trying so hard to control.  I think that the only thing it really did was to delay the inevitable.  In my maddening effort to fix this, I only allowed it to continue. 

I have set boundaries for my son.  Letting go doesn't mean that I will be a hands off do as you wish kind  of gal.  I have told my son that I will support and help aid him in his recovery as long as I know that he is truly working the steps.  He knows that I expect total honesty no matter how much he thinks that the truth might hurt.  He also knows in no uncertain terms that I will NEVER aid him in either going to prison or dying.  There are 3 paths that an addict can take.  They are prison, death or recovery.  Those are some pretty hard realities.  So, why I wonder in light of this information could I ever say whew, pressure's off?  This is my situation.  It's the same situation that I was in before, only I hadn't yet had the courage to turn the light on in the dark room and look the devil in the eye.   Now, I have.  It has become painfully obvious that my son took this path with me trying to "control"  the situation. 

While I was trying to fix things along the way, I was in a constant state of planning.....trying to fix each and every little thing (symptom) instead of standing back and looking at the whole picture.  I was ignoring what I needed to be doing at work, as mom and as a child of God.  I was sending the message to my son that he couldn't do it.  I was trusting that I could do it myself.  Doesn't it seem totally ridiculous to think that you have the ability to to do it better than God?  Well, you might say..."Oh, I would never think that I could do it better than God", but when we refuse to let go, then we either think that or that we only want it done our way.  I think that's a little arrogant.  It's totally stupid.....so give it up.  The sign as you leave, where my son went to rehab says, "Let go and let God".  I love that. 

Turning your will AND lives over to the CARE of God as we understood Him.  Doesn't that even sound good.  God, caring for us.  When I stop getting in the way of God's beautiful, out of this world, more than you could ever expect or imagine plans, things work.  They may not work on my time, but, I am learning about myself during the wait.  I learn subtle little things and sometimes ah-ha moment kind of things, but I always learn. God created me.  I have spent so much time listening to others tell me things about myself.  It is now nice to enjoy the nice,quiet stillness of waiting and listening for God's words and thoughts.  It is through listening and responding ACCORDING to His will that I am learning what really needs my attention.  God does take care of me.  I never gave Him a chance before.  It is so wonderful finally believing that He will provide what I need.  I don't have to worry.  If something happens, He will help me deal with it THEN.  NOW, I have no reason to worry.  All of the things I worried over in the past, mostly never happened.  The thing I didn't imagine, did.  Perhaps if I wasn't so preoccupied with things that could go wrong then I might have been able to better see what WAS going wrong.  Giving over my will and life to God actually gives me life.  It helps me to learn and feel closer to God.  It helps restore me.  I highly recommend it. 

Today, my prayer is for those suffering from addiction, those suffering from the effects of addiction or anything that life has thrown at them, will have the courage to let go and let God.  I thank God for taking care of me all of this time and ask Him to forgive my ignorance in thinking that I could only take care of things.  I pray for perseverance for my son and as always I pray for the soul of Henry.