Sunday, October 20, 2013

Perpetual Worry

My mama sent two boys to Vietnam.  I 've always had a hard time imagining how terrifying that must have been.  One brother was in the Army.  He had a one year tour.  He came home skinny but okay.  The other brother was a Marine.  He was shot by sniper fire in the knee because he was carrying the radio.  He came home within a couple of months of leaving but the scars extended beyond his leg wound.

I have always heard one story in particular that is fascinating to me.  I was only four at the time and because I don't have a memory of it, I rely on the memories of others.  My mother saw an official car drive down the driveway.  She mistakenly thought that if  an official came to your door, there was a death.  She must have gone into a blind panic because as these men got out of the car, she took off her shoes and started throwing them at them and yelled at them to get off of her property. 

Last week the third young man that I knew, in six months, was buried due to overdose.  This young man went to the same high school with the Son.  He was at the same rehab with the Son when he went the first time.  He also attended the second program that the Son attended and they spoke by phone to each other often.  All of those facts caused me to feel that "take off my shoes and throw them" type of reaction.

I guess things never change.  Maybe the impetus of worry is different.  But worry and suffering remain.  It is out of my control.  Those first three of the twelve steps are really the hardest to swallow.  They have layers and layers for me to understand. 

The Son struggles.  And, I struggle to accept.  But, today I do.  I guess that is all that I can ask for.  I am praying for an increase in faith, for your Henry and mine.



Summer said...

Oh Hattie, this makes me so sad. I'm praying right along with you! Hang in there, mama.

Annette said...

The first three steps are the foundation for all that we stand our faith, in our program and in letting go of those sweet and precious kids of ours. I hear you Hattie. Even in sobriety, it always feels so fragile...but its not ours to hold together. I wish so much that it was, because as we all know, there is no one more motivated or more capable of holding their child's sobriety together (with only a slight strangle hold) than a mother. ;o) For whatever silly reason though....its not part of God's plan for us or them. Maybe because He wants us each to find our freedom and to build our foundations individually. Keep your shoes on Love....God has a plan and our kids have a free will whether to accept it or not. As do we. ((HUG))

Hattie Heaton said...

Oh my Annette, I'd come sit on your couch if you were a counselor!

Sallie said...

Learned last night that my son relapsed for the 4th time in the last year or so after 7 months in treatment. This time it was actually at a time when he was really moving forward. A job with future potential, back in college making As and living in a good situation or at least he was.

I sent him a note this morning to say that I am choosing today to believe: God is still in Control. Although my son is powerless over his addiction, God is not. Lastly, Even if we dont know the next steps, God does.

Learning to accept that I cannot control my son's choices has been a hard lesson for me to learn. So, with each relapse, I learn something else...I only the same holds true for my son...

Hattie Heaton said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. Each and everyone is meaningful.