Mercy Works......

Last Thursday,  I arrived at the county jail to a swarm of busy-ness.  I have two classes each Thursday and in the five years that I have been coming and going, I had never seen such activity.  The day before our local drug task force had captured and arrested thirty-three men and women involved in the illegal purchase and sale of narcotics.  There are still seven under investigation.

When I got home later that day, I looked on my Facebook feed ( which I have a love/hate relationship with) to see various posts of celebration from folks in my county on the arrests of all of those "low lives". 

Some of the comments included sentiments such as "proud to be from a county that locks those thugs away" or "justice is served" or even "so happy that that trash is off our streets".

I found myself growing angry with these people who had made the statements.  I had to sit in quiet with God to figure out the source of my anger and this is what I came up with:

I do think that it is good that we stop the illegal sale of drugs.  I think it's good that these folks receive a consequence for their action.  But, the lynch mob mentality towards those arrested was quite disturbing. 

Each person arrested  is a son or daughter.  Each person arrested is a child of God.  I understand that it is a good thing to discover who is selling them and to stop that person but make no mistake, there will probably be another one there in short order to fill his spot or like the bad disease that addiction is, that drug ring will morph in a new way until the authorities have time to catch up to them.

And then there is this:  I have started working on a new mentorship program there at the jail and I have been asked to work with a lady who gets out near the end of September.  I met her last week for the first time. 

We discussed her needs.  She has no home to go back to, no clothing once out, no job, no family support, no education to speak of, her only ID is a revoked drivers license and she is scared to death.  She has written to every recovery house in our area to try to secure housing but inside jail she can only communicate by mail and on occasion by phone.  The recovery houses have asked her to contact them by phone.  On her few opportunities to phone, she gets a voice mailbox.

I'm going to call this lady Maggie.  Maggie filled out our form which assesses need.  She has held a job for as long as seven years at a time.  She has survived the addiction of her first family, physical, emotional and sexual abuse the best way that she knew how.  Even though at one time she was suicidal, she now feels like she is ready to try living again.

Sitting face to face with this woman taught me a lot about myself.  It was hard at first to look beyond the tattoos and missing teeth.  It was hard to look at the un-kept hygiene of someone who was about an inch away from giving up again.  But then I thought of my mentor ( at least in my mind) who is Mother Teresa.  What would she do?

If you follow her, you know.  I looked deeply into Maggie's eyes.  I kept my gaze there.  Jesus was there and as soon as I reminded myself of that fact, I stopped noticing the evidence of a hard life.  Maggie was weak and soft.  She is a heart crying out to find something that she has never had .....love. 

We talked for the two hours that our class lasted.  Towards the end I asked about whether or not she had a felony.  It is a lot more difficult to secure a job if you have a felony. 
"Yes" she said. 
Was it violent?  I asked.  Another hurdle for finding a job.
"Yes, she said.  I was so high on pills that I stabbed my husband." 
"Is he okay"  I asked. 
"Oh yes, it was superficial.  He's in here now."

Here I am sitting with a lady who stabbed her husband.  And, because we sat face to face and I was able to look beyond the label of 'assault with a deadly weapon', I understand very clearly that I have no right to judge. 

Am I naïve about her chances of reoffending?

 No.

Do I believe that simply locking people up and getting them off the streets for a certain period of time will work or even make our society better?

 No.

But, then I think about my mentor.  Sometimes, when she found the dying in the streets, she only had the time to hold them in her arms and stay with them as they died, gazing into the eyes of Jesus.  She might have taken them back to her Home for the Dying and bathed and fed them knowing that in the end it would not save their life.  But, her goal was only to love and serve. 

And so, for me, that will be my goal.  For whatever period of time that I have with them, I will gaze into the eyes of Jesus....offering the love that is freely given to me in spite of my offenses.  I will leave the final results in the hands of God.

That is the lesson that I wish that I could convey to those who made those comments.  But, then again, you have to be ready to receive the message.

 Funny thing is this:  It took addiction to open my heart to receive enough so that I could give it away.

Praying for us all.
 

Trust More

John Kavanaugh, philosophy professor at SLU and Jesuit priest, once asked Mother Teresa to pray for him to have clarity during his formation process.  She said, "I've never had clarity and certitude.  I only have trust.  I'll pray that you trust."

What a spunky gal she was....just getting to the meat of the problem.  I've been in a real funk...wanting to know what I was supposed to do with myself.  So, I bought this book , "God's Voice Within".  And, I'm learning (again) that I need to use today as a day of service. 

Enough Said.

Today I am thankful for the gift of books to help continue to guide me.  I am thankful for sobriety for those who have it and pray for it for those who still strive for it and I say a prayer for Henry.

May I introduce you to.....

If you have ever owned an animal, then you know that it can take up to a year to really get to know them.  We have a little dog who is afraid of the dark and won't go potty at night unless you go out with her.  During the day she is a wild adventurer.  She is a man's dog.  She loves to rough house, the rougher the better.  She loves to pick fights with our other male dog.  She is like the kid in the commercial who almost touches his sister with his index finger while saying over and over, "I'm not touching you."  Our little dog just scarcely touches our male dog's tail and I can see her little happy self saying, "I'm not touching you."  She loves to cuddle but only to a point and then she's done and wants to go off and have her own space.  She is not a morning dog and likes to sleep in longer than anyone else, both man and dog, in the house.  She loves it when you call her a "good girl" and will come in as long as you say, "where's my good girl?" 

It took time to learn what each of these behaviorrs meant.  It took time to be able to tell when she was whining at the door to potty and when she was just wanting to go out and play.  It took time for us to trust her and for her to trust us. 

I have this new and different son, now.  He is a sober evolving young man.  It is just so bizarre.  I've really only known this addict for the last several years and now there's this stranger.  I think that we are strange to him too.  I think that he doesn't remember us in the same way either.  Hopefully, we are evolving too.  I don't know his new mannerisms.  I don't know if he's having a hard day.  I don't know what his thoughts might be.  I know very little about this young man that I gave birth to many years ago.  With my daughters, I can read their body language and tone of voice.  I find myself looking at him and trying to read him and I really just don't  know at all what is going on. 

At first, this just scared me to death.  I thought his need to separate him self was something personal.  Now, I know that he is just working very very hard on himself.  Every now and again, I get these glimpses of this new young man and I am so impressed.  But, many times, I am just still afraid and am trying to figure things out.  You see I haven't totally let go and it will be a hard lesson for me to really learn and practice.  But, I"m gonna try and try and try.  I am so thankful for these new gifts however small that God is giving us, because deep down, I just know that these little gifts are gonna snowball into something magnificent. 

Mother Teresa is one of my favorite christian models.  She is a saint already in my eyes and heart.  I love her because she was a simple woman with tremendous faith.  She used to say that she was God's pencil.  She believed that He would write with her what he wished her to be and do.  Her faith was so big that she was willing to push  many of her superiors and various priests to do what she felt that God was telling her to do.  She would be told to be patient and pray and when she would still have those feelings to push forward, she did, no matter who she had to push....all to follow the will of God.  She was so courageous in following God's will.  I could never have her strength and courage, but if I can just try to take a lesson from her in my life today and let go, let God and see what He writes with my son and his recovery, then maybe I indeed, will see something beautiful for God. 

I can't wait to meet my son, each new day,  as he becomes the man that God wishes him to be.  Each little glimpse into this new person he is becoming is a little seed of faith that makes it easier to let go.  This newness is so much better than anything, that I could have "fixed" or dreamed. 

I am still afraid every day.  I am afraid of relapse always and especially early on, but each day gives me some encouragement too.  It's like when you're little and learning to dive off the high dive and you get on the board so high in the air.  It feels soooo high.  You think of all of the possible problems and they overwhelm you and make you shake to the point that you have to get off.  The next day when you get up there you are already aware of the problems but they still scare you.  You keep getting back up there and start facing one fear and then the next until you finally you can make a move.

 Today, I'm praying for the courage to let go just a little more.  I also have a prayer of thanksgiving for his new growth, and the example of Mother Teresa's courage.  I pray for my whole family to work on their individual needs so that collectively we can be become a family that is something beautiful for God.  And, as always, I will pray for Henry.