The Past Meets the Future

We drove thru Mississippi several times each year when I was growing up.  At Memphis the terrain looked different.  My mother was from Tupelo.  My aunt lived in Jackson.  I loved the beautiful pine trees and the hanging moss trees that dotted the low flat roadways.  Tobacco and corn gave way to cotton and sorghum.  I always wondered about Billie Joe McCalister as I crossed the Tallahatchie River.  The visits with my cousins were fun and a little exotic to a girl from such a small town in Kentucky.  I memorized the drive.

Cousin and I saw the movie "Grease" four times one summer until Uncle found out and put a stop to it!!  We delivered the Clairon Ledger early in the morning wearing shorts and t-shirts and rollers in our hair.  We rode bikes to the pool and ice cream shop and sometimes to Kroger to buy shrimp off a truck that brought it fresh from the gulf each day.

The last time that I made that trip was twenty-seven years ago to be a bridesmaid in my cousins wedding.  The church was a beautiful stone building right across the street from the state capitol building in Jackson.

Big Sister is going to grad school.  She will be a doctoral student at Louisiana Tech University.  The first trip we made, we went thru Arkansas.  It was exhausting.  The second trip, we drove thru Jackson and went west thru Vicksburg on past Monroe to Ruston.  Memories began to flood back into my mind. 

My daughter would travel these same roads that me and my mother did.  She was going as far away from home that the Dad and I did just twenty-nine years ago.  The past was meeting the future.  Wonder how it's all connected?  Does it mean anything?

We moved Big Sister into her apartment.  She hung a mirror on the wall by the front door.  One last glance before heading out to be sure the hair is just right before going out.  But as I caught a glance of myself taking one last load up her stairs I didn't see myself in that mirror.  I saw an older woman that looked an awful lot like my mother.

Time marches on.  Time marches on.  Trying to live in this moment.  Even though my mind is caught up in the past.  In April, all three kids were at home.  We asked the son to leave a month ago.  He is where he needs to be to decide the kind of life that he wishes to live.  Big Sister is making her way far away.  Little sister begins school one week from today.

Our full crazy house will be quiet again.  I am sad and I am glad.  Not sure how to think or feel but going to keep praying. 





 

Coming Full Circle

I have five brothers and sisters.  And, I have twenty nieces and nephews.  And, fourteen great nieces and nephews.  We are a prolific bunch!  Yesterday I traveled an hour away to see my niece and her newest child, just five days old.  He was so tiny.  This is her fourth child and so I decided to take them dinner instead of a baby gift.  By the time you have four, two boys and two girls, you have it (baby clothes, furniture, tools)  all.  But, you don't have time. 

This niece is my oldest brother's daughter.  While growing up, he was my favorite.  He is seventeen years older than me and he took me everywhere.  He tried ( and failed) to get me into sports.  He read to me, turning me  into a voracious reader.  We lived in a tiny town in Kentucky.  There were no book stores for miles around.  But, we had a library and we lived in the country so  the bookmobile came around every two weeks.  My brother worked on the railroad so when he went to a town where there was a bookstore, he always brought me back books. 

He got married when I was in my early teens and when he and his wife had a baby, I loved hanging out at their house.  It went well for a while but then my sister-in-law's drinking became a wedge between her and every single area of her life.  It was ugly.  We became distant.  Everyone just wanted to steer clear of the insanity that is alcoholism.  I grew up, got married and moved away.  Then my own cloud of addiction entered the picture.  They say that if you don't deal with things in your life, God will continue to give you opportunities to learn from them and so I guess he did.

Yesterday was the first time that I've really talked to my niece.  Oh we've chatted, but yesterday we talked about what was/is real.  And it was such a blessing.  This little girl that I knew is now a grown woman carrying scars from addiction but surviving it.  She is a loving mother, good wife and so diligent in providing for her children, what she did not have.  I am so impressed.  But, I want her to learn to take care of herself and to model that for her children. 

I want to get to know her again.  I want to get to know the others.  Addiction is the big elephant in the family room of my big extended family.  If we all gathered at the same time, we could form our own Al Anon group and probably an AA group as well.  I just think it's time we started to talk to each other. 

In other news, it is the second day of lent and the time changes this weekend.  I can't believe it's spring forward time again.  It's been so  cold that it doesn't seem like it can be that time, already.  Weight Watchers was cancelled due to weather which bummed me out because tracking both food and weight really help me. 

Big Sister got an invitation to interview for a position in a PhD program in Louisiana.  We are going down next weekend for a tour and a day of events followed by her interview.  I think she was shocked by the invitation.  She only expected to be accepted into masters programs. 

The Son is working for his Dad until he gets a new job.  I have a lot of concerns about that.  I really want to be careful that we aren't enabling.  We did need an employee and he had just quit a job but it can be a slippery slope.  Praying you guys.

 

And the Weather Outside is Frightful....

     I am a world away from my life, at present.  I am in not so sunny southern California while my husband attends his annual continuing education conference.  We left the day after emptying the contents of the home that we raised our children in.  The corrupted home where my son began and continued to use drugs under my very nose.  The home where on October 19th, I left with him in tow to detox in a psychiatric hospital before entering a 12 step immersion retreat, telling him, "you will never come back to this house again," as if the home itself was a cause of this problem.  And, while I know that it is not, I do feel that that house is an ugly reminder of many things gone wrong.  I do know that I would always worry that it would be a trigger for him.

     Not only am I a world away from the life I knew physically, but emotionally and mentally.  The move is a physical change that comes about to mark a lot of interior change happening in the heart and mind of this family.  This trip was one for peace in mind and heart.  It is a trip to begin a practice of letting go of everything to the wisdom and guidance of my heavenly Father.  It is a relief, in fact to have traveled to this place.

    While I have made many steps in the right direction, I have many more to go.  My son's time at this program is creeping ever closer to a close where he will embark on the next, not so safe step, in his recovery.  He will enter a recovery house as soon as he leaves that program.  So, letting go will be tested again very soon.  This has entered the minds of both me and his dad as the dad woke very early this morning to a nightmare of the son coming home high. 

     There is a lot of work to do to travel to the place of "holy indifference".  But, it is the destination.  Today, I am thankful for the sale of our home.  I am thankful that the move is complete.  I am thankful for recovery for our son.  I am thankful for a simpler lifestyle.  I pray for continued recovery for all of our addicted loved ones and as always, I say a prayer for the soul of Henry.

    

 

Knots

Sweeping out from behind the newly moved sofa, I find pony tail holders, dog bones, pens, dust bunnies, memories both sad and happy all etched with a feeling of loss and sorrow.  The house grows empty.  It is begins to echo as it detaches from our family, piece by piece.

The Dad's heart is heavy as he stops for a hug.  "We are okay?", I ask.  He nods the affirmative.  "Then what else matters?" We keep moving forward.  This is but another death.  A dying to self and the past.  It is a visible reminder of what could have been different.

The girls hang around much longer than normal before going back to school.  They want to see their home one more time before they go.  They have worked so hard to help us move.  My heart is heavy for what they have had to go through.

Son calls from rehab.  I don't know what he really feels yet.  I don't think he does either.  I am thankful that he is not here, now.

These problems of ours seem to have grown using  compound interest.  They have become tangled and knotted into such a mess that when one is resolved three new problems are revealed.  One very dark and worrisome day, I googled novena for drug addiction and I stumbled upon this novena titled Mary Undo-er of Knots.  I began praying it and have found great comfort in it as well as tremendous helps in these difficult times.  You can find the prayers here.

Today, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for the gifts of the church.  I am thankful for all of the resources available to those who suffer from the disease of addiction.  I pray for their recovery and their families who support them.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

A Little Lost

  Trust is a detachment from control ( my definition...don't quote me).  I'm having a spectacularly difficult time resting in faith, right now.  My house is exactly one week away from closing, if all goes well.  I sit here typing while waiting on the appraiser to arrive; the last item on the list of things to do before closing.  It makes me a nervous wreck.  Tomorrow we have another showing.  Our realtor does not believe in taking chances and will continue to show it until the ink dries.

Son is at his 12 step immersion retreat and the counselor called saying that he was doing well but moving slowly with regard to the first step.  So, now I'm worrying about that.  Why oh why do I do this?  Someone please tell me how to turn this off.

I want so desperately to do things differently this time around.  As I sit here to write, I start to dig out my feelings and I think that I am afraid to accept the possibility that he might not make it.  I am afraid of totally letting him go back into addiction because if he does, I will not be able to afford to put him in a safe place to recover.  I am afraid of this disease taking him completely.  I am afraid to entertain the thought of burying my son.

There it is, my greatest fear.  And some how, my worrying about the fact that he is struggling with the first step leads me straight to the worst possible scenario.  I wonder if parenting a child who suffers from drug addiction counts for time off in purgatory? 

Today is another day in the desert.  I'm so tired of of the mountains of worry here.  I hate addiction.  I hate feeling so lost.  I know that God has been so good.  I know that I could turn all of this around and look at it from the point of gratitude. 

He is in recovery.  Thanks be to God.  There is a contract on the house.  Thanks be to God.  He is struggling with this first step, but he's got ten other young men there to help him ( and they are trying to teach him to ask for help which they say he has trouble with) and maybe this is one big step in changing the way he does business.  Thanks be to God.

Ignatian spirituality teaches us to have "holy indifference" to anything and everything.  That requires a great deal of trust.  The reason I can't trust that much is because I want it to turn out the way I want it.  I don't trust enough to let go of my will, not all of the time anyway.

So, I sit here a little lost and fearful.  I will continue to pray for courage.  I am thankful for this opportunity for recovery for both son and for myself.  I am thankful for the contract on the house.  I am thankful for good friends and family.  I pray for recovery for all of our addicted loved ones.  And, as always one for Henry.

 

History Revisited

I am turning into my mother.  All through my life, I've gone to the doctor and filled out those medical history forms and been checked for all sorts of problems common to my family history.  Just like an addict who feels invincible, I too feel like yes,  maybe later in life I would experience some common health problems that other family members have had, but for now, I can do what I want.

But, here I am at 47 years old, diabetes, high blood pressure and rapid heart rate and my  gall bladder came out this summer. It feels a little like those awkward teenage years where your body starts making these crazy changes taking you into adulthood, out of your control and a little scary.  I know I have control over diet and exercise but not my genetic makeup. 

I guess I got a wake up call.  Maybe this is my personal bottom.  Maybe this will be the time that I take my health seriously.  Maybe not.  Maybe it will take something more serious.  I can relate to the addict in many ways. 

What I do know is that food is my drug of choice.  I do know that when I don't have time to stay connected spiritually, I slip.  I do know that when I try to do things on my own, I slip.  I do know that when life gets so busy and harried and I stop listening to the warning signals that my body gives, I not only slip but trip and tumble, head over heels to the bottom.

My mom died from the complications of diabetes.  She was on dialysis.  We were told how much better she'd feel when she went on dialysis and she did for a week or two but after that it was all down hill.  She died after 8 months.  Dialysis is life support.  But, not much living went on while she was on it.  I don't know that I'd ever choose dialysis.  But, here I am a little scared because high blood pressure and rapid heart rate damage your eyes and your kidneys. 

Will I ever learn?  Will our addicts ever learn?  I guess the common denominator here is the fact that both me and the addict don't deal with our problems.  We just cover them up for the short term instead of dealing with a long term solution.  Knowledge doesn't equal acceptance or the courage or due diligence to use the information. 

Today I pray for the strength to do what I need to do.  I pray for Lou and Andrew and the Dad.  I pray for my son and all of your sons and daughters.  I am thankful for your knowledge and wisdom that I count on reading daily.  And I say a prayer for Henry.

Finding Me Day 11

I'm a little behind on posting but today I took a look back at my blog.  I looked at my very first post,  then a few others.  I was struck by just how lucky I really am.   Because of the journey I've been on, I've had a paradigm shift...... a much needed one. 

I keep thinking of Dr. Martin Luther King's famous quote where his wish for his kids is that they will be judged by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin.  If I am honest, I must admit to being judgemental for all kinds of ridiculous things.  While I may not judge for skin color, I have judged for messy rooms, bad grades, the way things "look", and a host of ridiculous things that my kids have about as much control over as MLK's kids had control over their skin color. 

One of the gifts of this journey is fresh eyes.  Today, I see that my kids are so marvelous.  It took my getting out of their way to see who they really are.  My son inspires me.  When I look at the changes he has made, I am so impressed.  He has a serious work ethic.  His sense of humor leaves me in stitches.  And, if he weren't my son and I was his age, I'd want to be his friend because of how great he is.  I know that when I need him, he'll be there for me. 

My oldest daughter has this tough exterior but a soft vulnerable soul.  I think she's the only one who doesn't see how special she is.  She is so gifted at so many things that she could really take her pick of occupations.  But, caring for others is her specialty...sometimes to the detriment of herself. 

My youngest daughter is this little ray of sunshine.  She is quiet but she can pack a punch.  She is very thoughful and detail oriented.  Because of health problems, she has the wisdom of an old soul.

My husband and I are doing something that I am so proud of.  We are going to marriage counseling.  A lot of folks consider those who are in counseling to be those who are in trouble.  I think those who are in counseling to be those who love each other and their kids enough to realize the need to do things right for the rest of their lives. 

Counseling has made me realize that every person just needs to feel loved, needs to belong to others, needs to be appreciated for their unique gifts, needs to be heard.....needs to be loved! 

I am so blessed.  My new eyes don't look at the world anymore.  And, it's amazing because what's inside of my house is far better than anything outside of it.  I have a husband who is working so hard both at work and at home to build our family up.  I've got these three great young adult children.  Watching them find their way in life is like watching the bud of a rose unfold.  The content of their character makes me so proud. 

If I can pass along one thing it is this.....look deeply at what is important and then cherish it, nourish it and be grateful for it.  Today I share my favorite prayer with you and I'll throw in a prayer for Henry.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Metamorphosis sounds better than change.....

Metamorphosis is defined as a complete change in character or appearance.  I wonder if it's painful to go from caterpillar to pupa to butterfly?  I think that going from caterpillar to pupa would be so frightening, but if you made it to butterfly, spreading those wings into flight would not only be a vision of beauty but also amazingly freeing.

My family is changing so much.  It seems like there is just one change after the next with little to no time for breathing.  And, I feel like it is all necessary change.  But, it hurts and is so exhausting. 

If I am honest with myself, I can sit back (as mom) and say, "you've earned this missy".  So many things I didn't want to deal with (like the addict) I now know that I must deal with.  So, I do, but it's hard.  I've put off so much and now I have this avalanche of unfinished business. 

The twelve steps have taught me to take care of myself.  Who knew I could be so much trouble to take care of?  Don't ask my husband....anyway, it's hard to buck the system, fight the man, stand up for yourself, deal with those who don't really like you to start with, but to become a healthy person.....to teach my children to be healthy, I must model these hard lessons for them. 

Here is the message I'm going to have painted on my bathroom mirror.....It's all out of YOUR control....give it to God!!!!!  Every single little tiny care is important to God.  What if we always remembered that?  If I really remembered that, I'd probably feel a lot less like a bucket with a hole in it...always needing refilled, never making it to full. 

This post is such a rant.  I'm sorry but today, I just needed to take to the couch and try to sort out these nagging feelings that are overwhelming me.  So, today I say a prayer of Thanksgiving for the freedom to take to my couch and post....to you and God.  I pray for an organized brain that will help me remember the proper channels to use to get to where God needs me to go.  I pray for courage during change.  I pray for wisdom for the journey.  I pray for our loved ones who fight addiction, that they may never let it fool them into thinking it's not the bad guy.  And, I pray for you, Henry.

The devil you know....

I wonder why change is so frightening.  If you think about it, most people don't really look forward to change.  It really doesn't matter how you feel about your situation, the idea of something different isn't something that we look forward to.  In fact, things have to really hit bottom before we have the courage to ask for something different.  That was certainly the case in my situation.  It took the very worst information possible for me to have the courage to say, "OK Lord, I will take my head out of the sand and follow your will, no matter how awful." 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."  How many times have we read or heard this pray but not really thought too much about it?  I have plenty of times.  Today, I read and really listen to those words.  I am a slow learner.  I have a lot to learn and to begin to understand what change really is or means.  Change is the process of being different.  Not bad different or good different, just different.  Metamorphosis is another word referring to change.  It is any complete change in appearance, character or circumstances.  Why is it that we automatically assume that it will be a bad change?  I guess it is because letting go of one thing for something we don't know involves risk.  We don't know what we will get.  If we know what we face, we somehow think we have some amount of control over the situation.  What a foolish notion. 

There are so many changes going on in my world.  I'm not sure what to make of it, sometimes.  Today, I read a little daily Al-anon reading about making a list of what we have to be grateful for.  Just learning to recognize those gifts in the midst of chaos, is a change of perspective.  I think that learning to rise above the fear if only for a few moments, is a gift.  I think that being slowly and carefully open to change is a gift.  I am starting to see that pulling my grimy little hands off of things I have NO control over, is a gift. If I see change as growth instead of loss, then that is a gift. 

My family is changing, evolving, growing.....What made me sad a few weeks ago, is starting to excite me.  Don't get me wrong, I still have fear and anxiety....it just doesn't consume me.  After all growth involves stumbling along the way.  I see my son growing with some good ideas and some not so good.  I will let go and send a prayer that he is also able to listen to the will of God and change when necessary.  Letting go is probably my biggest change.  It is starting to feel like a relief.  It never was my problem.  It was my son's.  He isn't a child anymore.  I will have faith that he will grow into the person God intends him to be.

Today my prayer list is long.  I pray for continued sobriety for my son.  I pray for his thoughful consideration in all his decisions.  I pray for our families abilty to change and grow.  My prayer of thanksgiving is for all of the changes we've already experienced.  It is for the hope I am starting to feel again.  It is for being able to laugh again.  It is for all of the wonderful family and friends and their loving support which have held us strong through this storm.  I also pray for Henry and all those like him.