Thursday, November 8, 2012

A Little Lost

  Trust is a detachment from control ( my definition...don't quote me).  I'm having a spectacularly difficult time resting in faith, right now.  My house is exactly one week away from closing, if all goes well.  I sit here typing while waiting on the appraiser to arrive; the last item on the list of things to do before closing.  It makes me a nervous wreck.  Tomorrow we have another showing.  Our realtor does not believe in taking chances and will continue to show it until the ink dries.

Son is at his 12 step immersion retreat and the counselor called saying that he was doing well but moving slowly with regard to the first step.  So, now I'm worrying about that.  Why oh why do I do this?  Someone please tell me how to turn this off.

I want so desperately to do things differently this time around.  As I sit here to write, I start to dig out my feelings and I think that I am afraid to accept the possibility that he might not make it.  I am afraid of totally letting him go back into addiction because if he does, I will not be able to afford to put him in a safe place to recover.  I am afraid of this disease taking him completely.  I am afraid to entertain the thought of burying my son.

There it is, my greatest fear.  And some how, my worrying about the fact that he is struggling with the first step leads me straight to the worst possible scenario.  I wonder if parenting a child who suffers from drug addiction counts for time off in purgatory? 

Today is another day in the desert.  I'm so tired of of the mountains of worry here.  I hate addiction.  I hate feeling so lost.  I know that God has been so good.  I know that I could turn all of this around and look at it from the point of gratitude. 

He is in recovery.  Thanks be to God.  There is a contract on the house.  Thanks be to God.  He is struggling with this first step, but he's got ten other young men there to help him ( and they are trying to teach him to ask for help which they say he has trouble with) and maybe this is one big step in changing the way he does business.  Thanks be to God.

Ignatian spirituality teaches us to have "holy indifference" to anything and everything.  That requires a great deal of trust.  The reason I can't trust that much is because I want it to turn out the way I want it.  I don't trust enough to let go of my will, not all of the time anyway.

So, I sit here a little lost and fearful.  I will continue to pray for courage.  I am thankful for this opportunity for recovery for both son and for myself.  I am thankful for the contract on the house.  I am thankful for good friends and family.  I pray for recovery for all of our addicted loved ones.  And, as always one for Henry.



beachteacher said...

I'm continuing to pray for your son's lasting recovery Hattie. I know how very hard this is fir you, & for him.

Annette said...

Oh Hattie, I hear you. Your book is being dropped off at the PO today. I hope it helps. Its focus is a lot about surrendering. I feel like I had to immerse myself, and when I think of that, I see myself falling back into a deep pool of water with it washing up and over my body so that I am completely immersed, in trusting God. God is in charge...there is not one thing I can do to change the course of my daughter's life. I have offered all I have to offer. Now I trust God. I put her into His hands and even if the worst were to happen, I believe that He would be holding her and she wouldn't be alone. That makes me cry just typing it out...but that is where my faith has taken
me. I am praying for the God of all comfort to reach out to you today. He is in charge of softening your boy's heart, teaching him humility so that he can ask for help and surrender to the process. Much love to you....

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...


Thank you, I needed your words today.