Monday, November 12, 2012

Building Back.....

My Dad, the son of Henry, the alcoholic, died in 2002.  He fathered six children and left no debt and a little money to each of us.  When I got my money, I felt so guilty.  He had to fight so hard to even make it through the eighth grade.  He worked to feed his family since he was a young boy.  He left for  Europe during WW2 when he turned eighteen, and spent 2 years and 8 months there.  He worked very hard to make my life always feel safe.  And, he did.  I feel unworthy of the money he left.

A little over two years ago when we first realized my son suffered from drug and alcohol addiction, I offered up to God (like I had the power) any and all of my worldly goods if he would just save my son.  I don't think you can really bargain with God.  But, we are selling our home and divesting ourselves of a lot material possessions.

The idea of moving from our home of 18 years was a little sad for me at first.  Now, you can't get me out of here fast enough.  After the last round with son, this place feels more like a crime scene than a home.  Nonetheless, I have been feeling a little sad.  And, I could not figure out why.

On Saturday, we took a load of furniture to my hometown, to my sister's garage to store.  Oddly enough, she lives in my parents old house.  One of the items that I chose to keep was a bookcase that I bought with the money from my father's estate.  I just couldn't sell it.  I must admit that it was a little humbling to return there with some of my last worldly goods. 

Yesterday, hubby moved his horse to a boarding stable.  I dreaded it so much because this home and this farm was his dream, not mine.  I feared that it would be very difficult for him.  I saw a little pain on his face and a little sadness in his eyes, but, like me, we have learned what things are of value.

There are so many emotions swirling around in my head.  I'm not really sure how to sort them.  But, the one thing that kept entering my mind was the verse from Genesis 3:19:

By the sweat of your face You will eat bread, Till you return to the ground, Because from it you were taken; For you are dust, And to dust you shall return."

Now, I know that I am not dying.....but perhaps there is a death occurring, one which involves a way of life.  The old unhealthy way that we have been living...maybe that is what we are dying to and it is becoming visible in my mind. 

After a very loaded day of emptying, son called.  He sounded so very good and clear.  Daughter came home and commented on how good Dad and I seemed together.  This is how I choose to build back my home.  Thanks be to God.

Today, I am thankful for this insight.  I am thankful for the opportunity for my son.  I am thankful for starting over.  I am thankful for all of the bloggers out there who pray.  I pray for all of our sons and daughters and I say a prayer for Henry.



Annette said...

Back in my church days there was a common saying, "Die to your self." I never really understood what the heck that meant. I would try to die to my self as much as I could figure out...but really I was constantly asking, "Is this it God? Is this what you mean?"

It wasn't until letting go of my daughter, letting go of how I thought things would go, letting go of doing it my way, that I felt God speak to my heart, "*This* is dying to your self." I got it! I understood and I realized that all of the rest had been hoop jumping trying so desperately to make myself acceptable to my God. It wasn't until God walked beside me and showed me what to let go of, and what I could trust in, that it all made sense. It sounds like you are going through a similar process in so many ways. Painful at time, but good in such deep ways.

Lou said...

I know you are interested in attachment theory. I went to a lecture by a psychologist who has written a book called "The Other Side of Normal" that you might find interesting. It's amazing how we continue to learn about brain plasticity, genetics, and bonding. The book is easy for a layperson to understand.

I pray your son is making strides in his new program. What a blessing this was available to him! I think of you often, and wish you the best in this next "chapter"..;)