Look Back but Don't Stare......

Sparkling sunshine and sixty-three degrees are responsible for the spring in my step today.  I can't get that "Happy" song by Pharrell Williams out of my head either.  I think that  has to do with getting on the scales this morning.  I seem to have a pattern.  I will be at a certain weight ( number) and then it will go down a number and the next day back up again for a few days and then down until it settles there.  This morning I skipped a whole number!  I've been going to Weight Watchers for four weeks....actually five but four weeks of weigh-ins and I've only lost 7.2 lbs.  I know it is respectable but skipping a whole number is pretty cool when it's been slow progress.

The Son had been doing really well until the weekend and we saw a slip.  Granted, he has never given up alcohol altogether so it was/is inevitable.  But, it brings you back to those old fear and worry places.  The Dad is having a particularly tough time with the anxiety it brings.  It's hard to detach from worry when he is worrying so.  I need to distance myself from it and he wears it all over his face.  I guess we are both at different places in our journey.

Big Sister is having panic attacks over finances.  She is now financially independent, at least until she goes to grad school in the fall.  She is about to begin some research with a professor from her undergrad program and she has to spend money to register the research.  She has application fees for grad schools, she has to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding.........It seems unending sometimes.

Some of my "birdies" from the Homeward Bound program are out and taking steps to life outside.  They are a little like my scales...up and down until they settle one way or another.  They help me learn to manage expectation.  I catch myself getting tied up in their progress.  The new class is really going well.  Each class seems to carry it's own tone.  This class is an eager one for healthy change.  Investing yourself into the cause of addiction is very difficult when you aren't that great with slow change.  I guess God is teaching me patience. 

Hoping you are all doing well.  Oh, the title came from my Al Anon meeting last night.  I loved it.  Praying for all of you.

 

Impatience

Today is 18 days before Christmas.  In ways, I still feel like a little girl.  I remember waiting for Christmas and hoping that the gifts all wrapped up would be the things that I had dreamed about.  I couldn't wait to open them up.  I would sit under the tree and size them up one by one, shaking them, trying to decide what they might be.  I would daydream about what I would do with each particular gift.  I never was very good at being patient.  As one Dominican priest once told me, then God will give you more opportunities to practice patience!!

I've often wondered how Mary felt just before Jesus was born.  When I was expecting my son, my first born, I grew very impatient.  I felt so large.  I was so tired.  I tried exercise.  I tried walking.  I tried gardening, but instead of labor pains, I just got a sore back and sore muscles.  I bet Mary was a lot more spiritually mature than I will ever be.  I think I should just follow her lead and trust more. 

All that I want for Christmas, is for my son to go to rehab.  I want him to return to God and to our family.  I want him to return to God but I worry that it will take rehab and some degree of sobriety for him to get there, maybe not.  God can do anything.As you can see,   I'm still rattling the packages.  Trying to figure out something that is not my business.  I am trying to decide what God will put in my Christmas package.  Will he go to treatment?  Will this take far longer?  I don't know why I can't just trust a little more. 

I guess the best thing to do is to pray more each day.  I will pray for the desires of my heart and the patience and trust for God to help me along my path to Bethlehem.  Today, I also pray for all those who are sick and suffering.  I pray for my son to feel the love of God and find his way back to him.  I pray for Henry and those like Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

The Fullness of Time

When I was pregnant with my son, I had a number of ultrasound exams. They measured the circumference of his head and the length of his femur to determine the due date.  His measurements were inconsistent.  I was given a due date of May 1st and then I was given May 30th.  I was so determined to know when this would all occur that I asked God for a sign.  I had one of those devotional books where each day had a reading and a story.  I read each day from May 1st to May 31st hoping to see my sign.  On May 14th, it was mother's day and the story had something to do with the blessing of being a mother.  I skipped right over that day and paid no attention to it.  I could not find my sign.  My son was born on mother's day.  I'm sure God had a little chuckle.

Now I wait on my son for another reason.  I wait for him "to find in the power of our saving God strength for a radical life change." (Pope Benedict's prayer intention for November)  I wait for him to return to God first.  I wait for him to seek treatment and I wait for him to return to his family last.  I have found myself growing impatient from time to time.  I don't find myself panicking.  I do feel calm.  I do feel peace.  I must remain patient.  I must remind myself that if things go too fast, then both my family and my son may not get some great lessons that God has planned for us all. 

Today my devotional books are called, In Conversation with God,by Francis Fernandez.  Today's reading reminds me that, "we lose our peace through sin, through pride and by not being sincere with ourselves and with God.  Peace can also be lost through impatience; when we are unable to see the providential hand of God in times of difficulty and contradiction.  Today, I am paying attention.  I am listening.  I am willing to wait.  I am reminded of Romans 8:28; that in everything God works for good for those who love him.  I am even hopeful.  This is advent.  I feel it heart and soul. 

My son e-mailed me today.  He wanted me to mail him a coat.  I decided not to respond.  I decided that most adults,  who had chosen to cut them selves off from their families would take what they needed when they left.  He has chosen this path.  He was told the consequences of this choice.  I will not take that away from him.  I have the strength and confidence to do this....thanks be to God.  He is the only reason for this gift of peace.

So, I will wait for the fullness of time to arrive.  I will marvel at the number of people who are helping to carry us along this journey.  They are checking on us.  They are praying and praying and praying.  The gifts just keep coming.  We are so lucky. 

I am so thankful for this peace.  I am thankful for my friends and my family.  They are so good to us.  I pray for all of you who pray for us.  I pray for those who face addiction.  I pray for my son to learn every lesson that God has for him.  And, as always, a prayer for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Advent

Today is the first Sunday of Advent.  It the beginning of the liturgical year.  This is the season where we wait for Christ.  We are trying to understand the waiting from the standpoint of those who awaited the actual birth of our Lord and hopefully will learn to prepare ourselves for the time when he returns. 

Most people are busy at this time of year,  very busy making lists for cards and gifts.  They plan special holiday menus for family gatherings.  They are waiting until the big day when they can present those they love with something that was just picked out for them.   We are trying to prepare every detail for the Christmas that we see on television and in the stores.  If we were truly preparing for Christ, then instead of those tasks, we'd be preparing our souls to get ready for Christ.  We'd be prayerfully making a list of our sins so that we could offer them in confession, where in return we'd receive the gift of absolution.  We'd be lifting our hearts to God's will for us.  We'd try a little harder to say yes to all of the hard things that God might want us to do.  We'd be living to serve.

When we serve God, we always seem to receive gifts in return.  They are the most amazing gifts of all.  They are not anything we would ever imagine.  They are impossible to describe in a way that shows how great they really are.  My favorite modern day servant was Mother Teresa.  She lived her life for whatever God wanted her to do.  He told her to serve the poorest of the poor.  She founded her mission on Christ teaching that whatever you did to the least of these, you did unto me.

Mother Teresa cared for the dying, the lepers and orphans.  She saw starvation and poverty that most Americans will never see.  She warned Americans that their poverty was far greater and harder to deal with than the poverty in India.  "The spiritual poverty of the western world is much greater than the physical poverty of our people', she said.  She felt that there was a loneliness and emptiness among so many of our people.  There is an absence of God.  There are drugs and abortions and greed.  All of these things are a desire to fill a void that only God can fill.

I have so loved Mother Teresa.  I felt like I had learned so much from her teachings and yet right here in my own home, my son is one of "the least of these."  He is spiritually impoverished.  I am learning first hand just how difficult this type of poverty is to deal with.  I am learning how little I really knew and how little I had really centered my life around Christ.

Along this journey, I have met a lot of alcoholics and addicts and their families.  They are some of the most wonderful people I've ever met.  I would have never looked in their eyes before to try and see the eyes of God, like Mother Teresa did to those she served in India.  I would not have learned that it is most rewarding to do these hard things.

I am waiting for my son to hit bottom.  I am waiting for him to want treatment.  I am waiting for him to return to God.  But, while I wait, I am going to prepare.  I am going to take inventory of my sins and work on a plan to serve the spiritually poor.  I am going to pray and study and wait.  I am going to do what I can.  As this gets tougher before it gets better, I am grateful because this means that we are moving closer to the bottom.  We are moving closer to a place where miracles that only come from God can occur.

Today I am so thankful for God's presence in my life.  I am thankful for the many gifts that God gives.  I am thankful for this season of anticipation.  I pray for all of you who pray for us.  I pray for my son to softly hit bottom and have the courage to go back to treatment.  I am so thankful for the example of Mother Teresa.  And, as always I pray for Henry and all of you who have faced addiction.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.