You Can Either Laugh or Cry........

I haven't been here to post in a while.  I haven't visited your blogs either.  But, true to this blog's name, I have been praying for you and your addicted loved ones.

 

Prayer is a joining up in relationship with my power who is Greater than myself--we had to work that one out but I've finally come around to His way of thinking....but, I digress.  I have been deeply working through prayer these last few months.

 

One way that I have found to pray is through writing.  I have been afraid to say that out loud even though  I have been calling myself a writer for a couple years .  I decided that it was okay to do that because --well, anyone can write.  But,  really what I  would like most is to become an author and that is an entirely different beast.  That means that I need to learn to write well.

 

I have been hunkered down working on a project that I will share more about later as I get a better handle on it.

 

My son is working at a wonderful restaurant and doing an IOP.  I am working very hard at staying out of his business.  And, when I forget, he is thoughtful enough to remind me.  It is a work in progress. 

 

Big Sister is in Louisiana in a doctoral program.  Her school got out for Mardi Gras (apparently we all went to the wrong school).  I think it was a great experience for her.  And," no there was no flashing for beads going on, Mom, in case you were wondering."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Sister is in her very last year of nursing (BSN) and was hired at a hospital as a CNA(certified nurses assistant) PRN (as needed).  She is thrilled about this as it helps her to make connections once she graduates,  because she is so afraid that she will never be hired.  Did you all know that it takes experience to get experience?  Because, I could not have possibly known that until she sat me down to explain it to me in slow......, loud .....words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dad has brought a new standard poodle puppy into our world.  He assures me that they are intelligent animals.  He (Louis) has chewed every magazine in our home.  He even went to the newspaper recycle basket and went through the entire stack to find any shiny magazine-like pages and pulled those out to chew into rice sized pieces which he evenly distributed all over the sofa and floor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He can pull the runner off of kitchen table.  He has not yet mastered the trick of keeping the napkins and salt and pepper shaker in their place when he rips the runner off of the table.  I am sure he will keep trying.

 

He has decided that we shouldn't be able to snack while sitting on the sofa since he cannot share with us--thus he has chewed up each and every coaster that we own.

 

And, he has a distinct eye for fashion.  He skipped over every cheap pair of flip flops that I own, opting for my expensive OluKai ones with the much needed 'old lady arch supports' for his chewing pleasure.

 

See, I told you he is intelligent.  Maybe I need a new trainer. 

 

I'm going to a silent three day directed retreat next week and then going to visit Big Sister.  I'll remember you there and your loved ones as I pray for Henry and all of you.

 

 

 

 

MYOB

I had forty-five days.  Forty-five days where I simply had no control.  He had forty-five days.  Forty five days where he had no control.  We had no power.

For forty-five days, I could admit that I was powerless.  I really haven't had any trouble admitting that my life was unmanageable.  But, admitting powerlessness, that was another thing all together.

But, for those forty-five days, I was actually aware that I was totally under God's care.  I had my ups and my downs.  Sometimes I felt brave only to crash and feel hopeless later.

By the end, I had accepted that I could not make a difference.  Before, I was so adamant about showing unconditional love.  Now, I questioned that love.  Was it really unconditional or an effort to love him out of his addiction (manipulate)?

The best thing that I did, was pay attention.  If I could quit planning long enough to just be present, then I could learn so much more. 

What if I stopped judging everything that he said ...what if I stopped thinking..., 'that sounds irresponsible or it sounds like someone who is not on the right road to recovery...' You know those crazy thoughts--If I could stop long enough to just witness who he is as a child of God, what would I see differently. 

So I became a spectator.  I watched deeply.  I listened intently.  Every time that I tried to get all 'judgy' I asked God to help bring me back.  The more I watched, the more I liked watching.  He is a very smart, fun and loving person to be around.

Once after he came home but before he went back to Sober Living, I was unable to stop myself.  "I'm just so worried because I haven't heard you say that you weren't going to drink again."  I said with tears rolling down my cheek (extra guilt thrown on top ).

"Mom, I feel bad.  I don't want you to cry.  But, I can't say that.  I don't know that I can say it.  So I'm not going to."

Crap.  Double crap.  I blew it again.  "Please Lord help me.  I knew better but I just could not stop myself.  Help me fix it.  Amen."

"I'm sorry."  I repeated. 
"I don't want you to feel bad because of me."  He said.
"I am the one who is sorry.  If it weren't you, it would be something else.  It's what I do."  I said.

 He looked surprised.  I felt better.  It was all true.  It was my stuff.  We are on this parallel journey.  If I can just stay on my path, I think it will all be okay.

These hardships are but lessons on living.  I'm praying for us all.  And, for Henry, of course.
 

Naivete

Much of the last two years spent with my son the addict, has been  a perpetual state of observation and evaluation.  Is he using?  Is he sober?  If he's sober, is this brain damage?  Is he mentally ill?  Could this be withdraw?  (In Al Anon this would fall under the category of "my life had become unmanageable" in step one.)

Wikipedia defines naivete as the state of being naive;  having or showing a lack of understanding, experience or sophistication, often in a context where one neglects pragmatism in favor of moral idealism.


Huh......

Yep, I guess that about sums it up.

Last Sunday hubby and I drove a little over a hundred miles to a ninety nine acre property that is home to men working the twelve steps of AA.   Our son had been locked up in a psychiatric hospital detoxing for five days and then was taken from there to this property quite literally in the middle of nowhere and had been there for four days when we saw him. 

Guess what??....we saw HIM.  Nine days......and we saw him.  I didn't expect it this soon.  I know....I know....no sermons please.....I know that this is but a baby step on the long road HE has to travel ALONE.

He didn't have a car.  He was laid off from work. He was living in my house.  And, after two years of AlAnon, he was using under my very nose....AGAIN.

Let's review the last part of that definition of naivete...."a lack of understanding, experience or sophistication, often in a context where one NEGLECTS pragmatism in favor of moral idealism."

When we visited with him, we began conversations that will need time to finish and process.  Hubby did say to him a number of times, in response to things he'd say regarding his future, " I know you will figure this out."  You see if he didn't have a car or a job and he was able to do what he was able to do.........he should have no problem figuring out how to dig himself out of this. 

Perhaps there is mental illness or brain damage.....he is still a pretty sharp fellow.  I think the rub will be in channeling that resourcefullness into good.

Hubby and I are learning so much.  We now know that he can NEVER live with us again.  We are too easy. We want so desperately what is not to be, to be......and it's not.  That boat has sailed.  Our son is a drug addict.  He will live this life and die a drug addict.  In active addiction or in recovery....he is still and will always be an addict. 

Those facts don't necessarily make me sad anymore, they are just hard for parents to accept.  It is not of the natural order.  When I saw my son on Sunday, my thoughts were, 'oh wow, look at him......Thanks be to God.....he's still in there." 

But, my thoughts remind me..."don't get too close....this may not last....Drug addiction is my cross to carry.  And, as one of my favorite Dominican sisters says, " pick it up and quit draggin' it for heaven's sake." 

And so I will, with God's help and the strength He provides.  My prayer for today is one of thanksgiving for His closeness during this time.  I am thankful for all of the support we are receiving from family, friends and even strangers.  I pray for the strength to look squarely into the face of addiction leaving idealistic notions aside, and live with the reality of it.  I pray for strength in recovery for my son and yours. And, I say a prayer for Henry.

 

Two Steps Back......

Have I mentioned just how hard step one is?  Well, it is.  I keep having this silly notion that I can control something.  I didn't really think I was so dense.....but, I must confess to you, my loyal readers that I messed up. 

My son has decided that drinking isn't nearly as bad as drug use.  I tend to agree to a certain point.  My son is an addict.  I have accepted this, I'm just not sure he has.  For an addict, like a diabetic, this is progressive.  This means that the disease will cause him to get sicker and sicker.  Also, there's the threat of this taking him to a stronger substance.   I don't think he believes this. 

What should I do about this?  Pray and look inward at taking care of my needs by enforcing boundaries.  Well, I enforced boundaries.....but I couldn't help myself.....I let him have it about just how stupid this behavior was.  I told him just how big a fool he was to not tap into AA.  Then, he let me have it.  He told me that degrading him wasn't exactly the way to get him to church or AA.  I agree.  He went on and on and on....basically putting me in my place.

This was a lose/lose situation.  I feel rotten.  I think they say that it takes 10 positive comments to make up for one criticism.  I think that's true.  You see, as he was telling me just how unqualified I am at most things and I was beginning to question myself, I thought, my comments probably do the same to him.  Oh my.....

I thought about it all and told him that it was anger and fear that I had because I knew just how dangerous this drinking could be for him.  I told him I didn't really mean to degrade him.  Now, I must work harder to make him feel the love that he totally deserves as my son, a child of God.  Now, I must ask for forgiveness.  Now, I must remember just who is in charge. 

Every time I think I can speed things up for my impatient self, I royally screw things up.  When I am frustrated that he can't figure out that a substance won't fill his void, our Lord is probably shaking his head in frustration at how I can't understand that God is in charge.  He only asks me to love. 

Today I pray for patience, perseverance and gratitude.  I pray for all of you who have trouble with control.  It is certainly an addiction all by it's self.  I pray for the addict and I pray for Henry.