Thursday, February 24, 2011

Two Steps Back......

Have I mentioned just how hard step one is?  Well, it is.  I keep having this silly notion that I can control something.  I didn't really think I was so dense.....but, I must confess to you, my loyal readers that I messed up. 

My son has decided that drinking isn't nearly as bad as drug use.  I tend to agree to a certain point.  My son is an addict.  I have accepted this, I'm just not sure he has.  For an addict, like a diabetic, this is progressive.  This means that the disease will cause him to get sicker and sicker.  Also, there's the threat of this taking him to a stronger substance.   I don't think he believes this. 

What should I do about this?  Pray and look inward at taking care of my needs by enforcing boundaries.  Well, I enforced boundaries.....but I couldn't help myself.....I let him have it about just how stupid this behavior was.  I told him just how big a fool he was to not tap into AA.  Then, he let me have it.  He told me that degrading him wasn't exactly the way to get him to church or AA.  I agree.  He went on and on and on....basically putting me in my place.

This was a lose/lose situation.  I feel rotten.  I think they say that it takes 10 positive comments to make up for one criticism.  I think that's true.  You see, as he was telling me just how unqualified I am at most things and I was beginning to question myself, I thought, my comments probably do the same to him.  Oh my.....

I thought about it all and told him that it was anger and fear that I had because I knew just how dangerous this drinking could be for him.  I told him I didn't really mean to degrade him.  Now, I must work harder to make him feel the love that he totally deserves as my son, a child of God.  Now, I must ask for forgiveness.  Now, I must remember just who is in charge. 

Every time I think I can speed things up for my impatient self, I royally screw things up.  When I am frustrated that he can't figure out that a substance won't fill his void, our Lord is probably shaking his head in frustration at how I can't understand that God is in charge.  He only asks me to love. 

Today I pray for patience, perseverance and gratitude.  I pray for all of you who have trouble with control.  It is certainly an addiction all by it's self.  I pray for the addict and I pray for Henry.

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