Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My Unfolding Mystery

I love a good mystery.  Growing up, I liked "Murder She Wrote" and "Perry Mason".  But, they became too easy to figure out.  Then I moved on to John Grisham.  I loved his earlier books.  The twists and turns kept my eye on all possible suspects and scenarios.  Now, I live the ultimate mystery.  I guess it's a good thing that God gave me a desire to l try to unravel them.

I used to think God created a grand plan for me.  I'm sure it involved fame and fortune. Thank goodness I was given an opportunity to look beyond that mindset.  About two years ago, I had the wonderful opportunity,during the coldest part of February, to go visit neighbors who have a winter home in Arizona.  February is a slow time for my husband's business so I had limited funds for my trip.  But, my neighbor had a little convertible all ready for me to drive while I was there. 

I arrived just days after an exhausting few weeks.  My entire family and my husband's secretary had gotten the swine flu.  Thankfully, it came in shifts.  But, for about a two week period, I had to cover at least two other people's jobs.  On top of that, it had snowed and that made taking care of the horses an even bigger task.  I left my home praying for my flight to not be cancelled due to weather.  I landed in 65 degree sparkling sunshine.  It was all I could do to not lay down and kiss the ground.

My marvelous neighbors told me to come and go as I pleased.  They told me to eat there or eat out.  It was my vacation.  The first day I got that little convertible out and put the top down, while wearing a jacket (dessert mornings are cold) and drove off to breakfast.  .

 I then drove off to Phoenix to have lunch with a colleague.  It was an hours drive and the sun was sparkling.  There in that little car, on the interstate driving through the dessert, I talked to God.  I mean that I discovered him there.  I felt him in the sun.  I felt his power in the wide open space.  I felt the peace of the dessert.  I truly felt like this would revive me.  It could help me to survive hard times.  It would rest my fatigue.  It would give me vision.

Everyday there, I noticed God a little more.  I felt strengthened for what lay ahead.  If anyone asked me what I did on that trip, I'd have to say that I spent a little time with God. 

Five months later, I would face the fact that my son suffered with addiction.  At first, I kept looking to the past.  I kept trying to figure out what I'd done wrong.  My list was too long to list here.  Then, I kept bargaining with God to let him recover and not relapse. 

Then, I joined Al Anon.  I found God in that little church basement with an eclectic collection of people.  The more I got to know them, the more I saw the touch of God.  They encouraged me to take care of myself.  I was there to work on me.  It was the only person I had control over.  This was such a hard task.  I had spent 22 years of my life taking care of my family.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

My prayer began to be for God to show me who he created me to be.  Little by little, he shows me a little more.  It is so exciting.  There is no grand revelation that I'll be rich or famous.  I'm just learning the joy in the everyday.  I'm also amazed at how taking care of myself is teaching my family to do the same.  It is time for them. 

My son went on a tirade about how he was so angry with the counselor for telling us to cut off contact with him.  He kept telling me how hard and upsetting it was.  I just listened.  After about thirty minutes, he said,"But, I learned a lot."  I said to him, " I don't regret doing it for even one moment."  "I think it might have saved your life."  He didn't argue.

Did you see that coming?  Not me.  I love these numerous little mysteries unfolding before my eyes.  Because I am leaning on God, he gives me the words and the timing with which to use them.  It doesn't take the grand gesture.  It doesn't have to be on my time.  It's like sitting on the sofa so curious for what the next scene would bring. 

It wasn't easy getting here.  I had to come to the place where I was willing to give God my son, no matter the outcome.  That is a big step for any mom.  If this hadn't worked out this way, I know that God would have given me what I needed to handle it. 

I'm so thankful for a change in perspective.  I pray that you will have the courage to look for God in the everyday and trust him with everything you love.  I pray for all those who suffer from fill in your blank. I pray for an increase of faith, a daily examination of conscience, and an effort to make amends where possible.  And, as always I pray for Henry.

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