Know Your Enemy, Know Yourself

I now teach two classes at the jail.  One is 'Understanding Addiction' and the other is 'Expressive Writing'.  I teach them back to back and so I decided to find a way to tie them together and this came to mind.

So it is said, that if you know your enemy and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss. If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
If you know neither yourself, nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself.
                                                                                                     SunTzu


The Chinese general responsible for writing the book, The Art of War, which I have never read, BTW, is widely known for this quote.  I don't know why this quote came to mind but it did and so I used it and am now seeing that this was perhaps, divinely inspired.

The program for re-entry my class is a part of is primarily religious based ( a protestant denomination) and so when they handed me a packet with the twelve steps containing scripture to go along with each step, I was leery.

I am a good Catholic.  But, I have learned from my twelve-step program, that it is important to have a thorough understanding of what a power greater than MYself really means and to know who I think that POWER is.  Many of us worship our own illusion of power without ever realizing it.

Apropos to that last sentence, back when I was trying to cure and control the addictions of others, I read Gabor Mate's book, In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts.  His insight is eye opening and radical relative to current ideas on addiction.  He introduces people with addictions and their stories.  Then he asks us to always ask the question, "not why the addiction, but why the pain."

That book helped me to look beyond the symptomatic behavior of addiction and to see the person instead.  To me, that is key.  It is an act of mercy to see every person and not just see their failings.  Father Greg Boyle, SJ often says that, we are more than the sum total of our worst mistakes or something along those lines.  (Sorry Father G if that is wrong).

I started using this book because when I ask how many in the class are addicts or alcoholics (this happens each and every semester) few raise their hands even though ninety percent in our county jail are there due to drug or alcohol charges.  I wanted them to have an accurate picture of addiction.

Addiction--or enslavement--is the ENEMY.

Now, for knowing thyself, I turned to Divine Therapy and Addiction.  This is a book by Father Thomas Keating OCSO and Tom S.  Tom S. interviews Thomas Keating about the twelve steps of AA and how centering prayer can aid each person in the task of learning who we really are.  He also takes an in depth look at happiness; what it is and where it can be found.

First of all, let me just say that each of these books is not for you if you are in the market for a fluffy beach read.  They are deep and thought provoking.  And, they are technical.  If the class weren't thrust upon me at the last minute, I might have prepared something different.  Something on a simpler level. 

You see, most classes whose curriculum is prepared with inmates in mind, targets the vocabulary at a sixth grade level.  And, many days, my students behave like middle school girls, looking out the window at any male inmate who happens to walk past our classroom.  They whisper and giggle.  Sometimes they try to shock me with sexually explicit discussions.  They become easily bored and so if you aren't really on, you have lost them.

I began my class by reading a few personal narratives from the addicts in Mate's book.  They were totally engrossed.  I picked some hard core addicts stories and some functional alcoholics and a few in between.

Then we read step one and talked about powerlessness. I didn't need to speak much about unmanageable, that part is easy to get.  But, powerlessness, takes time. 

Then we talked about step two: Came to believe that a Power, greater than ourselves..... This is where we talked about who God is to us.  How do we see him?  Do we actually trust him?  I told them that I had a really hard time trusting Him with my son, especially in the beginning....truth be told, I didn't trust him at all with my son.  They were shocked.  The church lady doesn't trust God and says so out loud--gasp!

God had their total attention for three hours.  I just sat there and followed His lead.  It was the most amazing gift to be a part of.  Their faces were like the symbol on your computer that lets you know it's searching for some request that you have made of it.  They would ask questions and you could see surprise or delight when maybe a connection was made.  If I meditate on the most amazing part of that class, it will have to be that when they started to buy in to what I shared, HOPE appeared.

For them and for me.

I realize now that I can only share my experience, my strength, my hope and my prayers for you and the Henry in your life and mine.





 

Listen and Learn

Trapped. 

That is how I felt.  For the last eight weeks, I have had to fill in at my husband's office.  It is a forty-four hour work week, unless I don't finish the jobs that I normally do when we have another employee in the office or an emergency comes in.  Then it could easily stretch to a fifty hour work week.

Endlessly the phone rings to schedule appointments, ask for advice, give updates on their horses health or sometimes to complain about a bill.  Clients come in to pick up medications and love to talk without realizing that there is still lab work to get ready for pick up or shipments to unpack because someone is waiting on a medication.  I used to handle the stress far better.

My husband and I have been doing this for over twenty years and I am weary from it.  It is his passion, not mine.  But, it is our bread and butter.  I am grateful.  I'm just very tired and very burned out.

I had to take over at the office one week before I went to New Jersey to pitch a book that I have been working on for quite some time.  At first, I panicked.  Then I realized that I had given this outcome to God and so whatever was supposed to happen would.

In the midst of this heavy workload, my son decided to seek sobriety.  He decided.  There is such gratitude and a lot of trepidation. 

Be careful. 

Don't expect. 

Just be.

Breathe.

Then, I realize that for a few weeks, all three adult children will live with us.  There is more laundry.  There is less food.  The house is a big mess.  I find myself tensing up. 

On a Tuesday evening, after a nine hour day at work, cooking supper and running a load of clothes, I wanted nothing more than to put on my jammies and fall asleep on the couch to some mindless  television program. 

But, I have the key to the church where our Al-Anon meeting is held.  I knew that the others who have keys would not be there that night.  I'd like to say that I knew that I needed a meeting, but I was too tired to care.  I felt obligated.  So, gripping and complaining, I went.

The chairperson for the evening's meeting said that I had 'voluntold' her to chair the meeting.  I think that is how I got my service position.  It was either that or I didn't show up and so I was nominated and voted in.  I'm glad that she chaired because she did a marvelous job and it was just the meeting that I needed. 

Her topic was on the slogans.  She took all of the slogans that she could find from our conference approved literature (CAL), typed them up,cut them into strips, folded and put in a basket.  She asked for us each take a turn to choose a strip, look in the index of our book and find a reading on that topic and then read the reading and tell the group, how that topic applied to our day.

As always, there are no mistakes.  God always seems to choose just what we need.  I think he told me to 'shut up and listen, dad gummit.'  No, he told me to 'listen and learn.'  Boy, oh boy is that exactly what I need.

I kept my slip of paper.  I am using it as a book mark. 

I'm glad I spent those eight weeks at the clinic.  I was able to clean up a lot of things that needed dealing with.  I was able to find a smart young girl who is happy to work there. 

My son decided to get sober, dealt with some things he needed to deal with and has chosen sober living.  He chose. 

My daughters and I have spent some time talking through some hard things that needed dealing with.

My husband and I are working through things we've needed to deal with for a long time. 

Before, I would have felt very sorry for myself.  I still did at first. 

But, then I decided to 'listen'--what am I being told to look at,  in this situation?  And, 'learn' --how am I to respond in a way that I am being led?

Like those who suffer from addictions, I too, don't really like to deal with things.  I'm learning.  It is hopeful.  My HP does a pretty good job, if I will let Him. 

I'm grateful to have my time at home again.  Lucy, my doxie is too.  We take our walks each morning.  She is careful to sniff and see who has been on "her walk".  She tells the big dogs in the neighborhood to, "Back off" when they bark at us.  And we are both grateful for our time of prayer and meditation.  Her snoring is somehow soothing as I pray.

I may have been gone, but, I did not stop praying for Henry, mine and yours.




 

All Things Spring-y

I'm in cleaning mode.  It's part spring cleaning--part Easter is Sunday and the girls will be home.  Whatever the reason, it feels good to declutter and clean.  It's even nicer to open the windows to invite the fresh air in to chase away the stale dry air of winter. 

Bright blue planters will make their way to the porches just waiting for the safety of a much promised no-more-freezing-May-first.  The hummingbird feeder has been placed and morning coffee resumes on the back porch. 

Come on over and sit for a spell!!!

I love spring.  I love summer.  As I grow older the symbolism that they embody is not lost on me.  How I long for fresh starts and new chances.  I guess we all do.

Since winter began, eight new houses have been built near our home.  It was fun to watch in the beginning.  Now, I wake up each day and pray for landscaping.  Louis, our standard poodle, whose paws more resemble bear claws than dog paws, loves to frolic through the mud next door. (I say frolic because when he runs he sort of canters--head bobbing up and down in rocking horse style movements) 

He is a crazy dog.  He reminds me of Scooby Doo from the cartoon.  When I walk Lucy (Doxie --4 1/2" tall) and him(40 1/2" tall)  together,  he cowers at other dogs.  She goes into protective Mama Bear mode.  I have a leash in each hand with Louis stopping frozen, tail tucked, attached to my leg and Lucy running directly toward any barking dog in the opposite direction than Louis, tail up barking loudly as if to say, "Don't talk to me that way Buddy.  I'll walk on this sidewalk anytime I want."  This exercise is what I like to call doggie yoga--or split your owner.

Speaking of summer, I read a blog written by Sophie Hudson (Boo Mama).  She is really funny to read, especially if you are from the south.  She recommended a lovely summer-time beverage that I tried yesterday and loved!  It is from Chik-Fil-A.  You get one part unsweet tea and one part diet lemonade and voila you have the perfect southern tea.  I just had to share.  Tell me what you think.

I've been working on a book.  It is a book about how addiction changed me and my faith.  The book feels a little like the character from Harry Potter--"He who shall remain nameless" because of the stigma that surrounds addiction.  Who might I hurt if I write this?  Who might behave differently if I publish it?  Have I changed the names?  Should I write under a pseudonym?  Will this cause more harm than good?  Those are questions that I have been asking myself since the idea of writing first began to dance itself around in my imagination.

The act of writing this book was a bit like spring cleaning.  I swept up a lot of scary things into a pile, looked them over, sorted them into categories and tried to put them into some sort of logical order to try to glean some bit of understanding before washing my hands of them. 

Now what to do?  Well, I do not know.  So I am going to pray.  And, walk the dogs and sit on the porch.  Maybe I'll sip some tea.  Happy Easter everyone.  Praying for Henry.  Mine and yours.
 

Sunny and Seventy-five.....

Today is a gorgeous day.  It is sunny and 75 as the country music song goes.  I would love to enjoy this day but instead, I got called in to cover the Dad's office.  If I seem a bit pout-y about this, it is because I am. 

I think that all of the cold, wind, snow and dreary skies have caused my body to organically blanket itself in fat for added warmth.  As I begin to shed thick layers of clothing and try to squeeze my body into some of my warmer weather clothing, I find myself mildly panicking.  You see, I will see my endocrinologist tomorrow.  It will not be pretty.

I'm not giving up without a fight though, in a desperate attempt at quickly shedding say ten pounds overnight, the Dad took me to Wal-Mart where we bought bikes.  They are complete with bigger seats and baskets.  My first ride caused me to collapse on the sofa for a two hour nap.

We have not heard from the Son in a week.  That is always worrisome.  The Dad and I have taken a vow to detach from his situation.  With a bit of Lenten encouragement, we are trying to walk this Paschal Path while praying for the faith to trust that God does in fact love him more than we do.

Our girls don't really ask about him.  They know that I freely share the good news.  They are weary of the bad so we just 'don't ask-don't tell' as they say.  Even friends rarely ask.  It is probably safer that way.  But, sometimes it is a lonely feeling. 

I am sneaking in bits and pieces of time to work on my book.  My book and I have a love/hate relationship.  I need to write it but it is painful and sometimes I dread it all at the same time.  I am drudging forward.  Secretly, I'd love to be able to wait long enough to slap a happy ending onto it.  But, in reality, it is probably best to end it here where we are trying to tread water and grow our faith.

It is in this place that we are just a bit closer to our Lord.  This is where we learn the most.  And this is where I am most afraid.  Today I pray for each of you and your loved ones as I pray for Henry.
 

Run Run Runaway.....

I've been doing a lot of volunteer work at the jail.  It's something that is both wildly rewarding and quite depressing all at the same time. 

I constantly have this inner turmoil about what my motives are.  Do I think that I am all of that and a bag of chips?  Is that why I am here?  Do I think that I can save them? 

Then I swing to the self deprecating "you are in over your head and a big fool to think that you will make any difference."

There are days when I just want to walk away.

Why can't I just learn to play golf or knit?  Why can't I just find a bungalow out there in some beach town and hide out there for a while.  No phones.  No television.  No interruptions.  Just solitude. 

That is my secret desire.  Perhaps that is running away and not a desire.  Or perhaps my desire is to run away.  I'm good at that.  I've been running from the chaos of addiction for most of my life. 

Praying for all of you and hoping to find the center.....again.





 

Ramblings of a Troubled Co Dependent

It's super bowl Sunday and we are expecting our friends and their children in a couple of hours.  It is a low key, no stress kind of entertaining as these friends have been our friends since moving to Tennessee almost twenty years ago and I can say, "this is the food I've planned to make, fill in the blanks...." and it's all good.

The dogs surprise me more and more as time goes by.  Their vocabulary seems to constantly grow.  I mentioned that I was going to go upstairs to the Dad and out of nowhere, they appear, tails wagging ready for an adventure.  They also know breakfast, supper, potty, treat, bone, outside, walk and bath (which sends them into hiding). Come and bad are words that suddenly make them appear deaf.

I often go to the open AA speaker meetings.  It is really enlightening for me to hear their stories.  It helps me to better understand my addicted loved ones.  Their words give me hope. Many times I get a little down when something happens that makes fear rear it's ugly head,  whispering in my ear that things will never change.  But, when I hear the ups and downs in their stories, I can step back and see that "it takes what it takes."  I can see God in their stories over and over again and those stories remind me to get the heck out of the way.

One of the girls from the Homeward Bound program at the jail asked me to help her by giving her a ride to a court date.  I am so hesitant about getting involved.  I have this tendency to know just how to solve the worlds problems go a little overboard to the point that I forget about my own life.  I didn't know whether or not to respond to her text so I began to pray about it by asking God if this need to help was really a product of my pride or if He was really calling me to help her.  It didn't take long until the loud and clear thought that entered my mind was reminding me that her mother had died while she was in jail and her Dad is in Hospice care as we speak.  This twenty-two year old literally has nobody. 

I felt OK about my decision but I have to say that I am concerned that I will go too far.  She kept offering to give me $20.00 to take her.  She has never gone to meetings.  I always try to encourage her to give them a try.  So I said, "if you will go to 6 AA meetings, we can call it even."  She said, "if you will take me, I will go."  Now I am thinking....no screaming, in my head, you are going too far....you are trying to control......  I was sick about it.  I prayed, "Father, I don't know if this is me and my pride trying to fix this or me trying to follow your will....show me what to do." 

We went to the meeting and I must admit that she was not exactly a girl who knew how to pay attention and respect when another is talking and she lacked a few of the "softer skills" so I was nervous.  I thought if this goes bad, there is no one to blame but you.  But, it was really good.  She was so afraid to try it and she was able to see that it was actually good.  I am hoping that she can make some good connections and the program will take over in the miraculous way that it does of bringing in the broken helping them on their journey of self discovery, understanding and healing only to send them out to serve others.

Maybe you can all help me to be accountable by reminding me to  stay out of her way.  Looking forward to winter's end, my friends.  Feeling hopeful and remembering you in prayer.

 

Fear is My Enemy

Many experts warn about the dangers of parenting out of fear.  I think there is a lot to that.  The problem is that I have a hard time stopping myself when fear arises.  I start thinking that maybe I am letting something slide instead of confronting it.  I start backsliding with the whole control issues.  I start to panic and so I behave in all sorts of weird ways that confuse the whole family.

I hate living like this but I can't seem to stop myself when he behaves in a way that I don't recognize.....which is most of the time.  It is all new.  He is really doing better than I remember in such a very long time.  You'd think that would put me at ease, but no, it gives me all the more reason to fear the past.

I guess this is where I have not let go of control.  There is where I must face the daily task of detaching.  And, I'm not really all that good at that.  We've gained so much ground.  I am truly over the moon for that.  Some days, I get greedy and forget what I have to be thankful for.  I want normalcy, whatever that is.  Maybe that's what I have and I don't recognize it.  I guess it is my norm.

Today I start a new term of the Homeward Bound program at the jail.  I get to meet the new ladies and start a new AlAnon group with them.  I really look forward to that.  After working for and with the public, it is so refreshing to work with those who are at the place where they know that they have to change.  They are thankful for the opportunity to learn a healthier way.  Working with that mind set is like breathing the sweet air after a springtime rain.

Today, I am thankful for a new fall routine.  I am thankful for sobriety even though each new step is a little scary.  I am thankful that we are really starting to show our house.  I am thankful for my kids and my husband and my friends.  I pray for strength in detaching, continued sobriety and health to all who read.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Another Fresh Start....

I used to think of the new year as a fresh start, which really never brought what I had imagined.  Addiction and AlAnon have taught me that each day is a fresh new start.  Each slip isn't a failure but something to be learned from and be built upon.  Perfection is a myth.  If life is going smoothly, I'm probably not learning a lot.  Hurdles will always be there.  These are all things that took me 47 years to learn and accept. 

This last year was one of sobriety(for the most part) for my son.  It wasn't hearts and butterflies.  But, it was better.  I learned a lot.  So I'd like to share with you the top ten important lessons that 2011 taught me.

10.  Look beyond.  In other words look deeper than the surface.  You usually find something beautiful.

9.  Judging only puts up walls.

8.  My way is not the only way. 

7.  I am thankful to NOT be in control.

6.  I need to look beyond the anger...

5.  Taking care of myself is a gift to my family.

4.  Beauty really is in the simple and small things.

3.  I've missed a lot worrying about the future.

2.  Prayer is the best weapon I have.

1.  As the Beatles said, "All you need is love".  Unconditional love that is.  Unconditional love, not enabling, heals unlike any drug, therapy, or balm. 

Finding Me Day 12.....

It's been a stressful few weeks.  I've had to train a new employee while we hit a sudden busy spell.  I am thankful for the business but overwhelmed by the lack of rest and most especially the quiet.  I had learned to enjoy  my time of silence.  It was a time to connect to my creator.  It was a time to hear His whisper.

One of my AlAnon lessons came in very handy during this time.  In the midst of chaos, I would just slow down, take deep breaths and pray.  And, then things seemed to work so much better.  I am learning to let go of those moments of chaos just the same as I let go of my son and then like magic....things improve. 

My son is this amazing young man.  He has overcome so much.  He is builder who builds very large buildings.  He just finished his first one and was transferred to a new one.  He told me how wonderful this new job is because they put him with some of the best in his business.

 Last night he told us how he loved his job but so many of the other workers were from another state and they were not nearly as good at their jobs which created a lot of problems.  As an apprentice, he needs good leadership to really learn.  Now, he loves the new crew and feels like he will learn so much better.

He said, "I felt like I'd been in purgatory and was just waiting to see which way it would go!"  He was so funny.  I could never imagine the conversation we had last night just one year ago.  I have so much to be thankful for. 

Today, I am thankful for the gift of learning who to turn to;   who to ask to lead my way in everything.  I am thankful for my son's recovery.  I am thankful for the support of this blogging community.  I continue to pray for all of our children and loved ones affected by the disease of addiction.  And, I pray for Henry.

Finding Me Day 10

"God will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness."

Just one month before addiction came out of the closet, my son had surgery.  He had tonsils and adenoids removed and septum corrected.  The day we brought him home, it was like dealing with a mentally ill patient.   He was in a panic and his Dad was hiding the pain pills.  No one knew what to do.  I decided that he was just afraid so I went to his room and talked him down.  I decided that even as horrible as he was that I would go in there and ignore his ugly words and just "be mom" to my son.  I had my husband bring a lazy boy recliner up there and I stayed there for 3-4 days and nights.  In many ways that decision was a gift. 

This decision to just love and care for my son brought back a closeness that I hadn't had in such a long time.  I fed him and told him stories.  We watched tv together.  He actually got me hooked on "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" and "Pickers".  We watched "Intervention" where he told me what a terribly sad show that was.  I found that odd.  I was thinking of it as hopeful but he told me that most of them would never get off the drugs.  And, still I didn't or couldn't see the handwriting on the wall. Anyway, this time together is in part why I believe that he agreed to go to rehab.

The day that my husband told me that our son had to be addicted to drugs, I looked at him like he had three heads and said, "Get Out!!  I mean it Get Out!  You will not tear my boy down."  And, in that moment, I meant it.  You see that time together was something that I never imagined having again.  I could not tell you why.  Subconsciously, I could but I hadn't been willing to look very deep.  I still remember that anger (fear) of those words and the primal need to protect my baby.  I could have taken my husband out.  Four hours later, I agreed with him.

This incident reminded me of a story that my  family has told all of my life.  I am the youngest of six children and my oldest two brothers went to Viet Nam when I was 4 yrs old.  One was in the army and one was a marine.  My mother thought that if a sheriff showed up it was only to notify the family of a death.  So, when the sheriff drove down our driveway, she ran out the front door and started screaming for them to "get off her property!"  and taking off one show and throwing it at them and then the other before bursting into tears, barefoot on the front porch.  Later we learned that my brother was wounded by sniper fire and was being sent back to the states. 

Friday night, I spoke with a family who is just beginning this journey that none of us wanted to take.  She kept asking if she should drug test him to see if he was still using.  When I asked her how much money he made and what bills he had (none) and what he had to show for the money he was making(nothing), then I said unless you want to know what he's on, no what else could he spend that much on.  I kept pointing out obvious things that I too ignored in the beginning that seemed to be so hard to accept for her. 

This primal notion of mothering is so strong.  And, I've had a few ask how I could do the things that I've done.  I think it's about changing your perception of caring.  Caring for an addict requires some counter intuitive thinking.  Caring for an addict requires a dumping of pride.  It requires rolling up your sleeves and fighting with the devil.  You need to separate the addiction from the child and fight against addiction while fighting for the child.  It is a job not for the faint of heart.  It is something that I could not have done without prayer and God's strength. 

Today, I pray for this family to have the courage to let go and let God.  I pray for my new blogger friends in their recovery journey.  I pray for the Mom's and Dads who have lost their loved ones.  I pray for those who still fight for their loved ones.  And, I say a prayer for the soul of Henry, my grandfather. 

Letting Go.....

One year ago today, I took my son to rehab and dropped him off.  As I drove down the drive, the arched sign said, "Let go and Let God".  One year later and I am still in need of that reminder many days.  It was a scary, surreal, out of body kind of day.  It was a day that changed who I am as a person and who we are as a family. That is not to say it was a bad change.  The problem was there.  The awareness of it hurt.  But, the need to change was great. 

So here we are one year later.  Recovery is a long arduous process.  And, when I speak of recovery, I am   referring to more than just my son.  My family is in recovery.  Last year we went through the shock and chaos of this new knowledge we were acquiring.  This year we work on becoming healthy individually and as a family. 

It is frightening to open your wounds for others to see.  It is humiliating to admit to mistakes.  But, it is all so necessary.  So today I let go again.  I let go of old habits, bad priorities, unimportant time wasters and I focus on each family member and on the family.  I let them each find their own way with love.  I keep my boundaries and I pray like the crazy.

My very best friend in the world is letting go today too.    Her son is leaving for the novitiate to become a Dominican priest.  This is a very different path than my son took, but our journeys are much the same.  You see, every good and perfect gift is from God and on loan.  There comes a point in time when you must, in faith, give back by letting go.

I am sorry for her sadness and fear of this unknown.  But, I expect that she will receive the same amazing graces for this difficult time, that I received during mine.  I know that she worries for him in this first most difficult year.  I know she worries about his brothers and sisters and  her husband. 

Today I am thankful for my best friend.  She has been there for me in so many ways.  I am thankful for her son and his willingness to say yes.  I am thankful that a year has past and that he is clean.  I ask for prayers for her and her family as they face this hard day.  I pray for her son during his first year.  I pray for her family as they adjust to this new way of life.  I pray for all of those who are letting go.  May they have the strength and faith to know that in God's hands it will be as it should.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Continuing to Let Go....

I quit my job a couple of weeks ago.  That may not be a big deal to some, but to me, it was.  I worked for my husband.  I have worked for him for almost 16 years.  I kept the books, ordered supplies, managed employees, cleaned, made coffee, ran after lunch...whatever needed doing. 

I began this job when my kids were 2 , 3 , and 5 yrs. old.  Now they are 21, 19, 18 yrs old.  When I started, it was thrilling for a couple of reasons.  This was my husband's new business and as a young mom who had spent the better part of 5 years changing diapers, feeding and cleaning babies, I was so thrilled to do something "grown up". 

I had a degree in elementary education but a teacher's pay wouldn't even cover the cost of child care, so I stayed home.  Then I was plunged into a job that I knew absolutely nothing about.  I was terrible at it in the beginning....but I always showed up and I was pretty cheap.  There was so much to learn and it was all so foreign.  I worked very hard at doing a good job.  It made me feel like I was making a contribution and I felt like an adult.

Lately, I've become interested in other things.  And, in all honesty, I'm still not all that great at my job.  It is not my passion and I don't think God calls me to it anymore.  But, my pride has taken a hit.  I know those taking over are better suited for the job.  I know it will be a good thing for my husband's business. 

So, why am I sad?  I've had to think about that.  I think it is because I really just wanted to contribute and have others be proud of me.  Pride...such an ugly monster.  But, when you're not very productive, you're not contributing and it's time to walk away.  I didn't even know it wasn't working because I didn't look up or within from my daily grind.  I just kept doing what I'd been doing until I learned of my son's addiction. 

That woke me up and made me notice. Just before we learned that he had a drug problem, he was so difficult, we were all so unhappy and I was praying, "can we ever have joy again?"  I've let go of trying to control my son's addiction and now I'm letting go of something that I was never really good at anyway. 

I am wandering.....but,  this exploration is one that will hopefully take me to a place where God wants me to be.  Then, I think I will find joy.  "I'm releasing one more thing, Lord, give me the courage to keep letting go of unnecessary things." 

Today, I am thankful for Al Anon and the lessons it teaches.  I am thankful for the courage God gives me each day.  I pray for all of you to let go of those things holding you back from your true vocation.  And I pray for Henry.

Instructions for Letting Go

My vocabulary is increasing these days.  It now includes a lot of words that I thought I understood the meanings to.  There are words like enable, detachment, codependent, manipulation, martyr, and a host of others.  I think that we really only scratch the surface of our understanding of most terms.  We might have an idea of what something means in  a particular situation but maybe we don't fully understand all of the parts and pieces of it's meaning.  Then there's the next level of understanding a word, there's how we use it. 

When you really need to understand how to deal with a very difficult situation, you must be careful that you are handling it in the most appropriate fashion.  I am no longer enabling my son's addiction.  This means that no financial support is offered.  This means no excuses are made for the addict.  This means we don't make sure they get up on time, pay bills, go to meetings or anything else. 

Detachment is when you step away from addiction in order to take care of yourself.  This is a hard one for moms.  It's hard to step away from the mom role.  My son is an adult now.  As a counselor told us, "he's been raised."  Stepping away not only allows you to take care of yourself, it also allows the addict to be responsible for himself.  In the past, we've manipulated many situations to help him succeed.  This isn't true success. 

I could go on and on with this new vocabulary list I'm having to learn to impliment, but, my big question as of late was, where is the line between walking away and loving unconditionally.  I found this in some of my things from rehab.  I am not sure who to give credit to, but it is good and helped guide me. 

TO LET GO........

To let go is not to stop caring,
It's recognizing I can't do this for someone else. 
To let go is not to cut myself off,
It's realizing I can't control another. 

To let go is not to enable
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is not to fight powerlessness,
But to accept that the outcome is out of my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame others,
It's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, it's to care about.
To let go is not to fix, it's to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
It's to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to try and arrange an outcome,
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
It's to permit another to face their own reality.
To let go is not to regulate anyone,
But to strive to become what I dream I can be.

Today I pray for the ability to let go with love.  I pray for my son to desire radical life change.  I pray for all of my friends and their struggles and as always for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.