Many experts warn about the dangers of parenting out of fear. I think there is a lot to that. The problem is that I have a hard time stopping myself when fear arises. I start thinking that maybe I am letting something slide instead of confronting it. I start backsliding with the whole control issues. I start to panic and so I behave in all sorts of weird ways that confuse the whole family.
I hate living like this but I can't seem to stop myself when he behaves in a way that I don't recognize.....which is most of the time. It is all new. He is really doing better than I remember in such a very long time. You'd think that would put me at ease, but no, it gives me all the more reason to fear the past.
I guess this is where I have not let go of control. There is where I must face the daily task of detaching. And, I'm not really all that good at that. We've gained so much ground. I am truly over the moon for that. Some days, I get greedy and forget what I have to be thankful for. I want normalcy, whatever that is. Maybe that's what I have and I don't recognize it. I guess it is my norm.
Today I start a new term of the Homeward Bound program at the jail. I get to meet the new ladies and start a new AlAnon group with them. I really look forward to that. After working for and with the public, it is so refreshing to work with those who are at the place where they know that they have to change. They are thankful for the opportunity to learn a healthier way. Working with that mind set is like breathing the sweet air after a springtime rain.
Today, I am thankful for a new fall routine. I am thankful for sobriety even though each new step is a little scary. I am thankful that we are really starting to show our house. I am thankful for my kids and my husband and my friends. I pray for strength in detaching, continued sobriety and health to all who read. And, I say a prayer for Henry.