Discernment

I've traveled to Dallas to a writer's conference.  I am considering writing a book on my journey through my son's addiction.  There are days where I feel like I have to write this story.  Then, there are days that I think, who do you think you are to write this book?  There is the fear factor that is present because I have never published a book before.  There is also the fear of publishing such a personal account of our life.

Last night, I was channel surfing.  The lack of quality on TV is astounding.  Let's just say that when I become intimidated by writing, all I have to do is look at Toddler's in Tiaras or Honey Boo Boo.....

I've learned a lot here.  I've learned that I will really need to get organized, which does not come naturally to me.  And, I will need to get clear about the message that I want to convey.  But, most importantly, I only need to write if this is God's will.  So, I will proceed with prayer before I take any further action.

The most important thing is my son's sobriety.  What I have learned in this journey, is first and foremost for that purpose.  So I will pray for wisdom.  I pray for all of our loved ones who have felt the ravages of the disease of addiction.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

I love you, Daddy...

Tomorrow the family will drive out of state to my father-in-laws house to cook for him and spend the day in celebration of Father's Day.  If my Dad were alive he would have been 90 years old.  I can't tell you how much I miss him.  And, it really surprises me.  I always loved my dad but I wasn't as close to him as I was to my mother.  But, when he died, it was if a big part of him stayed with me. 

My Dad's father was Henry, the alcoholic in this blogs title.  Daddy was so feisty and sweet, all rolled up together.  He was tough but honest and willing to give so many others a shot that they might not have gotten otherwise. 

Later in his life, he began buying rental properties.  They were little, inexpensive homes in need of love, money and some elbow grease.  We teased him a lot calling him the slum lord.  But, he would take these homes and clean them up, repair what needed repairing, give them new paint and floors and rent or sell them to folks that might not have been able to come up with a down payment or bank financing. 

To this day, I  run into people who will tell me that they wouldn't have ever owned a home, had it not been for my father.  I am still so proud of him.  Because my Dad....my lovely sweet Dad, grew up with an abusive alcoholic father that sent him to work instead of school and took that money to drink, and as the son of that sharecropper he never had a home of his own until he married my mother and he knew what that meant to someone and he gave back. 

So today on the eve of Father's Day I want to offer up prayers of thanksgiving for my Dad.  I am so thankful for the man he was and the lessons he left me.  I pray for our sons and daughters, that they might have healing.  And, I also pray for the soul of Henry.

 

Trust More

John Kavanaugh, philosophy professor at SLU and Jesuit priest, once asked Mother Teresa to pray for him to have clarity during his formation process.  She said, "I've never had clarity and certitude.  I only have trust.  I'll pray that you trust."

What a spunky gal she was....just getting to the meat of the problem.  I've been in a real funk...wanting to know what I was supposed to do with myself.  So, I bought this book , "God's Voice Within".  And, I'm learning (again) that I need to use today as a day of service. 

Enough Said.

Today I am thankful for the gift of books to help continue to guide me.  I am thankful for sobriety for those who have it and pray for it for those who still strive for it and I say a prayer for Henry.

Day 18 Gratitude

It was a really good weekend.  Friday night we went to a fundraiser for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.  We try to at least attend one fundraiser for CF once a year because my cousin and great friend has two children with CF. 

We grew up miles apart but spent many days of vacation on great adventures.  We grew up and live only about 30 minutes apart now,  but life happens and we still find little time together. 

Her oldest son is 22 yrs old and was diagnosed at around age 12.  So, for a long time now, she has lived carrying this tremendous weight on her shoulders.  When she learned of my son's addiction, she knew about living with constant fear and no control. 

Ours wasn't a club that anyone really wanted to join but we each had someone that we could talk to who understood that tremendous fear that never leaves.  She has carried this for so much longer than I have.  And, that fear had taken it's toll.  I cannot recall seeing her relax.....really relax.

My son is doing so much better.  I am so grateful but know that the war isn't won.  I still know that this battle is one day at a time.  But, each day makes me a little more grateful.  This weekend at the fundraiser I learned that a new drug is on the horizon which deals with THE CURE and not the symptoms.  It is so hopeful. 

I feel like my cousin and I are watching that tiny little snowball start to grow.  At that dinner, I saw my cousin light and happy and most importantly hopeful!!!  It was and is a great gift to watch.  I am so thankful.

Today, I am thankful for all those who have held my hand during my tough times even when they had their own.  I am thankful for the ability to hope.  I am thankful for the possibility for a cure. I pray for continued success with that drug.  I pray that each family facing hardship realizes that it does "take a village."  I pray we are there for each other and learn and love and hold each other up in the low times and dance and celebrate in the good times.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.

Henry's Last Son

This weekend I will travel to the funeral of my uncle.  He was the last remaining child on my father's side.  Although we weren't really close, he was still my family....a connection to my past.  We seem to lose more and more as we get older.  Hopefully with each loss, we will gain some wisdom.

This week I volunteered to take my first AlAnon meeting into the jail.  It was one of those things I always wanted to do but was a little intimidated by.  It ended up being rewarding.   My Dad grew up very poor and his father, Henry, was often abusive.  My Dad told me a lot of stories of people who helped him out along the way by mentoring or giving him a chance he might not have normally had.  He always paid that forward for as long as I can remember.

My experience at the jail confirmed the notion that everybody needs the opportunity of education, understanding and compassion, and another chance without judgement.  My uncle was a good man.  He provided a home for his parents when they could not have afforded it on their own.  My Dad was a good man.  He was always helping those who had less than he did.  At Christmas or Thanksgiving, we always fixed plates for older or lonely folks and delivered them to them. 

My Dad and his brother were the sons of an alcoholic.  The stigma of addiction followed them everywhere as it does to alcoholics and addicts today.  But, they rose above it.  I tip my hat to these men and in appreciation for the good choices they made, I too will give back.  They set the example.  There is nothing nicer than offering hope to those that feel that there is none. 

Today I say a prayer for the soul of my uncle and for Henry.  I pray for those ladies I met who are looking for a better life without really knowing how to get there.  I pray for our addicted loved ones and those who care for them.  I am thankful for the positive examples in my life.  Those examples are the food that feed my soul.  I hope that you to can take your experiences and use them for good.