Contemplation

I turned fifty on Tuesday.  I've been thinking about this new decade with hope.  Ever since I turned forty-nine my focus has been on fifty.  You could argue that I'm not really living in the present....and be right.  But, for me I need to look back and examine so that I can look forward with clarity and possibly understand what it is that I really want out of what's left of this life.

In the early days of dealing with my son's addiction, I held on to the past (i.e. what I did and didn't do) with a death grip.  I'm not sure why.  I guess I wanted to know why he was an addict.  I figured if I knew why then I could fix it. 

I've been on a long search trying to understand.  "I've been to at least one hundred thousand Al Anon meetings", as Father Tom Weston SJ would say.  I've been to many Saturday night open AA speaker meetings.  I've taken some weekend Ignatian retreats to better understand the Spiritual Exercises.  I volunteer at the jail in the Homeward Bound program.  And, I've bought many books.  If I laid down all of the books that I've bought in the last few years and put them end to end they would extend from my home in Tennessee to........Never mind......that is probably not information that the Dad or I want to look at too closely.

I've been looking for truth.  Like the apostle Thomas, I am looking for direction.  "I am the way and the truth and the life." Jesus said in John 14 :6.  When my Son went to his second stint in rehab the counselor met with us on family weekend.  "He's really honest.  But, he's not very truthful."  He said.

What a strange thing to say. The Dad and I looked at one another puzzled.  This counselor, this recovering addict would teach us a lot about life.  I was asked to teach a class in the jail called Moral Reconation Therapy.    I didn't really want to teach the class.  I didn't even know what the word reconation meant.  The class taught me and the students to stop making decisions based on pleasure or pain and to start making decisions on moral reasoning or right and wrong. 

Truth is what is real.  Period.  Honesty, simply put, is our perception of truth.  Growing up, if you hear that you are lazy enough, it becomes what you believe about yourself.  But, is it truth? 

I write in an effort to mine for truth.  I look back at my family looking for what is real...not what I've always heard.  There is a lot of alcoholism and addiction in my family.  What does that mean?  What does that say about me?  Does that mean that my son is doomed to live his life out in active addiction?

I've learned so much.  I am really no different than the alcoholic or addict.  At the root of it all, we all feel uncomfortable with who we are or what we think that we are.  We've been listening to those voices whether from within or without telling us that we are not enough. 

Those voices that say, "You should be ashamed of yourself."

Those voices saying, "It's your fault."

Those voices that tell you to be afraid.....every waking moment of every day.

The difference between them and me......I can have a drink and think, "no I'd rather save those calories for chocolate."  They can't.  I have diabetes and when my blood sugar drops, my hands shake and I start sweating and my body aches for sugar.  I told my endocrinologist, " I think my drug of choice is sugar."  He said, "Yes, diabetes acts very much like addiction.  You get low and crave sugar.  You eat the sugar and you feel sick again and it starts over and over again.  You can't live with it and you can't live without it.

I get that analogy.  My son has a disease just as my ancestors have.  Disease is hard to live with, no matter what the disease.  Disease, regardless of the kind  affects the whole family.  But, with addiction, nobody wants to talk about it. 

I do.

I want to respect the privacy of my son.  But, I will not let fear or shame keep me sick.  I'm not ashamed of the addict or alcoholic.  I hope one day they will find their way past fear and shame. 



But, until then, I will pray. 

For them. 
For you. 
And for Henry. 



 

Ramblings

I'm thinking of moving my blog to wordpress.  I'm not certain, but I think I need a fresh look and a fresh start.  I guess I'm having a mid (actually 2/3) life crisis/awakening......  There are just sixty-four days left till I turn FIFTY.  I can't believe it.  I don't feel fifty.  In my mind, I am still young.  Maybe I'm in my late twenties, early thirties max.  But, then I look in the mirror and holy crap, there is a middle aged woman staring back at me.  I went to my hometown this weekend for a bridal shower and  I ran into a few people that I knew from high school and they were old people.  How did this happen?

I'm going to weigh in today.  We missed last week because the meeting was cancelled for snow.  Today the temperature should reach seventy.  Welcome to middle Tennessee weather.  I'm always a little nervous about the weigh in, even though I weigh at home every twelve hours day.   I know I've passed ten pounds as two weeks ago I was at 9.4 lbs.  Just like my dad, who used to will winter away, I am willing the pounds to melt.  And, yes acceptance is something I'm still working on, thank you very much.

Lastly, I'm writing a book.  I've been thinking of doing it for three years.  At first, I wanted to write with some friends.  But, I had enough problems trying to figure out my own part, much less knowing how to coordinate it and organize it with another.  I've never really given up on it.  Maybe, it will be only for my family.  Maybe it will get published.  Whatever will be, will be.  But, these things I decided to do and follow through with in this my fiftieth year. 

I watched Oprah last night.  I watched the first episode of Lindsay (Lindsay Lohan documentary) and her interview with Russell Brandt.  I'm so glad that she (Oprah) is giving attention to the epidemic problem of addiction.  I'm really rooting for Lindsay but how many of you moms out there wanted to swoop in there and clean her hotel room and tell her that she needed to divest herself of all of that STUFF?  Maybe it's just me, but I also wanted to say, "go buy yourself a little cottage in the country or by the ocean......how can you possibly get clear in the noise of the city and with paparazzi?" 

Yes, I still go to Al Anon (regarding previous paragraphs).  But, I think I have such good ideas......Loving the sunshine today!  Hang in there my friends, spring is on it's way.  Praying for you all.
 

Gossamer Pashminas of Grace

Yesterday was a very low day.  We talked to the counselors at the rehab facility who told us that our son had sunk about as low into his addiction as possible without dying. 

That is a tough blow in and of itself but financially, we are about as low as we've ever been.  Our home is for sale and it has a contract on it.  But, if something happens to stop the sale, we are up a creek quite literally without a paddle.

While I know that throwing money on the situation does not fix the situation, I still want one good opportunity, at least, for him to have a chance at recovery.

I was frozen and feeling numb and quite unsure of what to do when my very artsy fartsy friend said, " just to endure this you have to be swathed in gossamer pashminas of grace."

And, ya know what?  She's right.  Look at this photo:   look at those beautiful hands;   All shapes, sizes, colors, experience, softness,  callouses ............those hands represent protection and prayer, I'm here for you and what can I do.  Those hands started to come to me one by one.  Each one holding onto the next, like trusses in a building, each adding strength.  Until, I feel ......like I'm gonna be okay.  I've got a current of prayer, protection and strength encircling our family.

How did those hands come together?  One friend showed up with a check to loan us the money for almost 60 days rehab.  No questions asked.  More than that, she showed up crying for my son and me.  Another friend offered to fund the remainder of that amount if the house doesn't sell.  A family member is working on getting scholarship money for us.  I've got novenas and other prayers coming from friends and family, 80 Dominican friars, and 6 lovely little inmates at the county jail where I volunteer. 

Those gals also gave me serious pep talks and being recovering addicts themselves, they spent the hour telling me what it is like for the person detoxing and what not to fall for.  They had asked how we found out and I told them about my husband finding him.  I also told them that it was kind of surreal how calm I was this time around.  One of the ladies said to me, " it was because you knew.  Before, you weren't sure.....you were drug testing him....hoping he wasn't but really....you knew."  I think she is right.  They ministered to me.  They are praying for me.

Don't you imagine that God is smiling?   My heart is full.  I may  have a long road ahead, finances may be tight but I am the richest person I know.  Today I am so thankful.  God does provide.....what we need, when we need it.  I am thankful for the gift of friends from every place....my village which I am so thankful and proud to be a part of.  I pray for recovery for our addicted loved ones.  And, as always a prayer for the soul of Henry, my grandpa.
 

The Face of Jesus

Sometimes, when I stand back and pay attention, I  see things that I easily miss on any given day.  Don't you imagine that there are times that God is all of His glory in heaven sits back like any good parent shaking His head thinking, when will they get it?

Son is at home between jobs and sober.  I know this because when I thought he was using I said , "would you be willing to take a drug test?"  His reply was "yes ma am, would you like for me to pick one up?"  In days past this would have been all that I needed and I would have been delighted by such a response but older wiser Hattie was not falling for it so she said,"why yes, I would appreciate that very much!"

He was clean....clearly PAWS were rearing their ugly head his way.  He is of his own volition, doing 90 meetings in 90 days and met with a sponsor yesterday.  Before, this would have had me doing a happy dance.  Today, I figure it will work out or not.....holy indifference, a grace for sure.

Sunday, he went to an NA meeting and stopped at a convenience store to get gas on his way home.  There was a homeless guy outside who asked if he could bum a cigarette.  Son said sure and gave him 3-4 cigarettes.  The homeless man  was very grateful and asked how he was and what he was up to.  Son told him where he'd been.  The homeless man told him that he used to smoke crack cocaine but now substituted for alcohol.  He told him to keep it up.  He told him to take this chance and change his life. 

This encounter really touched my son.  He kept talking about it all day.  I think my son saw Jesus that day.  And, sometimes, the kindness of those who have the least still surprises me.  The marginalized are just dismissed.  But, if we pay attention, if we look them in the eyes with the hope of seeing Jesus.........we just might.

Later, the daughter had the Kardashians on tv.  Everyone that walked in the room made a comment about how we could not believe that she was watching that. And, like moth to a flame, we all sat there unable to change it because we could not believe how unrealistic these folks really are.

 Later, my son said to me that he thought the mom was a succubus......OK this is my son who was not sober for most of high school and all of college.  First of all, I had to ask him what this meant, then I could not believe it when my son told me that it was a female demon appearing in human form and that one of our earliest popes was corrupt in large part because of his liaison with one.  He thought this was true, then googled it and confirmed. 

Well, wonders never cease.  Wonder what God has in store next?  Everyday is a surprise.....

Today I am thankful for the gifts of God's generous heart.  I am thankful for the "least of these" and the lessons that they teach me, all of the time.  I'm thankful for the gift of faith.  I pray for God to heal your sons and daughters and mine.  I pray for wisdom and I pray for the soul of my grandfather, Henry.

Hopeward Bound....

I have been very busy at the Dad's office.  While it isn't a labor of love for me, it is needed.  I've gone weekly to the jail with the "Homeward Bound" program to take an Al Anon meeting.  These ladies really need AA or NA but they can't get anyone to do it so we are all they have.

They really tug at my heart.  I find myself really looking forward to Wednesday.  I especially love when they begin to let their guard down a bit and let you in a little more.  I love seeing their excitement of being the one to run the meeting.  I love how they timidly agree to pick a topic but are unable to hide the fact that they are pleased to be a leader in some way. 

The most exciting part of all is seeing them regain hope.  "Love recognizes no barriers.  It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it's destination of full hope."

Today I pray for all of those lost to grasp on and hang on and try again...and I pray for Henry.

At All Hours of the Day

I read a lot of addiction blogs.  I am so curious to learn about the journeys of others.  In the beginning of our journey with addiction, I hated them because they represented a long, complicated trip (no pun intended).  Now, I am interested to learn as much as possible about this disease.  There are a myriad of variables.  And, I may never tamp down all of those questions that I have.  But, I have learned a thing or two and I'd like to share that with you now.

First and foremost, I have learned that when (and I have a lot of trouble with this one) I forget to mind my own business, I sort of go a little nuts.  OK, maybe more than a little.  It might start out innocently enough with just a little concern or "help" that evolves into .............full fledged paranoia that is enough to drive a person to drink.........So, when I catch myself, I try to remember what a rehab counselor once told me.  He said, "he's 21 yrs old, he's been raised, you are done."  So, when I think of it that way, I remind myself of my boundaries and pray for God's help in letting go again.  I cannot open the Pandora's box of snooping,questioning, looking for tell-tale signs, etc. that take me in all the wrong directions.  I cannot think of ways to help him.  It is not my journey.  It is his.  Now, I have to figure out mine.  Figuring out mine will most likely teach him more than my words ever will.

Next, I must remember that he can do it, if I stay out of his way.  God created this young man with every gift and every flaw for a special purpose and I am not privy to that information.  I must in faith, trust the journey that God has given him. If I keep trying to "help", my actions tell him that I don't think he's capable. 

Thinking long-term is a death sentence.  It somehow makes me think that every slip or bump means that he'll never get it.  This leads to despair which is a loss of hope and a dangerous place to be.  Just today I read the parable about the father of a family who hires workers for his vineyard.  He hired some early in the morning, some around noon, some in the afternoon and some in the early evening.  No matter when they were hired they each received the same pay, one denarius.  What does this mean?  I've read that it is an analogy to represent when God calls us to His service.  Some may get it early in their youth, some a little later in life and others maybe not until they are very old.  But, the reward of heaven is the same, no matter when they chose to serve.  To me, this also represents God's eternal hope for recovery for our addicted loved ones.  For some maybe sobriety will take from their first rehab experience while others may not get it until much later.  But, the rewards of sober living will be theirs just the same.

I don't need to worry about it.  It serves no purpose other than to make me nuts and loose out on the wonderful experiences that God has in store for me today.  I believe that every time I do that, it also slows down my son's progress because he is worrying about the trouble with me instead of how to live and survive as an adult, supporting himself in every way. 

Today, I have such hope and so I just wanted to remind those of you who may be having a not so hopeful day that bumps and slips are neither good or bad, just part of the process.  They aren't our problems....don't let them be.  You aren't a bad parent if you refuse to help, you are a strong, loving parent who has the faith to see that this difficult process can get better.  You have the faith, knowing that all of the good things you did in parenting that child are still there....as seeds waiting for a little fertile ground to sprout up and take root. 

A watched pot never boils!  Sappy, maybe, but true.  So today I will quote for you and with you a prayer of the venerable Matt Talbot, an alcoholic who traded in his booze for daily mass for just 30 days, then 90, then 1 year, then a lifetime. 

"God of mercy, give Your strength to our loved ones, who are bound by the chains of addiction.  Enfold them in Your love and restore them to sobriety.  Lord, look with compassion on all those who have lost their health and freedom to alcohol and drugs.  Restore to them the assurance of Your unfailing mercy, and strengthen them in the work of recovery.  To those who care for them, grant patient understanding and a love that perseveres.  Amen"

And, a prayer for the soul of my grandfather, Henry.

Renewed Strength

Yesterday, I went to a benefit for the rehab center that my son attended.  It was a luncheon to benefit the women's program.  The featured speakers were  mother and daughter,  who had written about their experience with addiction.

They did a wonderful job.  They spoke in the same fashion that their book was written in.  A certain event or memory would be discussed by both mother and daughter; Each from their own perspective.  For me, it was most enlightening.  The mother would record a memory and I could totally relate and understand her point of view.  Then,  the daughter would speak and she would talk about her response to her mother and it would resemble the same angry, manipulative response I might have gotten, oh a thousand times.  But, underneath that anger and desperate physical need to support her own addiction were memories of right and wrong and worry over her  mother.

The daughter started the talk by discussing a moment where she received a spiritual awakening....on a floor of a bathroom, blood dripping down her nose, with no idea how she got there or where she was.  One thing she felt sure of was that she was probably dying.  She lay there feeling her breathing grow more shallow with each breath.  She said that her main feeling was how sad it would make her mother to learn that she died this way.

This gave me hope.  I always worried that his thinking might be permanently altered.  And, maybe it is, but maybe it has been taken hostage by addiction.  Lately, I have been the "holier than thou" gal in the house.  I might be, but it is not my intent.  My intent is to bring all the "boogers" out of the closet and expose them for what they are so that my family can be heal itself and grow closer.  The day in and day out anger makes you start to question yourself. 

Yesterday, that talk renewed my strength.  It reinforced that I am fighting addiction and it fights dirty.  I will not let discouragement get the better of me.  I will close my mouth and lean in to this storm as I walk through it.  I will imagine that I have an actual "lifeline" attached to me and allow our Lord to help me to walk through all of the anger and bombs that will go off along my path.

I am not angry.  I have not been perfect in my life.  If I got what I deserved, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to take it.  So, I am thankful for God's grace and help.  Today, I pray for continued direction.  I am so thankful for my beautiful cousins who spend a lot of time and money helping the cause of addiction and for being there for me with love and concern, yesterday.  I know our grandmother is smiling from above.  I am thankful for those who aren't afraid to tell their stories no matter how bad.....that is the epitome of courage.  I am thankful for all of the prayers that you all send and I say a prayer for Henry.

Messes, Mistakes and Miracles

The days are so filled with worry.  I don't know how to lay it down.  It is like watching a movie and the foreboding music is playing and you just know that something bad is going to happen.  It is so hard to watch your child, whose mind and thoughts are compromised, make decisions that will be so hurtful to him and not be able to stop it.  Being forced to watch this take place is the hardest thing I can ever imagine doing.  I have no control.  I can only pray. 

So, pray I do.  I am so weary.  My husband is weary.  My girls are weary.  We are consumed with fear at the thought of the possible bad decisions he could be making.  How do we just all keep going, day in and day out,  with the enormous weight of worry from the insanity of addiction? 

In Al anon they teach us to take care of ourselves.  I am trying to do more and more of that but I am not sure that I will ever be able to totally let it go.  I can only hope.  I can only deal with one day at a time. 

When days become so difficult, I pray harder and try to do just one thing...say a load of laundry.  Then I try to do another.  Then, I think well maybe I could get this done.  Soon, in the midst of all of the overwhelming thoughts of possible catastrophes that could occur, on top of all that needs doing, in the midst of my desperately wanting to take to my bed, while in the fetal position, something gets done.  I have a little less to do on my list.  I survived that hour and I did it while accomplishing something. 

My son is on his own.  He is living in an apartment with two other fellas from rehab, who he says are clean.  I say, "he says" because with an addict, you really never know.  He is looking for a job.  He has no car.  We told him that if he used again, there would be no job and no car.  Not from us....ever again.  We mean it.  It is the hardest thing I've ever done.  This could be bad....this could be good.  He decides.  Really, he decided all along.  It's just that my husband and I cannot in good conscience make it easy or convenient for him.  We can't enable him.  This is growing up the hard way 101. I know he can do it.  But, will he?  It is all up to him.  I think that's how it needs to be.  I don't think he will ever get better any other way.  So, here we are waiting.  He tells us he is going to meetings.  He tells us that he is applying for jobs.  He tells us that he has an interview next Tuesday.  We will see.  I pray he is being truthful.  I just don't know.  He says all of the things he knows I want to hear.  This time I will let the proof be in the pudding.  I will wait for his actions to do the talking.  Good or bad, it is all up to him. 

Taking the difficult path isn't a cakewalk, but I don't want you to get the impression that we are living in hell.  Hell is separation from God.  God is with us.   There are little miracles everywhere.  I feel so many things being taken care of that normally I would be busy worrying about.  We are trying to make some major changes in our life.  We are hoping to sell our home and downsize.  We want a simpler life.  We want less to take care of and more time.  It seems that we will begin to work on one detail and while we are working so hard to face this difficult problem with our son, according to God's will,  the detail that we are working on gets taken care of in a fashion we could never imagine.  This has happened over and over.  This is the hand of God.  We are so blessed. 

Today I saw one of those church signs.  We were in the process of donating one of our horses to a therapeutic riding program.  While we weren't using her much, it was a little sad to see her go.  When my husband got a little blue about giving her up, I reminded him that there were too many sad things to consider and that we just needed to focus on changing one thing at a time in the hopes of having a better life down the road.  Then we both saw the sign.  It read, " God makes miracles out of messes and mistakes."  I think it was a sign from God.  You may think I'm a kook.  I'm okay with that. 

Today, I have a prayer of Thanksgiving for so many blessings from God.  I am thankful for friends as near as my street to as far as Israel, who are praying for us.  I am thankful for the comfort and peace that passes all understanding that comes only from God.  I pray for my girls and their healing and comfort.  I pray for my son, that he will learn to be truthful, work hard at his program and be the man God wishes him to be.  And, I pray for my Henry and yours.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen