The days are so filled with worry. I don't know how to lay it down. It is like watching a movie and the foreboding music is playing and you just know that something bad is going to happen. It is so hard to watch your child, whose mind and thoughts are compromised, make decisions that will be so hurtful to him and not be able to stop it. Being forced to watch this take place is the hardest thing I can ever imagine doing. I have no control. I can only pray.
So, pray I do. I am so weary. My husband is weary. My girls are weary. We are consumed with fear at the thought of the possible bad decisions he could be making. How do we just all keep going, day in and day out, with the enormous weight of worry from the insanity of addiction?
In Al anon they teach us to take care of ourselves. I am trying to do more and more of that but I am not sure that I will ever be able to totally let it go. I can only hope. I can only deal with one day at a time.
When days become so difficult, I pray harder and try to do just one thing...say a load of laundry. Then I try to do another. Then, I think well maybe I could get this done. Soon, in the midst of all of the overwhelming thoughts of possible catastrophes that could occur, on top of all that needs doing, in the midst of my desperately wanting to take to my bed, while in the fetal position, something gets done. I have a little less to do on my list. I survived that hour and I did it while accomplishing something.
My son is on his own. He is living in an apartment with two other fellas from rehab, who he says are clean. I say, "he says" because with an addict, you really never know. He is looking for a job. He has no car. We told him that if he used again, there would be no job and no car. Not from us....ever again. We mean it. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. This could be bad....this could be good. He decides. Really, he decided all along. It's just that my husband and I cannot in good conscience make it easy or convenient for him. We can't enable him. This is growing up the hard way 101. I know he can do it. But, will he? It is all up to him. I think that's how it needs to be. I don't think he will ever get better any other way. So, here we are waiting. He tells us he is going to meetings. He tells us that he is applying for jobs. He tells us that he has an interview next Tuesday. We will see. I pray he is being truthful. I just don't know. He says all of the things he knows I want to hear. This time I will let the proof be in the pudding. I will wait for his actions to do the talking. Good or bad, it is all up to him.
Taking the difficult path isn't a cakewalk, but I don't want you to get the impression that we are living in hell. Hell is separation from God. God is with us. There are little miracles everywhere. I feel so many things being taken care of that normally I would be busy worrying about. We are trying to make some major changes in our life. We are hoping to sell our home and downsize. We want a simpler life. We want less to take care of and more time. It seems that we will begin to work on one detail and while we are working so hard to face this difficult problem with our son, according to God's will, the detail that we are working on gets taken care of in a fashion we could never imagine. This has happened over and over. This is the hand of God. We are so blessed.
Today I saw one of those church signs. We were in the process of donating one of our horses to a therapeutic riding program. While we weren't using her much, it was a little sad to see her go. When my husband got a little blue about giving her up, I reminded him that there were too many sad things to consider and that we just needed to focus on changing one thing at a time in the hopes of having a better life down the road. Then we both saw the sign. It read, " God makes miracles out of messes and mistakes." I think it was a sign from God. You may think I'm a kook. I'm okay with that.
Today, I have a prayer of Thanksgiving for so many blessings from God. I am thankful for friends as near as my street to as far as Israel, who are praying for us. I am thankful for the comfort and peace that passes all understanding that comes only from God. I pray for my girls and their healing and comfort. I pray for my son, that he will learn to be truthful, work hard at his program and be the man God wishes him to be. And, I pray for my Henry and yours. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen
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