Warning.....being a mom is not for sissies!! Being the mom of an addict is so very hard. Especially for this very impatient, nervous, controlling, and fearful mom. This has been the week of two steps back. I have really really struggled with letting go.....again. I thought I had let go...and while things seemed okay, for a time, I had. The minute I felt unsure about my son's situation, I tried to jump back into old habits. I started to call and text him....like that would really influence him to stay strong.
I wonder why it is so hard to let go of something that you have never had in the first place. Why is it so hard to trust God? I have always thought that I trusted God, and I think I do with everything but my children. When it comes to them, it is a "where the rubber meets the road" reality where I simply believe deeply in my heart that if I actually say to God, here they are, take over, that it will automatically open the way for only the things that I fear the most to happen. I really feel like even though I know that God blesses me in so many ways, I am too frightened to say if the thing that scares me the most is to happen, let it. In reality, if the thing that scares me the most were to happen, it would. No if's and's or but's about it. I canNot control if he uses again. I canNot control if he makes good choices. I canNot control if he were to go to jail or not. I canNot even control if he were to die from overdose. It was even difficult typing those sentences. But, I can't. I canNot control anything but what I choose to do.
My son is out on his own and sober. Sober is stressful. Sober makes you FEEL. Sober makes you aware that you have to work to pay the bills and sometimes there won't be enough. Sober makes you realize that those that are your age are so much farther ahead of you. Sober makes you realize that what you've done the last few years has left in it's wake, many many scars and messes to clean up. Sober makes you feel the shame and guilt of your past. Sober has made him anxious and afraid. It makes him upset because even though he is sober for 77 days, and he knows the work that has gone into it, that others still don't always trust him.
Knowing how stressed he is, scares me. But, I think he is stronger than I realize. He is stronger than I am. I know this because even though this is so hard for him, he wants to stay so very bad at this new apartment with two young men who are very very serious about sobriety. They are so serious that they don't cut him any slack. He wants to be successful and trusted. If sobriety didn't matter to him, then this wouldn't matter and he would be out of there. His journey is so hard. My journey is hard.
Yesterday, I prayed and begged God to help me to let go. I begged for courage. I confessed my weakness and lack of faith and begged for help. I begged for strength for my son. We are in a valley and there will be more of them. I hope I am capable of learning, because this journey is a marathon and not a sprint.
Forgive me for talking big one day and cowering the next, my friends. I am going to a meeting tonight. I need it. Today I pray for courage to let go....really let go. I pray that my son keeps fighting the good fight. I pray for forgiveness for my lack of faith. I am thankful for the boys he rooms with. I am thankful for all of you who support us with your prayers. We feel them. I am thankful beyond words for you. And, as always I pray for Henry.