Sunday, October 3, 2010
"Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt?"
One step forward, two steps back. I am so fearful of change. I always expect it to be bad. Why can't I just trust? Why do I always assume that because from my very limited vantage point, I can't see a good outcome, that a good outcome isn't there. My faith is still and I fear will always be in an infantile stage.
Today, I went to mass, heavily burdened, worried and back to my old ways. God in his goodness gave me just what I needed. The readings were about the apostles asking Jesus to increase their faith. God doesn't really ask a lot of us. We only need the faith of a mustard seed. That's really not that much. It's really a good thing. When you compare my fear (lack of faith) with my faith, well it isn't a very balanced image. The priest today said something that really seemed to help. He said that if we take our eyes off of our weaknesses and place them in God's strengths, we can find hope. That's what we all need. Of course if I continue to look at my abilities, I will be fearful. Why can't I remember to look at what God can do. It's because I tried to take over control again. I tried to snatch it right back again, and it took me ......two steps back.
Peter and I have a lot in common. We said to Jesus, if you command me to.......walk on water (in Peter's case) or give up control of my son ( in my case), I will. Peter seeing the strong wind, and I seeing all of the problems that could occur, both began to sink and today, I cry out Lord, save me. This is the time that I am reminded that I have little faith and need to pray for our Lord to help increase my faith and to help me use the faith that I have.
My son has moved out of the half way house and into an apartment. This is a next step. Now, he has to make all of his decisions. Good or bad, they are his. There is all of this freedom. It scares me to death. When I recently told him my fears he said, "Mom I can't do anything about my history." I don't think any of us can. I think that all we have are the decisions we make today. So, the decision I'm making today is to say, Lord, I give you my son....help me to let go.
Today, my prayer is for an increase of faith. It is for God to silence my imagination and help me to hear the words that he has for me. I pray for my son and for the disease he battles. I pray that my son opens his heart and ears to the will of God and the courage to follow it. I pray for all of those who aren't yet fighting this battle that they may have the courage to start. And especially today, I pray for Henry.