Grumpy Old Woman....

I've been absent for a while.  Hubby is a horse vet and this is the beginning of our busy season.....thanks be to God.  The economy and a tornado a few years back have not been kind to our business. Add Son's slip into our already hectic lives...... a bit like an aftershock, sending us rocking and rolling a bit. 

Luckily, boundaries kicked in at warp speed and his experience with the enforcement of previous boundaries and his level of sobriety and God's grace all helped to curb that storm.

I'm trying so hard to "find" myself.  I keep trying to quit, get fired, retire....maybe like Klinger on Mash, I'll shoot for a section 8?  Any ideas on how to lose your job when you work for the hubby?  Our new girl was just finding her groove when a better offer came along.  Now, I'll be there more than ever. 

The job itself isn't terrible, it's just not "my" thing.  Perhaps it's selfish but I want to do my own thing for once.  I've been mom for 23 yrs and wife for almost 26 yrs.  I've worked for hubby for 18 yrs and been Doc's wife.  I'd just like to figure out who I am while I can still remember! 

I am frustrated with working for some of those privileged clients who stamp their feet wanting what they want, when they want it and threatening   reminding me just how much money they've given to my cause.  It feels like I've sold my soul to the company store. 

I'm frustrated with those who come in hoping to "wow" us with their knowledge.  I like an educated owner who cares for their horses.  A"natural horsemanship" owner came in telling me that she had a book and had figured out what her horses problem was the night before she came in (kept wondering why she came in).   She brought "the book" and ran around the clinic reading sections of it to hubby's assistant and she doesn't get the whole personal bubble thing....  She has her hay analyzed and supplements with all sorts of things she feels are missing.  Purina Feed Mills and their decades of studies have nothing on this person.  I doubt those horses in the wild supplement with sunflower seed and beet pulp.  Seems to me that her natural horsemanship is about as natural as reality TV is real...but that's just me.

I am sick and tired of those women who come in treating me like the help while going overboard being syrupy sweet to hubby.  Do you think that having to put up with watching that  will strike out some of my time in Purgatory?  I think I deserve it, what about you?

Maybe it's burnout.  Maybe I'm not very charitable.  Maybe I should go back to school and get a psychology degree and keep working here.  It would be a magnificent research opportunity.  I know God has a plan for me.  I just can't for the life of me imagine where he's taking me.  And, I'm highly impatient. 

Today I say a prayer of Thanksgiving for progress and not perfection.  I say a prayer for patience and direction.  And I say a prayer for Henry. 

PS Just read "The Camel Knows the Way" by Lorna Kelly  Great book about Lorna Kelly who was the first woman auctioneer at New York's Sotheby's who volunteered in the slums of Calcutta with Mother Teresa.  She is a recovering addict who was brave enough to write about her character defects and an experience and woman who changed the way she looked at her life. 

I Don't Want to be a Member......

I am a member of Al Anon.  I love the peace that this program brings.  And, I love the ladies who bring understanding and comfort to me.  Our fearless leader (even though she wouldn't call herself a leader) is this walking body of calm and insight.  I just love her.  She is tapped in to God directly, I am sure.  She radiates this peaceful feeling that we can all make it and make it joyfully. 

I agreed to take over as treasurer because our leader looked at me with that kind look which asked me to without her ever saying a word.  So, I did it.  This required me going to the bank and taking off the name of one person and adding my name.  The name we took off was the name of a mom whose daughter, an addict, took her own life.  Her mom has not been able to come back.  The lady who was there is the mother of a 42 yr old addict.  Last night, my son came home, obviously drunk, even though he loves his job.  That defines addiction.  No matter how much you care about anything else, the addiction comes first.

I had 3 Cesarean sections.  The first time was hard but it was a new experience.  The second and third times, I had such a dread of the pain to come.  I knew the pain and knew I had to walk through it, but the end result was a good one.  I know the pain that I'm about to walk through and I dread it.  I hope and pray that there is a good outcome at the end. 

I am sick to think that I am the part of a group that has so much hurt brought to it's members.  I love them, but I don't want to be here.  I'm tired.  I am sick and tired.  I want a break.  So, this is another place where I must pray, give me the strength;  show me the way....

Today I am thankful that I have these lovely ladies and all of their wisdom.  I pray for their continued strength.  I ask for guidance and strength.  I pray for my son to want help, from God.  I pray for him to be able to see what this is doing to him before it goes bad again.  I pray for all of you that follow and that I follow.  And, I say a prayer for Henry.