On the Journey

I've been busy during these holidays but have slowed enough for a quick update.  Son finished 60 days at the 12 step immersion program and is now living at a recovery house.  He looks so good.  I could be wrong but I believe he has had his own "spiritual awakening."  He has a beautiful new attitude and is working the program.  Thanks be to God. 

Daughters are doing well.  We have signed up to run an upcoming half marathon in April.  I am in the least athletic shape of my life.  This is really just a goal to help get into better shape; better health. My real goal is just to commit to the training required to run it.  Then if I can cross the finish line whether I run, walk or crawl, I don't care.

Christmas was lovely.  We were moved.  Travels completed.  Kids were all together.  I had finished all of the shopping and wrapping and was trying to be very cognizant of what I bought each person and why.  And, then I wrote a little piece that I wanted to read to them.  I think I will share it here.  Merry Christmas everyone, (It's still Christmas till Sunday, you know). 

I buy these gifts, keeping in mind, who you each are as individuals, created uniquely by God, and try to look for items, tokens, that will make your life easier or better, or perhaps just bring you joy.  And, I do this because I love you so much and this is a concrete way for me to show you that:  You are loved, You are loved, You are loved, You are loved….in a way that I am able to show you. 

But, sitting in adoration one Saturday, I began to unpack the reasons why I shop/select the items that I do and why I do it.  I was trying so very hard to look at each of you to boil down your real needs and I came to the conclusion that your needs are all the same.  You each need to be loved.  You need the assurance and trust that you are loved. 

You need to know love, from me, so that one day, you can fathom the love that our Father in heaven freely offers.  That is THE gift of Christmas and every day.  The best gift that I can give you is love.  There is no material item that I will ever choose that will substitute your need to be loved.  So, please know that these gifts are not intended to put a price on your value.  They are merely items that will soon be forgotten. 

Our family has been through so much.  We have weathered deaths, illness, storms, financial difficulties, and a world of change.  And, here we are, together.  We are all working to heal in a myriad of ways. 

We are trying to learn to love in such a way that the other knows, feels and understands the depth of the love that Dad and I have for each other and for each of you individually.  We won’t always show you love in beautifully wrapped presents under the tree.  Sometimes we will show you by doing the hard things, saying the unpleasant things and choosing a more difficult path.  We won’t find pleasure in any of it.  But, we will do it because we are learning to love as God did.  He loved us so much that He gave His only son up to death on a cross for us.  That kind of love is hard for us to show, but we are learning that it is the kind of love that cannot be avoided if you are to be happy and healthy. 

Our greatest job is to help you one day find your way to heaven.  As I watch the news, I realize that it is not an easy task.  But,  I pray that each of you can  begin to grow your relationship with Him each and every day.  I hope this for you because when you do, you will discover who God created you to be and when you start that find your way, it will bring the most amazing joy, regardless of any obstacle that might have brought you down before.  That is the gift I would give you if I could.

 

Christmas List

When my son was a small boy, he wrote a letter to Santa with his Christmas list on it.  He took that letter and put it in the mailbox put the flag up and announced to his Dad and I that his list was done and now he just had to wait for Christmas.  When I asked what he had asked for he said that I didn't really need to know because Santa would take care of it and I could just wait and be surprised.  He would not budge.  It took some fast work to get to the mailbox before the mailman, without him seeing to get that list!!

I still have that list.  It was so sweet and hopeful for the season.  It was grateful and yet a little boy who couldn't contain a desire for so many little boy things.  It was a magical time. 

Addiction took away all of that.  During his using years, I would ask my son what he wanted and it was always the same....money.  I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't see what was going on.  But, deep down I knew that things weren't right.  Anyway, the excitement was gone. 

Last year, we spent Christmas with my son but not until Christmas Eve did we even see him.  We had shut him out unless he chose rehab.  We hadn't seen him in quite some time and the Dad was starting to really lose it so we decided to just show up and see how he was.  He was sober.  It was our best gift.

This year one of the best gifts I'm already receiving is his ever growing list.  He's 22 years old but I'm receiving reminders, notes, and sizes on the dry erase board.  Last night he told me the two items he wanted....again and then named two more.  I said, "hey you said if you got those two you'd be happy."  He responded, "  the other two went so well I thought I'd see how far I could go." 

This gift I'm really getting is my son feels like part of the family again.  He feels comfortable enough to be that little boy again.  Addiction isn't controlling his every thought.  It's been so long since I've seen this young man with glimpses of that little boy still in there.  That is so wonderful. 

I'm so thankful today for the progress we've made.  I'm thankful for the gift of my son.  I pray for those of you still in the fight for your sons and daughters...may you get them back too.  I pray for the perseverance of those in recovery and I pray for Henry.

In Process.....

Recovering from addiction is a journey.  We have been told many times that it is long journey.  It really isn't something that anyone really wants to hear.  In Al Anon, we learn that we also have a disease.  Our journey is also a long one.  This family disease is taking us all up and down the hills of recovery and around winding curves of understanding.  I say all of this to serve as a reminder that any one event that occurs is not the make or break event.  We are not (thankfully) a Lifetime movie where all is solved in 2 hours.  Our ending isn't one glamorous climactic ending. 

If we live our lives according to God's will, we may someday learn to stop looking for the "final" answer or the conclusion to the cliffhanger.  We may take the day or the moment and cherish it.  I have been praying really hard to know what to do next. 

I have had three people in the last few days pose the question to me, "what if he's not using?''  I have already totally subscribed to the theory that an addict will lie and lie.  So, I have ignored his telling me that he was clean.  Christmas is a hard time to be estranged from any loved one.  My husband and I were ready to trudge through this holiday without him, if it would be best for him.  Then, we received a visit from his 80 yr old grandfather, who is terribly hurt by all of this.  He has a hard time with our cutting him off.  This was very upsetting to our entire family.  We all want what's best for my son.  We all just have different ideas of how to do this.  This question of whether or not he was using started to nag at me a bit.  We had those mad because we didn't do enough and those mad because we did too much.  It makes your head swirl and makes you question.  I had to slow down and pray.  Then, out of the blue, I heard myself ask my husband if he wanted to go see my son to check on him, unannounced, so that we would truly see him as he is.  He too had been questioning, so he was all for going.

My heart began to pick up speed the closer we got.  I began to question myself.  I began to pray.  Am I doing this for only my sanity?  Will this set us back?  I prayed for guidance.  I prayed for a sign.  I prayed for my son.  We knocked and knocked on the door.  I didn't think he was home.  Then he came to the door.  He was instantly upset.  He said that he was getting over the loss of us and now here we were and it would be hard again.  Real emotion....it stirred my heart but I was still unsure.  We took him to coffee and talked for about two hours.  It was awkward.  It is hard to trust.  But, he was taking care of himself.  He looked and sounded good, clean and sober.  He often got emotional.  He never asked for anything.  He was just hurt that we would cut him off.  But, I don't regret it.  Sometimes you must lose something to appreciate it. 

Do I think he has recovered?  I think he is in recovery.  I think that when he relapsed, he was in recovery.  He needed to see first hand that he could not do this.  Has he learned that lesson?  He thinks so but, maybe one day he will be strong and think he can do it and slip again.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I think he is in process.  I think we are in process.   We are not defined by single events or moments in time, but by the sum of those moments and days and the direction we take.  No one can say we are good or bad.  No one, but God, knows the hearts of me or you or my son.  No one can say that this is good or bad.  It was for me a chance to check on him.  If he looked bad, I wanted another chance to fight for his life.  If he looked good, I wanted him to know we loved him so much.  I got to tell him.  I got to hug him.  I got to see that he still loved and missed us.  It was a gift.  I have still given him to God.  I still think he has a long journey.  But, I thank God for yesterday.  It was not the moment of surrender to go to rehab, he wasn't a dramatically totally turned around guy.  It was a step or two in a good direction.  I am thankful.  Merry Christmas to me. 

I want to leave you with this tale that was read to me at a family outpatient meeting.  I think it is important to remember the moral of this story in each of our lives and be grateful for all of the small victories, instead of holding out for the big finale.  Somehow I don't think our Lord writes for Hollywood.  His works are far better.  We just need the faith and patience to appreciate his works. 

A Chinese farmer has a stallion. One day the stallion runs away. The village people come to him and say, "Ah, such bad luck!"
The farmer shrugs, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
A few days later the stallion returns with three mares. The village people come to him and say, "Ah, such good luck!"
The farmer shrugs, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
The next week the farmer's son breaks his leg taming the wild mares. The village people come to him and say, "Ah, such bad luck!"
The farmer shrugs, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
A month later the Chinese army comes and demands all the young men soldier age. The farmer's son does not have to go because of his leg. The village people come to him and say, "Ah, such good luck!"
The farmer shrugs, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
And so it goes...

Today I am thankful for the son.  I am thankful for my son.  I am thankful for this small victory.  I am thankful that my son just got a full time job.  More lessons from the ultimate teacher.  I pray for your Christmas miracle.  I pray for each moment to be fully appreciated.  And, I pray for the soul of Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.