Building Back.....

My Dad, the son of Henry, the alcoholic, died in 2002.  He fathered six children and left no debt and a little money to each of us.  When I got my money, I felt so guilty.  He had to fight so hard to even make it through the eighth grade.  He worked to feed his family since he was a young boy.  He left for  Europe during WW2 when he turned eighteen, and spent 2 years and 8 months there.  He worked very hard to make my life always feel safe.  And, he did.  I feel unworthy of the money he left.

A little over two years ago when we first realized my son suffered from drug and alcohol addiction, I offered up to God (like I had the power) any and all of my worldly goods if he would just save my son.  I don't think you can really bargain with God.  But, we are selling our home and divesting ourselves of a lot material possessions.

The idea of moving from our home of 18 years was a little sad for me at first.  Now, you can't get me out of here fast enough.  After the last round with son, this place feels more like a crime scene than a home.  Nonetheless, I have been feeling a little sad.  And, I could not figure out why.

On Saturday, we took a load of furniture to my hometown, to my sister's garage to store.  Oddly enough, she lives in my parents old house.  One of the items that I chose to keep was a bookcase that I bought with the money from my father's estate.  I just couldn't sell it.  I must admit that it was a little humbling to return there with some of my last worldly goods. 

Yesterday, hubby moved his horse to a boarding stable.  I dreaded it so much because this home and this farm was his dream, not mine.  I feared that it would be very difficult for him.  I saw a little pain on his face and a little sadness in his eyes, but, like me, we have learned what things are of value.


There are so many emotions swirling around in my head.  I'm not really sure how to sort them.  But, the one thing that kept entering my mind was the verse from Genesis 3:19:

By the sweat of your face You will eat bread, Till you return to the ground, Because from it you were taken; For you are dust, And to dust you shall return."

Now, I know that I am not dying.....but perhaps there is a death occurring, one which involves a way of life.  The old unhealthy way that we have been living...maybe that is what we are dying to and it is becoming visible in my mind. 

After a very loaded day of emptying, son called.  He sounded so very good and clear.  Daughter came home and commented on how good Dad and I seemed together.  This is how I choose to build back my home.  Thanks be to God.

Today, I am thankful for this insight.  I am thankful for the opportunity for my son.  I am thankful for starting over.  I am thankful for all of the bloggers out there who pray.  I pray for all of our sons and daughters and I say a prayer for Henry.




 

"Reality is For People Who Can't Handle Drugs"

I asked my son if he ever watched "Celebrity Rehab"?  He said, "I have but I hate that show."  "Those guys are all narcissistic." I looked at him a little surprised and said, "well, I think that 's probably the norm for those suffering from this problem."  Now he looks at me a little shocked.  Then he says, " I hate that Dr. Drew, he is just getting a lot of publicity off of that stuff."  To which I reply, " I love him."  "There are so many stigmas attached to addiction and he is bringing light to others who don't really understand it."  "He has helped me to understand some of your behaviors along the way."  There was no argument.  There was just a little stunned silence. 

Perception is defined as becoming aware of, knowing or identifying by means of the senses, mind or cognition.  I read an article on a study of artists and non artists.  The study looked at how much time each spent on looking at an object and the amount of retention each had.  Oddly, the artists spent far less time and acquired a lot more details than the non artist. 

Our perception can change just based on our vantage point.  It can be changed based on light or our ability to see things for what they really are   If we zoom in on just one aspect of what we see, we will miss the bigger picture.  If we zoom out we may miss some tiny details.  Perception is huge.  I have started questioning what I think I see.  I think my view has many biases.  I think it is distorted from time to time.  It is only focused on what I want to look at. 

I think that a lot of brokenness comes from faulty perceptions.  We sometimes rely on others to define what is good or bad.  People don't always meet our expectations.  Even if they aren't aware of what our expectations are.  We might depend on money, job, romance, social standing or others to perceive that we are loved or successful.  Being dependent on others will always fail you.  Being dependent on substances will always fail you.  Being dependent on money will always fail you.  Being dependent on success will always fail you.  Being dependent on God is the only answer.  When you let go of dependency on everything but God, the frame zooms out offering so many more opportunities without losing focus on the little details.

We are all sick, just like the addict, unless we understand that God thinks we're just perfect for what he designed us to be.  Unless, we are willing to give up our "drug of choice" and try and follow his will for us.  Unless we become like little children, totally dependant on him.  Then, light will flood your heart, soul and mind.  Your vision will improve.  Your cup will runneth over.

We learn so much through suffering.  No one wants to go through it.  But, if we can let go and just walk through the pain asking God to lead us through it, then it is so much better than trying to avoid it.  We might actually learn that God will help us.  He will help us to survive it.  He will teach us things along the way.  He wants us to use it to help others. 

Today, my prayer is for an increase in light for all who read this.  I pray that each of you have the strength to let go.  I promise that God handles it better.  Let him take your yoke.  Ask him to forgive you for any offenses and ask him to light your way.  I pray for all those who suffer and most especially for Henry.


"If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite."  William Blake