My vocabulary is increasing these days. It now includes a lot of words that I thought I understood the meanings to. There are words like enable, detachment, codependent, manipulation, martyr, and a host of others. I think that we really only scratch the surface of our understanding of most terms. We might have an idea of what something means in a particular situation but maybe we don't fully understand all of the parts and pieces of it's meaning. Then there's the next level of understanding a word, there's how we use it.
When you really need to understand how to deal with a very difficult situation, you must be careful that you are handling it in the most appropriate fashion. I am no longer enabling my son's addiction. This means that no financial support is offered. This means no excuses are made for the addict. This means we don't make sure they get up on time, pay bills, go to meetings or anything else.
Detachment is when you step away from addiction in order to take care of yourself. This is a hard one for moms. It's hard to step away from the mom role. My son is an adult now. As a counselor told us, "he's been raised." Stepping away not only allows you to take care of yourself, it also allows the addict to be responsible for himself. In the past, we've manipulated many situations to help him succeed. This isn't true success.
I could go on and on with this new vocabulary list I'm having to learn to impliment, but, my big question as of late was, where is the line between walking away and loving unconditionally. I found this in some of my things from rehab. I am not sure who to give credit to, but it is good and helped guide me.
TO LET GO........
To let go is not to stop caring,
It's recognizing I can't do this for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
It's realizing I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is not to fight powerlessness,
But to accept that the outcome is out of my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame others,
It's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, it's to care about.
To let go is not to fix, it's to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
It's to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to try and arrange an outcome,
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
It's to permit another to face their own reality.
To let go is not to regulate anyone,
But to strive to become what I dream I can be.
Today I pray for the ability to let go with love. I pray for my son to desire radical life change. I pray for all of my friends and their struggles and as always for Henry. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.