Monday, November 15, 2010

The Peace That Passes All Understanding

M. Scott Peck describes Satan in his novel, In Heaven as on Earth, as a beautiful voluptuous woman with long flowing hair.  She wore form fitting clothes and was everything he could ever imagine having in a woman.  To him, Satan, being ever so subtle, is capable of knowing our weaknesses and manipulating them.

For some, Satan might come in the form tremendous power.  For others, it might be great wealth.  It seems as if for those who are not struggling with addiction, to be similar to a drug of choice for those who are.  I think that Satan takes our human weaknesses or desires and morphs them into an area of temptation.  I think my area of temptation has been my son.  It has been my sick notion that I somehow had influence over him while he is under the influence of his addiction. 

I think I had an epiphany the day that we cut his phone and told him not to call unless he wanted treatment.  It suddenly occurred to me that if my son was not willing to come home where his financial needs would be met, that his motives for being away were not ones of independence, but ones of isolation.  I was also finally able to admit to myself that any interaction that he had with us, was motivated by something he wanted from us.  He never really called to see how we were doing.  He never cared that we worried.  He did not think outside of himself.  My son is gone.  He is lost inside the madness of addiction. 

When he called to ask why his phone didn't work, his voice sounded foreign to me.  He reminded me of the snake in The Jungle Book movie who is able to contort himself into something you think you want if you are not fully paying attention.  Addiction feels and looks like my best imagination of Satan himself.  So, as I talked with "my son", it felt good to keep repeating, "Don't call unless you want to go to treatment."  When he asked if he could call on Thanksgiving, it was easy to say, "Not unless you want to go to treatment."  My strength multiplied every time I said it as I imagined myself saying....Get behind me Satan!!

I have finally, honestly realized that I cannot fix or control this.  Only God can.  I have finally, totally given this to God.  It gives me an indescribable joy in my heart, in the midst of this terrible circumstance.  My mind questions my sanity.  It is as if God has given me a secret gift that he has yet to reveal to me.  It is a feeling of advent.  I don't know why, but I feel like only good will come and I am waiting, peacefully.  God knows what I need far better than any want I could ever imagine.  Perhaps because I really let go, this is the gift of faith.  This is the faith that God is handling this.  Relief forces have taken over which are properly armed and equipped with omnipotent intelligence.  This is the only power capable of stopping this madness. 

Cutting the last ties was so frightening before, but now, I know that any contribution in any way would be my helping to continue his habit, my helping if he were to overdose and die, my helping if he were to go to jail, my helping to sustain a life absent from God.  I will not be a party to that.  As, my friend said, it's as if I'm telling Satan himself to GET OFF MY PROPERTY!

This is truly a peace that passes all understanding.  Thanks be to God.  When I went to mass this weekend, the celebrant was a Father of Mercy priest.  How appropriate.  He talked about the fact that he rivaled St. Augustin in his shenanigans.  He did not attend mass for 10 years.  Now he is a priest.  God in His goodness keeps giving me hope. 

Today I am so thankful for the amazing gift of faith and hope.  I am thankful for the closeness of God on my journey.  I am thankful for prayers from too many people to count.  I pray for my son to come to the place where he sees addiction for what it really is.  And, as always I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

No comments: