I find myself truly in awe of how much our Lord provides us when we ask. I was having one of those days where you can feel the fear creeping up from your toes to your stomach, forming knots in it and all the way to your chest which is feeling squeezed so tightly that you can barely breathe. I was thinking of all of the things that my son does or doesn't do that remind me how much addiction has taken from us. I was wondering if he would ever really be a part of this family again. I wondered if he would ever really grow up and be a responsible adult. Would he ever have hopes and dreams and goals? I was looking at how big the gap seemed to be between my son and others his age. I felt defeated. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help him in any way to head in the right direction.
I began to pray and read my Al Anon steps, especially step one, and I realize that there is nothing that I could do. Now, It's hard to know that there is nothing to do but sit back and watch someone flounder. Then I went to my meeting. This is where God speaks to me almost directly, it feels. Our leader began talking about how much harder it was dealing with addiction with a child than it was a spouse and that what she had come to realize was that when she left things alone, she wasn't messing up God's plan. She went on to say that the addict is where he is supposed to be, not where I expect him to be. This is the route that God has plotted for him to take. This is where I must be faithful and remember that he is in God's hands. This where I must have the courage to stand back and stop interfering. This is where I must continue to pray.
Today I am most grateful for conversations with God. I am thankful for his calming reassurances. I pray for continued vision and strength. I pray for my son to have a strong desire to fight his addiction. I pray for all those who battle illnesses. I pray for my family to find comfort during this difficult time. And as always, I pray for the soul of Henry. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.