Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Quiet the Monster

My biggest struggle involves my imagination.  It can go all sorts of places that I never want it to go.  It is a fruitless waste of energy and time.  Yet, it is a struggle to turn it off.  Once it starts to spin, it goes faster and faster until I have to physically stop myself by sitting down, thinking about exactly why I've become so fearful, trying to slow my breathing and praying. 

There are days where I do okay and then there are days that for no apparent reason I tend to go to the dark side.  I understand that this is a result of my not turning this over to God and the fact that I haven't accepted that I can't control this.  I have to constantly remind myself to "Let go and let God".  At my last Al anon meeting one of the ladies had a great acronym.  FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. 

I really liked that .  It is very hard to focus on doing what I need to do.  I have been trying to change and control my son for such a long time that even though he is off trying to take care of himself, I am here spinning and imagining possible scenarios as if it will somehow influence things.  I am as sick as the addict.  I am in as much need of change as he is.  I am really a slow learner. 

One of the things I'd been wondering about was what to pray for.  I know I pray for God's will and I know that God gives free, exactly what do I pray for?  Then, I read a blog of my best friend's son and this was the topic for November 1, 2010.   This month, Pope Benedict's prayer intentions are for the victims of drugs or other dependence that they may, thanks to the support of the christian community find in the power of our saving God, strength for a radical life change. On All Saints Day...a day that 12 years ago, my mom left this world, this was the post.  This was an answered prayer, because I think I worried that because God gave free will and an addict is at the mercy of the drug, that it would be hopeless.  Writing that sounds awful, it's just one of those twisted thoughts that fear creates. 

I have hope.  I think that prayer is so huge.  This blog is my continuous prayer.  I find peace with each and every post.  It is the peace that passes all understanding that only comes from God.  Today, I feel hope that my son will beat this.  I really do.  I know it will be a long process but with God and prayer ALL things are possible. 

Today, I have a prayer of Thanksgiving for answered prayers.  I am thankful for hope and prayers.  I pray for my son to have the strength to radically change his life.  I pray that I give him the right support so that he can do that.  I pray for all of you who struggle and as always, for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

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