Friday, November 12, 2010

Split the Baby

Today is a day that I have feared for a very long time.  It is a day that used to make me beg and plead with God to help me to avoid.  But, in His goodness, He has prepared me for this day and I mainly feel relief.  This is shocking to me on many levels.  But, when you finally trust, you are given clarity.

It became apparent to my husband and I that addiction is who we've been dealing with, not my son.  When someone has a problem with addiction, drugs are their god, their father, their mother, their brothers and sisters....their everything.  All interactions between the addict and anyone else are motivated by a need to get anything they can to continue their habit. 

Unsure of where to draw the line while letting go, my husband called a counselor who advised us to cut all ties including his phone, which I was very nervous about taking away, because this was for me, so that I could check on him.  He also advised us to tell him not to call us unless he was ready to go to treatment.   So, today with hands shaking, I dialed the cell phone company and asked them to disconnect the phone.  The lady explained that there would be all sorts of penalties for ending the contract early.  I told her that I knew but that my husband and I needed to stop enabling our son.  She was very kind after that and helped to shut the phone off immediately instead of it taking until the end of the billing cycle. 

Then I had to wait.  I was so nervous about his phone call.  I knew that he would call and be mad.  I knew that it would be hard to tell my son not to call me.  I didn't know how I could do it.  Then, I started to get these thoughts.  I know they were directly from God because they came from nowhere.  I started thinking about how I've struggled to truly hand my son over to God.  I have handed him over but not totally let go.  I've fed him, helped with laundry and called him.  He doesn't call me....unless he wants something.  I started thinking about Soloman and the two harlots with the two babies.  One of the babies died in the night and the women fought over whose baby had lived.  Soloman suggested that they cut the baby in half and the real mother said no let him live, give him to her.  Soloman knew that she was the real mother.  I've been asking God to split my baby......until today.  Today God gave me the courage and wisdom to know that I had to give up something that I really don't have in the first place.

I talked with my son.  I told him not to call unless he wanted treatment.  He tried to manipulate but I didn't bite.   I was strong because I wasn't talking to my son.  I was talking to addiction.  I hate addiction.  I will not back down from addiction.  I'm mad now.  I'm fighting for my son. 

I am thankful on this day for God's amazing grace.  I am thankful for clarity, understanding and courage.  I am thankful for all of the wonderful folks who are praying for us daily.  I pray for my son to fight addiction as hard as I intend to.  And, as always, I pray for Henry.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.


coffeemom said...

This makes me tear up. But you are a warrior, a southern "get off my property" warrior, fighting for your son. I know you won't back down. I'm so proud of you.

meluv2scrap said...

Let Go and Let God is so much easier said than done. Praying that as you let go that God takes you with hugs of comfort. Continuing to pray for you.