Thursday, November 25, 2010
There are a lot of ways to look at things. Perspective is powerful. Limited knowledge can certainly affect perspective. Faith can counter that lack of understanding. This is a very different Thanksgiving. My history of Thanksgiving has gone from one filled with parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandmother to today filled with only my husband and two of my three children.
I loved Thanksgiving growing up. My dad always built a huge roaring fire in the fireplace. My mom cooked for days. We anticipated my favorite cousins coming into town. We watched the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade. We ate until we couldn't move. We played and laughed and talked. When my mother died, it was such a sad holiday because we were trying so hard to replicate something that we couldn't. Then, we tried to wildly change it so that it would be different. When my dad died, we stopped gathering as a family. My brother's and sister's children were starting their own families.
Now, my children are older. My daughter came home from college yesterday. My senior in high school has a break from high school. My son has been told not to call or come home unless he wants to go to treatment. My feelings about this have wavered between those of being a little sad to those of peace. I think that they have settled on those of being grateful. I am trying to stop reacting and just act. I pray for guidance.
That may seem very strange, but I now have a very different perspective. Perspective is based on your view of things. It is based on the limited knowledge you may have about something. Before, my idea of caring for my son meant protecting him from himself. Now, my idea of caring for my son is to allow him to learn the lessons for himself. The lessons that God has for only him. My idea of caring, when I get a little sad, is to remember that I have helped to perpetuate the place that we find ourselves in. God can teach and heal and love unlike I will ever be able to.
I am so thankful on this Thanksgiving day that God has given me the courage to give my son up. I have placed him in the hands of God. I have such faith and hope of the goodness that can come from our heavenly Father. I am so thankful that we have learned what our problem is. I am thankful for the first go round of rehab. I am thankful that our family is seeking counseling and attending meetings. I am thankful that we are healing individually and as a family because this will help my son to heal. Oddly enough, this great family tragedy has made me see that I can only put God first. I thought that I was before, but my eyes have been opened.
This day is so very different. It isn't anything like the Thanksgiving pasts. It is new and fresh and one where I am seeking the will of God for this day. I don't want to forget my history. It is filled with dear memories. I just know that life isn't static. I can now accept that. I am thankful that I can throw away these crazy Hallmark card notions of what Thanksgiving "should" be and will focus on just giving thanks. The rest will fall into place. Resting in the hands of the Lord is like being a child again and being taken care of. I like not having to think too much. Waiting gives me time to pray and think and hear the words in my heart that my Lord has for me. Thanks be to God.
I am so grateful today. I am still praying for my son to recognize that he has a problem. I am still praying for him to return himself to God. I am still praying for him to go into treatment. And, as always I will pray for Henry. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.