Thursday, March 3, 2011

Continuing to Let Go....

I quit my job a couple of weeks ago.  That may not be a big deal to some, but to me, it was.  I worked for my husband.  I have worked for him for almost 16 years.  I kept the books, ordered supplies, managed employees, cleaned, made coffee, ran after lunch...whatever needed doing. 

I began this job when my kids were 2 , 3 , and 5 yrs. old.  Now they are 21, 19, 18 yrs old.  When I started, it was thrilling for a couple of reasons.  This was my husband's new business and as a young mom who had spent the better part of 5 years changing diapers, feeding and cleaning babies, I was so thrilled to do something "grown up". 

I had a degree in elementary education but a teacher's pay wouldn't even cover the cost of child care, so I stayed home.  Then I was plunged into a job that I knew absolutely nothing about.  I was terrible at it in the beginning....but I always showed up and I was pretty cheap.  There was so much to learn and it was all so foreign.  I worked very hard at doing a good job.  It made me feel like I was making a contribution and I felt like an adult.

Lately, I've become interested in other things.  And, in all honesty, I'm still not all that great at my job.  It is not my passion and I don't think God calls me to it anymore.  But, my pride has taken a hit.  I know those taking over are better suited for the job.  I know it will be a good thing for my husband's business. 

So, why am I sad?  I've had to think about that.  I think it is because I really just wanted to contribute and have others be proud of me.  Pride...such an ugly monster.  But, when you're not very productive, you're not contributing and it's time to walk away.  I didn't even know it wasn't working because I didn't look up or within from my daily grind.  I just kept doing what I'd been doing until I learned of my son's addiction. 

That woke me up and made me notice. Just before we learned that he had a drug problem, he was so difficult, we were all so unhappy and I was praying, "can we ever have joy again?"  I've let go of trying to control my son's addiction and now I'm letting go of something that I was never really good at anyway. 

I am wandering.....but,  this exploration is one that will hopefully take me to a place where God wants me to be.  Then, I think I will find joy.  "I'm releasing one more thing, Lord, give me the courage to keep letting go of unnecessary things." 

Today, I am thankful for Al Anon and the lessons it teaches.  I am thankful for the courage God gives me each day.  I pray for all of you to let go of those things holding you back from your true vocation.  And I pray for Henry.

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