Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The devil you know....

I wonder why change is so frightening.  If you think about it, most people don't really look forward to change.  It really doesn't matter how you feel about your situation, the idea of something different isn't something that we look forward to.  In fact, things have to really hit bottom before we have the courage to ask for something different.  That was certainly the case in my situation.  It took the very worst information possible for me to have the courage to say, "OK Lord, I will take my head out of the sand and follow your will, no matter how awful." 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."  How many times have we read or heard this pray but not really thought too much about it?  I have plenty of times.  Today, I read and really listen to those words.  I am a slow learner.  I have a lot to learn and to begin to understand what change really is or means.  Change is the process of being different.  Not bad different or good different, just different.  Metamorphosis is another word referring to change.  It is any complete change in appearance, character or circumstances.  Why is it that we automatically assume that it will be a bad change?  I guess it is because letting go of one thing for something we don't know involves risk.  We don't know what we will get.  If we know what we face, we somehow think we have some amount of control over the situation.  What a foolish notion. 

There are so many changes going on in my world.  I'm not sure what to make of it, sometimes.  Today, I read a little daily Al-anon reading about making a list of what we have to be grateful for.  Just learning to recognize those gifts in the midst of chaos, is a change of perspective.  I think that learning to rise above the fear if only for a few moments, is a gift.  I think that being slowly and carefully open to change is a gift.  I am starting to see that pulling my grimy little hands off of things I have NO control over, is a gift. If I see change as growth instead of loss, then that is a gift. 

My family is changing, evolving, growing.....What made me sad a few weeks ago, is starting to excite me.  Don't get me wrong, I still have fear and anxiety....it just doesn't consume me.  After all growth involves stumbling along the way.  I see my son growing with some good ideas and some not so good.  I will let go and send a prayer that he is also able to listen to the will of God and change when necessary.  Letting go is probably my biggest change.  It is starting to feel like a relief.  It never was my problem.  It was my son's.  He isn't a child anymore.  I will have faith that he will grow into the person God intends him to be.

Today my prayer list is long.  I pray for continued sobriety for my son.  I pray for his thoughful consideration in all his decisions.  I pray for our families abilty to change and grow.  My prayer of thanksgiving is for all of the changes we've already experienced.  It is for the hope I am starting to feel again.  It is for being able to laugh again.  It is for all of the wonderful family and friends and their loving support which have held us strong through this storm.  I also pray for Henry and all those like him.

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