Recovery is a journey. Life is a journey. I wonder if our tv and movie watching have conditioned us to want to know the ending? There is safety in knowing that the ending will be a happy one. When my husband and I first married, we moved to northeastern Ohio. We were 500 miles from our families. He worked many many hours while I was home alone with little ones. We lived in the snow belt and not having grown up there, I had a really hard time dealing with the cold. I was just so determined to leave that place, from the first minute that I unpacked my last box. We didn't look to buy a house, because we weren't staying. One year for my husband to gain experience in his field and we'd head closer to home. I was constantly looking to the end of the plan. I wanted warmth and sunshine and family. So, I kept myself looking only to that goal. Funny, how it works when I am following my own will......one year became two, then five became six and around the eighth year in Ohio, I said OK Lord, I hate it here, I miss my family, I don't understand but if it is here that you want me to be I will stay(I won't like it, but I'll do it). Doors began to open and within a year we moved closer to family and in warmer climate. I can't imagine what I would have done, if I had known that I'd be there for over eight years. I wonder what would have happened if instead of constantly stamping my foot, refusing to be a part of this place, I had enjoyed it. What if I had learned to ski? What if I had become a part of the community? What if I had said on day one, Lord, if this is where you want me to stay, I will? I often wonder if we'd come home a lot sooner. In all probability, it would have been something much grander than all of that. You see, when you allow God to be in charge, the possibilities are so much greater than your imagination can even dream.
This recovery is so scary to me. Do I have the courage to say Lord, your time and not mine? In the beginning, my prayers were, send me a miracle. I want him cured without the possibility of relapse. Then they moved to please give him strength and perseverance. Now, they are a whisper of thy will not mine, but please, please help me. This road could take over eight years....until I am comfortable....it could take a lifetime. Fear and anxiety plague so many of my wakeful moments. They wake me from sleep. They make me weary. My dearest friend gave me a wonderful book called the Abandonment to Divine Providence. The topic is of course abandoning your will to the will of God. Abandoning....like walking away from...our will. But wait, I'm so worried. What will happen if I don't put in the work of worry....something will surely go wrong, right? Oddly enough, I think that is what I am thinking. Steps Two and Three ...turn our will over to the will of God so that He might restore us to sanity. But, how do we just let go...walk away? I need a plan. I need clear instructions with pictures. St. Therese had some really good advice: "If I did not simply live from one moment to the next, it would be impossible for me to keep my patience. I can see only the present, I forget the past and take good care not to think about the future. We get discouraged and feel dispair because we brood about the past and the future. It is such folly to pass one's time fretting, instead of resting quietly on the heart of Jesus." Resting quietly on the heart of Jesus....comforting words....how do I get to that level of trust and confidence? I guess it will take time and prayer and practice in waiting on His will.
As I travel this new reality of my life, and I am waiting on my Lord for direction, I already have received so many gifts. Maybe not THE big gift of this to be over, but gifts of people that I never would have met, seeing the goodness of so many who surround my family, getting to know my son again, my girls finding strength and amazing me with their loving hearts and resiliant spirits and finally learning many truths about myself, like it or not, that I needed to learn. So, for today, my prayer is for the ability to abandon my will to God's will and to do it with great confidence and as always a prayer for Henry.
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