Last weekend, I moved my son into a half way house. The week before that, I moved my daughter into her dorm at college. Now, my home is only my husband and I and our youngest daughter. Three months ago, before the realization of what our problem really was, I could not see the day that my son would ever leave. All of the sudden, all of the things that I thought I knew, are not. This doesn't mean that it's necessarily bad, just different and unplanned. My mind feels as though it is traveling in slow motion trying to process this new information. As with every change, my first reaction is a little panic and then worry, until I have a few days under my belt that didn't end tragically, then I can really figure out what my true feelings are. As of late, life has taught me that my very worst fears, can come true. I hate that feeling but know that I must accept it to really be able to address the issues in my life.
It is very strange in my house. Suddenly going from 5 to 3, is a big change. Especially since number 3 is a high school senior with so many things on her plate that she is gone more than she's home. It has been 22 yrs since it was just me and my husband. I got so used to him being gone all of the time with work that I don't really know what to do with him when he's home. Yesterday, I tried to come up with one thing that I really wanted to do and couldn't. This is a little depression I'm sure. This a bit of relearning my new life too. I am still seeking the will of God in every day. I am trying to live in just this moment. It is a work in progress. It is a little scary still. Letting go is so very hard.
Everything does indeed have a silver lining. My son seems very responsible all of the sudden. He showed up for work before his dad this morning. He looks great. He is taking care of himself and it shows. He called his mom for a cooking lesson last night. He wants to watch me cook a certain dish one day. I could have never dreamed of such normal gifts of growing up before now. For this I am thankful. He is now the one concerned about his financial situation. Wow!! I'm not saying all is fixed, just the fact that he suddenly cares is a huge step in the right direction.
My daughter, who is the very responsible one, because she had to be, and I think it's in her nature, is doing quite well not having to be the responsible one. She is loving school with a wonderful new roommate and the possibility of joining a sorority. She is able to let go of worries that plagued our home and become a typical college kid for a change.
My youngest, is willing to go to our last family night at intensive outpatient and face her brother in front of the group, and for this I am thankful. She was the one that could not open up the least. As our fears begin to subside, so do hers.
The pecking order is shifting. My husband and I are relearning our roles as the family grows up and tries to move on. Now we have a lot of work to do. I love him so much but we must learn healthy new ways of living. Change is hard and painful but we will do the work necessary. I am learning to take care of me. This felt selfish in the beginning, but now I see that this is what allows the rest of my family to do what they need to do. If I keep doing for them, they might think that they can't. If I keep doing for them, what do I know about myself? What will they know about themselves? This new phase feels shaky and scary but hearing the pride in their voices as they KNOW that they CAN do it themselves reinforces letting go. It's funny how you think that doing for everyone is trying to be giving when in fact, it takes away from their confidence and their being needed. We all need to be needed. Let Go! Let Go! Let Go! And, let God!
Today's prayer is for the stillness necessary to hear God's will for me today. It is for my family to learn to hear God's will for them today and it is as always, for Henry.