This roller coaster ride that I am taking, is making me tired. I highly recommend a journal or blog because putting these fears and thoughts down in tangible form helps me to organize and better understand my feelings so that I can address my concerns, not just fret. As my son embarks upon the journey of recovery, the issues that need attention are endless. His heart, mind, body and soul have been so altered during drug use, that all of his ideas and experiences couldn't have been clear. He has so much to catch up on. One of the things that rehab tries to accomplish, is to figure out if there is another problem, such as ADHD or another mental illness to determine if the patient is trying to self medicate. What are all of the issues? Treating all of the problems, helps so much in the success of the recovery.
Mom's like to fix things. My wrist has been slapped by many a counselors for all of the fixing I've been doing. After all, look where we are. I really didn't do such a hot job. Right now, I'm dealing with me. It may seem like this total focus is him, but it's not. I am still working step 2 and trying to find the will of God to follow and to allow Him to restore me to sanity. I know your thinking, tall order, huh? As my son decides to embark upon caring for himself, he has so very much to learn and it scares the bejeebers out of me. His expectations of what he wants and what he expects to contribute to get those things, don't seem to add up. His lack of not thinking like me (yesterdays post) sends the fear shooting through my veins faster than anything. Sometimes, after slowing down and listening, I can become calm. When his thoughts are a black and white, number crunching, you can't afford to do this without working this much and he disagrees, I'm scared. This is reality Bud. Maybe you haven't been present lately, but here's how it works. He doesn't know how to manage money. He can't seem to organize or clean his room. He's not sure about what he'd like to study. He seems inconsistent. They tell us that insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. While he isn't using drugs, he is doing many of the things he used to do with regard to his everyday care. This is what scares me. Is this just something teachable? Does he just need to learn life skills? Can his ADHD be managed? Can he slow down and think things through before acting? These are just things, symptoms. The bigger problem at the very bottom of all of this is trust. How do you trust the person who has lied for so long. The person that really doesn't consider how important trust really is. He is trying, but when that trust is so very fragile, every action you take can either build trust or question it.
Stephen Covey, says that "Trust is the highest form of human motivation. It brings out the very best in people. But it takes time and patience and it doesn't preclude the necessity to train and develop people so that their competency can rise to the level of that trust." Okay, after reading that statement, I have hope. I need hope. Hope sustains me. I began researching trust building and I found a few wonderful articles with concrete steps that not only define trust but tell you how to get there. I've copied them for my son. I will tell him that if he wants me to trust him, here is a road map. I don't know if the counselor will slap my wrist for this or not. I am still learning. I am trying to clearly understand my concerns and ask for what I want. I want him to recover more than anything. I think that if you are a trustworthy person that people come to depend and rely on, it will feel good and give you confidence. Yes, I want to be able to trust my son. That is for me. But, being trustworthy is also for him. Today I pray for my son to be willing to work on being a trustworthy person. And I pray for Henry.