This weekend has been a very indigo one, as my friend, the artist, always says. I've had a hard time pulling myself off the couch. I have been sleepy and tired and have no motivation whatsoever. I am such a worrier and have been worried so much because of expectations that I might have. I just keep going back to old habits. I just keep expecting my son to respond in the same way that I would. First of all, I have never had a problem with addiction. I don't know what it's like to have lived that way. He doesn't know what it's like to have lived sober in the young adult years of his life. I am a forty something year old woman who has never lived a life that was driven by a desire that I can't control.....until now. This desire is so strong that they tell me in Al-anon that it is my addiction. This desire is for my son, my addict, to not be an addict. I want him to not be in this place. I don't want this worry anymore. I want to follow steps one, two and three and for this to be over and behind me. Why is there a disconnect between me and my brain where one minute I understand that I am powerless over this and the next, I've forgotten all about it. I still don't trust that I can't fix this.
Today, I went to my meeting. It is my lifeline. Every time I read something, and was asked to comment on it, I couldn't. Even though I had read these things earlier and thought I understood them, today, I could not figure out for the life of me, how to put them into action. So, that was my comment. I don't know enough yet. I have taken my first few steps back. One very kind lady told me that I was putting the steps into action just by being there. I think God had a message for me too. He kept bringing up the theme of isolation. It is when we are isolated that those fears start to take over and we tend to knee jerk react as we always did before. Talking and taking care of ourselves with family and friends is where we start to relax and understand what control we really have. It's where we can stop and think before those old rote responses of old pop up and take over again.
These meetings are so interesting. They have many sayings. One of the ones I like most is, "take what you like and leave the rest." Members always also say that if you can glean just one thing, then you have gotten something you needed. I want the ending. I want to know exactly what to do. I think that this is where God is trying to teach me to enjoy my journey. Our group leader says often that you get what you need when you need it. I think I need it all now. Maya Angelou says you did what you did till you knew better then you did better. I guess that is a lot to hope for.
Today my prayer is for the ability to listen to all of the helps that God is sending me and to stop listening to the fears that try to take over. I pray that my son will also keep working his program and not give up when things get hard and they always do. I also pray for the soul of Henry and for all the souls like Henry.