Monday, September 27, 2010

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The pressure is off!  Why, you might ask?  Well, because it's not MY problem.  Does that mean that I don't care or worry?  No, I care enough to let it be his problem no matter what.  No matter if he has a hard time.  No matter if he is uncomfortable.  No matter if he does it the hardest way possible.  No matter even, if he falls and I pray he doesn' t (everyday).  This is in a very large part, due to step 3.  Al-anon is saving me and helping my family as a whole.  It didn't ever really matter or help when I was trying so hard to control.  I think that the only thing it really did was to delay the inevitable.  In my maddening effort to fix this, I only allowed it to continue. 

I have set boundaries for my son.  Letting go doesn't mean that I will be a hands off do as you wish kind  of gal.  I have told my son that I will support and help aid him in his recovery as long as I know that he is truly working the steps.  He knows that I expect total honesty no matter how much he thinks that the truth might hurt.  He also knows in no uncertain terms that I will NEVER aid him in either going to prison or dying.  There are 3 paths that an addict can take.  They are prison, death or recovery.  Those are some pretty hard realities.  So, why I wonder in light of this information could I ever say whew, pressure's off?  This is my situation.  It's the same situation that I was in before, only I hadn't yet had the courage to turn the light on in the dark room and look the devil in the eye.   Now, I have.  It has become painfully obvious that my son took this path with me trying to "control"  the situation. 

While I was trying to fix things along the way, I was in a constant state of planning.....trying to fix each and every little thing (symptom) instead of standing back and looking at the whole picture.  I was ignoring what I needed to be doing at work, as mom and as a child of God.  I was sending the message to my son that he couldn't do it.  I was trusting that I could do it myself.  Doesn't it seem totally ridiculous to think that you have the ability to to do it better than God?  Well, you might say..."Oh, I would never think that I could do it better than God", but when we refuse to let go, then we either think that or that we only want it done our way.  I think that's a little arrogant.  It's totally give it up.  The sign as you leave, where my son went to rehab says, "Let go and let God".  I love that. 

Turning your will AND lives over to the CARE of God as we understood Him.  Doesn't that even sound good.  God, caring for us.  When I stop getting in the way of God's beautiful, out of this world, more than you could ever expect or imagine plans, things work.  They may not work on my time, but, I am learning about myself during the wait.  I learn subtle little things and sometimes ah-ha moment kind of things, but I always learn. God created me.  I have spent so much time listening to others tell me things about myself.  It is now nice to enjoy the nice,quiet stillness of waiting and listening for God's words and thoughts.  It is through listening and responding ACCORDING to His will that I am learning what really needs my attention.  God does take care of me.  I never gave Him a chance before.  It is so wonderful finally believing that He will provide what I need.  I don't have to worry.  If something happens, He will help me deal with it THEN.  NOW, I have no reason to worry.  All of the things I worried over in the past, mostly never happened.  The thing I didn't imagine, did.  Perhaps if I wasn't so preoccupied with things that could go wrong then I might have been able to better see what WAS going wrong.  Giving over my will and life to God actually gives me life.  It helps me to learn and feel closer to God.  It helps restore me.  I highly recommend it. 

Today, my prayer is for those suffering from addiction, those suffering from the effects of addiction or anything that life has thrown at them, will have the courage to let go and let God.  I thank God for taking care of me all of this time and ask Him to forgive my ignorance in thinking that I could only take care of things.  I pray for perseverance for my son and as always I pray for the soul of Henry.