Lately I have been bothered by the fact that my son insists that he can drink. I thought that this was definately better than drug use, but I still didn't feel good about it. I went to a fundraiser for the rehab center he used. The talk was given by a recovering addict and her mother. They had written a book. At first, I didn't want to read it. It is almost as if, reading it, means I have to go back there.
I was having a particularly bad weekend so I decided to just dive right in. When I read it, I learned how differently an addict/alcoholic treats alcohol. It seems that for the author, at least, that very first drink brought instant relief. I remember when I first started drinking, I thought how bad it tasted. I remember not liking that feeling of losing control of myself. It made me uncomfortable. When I stopped drinking, it really wasn't that big of a deal.
Then I read about how manipulative the addict can be. These were all reminders of things I had tackled once and foolishly let slip into the back of my mind in some false sense that this was mostly behind me. They were signs. I am traveling a journey. I am not checking the 12 steps off my list one by one. No, I am learning and moving forward, only to become relieved and think that is behind me and before I know it, I'm back at step one again. This is a chronic progressive disease. It is lifelong. I must be vigilant at all times. This makes me tired.
But, I don't have to do this alone. And, I'm not. I was given those signs just when I needed them. With God's help and a lot of time in prayer, I placed a new boundary. No alcohol as long as he lives here and if he does he must go. I don't know where or how.....It makes me a little heartsick to think of doing that again but if it takes that to help him realize the gravity of this disease and realize that he needs help, then so be it. Pretending to make progress will take us nowhere....and fast.
Today I pray for courage to do what is necessary. I pray for my son to learn the lessons that God has for him and I pray for the soul of Henry.
I was having a particularly bad weekend so I decided to just dive right in. When I read it, I learned how differently an addict/alcoholic treats alcohol. It seems that for the author, at least, that very first drink brought instant relief. I remember when I first started drinking, I thought how bad it tasted. I remember not liking that feeling of losing control of myself. It made me uncomfortable. When I stopped drinking, it really wasn't that big of a deal.
Then I read about how manipulative the addict can be. These were all reminders of things I had tackled once and foolishly let slip into the back of my mind in some false sense that this was mostly behind me. They were signs. I am traveling a journey. I am not checking the 12 steps off my list one by one. No, I am learning and moving forward, only to become relieved and think that is behind me and before I know it, I'm back at step one again. This is a chronic progressive disease. It is lifelong. I must be vigilant at all times. This makes me tired.
But, I don't have to do this alone. And, I'm not. I was given those signs just when I needed them. With God's help and a lot of time in prayer, I placed a new boundary. No alcohol as long as he lives here and if he does he must go. I don't know where or how.....It makes me a little heartsick to think of doing that again but if it takes that to help him realize the gravity of this disease and realize that he needs help, then so be it. Pretending to make progress will take us nowhere....and fast.
Today I pray for courage to do what is necessary. I pray for my son to learn the lessons that God has for him and I pray for the soul of Henry.
1 comment:
Hey! I'm really glad that you came to this point - b/c i really feel that to completely recover - you have to let go of ALL addictive things! BUT who am I to say - just want you to know that i think of you so much and pray for y'all every day!!
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